Chapter 4

Mary April 1917

Carson had made it sound so bloody easy: 'Tell him what's in your heart' he'd said, and it sounded so simple, and obvious, that Mary had headed over to Crawley House to find him as soon as she had a spare moment.

It was unlike her to be so impulsive, and on the walk over there her head caught up with her heart and she began to turn over all the reasons why this was a bad idea. Chief among them being Pamuk. If the idea was to tell Matthew the truth then she had to tell the whole truth, and she still didn't think she could. If Matthew went off to war despising her she knew her heart would be broken all over again, and it had barely recovered from last time. She knew her mother and grandmother thought her irrational for feeling she had to tell him of her folly, but it was as it was. Even if he did break it off with Lavinia, which was by no means certain, Pamuk would surely mean he would never make an offer to her.

By the time she had arrived at Crawley House her resolve had faltered, and Lavinia's tears had been the end of it. She couldn't see Lavinia's heart broken for no reason, she didn't deserve it. Perhaps the old Mary might've taken pleasure in the victory, but she now knew the pain of a broken heart and she couldn't wish it on anyone.

Earlier in the day Richard had proposed as she was sure he would. It hadn't been a passion-filled proposal like Matthew's three years ago, but, as Richard himself had acknowledged, that wasn't who they were. They would be more like a business partnership, but they would be a powerful team. He could give her a life.

She and Matthew would just have to be friends. She would go to his wedding and smile, and he would come to hers and congratulate her. She would accept Richard's proposal in due course; even if it was second best, it was the only way forward.

Matthew July 1917

Matthew felt content. Much more content than when he had last left Downton for the front. He had been in England for a few months, seen Mary on a number of occasions and felt in control and settled in decision to marry Lavinia. He was even beginning to think that he and Mary might actually be able to be proper friends. Perhaps he might write to her...

He had been so confused after his first visit to Downton. Seeing Mary had affected him much more than he had ever thought it would. But life back in the trenches had given him plenty of time to think. It had been unrealistic of him to expect himself to feel nothing more than friendship when seeing Mary again. He had been violently in love with her, and only managed to move on by pushing her out of his mind. Seeing her again was always going to test his resolve, and so it had.

But alone in the trenches he had been able to think more rationally about Mary. She had been kind and warm towards him, but had given him no reason to think things were any different between them than they were when they parted. And in any case, she had just written to say she was engaged to Sir Richard which, if nothing else, must prove that she was not in love with him.

Mary wanted to them be friends and friends they would be. He knew that he would always have to be careful not to allow his fire for Mary to re-ignite, but he was confident that it wouldn't. He loved Lavinia and, should he be spared, he would marry Lavinia and they would be very happy together. He looked up at her photograph which he kept beside his bunk and smiled. Sitting next to the photograph was the stuffed dog that Mary had given him and which he had taken to keeping in his pocket when he went out on patrol. He felt a little guilty that he took the dog rather than the photo, but it was as it was.

He lay back on his bunk and thought of Downton. He couldn't wait to be back.