Silence
Stephanie put a smile on her face and walked in the bonds office. She didn't know if the dull ache she'd been feeling was because of her body or her guilt. But she did know she needed to work. She had rent to pay and food to buy, and staying in her bed all day hadn't really improved her mood. Connie looked up from the desk, smiled, and handed her several files. Everybody thought she'd caught a cold. Only Lula knew the truth. And Stephanie'd like to keep it that way. There were more and more things she didn't want to share with her family and friends. They just wouldn't understand. They always doubted and questioned her choices and decisions. And she was too tired to explain. Maybe one day she would end up like her mother and sister. Maybe one day she would end up all alone. A part of her still wanted a happy, normal life. A part of her wanted to stop caring and let go.
Great. Stephanie flipped through the files and almost laughed. She was getting more and more like her father. Keep your focus on your food. Pretend you can't see, can't hear, can't speak or feel. As long as you have your pot roast and mashed potatoes, nothing ever matters. Nothing. Maybe her father was actually a very wise man. Stephanie helped herself to a doughnut and a slice of pizza while Connie and Lula decided to share the last piece of fried chicken. She hadn't returned Joe's calls. Dealing with her mother's endless worries had exhausted all her energy. And she was not in the position to grant Joe what he wanted. Pizza, ball game, and a six pack. A night of some not so funny dirty jokes and marathon sex. Nothing more. Nothing new. Always the same. He indeed was handsome and good in bed. But maybe now was time to finally get bored.
It was no one's fault, really. She was just not family material. She was just never into children. Though she always wanted to live up to her mother's expectation. Though she always wanted to be better than her sister. Now she finally realized something was just impossible. There was no need to try. Stephanie ate another slice of the warm greasy pizza. She was glad to have her appetite back. And she no longer had that anguish nightmare. She wiped her fingers clean with a napkin. She tried not to think of the void, the emptiness within her being. It was her life. It was her choice. It was time to accept the truth and pay the price. Maybe one day she would have another child. Maybe one day she would find the meaning and purpose of her life. Until then, she would have to team up with Lula and go after whatever FTAs Vinnie threw her way. Her cell phone suddenly rang. From the ring tone she knew it was Joe. She turned off her phone and dropped it back into her bag. Connie raised her brows. Lula wolfed down another doughnut.
And Stephanie just shrugged.