Warning for emetophobia (section marked by xxx) and self harm
On the way to school the next morning Luna opted to sit next to Luan instead of the front seat of the van. She also walked with Luan almost all the way to her locker, leaving her to wonder why the rocker had been extra friendly that morning and the night before.
Luan grinned as she thought about the fun they had.
She supposed she didn't mind too much.
Three classes passed and surprisingly Luan didn't feel too bad. Luna had made the morning enjoyable, she felt confident about a test she had taken in Algebra, in English the teacher merely made them read chapters in their assigned books, and in Spanish class they watched a video since the teacher was absent. All in all she was content as she entered her next classroom, took a worksheet off the table by the door, and sat down for biology. She wrote her name on the sheet absentmindedly and read the first question.
'What are three differences between plant and animal cells?'
Luan recorded her answers.
'The plant cell has chloroplast, a cell wall, and a much larger vacuole then an animal cell'
That was the only question she knew the answer to confidently.
'They're really trying to cell me on biology'
Next question.
Next answer.
Luan could hear the scraping of graphite on her paper. She could feel the slight vibrations run through her fingers and dissipate up her hand, feel the strange texture of the paper moving against her hand as she wrote.
Next question.
The fabric of her clothes rested uncomfortably on her skin, exactly in the same place they had been without a problem moments ago
Next answer.
So suddenly and subtly she became hyper aware of her body.
Next question.
Luan could feel every inch of her skin and every inch of her skin could feel something.
Same question.
Her heart hammered in her rapidly constricting, hollow feeling chest.
Boom. Same question. Boom.
A familiar feeling settled in Luan's gut as her lungs seemed to weaken.
Boom.
She rose surprisingly steadily and asked the teacher if she could use the restroom.
Her throat tightened and tears threatened to spill from her eyes as she left, doing her best not to run or seem as frantic as she felt. As soon as she shut the door to the bathroom all bets were off though. She ran in record time into a stall, all but slamming the door behind her. Luan sat and her chest heaved, strange, fuzzy spots danced at the edges of her vision.
She tried to breath but her chest only tightened as she began to hyperventilate. It felt empty, as if the contents of her chest cavity had sunk into her abdomen.
All she could think as the sadness and worries settled back into each bit of empty space in her mind and into every nook and crevice of her body was that she was going to die.
And damn if that thought didn't both terrify and excite her.
She had to of been staring into space, crying and choking, for a while because the bell that signaled the middle of the period rang, knocking her out of her stupor. It only served to make her sink deeper into her general depressive, anxious state though. She couldn't go back to class, not now when her eyes were red and puffy and tears stained her cheeks.
xxxx
An idea popped into her head and she raised her shaking hand until her fingers were level with her open mouth. She pressed down on the back of her tongue and the effect was almost immediate. Her stomach twitched and spasmed and the disgusting taste and burn of bile coated her throat even though barely any came up. She tried again and after some gagging her abdomen tightened, every muscle pushing up. Bile spilled into the bowl of the toilet and chunks of her breakfast weren't far behind.
xxxx
As the spasms died down and exhaustion hit her, Luan ripped some toilet paper from the roll and cleaned her fingers and around her mouth, ignoring the urge to try and rub the acrid taste from her tongue. She rose, albeit shakily, to her feet and walked mechanically to the nurse's office, the corners of her eyes watering. When she arrived the nurse asked her to sign in and why she was there.
After the nurse took Luan's vitals she called Rita.
"Good news Luan, your mom will be able to pick you up when she goes on her lunch break soon. Until then just rest."
Luan managed a thanks and the nurse went back to sit behind her computer. Even though she was tired, and probably wouldn't be able to move if she tried, a part of her mind protested the stillness of her body in the cot while another part of her mind embraced it.
Luan opened her eyes lazily when her mother came to pick her up and put off getting up until the last possible second. She managed to drag herself from the cot and Rita guided her out of the building. Before long she found herself seated once again, this time on their couch at home.
"Alright sweetie, is there anything you need before I go back to work? I can stay if you need me to."
Luan shook her head, "No it's fine," her tiredness was evident in her voice.
"Okay, but if you need anything call me," She kissed Luan's forehead and headed outside, shouting one last 'I love you' before shutting the front door.
And once again, she was alone.
And once again, emptiness ate at her chest.
She thought of the day prior, thought of her little trip to the kitchen, and like an insect on fly paper the idea stuck, her mind hyperfocusing on doing it again.
This time with nobody to interrupt her.
Her lead feet dragged but the ball and chain which had been weighing her down seemed to help her along to where the silverware was.
A sense of deja vu washed over her as she gazed at the shiny utensils. The fillet knife was nowhere to be found so she picked up a small knife with a smooth blade. Goosebumps spread on her arm as, once again, the cool metal met her skin.
With shaky breaths she turned the knife so that the sharp part was making a small indent on her arm and in a split-second impulse she slashed her arm three times. Oddly enough it felt like nothing.
Then it started tingling.
Then a mild burning.
Then came the pain.
Luan all but threw the knife down and looked where the pain was coming from. It was obvious that the middle one was the worst, beads of blood leaked from it faster than the other two cuts and it seemed that the skin was split wider.
She fucking hated it. It hurt like hell.
Then the realization.
She wore white tank tops every damn day, how was she supposed to hide the cuts?
Luan quickly rinsed the knife and grabbed a few paper towels to absorb the blood. In a panic she tried to think of a believable excuse when the resident cat of the Loud house bumped his head affectionately into her leg then stretched, revealing claws that Lana hadn't clipped for the month yet. She almost felt bad when the idea wormed its way into her head.
'Sorry, Cliff. You're gonna have to take the heat for this.'
She knew he wouldn't actually get in trouble but the guilt was still there.
Then again it always seemed to be there.
But now there was actually a reason for it, no matter how ridiculous.
Luan sighed, dread and depression bubbling in her torso as she covered most of the cuts with band-aids.
It wasn't the prettiest job and the ends of the cuts were still visible but it would have do, after all, her siblings would walk through the front door any moment.
Just thinking about it made her stomach churn, what if they saw right through her?
Thankfully her thoughts didn't have time to spiral because the doorknob rattled. Luan pat Cliff's head one more time before the front door opened and he scampered away, leaving her alone as her siblings filled the house.
ooooooohhhh shits getting real, its always the cat getting blamed
im really tired but unfortunately i had motivation to write this im now starting working on chapter four of this, a angsty luaggie ficlet, and a oneshot (probably) for a crackship of mine so woo, lets hope this writing fever keeps going
also i dont have a song for this chapter yet, sue me
Thanks for reading, comments/reviews etc are very appreciated