Chapter Four
"No," Ashley pleaded through tears as she raced after her through a long corridor, heart racing and drenched in sweat. "Please, wait," she desperately pleaded, bring her hands up to reach through the infinite space.
Suddenly, the seemingly endless corridor became longer and narrower as the walls, stained with red, began to close in all around her. She was trapped in the abyss, the only light coming from the end which was nowhere in reach. The ground was quaking as the girl's pace became faster and faster as she disappeared into thin air.
Ashley came to a stop forcefully, breathing hard with a racing heart as her feet sprouted roots that sank into the cold ground, holding her to the spot. She tugged at her legs frantically, her finger tips bleeding with each scrape across the roots, clawing and yanking with all her might.
"It's no use Ashley," a stern voice declared, cutting through the air like a knife, encircling Ashley in poisoning echoes.
She turned her head to the right, trying to make out where the voice had come from. Her eyes squinted as she searched desperately for an answer, continuing to tug hard at her legs, needing to break the roots that only seemed to thicken. She had to free herself. She just had to. It was the only way she could get there in time.
How could she catch her if she were stuck here?
"She's already gone," the voice again bellowed throughout the corridor, shaking Ashley profoundly and laughing as she cried, the tears flowing down like acidic raindrops..
"No," Ashley replied through gritted teeth as she determinedly struggled at her feet. "I have to find her."
Suddenly, the voice became sinister mocking voices; multiple loud voices, slowly chanting her name. Mocking her and all of her pain and struggles hauntingly
"Ashley… Ashley… Ashley…"
"Tell me where she is," Ashley demandingly yelled at the top of her lungs as she thrashed at the roots with her skinless fingers, neither giving up and giving in.
"Ashley," the voices carried on as she began shaking, tremors shooting through her fragile body and violently thrashing her to and fro.
"No," she yelled once more through desperation, tears blurring her vision as she tried to forcefully fling herself out of the grasp of the roots. It was during that time that several faces, familiar faces, showed themselves around her, laughing and pointing. Huffing and screaming, she began flailing her arms about to try to ward off the unwanted attention.
Then suddenly, the voices stopped and, all at once, the corridor seemingly began to fade away as Ashley felt herself gently being shaken.
"Ashley," a voice said firmly as her eyes drifted open. There was a blurry figure hovering over her, shaking her body gently.
She blinked a few times to adjust to the bright light now streaming in through the curtains and the windows, scrunching her brows as she slowly lifted her head to meet the gaze of the person before her. She yawned from the pit of her chest as she sank back down onto the stiff mattress, rubbing her eyes before saying groggily, "What do you want?"
"It's Friday," Kyla declared, matter of fact as she then stood up and rested her hands on her hips.
"So," Ashley replied as she pulled a pillow over her face, burying herself to fall back asleep. "It's too early to be up."
Sighing and shaking her head, Kyla began unwrapping her sister from her enveloping cocoon. "You have to get up Ash, it's 3:00 in the afternoon." She was becoming impatient with her sister's sleeping habit. Just because Ashley wanted to be a night zombie didn't mean that she should let her.
She had worried that Ashley was sleeping her days away and would miss things that she needed to attend, things that shouldn't be put off. When she had called earlier and didn't receive an answer from Ashley, she decided to just drop in unannounced and pull the miserable girl out of her bed.
Ashley, on the other hand, could only groan in annoyance as she fought blindly for her pillows and blankets. She was in no mood for this wake up call, nor was she in any mood to have visitors. She had been hibernating since the day of the meeting in court, almost four days ago, and she had no plans to go anywhere for at least four more.
"Kyla, can you just please go away?" She asked bitterly as she sat up straight and looked directly into familiar brown eyes, pleading with her sister to give her some peace.
"I would love to Ash," Kyla replied sarcastically as she smiled and threw the blankets and pillows to the floor. "But it's Friday."
"Yeah, so?" Ashley said, equaling her sister's sarcasm with heavy eyes and a scrunched brow. What did it matter what day it was? She was still divorced and miserable.
"So..." Kyla began slowly, hoping her sister would get the message herself as her memory would register. She couldn't do everything for Ashley, even if she was her manager. "AA, remember, Ash? Every Friday for the past seven months?"
Ashley rolled her eyes as she fell back onto the mattress, sighing the whole way. "When am I going to be able to graduate from AA?" she asked with a grunt. "It's not like it does anything for me anyway." Her arm went about waving its emphasis.
"You still need to go Ash," Kyla replied seriously as she jerked her sister up from the bed, bringing them face to face. "Now, more than ever. Plus, you have a show afterwards at 9:00."
With a defeated sigh, Ashley closed her eyes and replied reluctantly, "Fine. Let me get dressed and we can get breakfast." She tilted her head from side to side, loudly popping her neck as she rose to her feet, stretching as she did and sighing in satisfaction. It felt wonderfully relieving to stretch and shrug off the stress and achiness of the days previously. She had never been one to lounge around for an extended period of time, like four days. Complacency had begun to sink into her bones and this caused her joints to be unnaturally stiff and irritated.
Kyla laughed with a hearty smile at her sister's wishful mention of breakfast at this hour. "Ash, it's lunch time. In fact, it's past lunch time."
Ashley turned towards Kyla after stretching her back and limbs, pursing her lips together as if in thought before replying, "Well, some place must still be serving breakfast, right?"
"You're incorrigible," Kyla said with a teasing head shake, laughing lightly. "Go get ready." She shoved Ashley towards the bathroom before taking a seat on the bed, shaking her head with a smirk.
After shutting the door behind her, Ashley flopped down on the side of the tub and turned the hot water on to adjust the temperature for her shower. She was exponentially grateful for Kyla on days like today; the younger energetic girl always seeming to bring her out of her funks. When she had appointed Kyla her manager upon firing her previous one after rehab, she knew that she would never have to worry about losing herself again. Her sister would always be there, taking her job seriously and pushing Ashley every step of the way. Her rock.
As the water heated up, Ashley breathed in the steam and let it fill her lungs warmingly, her thoughts momentarily invaded by the dream and what it had meant. With a shrug, she shook them off and continued to enjoy the warmth seeping into her body a bit longer, bringing her back to life. So much had happened over the past few months that Ashley appreciated times like these; where she could just enjoy the simple things life had to offer.
She knew deep down that she needed to move on; if not for herself, for the people around her. They were a constant reminder that, though it seemed like it, life did not actually end with Spencer gone. She had to somehow put herself back together and figure out what to do next. Spencer didn't love her anymore and nothing would change that. She could waste time waiting for the impossible; or she could march forward with her life.
Was there even a choice?
With a refreshing exhale, the steam left her body to mix with the new steam that escaped from the faucet.
First thing was first, she would start by finding an apartment. Actually… make that breakfast and then an apartment. She smiled wistfully and began removing her clothes.
"So Kyla," Ashley yelled over the pounding of the water on the bathtub below as she pulled her shirt over her head. "What do you know about apartment hunting?" She smiled to herself as she knew that today would be a new dawn; if only she could get past the recurring dreams.
"I could never get enough, man, you know?" A middle aged man with a Brooklyn accent said through tears as his large hand shakily gripped his coffee cup.
Ashley noticed how sad it made her to see this big tough guy reduced to tears as the weight of what he had done filtered through his mind. She had listened to him week after week discuss his twelve year struggle with alcohol addiction. He tended to relapse quite often; apparently, Wednesday had been the most recent occurrence. She was only grateful to Spencer for getting her help before she ended up as lost in the bottles as he.
She smiled as she thought of Spencer; also grateful for how happy she had seemed lately. Even if it wasn't with her. Jessie was a nice girl, she had to admit. She was stable and kind, treating people with respect and never asking for anything in return. If Spencer was to be with anyone, present company excluded, she couldn't have wished for someone better than Jessie for her. Though it hurt like hell and would for… forever, their divorce was a long time coming she supposed. Way before Jessie had ever entered the picture. They had become this messy nebula of anger and bitterness. Her smile fell quickly as she thought of how she couldn't blame Spencer for ending it when she had. They were a train wrecking repeatedly into itself and any sane person would want to get off at the next station. What had caught her off guard was how soon the station had come.
"…I can't believe how much of a monster I am when I drink," the guy wept again as he recounted his decent into drunkenness. "I just brought my fist up and connected with his jaw. What did he do to deserve it? He had just been a loving and supportive boyfriend. He only wanted me to get help."
Not long after rehab, Kyla had found this great little AA group for LGBT people to get together and support one another through their struggles and addictions. She had figured that it would be a more comfortable fit than other groups, the possibility for discrimination and judgment always high. Ashley couldn't have been more relieved to hear this, as she was nervous enough anyway to talk to a bunch of strangers, let alone reveal her problems to people who might not be so tolerant to her lifestyle.
"I am not gonna let myself lose it like that again," the guy confidently said as he raised he cup to oblige the waiting cups of the others in the circle. "I am taking control of my life. I will not let the drink control me anymore."
The people cheered for the man, clapping offering him support in every way. Ashley could only sigh sadly as she knew that he would be here crying again next Friday. It was the same cycle with him; he would declare his take-back, fall into a slump mid-week, get drunk, hurt someone, and then cry here as he spoke of his behavior. It was almost like clockwork.
"Ashley," a woman said as she broke the brunette from her thoughts.
"Huh?" Ashley lifted her face to meet the gazes of the people, anxious to hear about her week. She didn't often talk much in these meetings, not feeling the need to. She had rehashed her problems enough in rehab as it was and had yet to have cravings for alcohol of any kind. Once you lose the things most important, you wise up.
"Would you care to share anything?" the slightly older woman asked with a hopeful smile. She was the leader of the group, kind and motherly, always trying so hard to include everyone in the discussions. Ashley guessed this was due to her inability at having a family of her own; she was overcompensating. But it suited her just fine, so she had no problems playing the role.
"Um…" Ashley muttered out, wondering if she did care to. She had had a not-so great week and maybe it wouldn't be so bad to discuss it. "Actually, I would."
The woman's face lit up with happiness at the unexpected answer. She had been studying Ashley for a while now and was worried that the brunette was closing herself off. "Okay. Please," she motioned with her hands, gesturing to Ashley that she now had the floor. "Feel free."
"Well," she began as her face scrunched slightly. "I just got divorced this week."
A murmur of gasps escaped a number of the people in the group, as most of them were well aware of what divorce was like. They knew that it was never a good thing for someone in here to admit to, and their hearts genuinely went out to Ashley.
"No," she addressed their concerns with a shake of the head, trying to put their minds at ease. "It's not... I mean… I'm okay with it." She swallowed hard as she smiled a bit to search herself for the truth to this statement.. "I think."
"You don't have to be okay with it Ashley," the leader said sympathetically, her eyes like beacons for Ashley, letting her know that she could be honest without reservation.
"It's just that there was so much pain that we were causing each other," tears began to threaten Ashley as she felt her heart burn slightly. "I think that we needed it, even if I didn't want it. She's happy now, you know, and that means so much to me." She blinked away her tears and fought to keep her composure.
"It takes courage to say that Ashley," a younger man shyly said as he sat next to Ashley, putting his hand gently on her shoulder.
Ashley offered him a small smile before continuing, "I never thought that I would be divorced, you know? Even as I was signing the papers, it wasn't real to me. Then I looked into her eyes and I knew that she needed it. I can remember, as we were leaving the courthouse, I begged her not to do it. I don't even know why really. If you love someone let them go right?"
"I never understood that saying," a woman about Ashley's aged replied with a shaking head.
Ashley smiled a small smile as she looked towards her hands. She noticed how tightly she was gripping the cup at that moment, her knuckles having no color to them. She was surprised the foam cup hadn't collapsed from the pressure. She guessed it was her heart's kindred spirit. Her grip loosened as she began moving the cup, circling the black liquid around. She had never liked the taste of this pathetic coffee; but she had grown quite fond of the comfort it had given her, being just what she needed in a distraction from week to week.
"I do... now," Ashley said softly as her eyes came up to meet those of the young woman. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not happy about it. Not by a long shot…" She paused. "I'm still so in love with her." Ashley cried through a clinched jaw. "That will never change." She sighed heavily as she admitted through hot tears. "But she's not mine anymore, and I remember the day that it sank in, just like it was yesterday."
Three months ago
Ashley fumbled with her keys as she searched for the lock in the dark of night, standing outside their home. She had been away for two and a half weeks promoting her new album on daytime talk shows, all of the hosts pressing her to address her stint in rehab. She would politely reply with no comment or change the subject. Much to her surprise they didn't force her to answer.
Didn't they ever just care about the music?
It had been a tiring few weeks and she was as relieved as ever to finally be able to come home. Things had been rather rocky between the two of them since that day at the clinic in front of the lily pond. She had refused to come to terms with what Spencer had so freely admitted. Instead, she threw herself aimlessly into her music, making quite possibly the most heartbreaking album of her career. Each song was heavily laced with such brutal honesty; anyone who listened would undoubtedly feel as though they had intruded upon her life. Many of the tracks were bitter, directed towards her relationship with Spencer. She had invested every last bit of herself into this album, venting like never before. It was only ironic that, being the most painful album to make, it was her bestselling album thus far.
Her title track, 'Dust', had been played on the radio quite frequently and it was the song that had hurt Spencer the most. The lyrics had been all too painful and Ashley's voice sounded so resentful in the song. She sighed as she thought to the chorus.
So go on and tear it up
Black and cold with the dust
Cus' I believed in the Lord
But he don't show up anymore
The lyrics weren't even the worst part. She sang it with such an angered demanding tone, almost growling out the lyrics in certain sections. She had hoped that Spencer would never hear the song as, surely, nothing good could come of it. She had been so angry when she recorded it that she had added a line to the second verse that wasn't originally intended to be in the song.
If I came home, would you get down on your knees?
What she had meant with the line, she'll, herself, never understand. Was she asking Spencer to plead with her to stay? Was she demanding some sort of sick, forced sexual act? The way she sang it left it up to imagination, and she was sure that Spencer had been imagining what she had meant.
She deeply regretted the song of course; it was only unfortunate that it surrounded her, being one of the biggest singles thus far in the year.
She had appeared to be happy to the outside world for the past four months. However, appearances aren't always what they seemed. She put up the front for her own sanity, knowing she would be consumed by the darkness if she let herself be sad and angry. It had been a while since she had seen Spencer and she was hoping that she would be home to talk. She desperately needed to explain the album that had probably hurt and angered her wife, needing to say that it wasn't directed towards her, just their situation; to make Spencer understand how hurt she was, how she didn't mean any of it. Sometimes, it's not such a good idea to get so emotional in your music.
Finally forcing the key into the elusive keyhole, she turned the knob and broke through the door, walking in slowly and ditching her things along the way until she came to the living room where she noticed Spencer sitting alone in the dark, staring at their pictures on the wall.
Suddenly, Ashley felt the temperature drop around her as Spencer brought her sad blues eyes to meet sorrowful brown. "I'm glad you're here," Ashley began with a shaky voice before being cut off. "I..."
"How did your promotions go?" Spencer asked, holding back her tears and wishing for Ashley to just not say anything. She had heard the song and, though it felt deserved, it had still cut her deeply.
"Um…" She was caught off guard. She hadn't expected Spencer to deflect her from her explanations. "I guess they went well."
Spencer nodded as she looked away, sighing before speaking softly. "We need to talk."
"Yeah… About the album…" Ashley agreed as she shakily took a seat across from Spencer on the coffee table, wincing as she remembered how much Spencer hated when she sat on it.
"It's okay Ash," Spencer assured her, nodding her head sullenly. It really wasn't, but she would never get through this if she allowed herself to succumb to the pain. They would only end up in another argument, saying things they didn't mean. More lies. God, she really was a hypocrite.
"I know the songs are really personal and I'm sorry if they hurt you in anyway," Ashley insisted through a genuinely sincere expression. Her brown eyes were softening blue ones as Spencer broke their gaze. "I never meant for that."
"You needed to vent and I don't blame you," she replied quietly, shaking her head.
"That's bullshit," Ashley declared before explaining. "You should be hurt and angry with me. I made an album full of bitterness towards you."
"I'm not," she lied. She was becoming quite the liar lately and she hated it so much. She just had to keep up this front though, how else could she leave Ashley. "And it really is okay. I don't hate you if that's how you think I'm supposed to feel."
"Look," Ashley shook her head to shift the conversation. "I know what you said before… at the clinic. About not loving me anymore." She paused before gathering the courage to continue. Swallowing, she looked back up and barely muttered through a shaky whisper, "Do you still feel that way?"
Spencer sighed heavily as tears filled her eyes. No, she loved her so much. More than Ashley could ever realize, but she couldn't say this. She had to follow through with her plan. Ashley had come so far back from that horrible night in the hospital after cracking her head. She had been the reason for Ashley's downward spiral with the way she had been so distant and awful to Ashley for the past couple of years. Ashley had finally found herself and changed for the better. She could never be responsible for a relapse. She just couldn't. In time, Ashley would understand right?
"Yes," she breathed out her soft lie of an answer.
Ashley could only nod. She had been hoping against everything that this recent time apart had caused Spencer to realize that she hadn't meant it; that they could find each other again and move past it all. Somehow though, it hadn't worked out that way. She stood to quickly turn away from Spencer, needing to mask her discomfort and shield herself from the look in cold blue eyes. However, if she had immediately turned back around she would have seen the sorrow and love of a thousand lifetimes reflecting back upon her.
"So, now what?" Ashley asked through tears, dreading the answer immediately. A silence fell over them, as she knew what was coming; she had for a while now. It had been hovering over her like a black cloud of imminent doom and now it was time to face it head on and heart open.
Somehow though, she thought she could change it. That if she gave Spencer time and space, maybe the blonde would come around and they could rebuild their life together, brick by heavy brick. She sighed as she thought of how stupid this idea had been; too much space had caused them to drift apart to begin with, never to return.
"I filed for divorce," Spencer stated, forcing her composure back and hating herself so much right then. How she had been able to actually utter this lie was beyond her and it was during that particular moment in which she decided that Ashley deserved so much better.
Sighing with a bitterly fake smile, Ashley shook her head and pursed her lips. She just couldn't believe this. It wasn't true was it? Shaking her head again, she turned around angrily.
"If that's what you want then whatever," she replied and slowly began to walk away towards the stairs leading to the basement where her music room was, her fortress of solitude.
"Ash," Spencer said as she grabbed her wife's arm in an attempt to stop her from running away. She would give anything to take everything back and once again be able to look into brown eyes before smiling and leaning in for a passionate kiss.
Ashley, however, had had enough but she had managed to somehow fight the urge to jerk away from the soft hand on her bicep. "I knew that you would leave me," she said softly as she looked at her feet. "I just knew that one day you would look at me and think if only it had been me."
"It's not your fault Ashley. I would never think that." Spencer pleaded and turned Ashley's head with gentle yet shaky hands to meet their eyes together in a torturous gaze. "We've just grown apart so much ever since…"
"You don't think I know that?" Ashley asked with a raised voice, intercepting Spencer before she could bring it up. She wasn't in the mood to talk about it; only put it on the backburner until a later date when it would threaten to free itself and suffocate her once more. "I just thought that we could work it out. You know? For better or worse right?"
Ashley wasn't giving up and Spencer didn't know what else she could say to her. She couldn't tell her the truth because Ashley would just deny it all; saying that Spencer was crazy if she thought she was the reason for Ashley's problem. The brunette would then only plead with her to give them another try. Spencer felt that she didn't deserve that with Ashley. No, Ashley needed to be Spencer-free so that she could live her life and not drown in it. Even if that didn't make sense at all.
"Jessie asked me to marry her," Spencer blurted out of nowhere, surprising even herself. This was far from the truth but she knew it would work. Ashley would give up.
"What?" Ashley asked angrily, not believing the words as they hung in the thick air. She felt her whole world stop in that moment, her heart even stopped beating.
Spencer nodded with tear-filled eyes. "It's true."
Ashley was stunned beyond belief, her eyes quickly shifting from side to side. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she fought so hard to bring her eyes up to meet Spencer's. It was during that moment that she knew she had lost the fight. Defeated, she her squeezed eyelids shut as her jaw clenched tightly and backed away from Spencer. She sighed before mustering up the courage and asking in a broken whisper, "Do you love her?"
"I said yes," Spencer could only whisper out as she lost all respect for herself in that moment. There was no way on this Earth that she could force herself to answer yes to Ashley's question. Love was such a monumental thing to confess and once felt it was forever binding. Her love was standing in front of her and, though they were so far apart in every aspect, she could never love another nor confess it.
Ashley smiled a large fake smile as she bit down on her bottom lip and tilted her head away from the blonde. "Well, you said 'I do' to me or have you forgotten that?"
"Ash," she said as she regretted her very own existence.
"No," Ashley said as she her expression softened. "I want you to marry her. Marry her and buy a big house with a dog… sit on the porch swing and discuss politics or whatever the hell else you two have to talk about. And one day, maybe when you're lying in bed with her," Ashley's voice cracked as her heart spilled out her eyes. " You'll look back and think about how you wished you had left me sooner because she will have been better than I ever was."
"That's not true," Spencer reprimanded as she shook her head and tears escaped, her voice sobbing out as she desperately tried to push Ashley's words from her mind. Hesitantly, she brought her hand up to softly cup Ashley's cheek, needing to say something that could negate the possibility of that scenario ever happening. "You're amazing, don't you get it? WE just aren't anymore. I will never regret you, Ashley. Until this universe implodes upon itself, I will never regret our life together."
"I want you to be happy," Ashley exhaled as she leaned into the soft hand, allowing Spencer's words to settle within her, knowing without a doubt that they had been sincere. Spencer was right. They were not the same couple that had said their vows and enjoyed sneaking kisses in her parents' house. They had become a hollow shell of that and it would only serve to further tarnish the memory of what had been if they stayed together out of obligation. This was it and she could tell, so she relished the last shred of contact she was sure they would have. Reaching her hand up to engulf the shaky one on her cheek, she needed to put on a brave face and let the blonde go. "If it's not me, then it's not me... I'm so sorry for everything."
"Me too, and if you never believe anything, please believe that." This was the truest thing that Spencer had ever said as she noticed Ashley pull away abruptly, reaching for her jacket and keys. Momentarily she feared what the brunette might do. She hadn't thought before that this could cause her to turn to her demons.
"Please don't lose yourself again Ashley. Please," she pleaded as the brunette turned towards her from the doorway. "It's not worth it. I need to know you'll be okay. Promise me."
Ashley could never deny those pleading blue orbs. She felt so much anger and guilt in that moment; the moment her marriage had seemingly dissolved into the wrinkles on her brow. Her eyes bore into Spencer's as she knew she could never lose herself again, no matter how much it hurt. And it did hurt, much more than anything ever had in her life. Though Spencer had broken her heart in that moment, still, she knew that she needed to be someone that the blonde would be proud of. That was her purpose in life.
"I promise."
Then she walked through the door, leaving it all behind and wishing for the strength to let go.
She had stuck to her promise, never again touching a drink. Maybe it was the false hope that drove her to keep her promise, that one day Spencer would come back to her. Or maybe she thought it would deeply hurt Spencer if she ever succumbed to the dark temptations again. She could never intentionally hurt those blue eyes. Either way as she sat back stage on this Friday night as she was waiting for her time to perform, she knew that she never would lose herself again.
She also knew that she had a show to put on, however small it may be. She was a big time star, yes, but she never wanted to be too big for club shows. They were, by far, her very favorite. There just weren't enough words to describe why. They were intimate and homey. She felt more comfortable on their stages than say, a stadium. She had played scattered stadium shows across the globe from time to time, but she relished the chances to get on a small stage and perform for a couple of hundred people, giving them a most intimate experience.
"Are you ready Ash?" Kyla asked before spouting some demand into her walkie talkie. "The lights are a go? Okay. Make sure that the red doesn't overpower the blue like last week."
Ashley smiled at her charming sister. No matter how bossy the short girl could be, she always managed to be sweet at the same time. It was quite endearing.
"Yeah, I'm ready as I'll ever be." She smoothed down her ripped up Sex Pistols shirt before flinging her guitar strap over her shoulder.
"Okay, just remember," Kyla began apprehensively, dreading what may come of the show should Ashley's unpredictable urges show their face. "Keep it unplugged this time. You're billed as an unplugged session and we haven't done sound check on any of your electric guitars. Need I remind you what happens if they aren't properly grounded?"
Ashley laughed lightly as she thought back to how angry Kyla had been when she whimsically decided to add an electric guitar song to the end of her regular acoustic set. She had just been feeling rash that day and needed something to lift her up; so instead of playing her number one acoustic ballad, she morphed into her own rendition of "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin via her Flying V.
Sure, she was a singer songwriter, something akin to a more ballsy John Mayer, but she could rock out with the best of them.
"Don't worry Kyla," she assured her worried sister. "I'm not Rashley Ashley today." She laughed, mocking herself. "I don't think I want to play 'Dust' tonight though. That was a horrid song that should never have been written." Her eyes pleaded with Kyla to be okay with it.
"Ash," her sister replied with a grimace, bringing her hand up to clench the bridge of her nose. "That's your hit!"
"Yeah," Ashley replied slowly. "And it's myshow. I thought I'd play something I wrote yesterday instead."
"Okay," Kyla relented as if she ever had a choice in the matter. It wasn't as though Ashley would listen if she had said no.
As she struck the last chord to the song, she looked up towards her excitedly over-packed crowd. She smiled brightly as she felt the familiar tingling feeling, which performing brought, rush through her body. She glanced at the waiting faces of her adoring fans as they clapped and shouted, starting a unison chant for the song "Dust."
She frowned a she shook her head, slowly bringing her lips to the microphone. "I'm actually not playing that song tonight. I know you all love it and I'm sorry, but... That song should have never been written. It was way too bitter and hurt someone who didn't deserve it. I don't think I can bring myself to ever play it again."
The crowd began to sigh as they looked on confused.
"But don't worry," Ashley quickly added as she smiled. "I have new song that I think you'll like even better…" Her eyebrows rose in an almost challenge as she smirked at the audience and positioned her slim fingers on the correct frets for the opening chords.
As she glanced out once again, she halted her voice abruptly as her heart began to race, the fear and astonishment taking up residence along her spine. There, in the dark crowd, was a face so haunting, one that shook her to her very core; a face with a spot light seemingly fixed on her, illuminating her from the rest of the faces in the crowd.
How could this be? She wasn't supposed to be here.
No. Ashley shook her head as the fear traveled up her spine and washed over her face. She was frozen to the spot, sitting shakily on her lone stool. Her hand began to shake rapidly as her guitar reacted with sounds from the effects of the vibrations. All at once, she felt so small and powerless in a place that normally made her feel invincible. Breathing wasn't an option.
The crowd began frantically following her line of vision with their own eyes, searching for whatever had stopped the singer's anticipated performance.
She lightly inhaled as her mouth opened, quivering and not letting her get much more out than, "I… uhh…"
Her eyes were wide with shock and she stared straight into the familiar eyes; eyes pleading with her to do something. The figure began to move towards Ashley, smiling with each step. Ashley felt her heart begin to pound in her ears, causing the noise from the crowd to dissipate. Their eyes locked as the girl held up a hand, pointing to Ashley, willing her to follow.
Ashley couldn't move; she could barely breathe as her whole body seemingly fused to the stool upon which she sat. Her soft eyes had such a powerful effect on Ashley and in that moment, time stood still, begging for Ashley to make the next move. What was she to do?
As it became apparent that Ashley was not going to comply, the figure frowned with disappointment as she turned on her heels and quickly made her way through the crowd, leaving the catatonic singer to her shock.
Kyla noticed the sudden change in Ashley's demeanor, and right away took the stage quickly to pull the singer from her stool. She immediately put on her professional voice and apologized, "I'm sorry for the delay, but we are having technical difficulties. We are working on a solution. Please take an intermission and the show will resume shortly."
Ashley's eyes remained on the retreating form as Kyla pulled her from the stage, the crowd becoming a little restless as the house lights went up.
Once they were backstage and out of earshot of anyone, Kyla turned her attention to her sister, gripping her shoulders. "What's wrong with you?" She asked frantically, desperately trying to break her from her trance.
"Kyla…" Ashley sighed out with wide eyes, still in a daze. "I saw her."
Kyla frowned as she realized the heaviness of that statement. She knew without a doubt whom Ashley was referring to. Sadly though, she also knew that there was no possible way for Ashley to have seen her there in crowd. Sympathy washed over Kyla as she held tightly to her trembling sister's shoulders.
She pulled her sister around and forced her to look in her eyes, before assuring her the way a mother would assure a child that no monsters lived under the bed. "You didn't see anyone Ash. She's not there." She cupped Ashley's face as she pleaded with the shocked singer to come to her senses.
"I know what I saw," she replied, firmly pulling herself from Kyla and pointing in the direction of the crowd. "She was right there… looking at me…" Her voice faltered as her eyes began to tear up, brown eyes pleading with Kyla to believe her.
Kyla sighed remorsefully as she pulled her sister into a consoling hug, knowing that Ashley was in absolutely no position to take the stage again.
"Ash, it's okay. You don't have to finish the show."
Ashley gripped Kyla tight as she laid her head on her shoulder, letting the tears run down to wet the shirt Kyla was wearing.
"The way she looked at me…"
"It's okay," she assured. "You can take a breather. Let's go get you some water."
"What am I gonna do?" Ashley begged for an answer, her eyes still wide as her voice choked.
Kyla could only manage a shrug as she led Ashley down the hall and to a small room, opening the door and flipping the lights on. It was the small worn out dressing room of the theatre and the lights from the vanity flickered as they had for many artists before her. Somehow, Ashley instantly felt more at ease with the tired bulbs illuminating her tear stained face and she slowly made her way to the black leather couch in the middle of the room, letting herself fall freely down to be engulfed by the fluffy cushions.
Kyla's heart went out to her sister, breaking a little as she noticed the fallen expression on the singer's face. It had been a struggle for Ashley to get over what had happened, to be able to push her guilt aside. Kyla believed that she had succeeded finally; but seeing her strong sister in such a weak state made her all too aware that the road to recovery had yet to come to an end.
"I thought you were past all of this Ash," Kyla asked as she joined her to sit on the couch, pulling Ashley's head to lay on her thighs.
"I was…" Ashley sighed defeated. "I had forgiven myself. And then, this week… I started having the dreams again. She's there every night, Kyla." Her eyes looked scared and tired, like those of a small child.
Kyla softly ran her hand over Ashley's soft messy curls as she glanced upon the broken person before her. "It's probably a result from all the stress you've been feeling. I mean, you did just go through a divorce. Maybe the past is coming back as you reflect on your life with Spencer."
Kyla sighed sympathetically as Ashley quivered in her arms. If only she could tell her sister that Spencer hadn't meant any of it. Then, maybe things could get better for the both of them. Who was Spencer kidding anyway? Only herself, kyla knew as she remembered a conversation the two of them had had while Ashley was holed up in the recording studio.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Kyla waited patiently at the front door of her sister's Santa Monica home. She had come over to discuss the promotional ideas for the upcoming album, knowing full well that Ashley wouldn't care either way. Her main job as Ashley's manager was to make the big decisions that Ashley didn't care to make, however, she still felt the need to discuss them with her. She had Ashley's complete trust and she knew that no matter what she decided, Ashley would be fine with it. The singer was more about the music than the business anyway. Fortunately for her, that was Kyla's specialty since receiving her masters from Stanford in both Buisness Management and Public Relations. She never imagined throughout her whole college career that she would one day be in charge of a highly demanded musician's public image, so to speak.
Slowly a door opened, revealing a rather disheveled looking Spencer. Kyla could immediately tell that the blonde had been crying, probably for hours on end. They had grown close since becoming in-laws; confiding in one another endlessly and trustingly about the things that mattered to them. Kyla regarded Spencer as more of a true sister than just a sister-in-law, caring whole-heartedly about her wellbeing. Ashley couldn't have done better in picking a wife.
"Spence," Kyla gasped as she immediately threw her arms around the discontent woman before her. "What's wrong?"
Spencer was crying uncontrollably into the crook of Kyla's neck by that point, letting her emotions run wild. She felt so at ease around Kyla; and at that point, she desperately needed to talk to her best friend.
"Kyla, I've done something awful," she replied through choked sobs as they parted. "I really could use your help right now."
"Anything," Kyla said without hesitation, abandoning the reasons she had stopped by in the first place. "You know I'm here for you, no matter what."
Spencer nodded a small comforted nod as she pulled the brunette into her foyer, closing the front door behind them. She momentarily feared that Kyla would, inevitably, hate her upon learning of her recent actions.
"I umm..." Spencer whispered, unsure of where to begin or what to say first, her body trembling and her breath shaky.
"Why don't we go sit in the living room," Kyla said softly as she tugged on the blonde's arm. She could tell that whatever was going to be said was something of monumental importance.
They slowly entered the dark comforts of the large living room, sitting beside each other on the couch as Spencer began to compose herself a bit. She knew that it would be completely impossible to keep it together and confess to Kyla everything that had happened; yet she knew that she needed to at least try.
"You know that I love Ashley more than anything in this world," she declared with an affirmative nod. She had to clear that up first and foremost before continuing; as she was sure it wouldn't seem like she did once she was done.
Kyla scrunched her brows slightly as she replied without doubt, "Of course I do."
"Well Ashley doesn't," she said as tears burned their way through her eyelids and down her cheeks.
"What are you talking about, Spencer? Of course Ashley knows you love her," Kyla said firmly as she rubbed the blonde's back reassuringly. "Why would you say that?" She was utterly confused. Ashley hadn't once let on that anything was wrong with the two of them, at least not anything major.
Spencer couldn't hold it in any longer; it was threatening to pull her apart at the seams. "I told her that I wasn't in love with her anymore," she blurted out as she tasted the bitter taste of disdain laden with each word.
Kyla was in shock. She didn't know what she felt at that point exactly; all she knew was that she needed to know what on Earth could have prompted her to say such a heartbreaking thing, especially if it wasn't true. She knew without a doubt that it wasn't. "What? Why would you do that?"
Spencer was balling as she shook her head over and over. "I don't..." she paused as she couldn't finish the sentence which she knew would be a lie. She did know why, even if it made no sense. Deciding that it would do no use to cry, only make it that much harder to talk, she composed herself and wiped her sore eyes. "I don't know how much she tells you," Spencer continued, opting for a different approach.
Kyla searched herself for what Spencer could possibly mean. She had known of Ashley's stint in rehab and the drinking problem. Other than that, what was there for her to know?
"Ashley and I haven't been okay for while, ever since..." She trailed off, not wanting to open that particular can of worms today. She had enough to discuss as it was. "Before rehab, she stayed out late almost nightly. We weren't talking. She would, unbeknownst to me, drink herself senseless and then come home after I had gone to bed. I blame myself for it really," she declared sadly as she scrunched up her face with anger, directed towards herself. "I should have been more perceptive to my own wife."
"You can't think that way," Kyla begged as she shook her head too. "You guys just haven't been the same. It's no one's fault."
"She thought I was cheating on her!" Spencer exclaimed loudly as tears spilled once more. "I did enough to make her believe that. I spent so much time and energy blaming her for what happened that I pushed her away from me. I remember the look in her eyes every time that I told her I wasn't in the mood, that I was tired. Or..." she shook her head as she swallowed, thinking of her next words. "The way I couldn't look in her eyes, for fear of reliving what happened. She could feel me pull away." Spencer continued to bawl her eyes out. "And I didn't want to. God, I didn't want to, but I didn't know how to stop it! I was powerless to stop it!"
Kyla forcefully pulled the frantic woman into her arms as her eyes remained wide from shock. She had no idea that all of this had been going on. Ashley evidently hadn't let her in on very much. "Spencer, shhh. It's not your fault. You were hurting so much. You still are."
"I turned her into an empty shell," she cried out as she gripped Kyla tightly. "She almost killed herself because of me. I told her I loved someone else. I'm so horrible, Kyla."
"You're not horrible," Kyla shook her head as she held the weeping blonde. She was something alright, but the conclusion she was horrible would have to wait until she had time to gather more facts. "Why would you say that to her?" She knew that she had to be sympathetic, but Ashley is her sister. She had loyalties.
"At the rehab clinic, when she finally forgave herself," Spencer pulled away as she recounted the eventful day. "I could see a glow in her eyes. She seemed so at peace with herself and happy; a complete 180 from the night before I admitted her. You didn't see her that night. I died so much inside from seeing her lie in that bed, pale faced and lifeless again. My heart broke so much. Then at the clinic, when she was so happy, she was Ashley again." She smiled lovingly at the memory. "I was so scared. I knew that I would only drive her to it again because I just can't forgive her. I can't let her back in; and I want so much to be able to. God, if only I could. I love her so much, but her eyes haunt me. I look at her and all I can see is that night. I hate myself so much for it, Kyla."
Kyla was fighting with her mind to wrap around this information. She felt her own heart break for the couple as she sat there listening to the confessions of the torn woman next to her.
"I have to let her go Kyla," Spencer said determinedly. "For her own good. You have to understand. Please," she gripped Kyla's hand tightly. "Please, help her let me go."
Her eyes pleaded desperately with Kyla as the brunette knew that she had no choice in that matter. If Spencer believed that Ashley needed this, then she trusted her. "Spencer, I don't know what I can do. I mean, she loves you. Maybe you can work it out."
"I can't hurt her anymore."
"You don't think this hurts her?" Kyla asked hesitantly.
"I know it does," she paused as she felt more tears. She would never be done crying over this. "But I love her too much to destroy her; and that is what will happen if I stay with her."
"None of this makes sense," Kyla began crying as she shook her head, looking for an answer. "I don't even know what to say."
"I'm filing for divorce," Spencer admitted through tears, sighing as she closed her eyes and clenched her hands together.
"Spencer..." Kyla began, abruptly being interjected.
"No," she demanded. "I have to. It's the only way that she will be okay... and I need her to be okay. Please... help me."
She had sounded so desperate in that moment that Kyla knew she had to protect her sister. If Spencer was going to hurt her either way, then let it be the lesser of two evils. A clean break, rather than a long lasting ache that would slowly build over time, overwhelming all in its path.
"Fine," Kyla agreed reluctantly, knowing this was bound to be a mistake.
Kyla regretted so much that she had done; sleeping around during college, not being there enough for her mother, but most of all, lying to her sister. It was eating her up inside to lead her sister to believe that Spencer was happily in love with someone else and about to be married. Why they had decided to convince Jessie to marry Spencer was beyond her. Maybe that was the only way Ashley could let it all go. Who knows? It had become such a sick, twisted web of lies that she had forgotten what the point even was, that is, until seeing Ashley so distraught in that moment. She knew they had done the right thing, even if they had gone about it the wrong way.
"Ash," Kyla replied as she brought herself from her thoughts. "You just really need to let it all go... Spencer, the accident, everything. It will only eat you up inside and you will wake up one day and wish you'd had the courage to move on." She knew that she had sounded a bit harsh, but it was true. They all needed to let it go. Life is way too short to spend it living in the pain of the past.
"But how can you ever really let go of someone like that?" Ashley asked quietly as she sat up next to her sister, wiping her eyes in the process. "I know Spencer hasn't forgiven me. She may think that she has, but..." She paused to sigh as her eyes flooded again. "Kyla, I took her life. That will never go away for either of us."