Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS, A Christmas Carol or It's a Wonderful Life. I don't make any money on this either.

Holiday Spirits (A Tibbs Christmas Carol)

Chapter 4 – A Ghostly Present

Jethro heard the clock chime again. He was confused when it chimed more than once. Had Mike's visit lasted longer than an hour?

It kept chiming – ten more chimes for a total of twelve. He looked up to see if he was imagining it, but no, he wasn't. The clock indicated it was midnight, again. He glanced at the TV and noticed the movie had shifted scenes. George Bailey was back on that bridge. Feeling a hard a lump under his left thigh, he reached under and pulled out the remote. He sat it on the coffee table.

"I think I'm glad I'm dead," a familiar voice said, causing Jethro to jump.

He looked around for the source of the voice and realized it was coming from the TV. Blinking in confusion, Jethro saw Kate standing next to George as he looked over the bridge.

"I can't think of any scenario where Tony and I would have gotten together." Kate had that disgusted look that she got whenever she had spoken about Tony's antics with women. "How could you have completely misread our relationship? How could you have misread him so much?"

Jethro shrugged his shoulders. "Tony was always attracted to you."

The movie cut to a close-up of Kate. "Back then, Tony was attracted to a lot of shiny things or had you not noticed his cars? I was not ever going to be one of Tony's shiny rides. You should have known me better than that."

"Tony is a good looking man, Kate. I've seen more than one woman protest and then eventually succumb to his charms." Jethro felt stupid talking to the TV.

She raised his eyebrows at him in disbelief and then laughed. "He was not my type at all. I can promise you that." She paused for a moment and then smirked with a gleam in her eyes. "But clearly he is yours."

"Don't go there," Jethro warned, trying but failing to sound intimidating. Kate was one of the few people who was not intimidated by him.

"That's what I'm here for, Gibbs. I am a profiler after all." She winked at him before stepping out of the screen and morphing from a two dimensional colorized version of herself to a three dimensional entity standing in front of him. She looked like a living, breathing person; even the bullet hole in her forehead was missing. "Didn't think you'd want to see it," Kate said as if reading his mind.

Jethro wasn't sure how to feel about seeing her. Her loss had hit him hard. He'd been unable to protect her and he had punished himself for his failure for a long time.

"I didn't ask for protection. If you recall, I was protecting you," Kate answered his unspoken thought. "Would do it again if needed. I guess that's why I'm here. I'm protecting you from yourself and not from Ari this time."

"Don't need protecting, Kate," Jethro stated with a tilt of the head.

"You probably need it more now than you ever did. Sometimes you're your own worst enemy, Gibbs."

"If you tell me to read Moby Dick, I will walk out of this room."

She laughed at the reference as she looked around the room. "You know, I've never been here. You never invited me over. Not once."

Jethro felt a little bad about that oversight. He'd never realized he'd never told her she was welcome. The rest of the team knew it. Whether they took him up on it or not was another story.

"It's very homey, except for it, you know, not actually being a home since you don't really live here," she said.

"What on earth does that mean? Of course I live here."

"Really? So the master bedroom stays under protective wrap and you don't use the guest room until you have a lover stay over because…you just love the couch?"

Jethro had forgotten just how sarcastic Kate could be. He wasn't going to explain why he didn't use the master bedroom or that he was uncomfortable sleeping alone in the guest room. It wasn't any of her business. Besides, how did that make his house not a home?

She kept looking around the room. "Where are the photos? Where are Kelly's things like the ornament she painted for you on her seventh birthday? Where is the afghan that Shannon knitted for your second anniversary?" She turned and walked towards Jethro and stood in front of him. "Mike was right. You've packed them away. What you didn't realize was, when you did that, you packed a part of yourself away too. And that would have been okay for a short time, but you've never unpacked. There's a reason you hide in the basement. You stay in this house but you don't live in this house. You need to unpack, Gibbs."

"You done lecturing?" Jethro asked, looking up at her. He'd just heard this from Mike and he had little patience to hear the same thing from Kate.

"You're right," she said, again making Jethro wonder if she could read his thoughts. "I'm not here to discuss the distant past. If Mike Franks couldn't get through that thick skull, I won't have much luck."

"Why are you here?" Jethro asked.

She looked at the TV which still had George Bailey discovering why his life had made a difference. She scratched her head and turned back to Jethro. "I can't believe I'm about to make a movie reference but I guess I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present,'' Kate said. "Look upon me!" she pronounced loudly, then laughed just as loudly. "I've always wanted to say that."

Kate walked over to the TV and watched it for a few seconds before turning around. "Actually I'm more like The Ghost of Christmas Recent Past and Present. Really, why couldn't you be watching the right movie? I can't make this work with It's a Wonderful Life with you. I get why Tony loves it. There's always been a part of him that's been afraid no one would miss him if he disappeared. He's George Bailey. He's always had this thought in the back of his head that somehow people would be better off without him. He overcompensates by making sure everyone notices him but it doesn't dispel the doubt. This movie helps him to keep those demons at bay."

Jethro considered that. It did explain Tony's affection for the movie. His upbringing surely led to those feelings of worthlessness that Jethro sometimes sensed from his Second. Jethro again felt anger towards Senior and wondered what he could do to ensure Tony always felt needed.

Kate continued to watch him, her finger tapping her lip as if considering her next words. "You've never doubted that you had worth. What you doubt is that your worth deserves happiness. You're more Ebenezer Scrooge than George Bailey. The truth is some people would be better off if you had never existed and some people would be worse off. That's the way it would be for most people. Hell, I might have lived longer had I never met you. On the other hand, I could have been hit by a bus the week after if I had stayed in the Secret Service."

"Kate, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't save you," Jethro said quietly. He didn't want to lose another opportunity to tell her one last time how sorry he was.

"I wasn't yours to save, Gibbs. You're mine. This is about you and the man you're meant to be, not what you've allowed yourself to become through a lifetime of disappointment, bitterness and denial."

"What does that mean?" Jethro wondered how anyone could be anything other than what they were. People were just who they were. There was no such thing as fate, karma, kismet or any of the hinky things that Abby believed in. How could Jethro be someone he was not? The conversation was giving him a headache.

Kate walked around the room again but this time headed towards the basement door. She peered down into the darkened stairwell for a few moments then turned to face him. "You killed Ari in this house. You killed him for me."

"I did." Jethro didn't bother to correct her that it was Ziva that actually pulled the trigger. Ultimately, it had been Jethro's responsibility that Ari was dead. Ziva had just been his, and her father's, weapon.

She looked back down the steps. "You got your whale in the same room you built your boats. That's sort of poetic, Gibbs." She shut the cellar door and shook her head. "By the way, I wouldn't go down there tonight if I were you." He saw her shiver. "Take my word. Make it easy on yourself and listen to me for a change."

He looked between the basement door and her.

Kate sighed. "What the hell am I saying? Of course you won't listen to me. You've always had to do things the hard way." She began pacing the room again and hummed as if looking for something. "I still have to try, though," she muttered softly as she reached to the back of a shelf.

Jethro realized what she had found. He had hidden it the day after her funeral. It was a small framed photo of Kate, Tony and Jethro. Abby had snapped it on Kate's first day at NCIS. He'd forgotten it was there. Like the dollhouse, he had tucked it out of sight.

"Did it bring me back?" Kate asked as she sat the frame back down, this time on top of the TV. "Killing Ari, I mean."

"No, but I also didn't lose any sleep over it."

"Like killing Pedro Hernandez," Kate stated. "As long as your vengeance is justified, is that it?"

Jethro stood up, feeling defensive. "Are you going to tell me that it isn't? That I should stop my evil ways or some self-righteous crap like that?" He would not sit there and listen to some sanctimonious preaching. He had done the right thing.

"No. They were evil men and deserved their fates, but each time you kill, it changes you. It doesn't matter what the reason is or if it's justified or not. The very act of killing changes you." Kate walked over to where Gibbs was standing until they were almost nose to nose. "You think it doesn't, but it does," she said softly. "It makes you harder. You need something to balance that out to keep you from becoming so brittle that you break."

The two of them stared at each other. "I don't need anything," Jethro said angrily as he turned away. He hated seeing what he interpreted as pity in Kate's eyes.

"You do. The shame of it is, you actually have it but you're being too stubborn to see it."

Jethro had his back to her. He felt raw. He didn't want to need anything. He didn't want to confront his life like this. He almost jumped when she spoke again.

"Gibbs, did you ever resent Tony for living?"

"What?!"" Jethro asked in surprise as he turned around. She was sitting in the green chair patting the couch to invite him to sit. He saw the action but there was no noise to accompany it. He suddenly realized she didn't actually make sound except when she spoke. There was no rustling of her clothes, no creaking of the floor where she had walked, no breathing when she wasn't speaking. It broke him a little bit more. She really wasn't there. And yet, he couldn't keep himself from wanting to talk with her whether she was real or not. He sat down and took a moment to admire her face. She was truly a beautiful person and he missed her.

"Did you ever once wonder why it was me that was shot and not Tony? Ari could have chosen either of us but he opted for me. Did you ever wonder why? Did you ever blame Tony?" Kate asked in quick succession.

Jethro thought a moment. "He wanted to hurt me. Ari knew I had a weakness for women because…because of…"

"Shannon and Kelly," she finished for him.

"Yes."

"That wasn't why he targeted me first." She sounded very sure of her statement.

Jethro disagreed. "Of course it was. His next target was Abby. I'm sure he'd have gone after Jenny next. He was after the women I worked with."

Kate paused a moment and furrowed her brows as if she was thinking. Finally she asked, "Who was with Abby when he shot through the lab window?"

Jethro thought back, remembering the fear he had felt when he realized Abby and Tony were both in Ari's crosshairs. "Tony was with her."

Kate half-nodded as if waiting for Jethro to catch up to her.

"You think he was aiming for Tony?" Jethro asked. "No, Ari was too good a shot. If he'd wanted to shoot Tony, he'd have done it. I'm not sure why he didn't hit Abby." Jethro had always wondered how he had missed. Ari had been an expert marksman.

"He wasn't aiming to kill her. He was aiming to scare you."

"Then why did he kill you?" Jethro asked.

"He needed to. He needed to show you he could do it; that he could have taken the most important person away from you in a heartbeat."

"Tony was right beside you," Jethro whispered as he thought back to the rooftop. The image of Kate's blood on Tony's face had haunted him as much as Kate's death had. He'd been afraid Tony wasn't going to be able to handle Kate's loss.

"Yes, Tony. Ari had you figured out. He pieced together what others had not; the most important person to you was, and is, Tony."

Jethro shook his head trying to deny it.

Kate smiled. "You forget, he'd been observing you for some time between his first mission into NCIS to the final showdown. Ari stalked you all that time. He was specifically trying to learn who meant the most to you so he was paying attention to actions the rest of us would have never noticed. Over the hacked video feed Ari could read your body language: the head slaps, the invasion of personal space and the way you watched Tony constantly. It showed your obvious interest in him. Ari knew Tony visited you at home and even stayed with you on occasion. He saw your desperation to save Tony from the plague. You'd have done anything to save him. It only confirmed what Ari had already suspected when he first saw how you allowed Tony to hold you as Ari made his first escape."

"I'd been shot! Wasn't really in control of my actions," Jethro said defensively.

"Would you have let any of us support you like that? No. Ari doubted that as well. He expected you to shrug anyone off who attempted to assist you. And if it had been anyone but Tony, you would have and you know it."

Jethro didn't answer her.

Kate pushed. "You felt guilty because you let him get away while you spent a few selfish moments in Tony's arms."

"I did not let him get away! I thought he was dead," Jethro yelled.

"No, you didn't! Think back. You were sure he had a plan to escape. You never thought it could have been an easy as just shooting him like that. You knew there was a reason he gave you my gun." Kate leaned back in the chair giving Jethro a few minutes to think back to that day.

Jethro closed his eyes as the memories replayed in his head. "Damn…" Jethro hissed as he realized she was right. There had been this niggling doubt from the moment he hit the floor that Ari had not died. He had kept his suspicions to himself until it was confirmed even though he knew he should have told Tony to immediately verify that no one had left the premises. But he hadn't wanted Tony to leave. He vaguely remembered squeezing Tony's arm to keep him there. He'd wanted to stay in Tony's arms for the few moments they had.

Kate broke the silence once again. "You blamed yourself for it. That was the real reason you were obsessed with Ari. You felt it was your fault he got away because you were selfish for a few moments. If you hadn't been, then he'd have been captured. So you began to deny yourself any more selfish moments. But why? It's rare but you have lost suspects before."

"This was personal," Jethro explained.

Kate shifted in her seat. "Because Gerald got hurt? I don't think so. You barely knew him. Because Ducky and I had been held captive? Maybe. But he didn't actually hurt us. If Abby had gone down as planned or if she had found Tony instead of me, it could have easily been either of them in that situation. You were happier it was me and that's why you felt so guilty about it. Feeling guilty led to an obsession to prove to yourself you didn't prefer Tony or Abby over me but that was a losing battle because it wasn't true. Abby's like a daughter to you and Tony…well, he's more, isn't he?"

Jethro glanced up. Kate was staring at him with such a look of acceptance that he couldn't deny that Tony had meant more than she had. He saw the compassion in her eyes and he felt forgiven. He'd felt so guilty at the relief he had felt when he had realized that it had been Kate that had been shot and not Tony that he lashed out at everyone for the longest time and vowed he could never prefer one agent over another ever again. He had locked himself up even tighter.

"I don't hold it against you, Gibbs. Not what happened on the rooftop or in Autopsy. You knew you had been a heartbeat away from having Tony or Abby being the one down there. It could have been one of them at risk. Once you realized Ari was getting away, you held onto Tony because you didn't want him running after Ari. You didn't want to risk him."

"Tony has been at risk many times," Jethro answered. "He's an agent. It's part of the job."

"Yes, and you can handle it when he's under your orders and not on your home turf where he should be safest."

"He wasn't under my orders during the whole Frog fiasco," Jethro muttered. The image of Jenny's face from the night before mixed with his memories of that entire pear-shaped and ill-conceived mission. It infuriated Jethro all over again.

"And it about killed you knowing something was wrong and you couldn't help. Or don't you recall how you felt?"

"Of course I remember. He was my agent and Jenny used him! I was furious." The image of Tony's car blowing up and finding that charred out body in the driver's seat had been the worst thing that had happened to him since Shannon and Kelly's death. Maybe worse since he had had to watch it and been unable to stop it.

It was hard enough when he had to be the one to send Tony on a mission, but to have someone else do it was truly unbearable. That's why he knew it was such a mistake to care for Tony. Someone was bound to get hurt because of it.

Rule 12 wasn't just there because of distractions on the job. It also led to not sending the appropriate agent to do a job because you were too concerned for another's safety. It could lead to sending in a less qualified agent. Jethro fought that instinct every time he had to send Tony on assignment. He wanted Tony safe but he also knew no one was better qualified to be his partner. It still tore at him when Tony was at risk.

Kate leaned forward and smiled softly at Jethro. "You have to send him out. But you hate it, don't you? Because every time he gets in trouble, you have to acknowledge how much he means to you, even if it's only to yourself. You've had to do this ever since he became yours."

The TV flickered and she pointed to the screen.

He saw Kate and himself sitting in a car.

Kate said, "You can say it. You're worried about Tony."

Jethro had denied it at the time, but he had been terrified. He remembered how sick he felt when he had learned Jeffery White was a serial killer and how frantic he'd been when he had seen the blood inside the car and Tony slumped over. There had been one thought that repeated in his head, "No…no..not now…no..I never told him…"

The TV flickered again.

He watched himself picking up Tony's phone and dialing his own number from it to confirm it was Tony's cell. He remembered how faint he had felt knowing Tony was missing and then remembered his relief when Tony had been found.

"You care, right?" Tony said.

All Jethro had wanted to do was to pull the man into his arms and never let go. Kate's presence had stopped him. Jethro had been so close to dropping the entire charade then regardless of the consequences.

Instead, he had settled for a tuck on the chin and a "You're irreplaceable," in the hopes Tony would understand how important he was to Jethro.

The images shifted again.

A pale Tony bathed in blue light was struggling for every breath. "You will not die."

Other images rushed by: sitting in the basement consoling a grieving Tony after a reporter's death and wanting to hug him, feeling relieved when Tony boarded the plane in Israel knowing they were going home even if it had been without Ziva, the sudden sense of dread after finding Tony shot in an alleyway.

The TV froze on an image of Tony and Jethro sitting on the very same couch he was currently on. They were sharing a steak dinner. They had just clinked their beer bottles. Jethro looked at the two of them on the screen and remembered the moment. He had never been closer to turning to Tony and kissing him. He had wanted him so badly that night. Jethro felt dizzy as he remembered how intimate it had felt. He also remembered how hard he had worked to push those desires away and ignore his feelings the next day.

Something inside him broke.

So he cared for Tony. He even desired the man at times. It didn't mean he loved him. He wouldn't allow himself to think that way about Tony. Tony was just something….special.

"I wouldn't have minded, Gibbs," Kate said quietly.

Jethro wondered how Kate seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. She seemed to be reading his most intimate thoughts. He wanted her to back off. They were his thoughts. He made himself laugh aloud. "Weren't you the one that teased Tony about tonguing a guy?" Jethro asked, trying to gain his composure back. "I don't think you would have accepted it even if I were interested in Tony that way, which I'm not," he insisted defiantly. Tony was a good friend that he occasionally found himself attracted to. That's all that Jethro could allow. He needed to build the walls back up. He was feeling too exposed.

Kate nodded. "I did tease him about it. I regret it now. I can see how that stopped you from moving forward; from accepting your true feelings. Once you thought he would never accept you, you closed yourself off from the possibility. But think back to the moment the building manager thought you were together? You turned to see how Tony reacted and your heart skipped a bit when he just smiled and said, "Not how you think." He had said it without either disgust or anger. You were happy he just seemed amused by it. You honestly thought for a split second how nice it would have been if you and he were looking for a place together."

Jethro had never been one to wish for things that would never come true, but he did remember that fleeting thought of how it would be if he and Tony could live together. He loved it when Tony had a reason to stay at Casa Gibbs even if Jethro outwardly pretended it was a chore.

"Not going to answer?" Kate asked.

Jethro glared at her. It felt as if she were ripping away his skin and flaying him alive and he could nothing but take it.

"You really are a functional mute, aren't you?" Kate teased. When she got no answer, she continued. "After I was gone, it was easier, wasn't it?" Kate asked. "Ziva and Jenny came and that threw your equilibrium out of whack. Jenny pushed for a relationship that was long over and you watched silently as Ziva pushed into your territory. Since Tony didn't seem to object, it was easier to let him drift further away and convince yourself to just be his mentor and his boss. Until you saw him with Ziva in the undercover assignment."

The TV flickered and images of Tony and Ziva appeared showing them in bed acting as if they were making love. At the time, Jethro had tried to look away but hadn't been able to. Seeing the full frontal image of Tony had just reminded Jethro how much he wanted the man. That image had burned into his brain, much like the time in Guantanamo Bay when Tony had woken them all. Jethro knew what a naked Tony looked like and it only fueled his desire more.

Seeing Tony and Ziva on the screen simulating sex made Jethro feel the same surge of jealousy as he had back then. He hated it. He hated their flirting.

The scene shifted to the dinner party that Ziva held later that year and the moment that he had realized Tony hadn't been invited. Jethro been had both pissed and pleased by her actions. Pissed that she would be so petty as to exclude Tony and pleased that maybe it would drive a wedge between them.

When Tony continued to seem interested in her, Jethro dealt with it the only way he knew how – he ignored it as much as he could while he seethed inside.

Images of Tony and Ziva continued to parade in front of him. He couldn't keep watching them. He felt sick. He stood up and walked away. A knot formed in his stomach. He wanted to hit something. Kate was pushing him and he wasn't sure how much more he could take.

She stood up and strode across the room and got in his face. She sounded as pissed as Jethro felt. "You opted to run to Mexico when you realized you had a good reason to run. You couldn't handle being near Tony and not being with him. You may have lost a lot of your memories but you knew how you felt about the man. Instead of turning to him in your moment of need, you pushed him away. He needed you just as badly and you left him. You hurt him more than almost anyone else could all because playing mentor and father figure was no longer enough for you."

"I never wanted to be his damned father!" He finally gave in and punched the wall. It left a good sized hole in the drywall.

She laughed bitterly. "That's good. He's already got one, shitty as he is. I don't think he needs another one," Kate replied.

"Then what does he want?" Jethro yelled. "I didn't know how to be with him then. I still don't. He drives me crazy!"

Kate stepped back and smiled. Jethro hated that smile. It was the one Kate wore when she knew something no one else did.

"You did come back. Even though you couldn't bring yourself to be honest with him and still treated him like crap at times, you came back to him. What does that tell you?" Kate asked.

"That just because I care about Tony doesn't mean I'm not a bastard," Jethro answered. He remembered all the ways he had kept Tony from truly finding anyone. He had blocked both Paula and EJ. He had misdirected any number of short term girlfriends by misplacing messages that were left on Tony's desk. It had been harder to keep Ziva and Tony apart, but Jethro admitted he had been trying his best. He couldn't say the words but he knew what he meant. He knew how he really felt about Tony.

Kate's shoulders seemed to relax. "True, the second b still hasn't lost its meaning but at least you've admitted to yourself that you love him and you don't want him with anyone else. It's not much but it's a step in the right direction."

"Get out of my head!" Jethro snapped. He hated how Kate kept invading his thoughts. "What the hell good does it do to admit I love Tony when he sure as hell has no interest in me?"

"Actually, he does. You just haven't been paying attention."

The TV flickered again and showed a montage of new images.

A hundred images flashed by of moments that Jethro and Tony spent together. The images were black and white except for Tony. The color served to enhance his reactions so Jethro could clearly read his facial expressions and body language. The images jumped from the time they met and Jethro saw Tony's brilliant green eyes dilate in excitement, to seeing the flush rise up his cheek every time Jethro snuck up behind him or invaded his personal space, the small look of pleasure Tony got when Jethro head slapped him as if pleased to be noticed, to moments when Jethro had just looked up to see his Second quickly looking away as if embarrassed to have almost been caught.

The montage showed Jethro one thing: Tony had desired Jethro since they met.

It made him feel marginally better to at least recognize that Tony found him attractive. How had he missed that all these years? Some investigator he was. He flopped back onto the couch, exhausted.

Doubt crept in again. As Kate had said earlier, Tony desired a lot of things until he had them. Jethro didn't just want to be Tony's shiny new toy. He laughed at the thought of anything about himself being shiny or new. He wanted Tony forever but Tony never seemed to want anything longer than a few months. Jethro couldn't bear to have Tony for a short while only to be discarded again.

He looked around the room to ask Kate once again how this was helping him only to notice she was no longer there.

12