Chapter 4

Caring Arms

Harry heard Neville enter the bathroom and immediately began crying. Tears rolled down his face in long hot trails. He heard the bathroom door open and a faint trace of light and then it was flicked off. He then heard two steps as he tried desperately to make sure his tears stayed quiet until Neville fell back asleep. He waited, tears still slipping down, for Neville to walk over to his bed. He was surprised with how long he was having to wait. Neville was just standing in the middle of the dorm.

Harry waited for five minutes trying to stop his crying and think of other things. Finally he heard Neville walk over to his bed. And Harry couldn't help but be a little disappointed and relived.

Well… he had assumed Neville had been walking to his bed.

But, when Harry's bed dipped slightly he knew instantly that he had been dead wrong and that Neville was about to see him crying. (This, in retrospect, was not the worst thing to have happened between them that night.)

And… for some strange reason he wanted Neville to see him crying. He wanted Neville to be the one to see him in this weak state and comfort him. He didn't want Ron to make him feel better, or Hermione, or Remus… he wanted Neville to hold him and tell him he was going to be okay and that whatever was wrong would work itself out.

So when he felt the bed dip and and a comforting warm weight curl around him he could only sigh contently. He curled in on himself drawing his legs up closer to his chest and pushed back more into the comforting warmth that was always Neville. He felt large surprisingly muscular arms wrap around his waist and pull him in closer. He felt Neville press his forehead to the base of Harry's neck, he felt warm breath caress his back through his thin t-shirt and felt his eyes flutter closed in contentment he had not felt since that first night with Ron.

He was so happy to just lay there with the other boy knowing he was safe. He realized in that moment just how true that was. Sure Neville wasn't the greatest wizard ever… but Harry knew he was safe in those arms. Neville curled around him was safe and protective. He knew in that moment Neville would do anything to try and calm him and keep him as happy as possible no matter what. It was like instinct.

He slowly loosened the arms around him so he could turn and face Neville. He had wanted to say something, but starring at Neville as he looked at Harry with concern and… love? He just couldn't get the thoughts to form into words.

Before either could say anything Neville waved his wand closing and silencing the curtains. The moment it was done Neville spoke, "Harry, please? Just tell me what's wrong. Tell me everything. I want to know all of the things that give you nightmares, tell me all the things that you think you can't tell anyone."

Harry was sure his eyes must have widened to the size of hockey pucks before they closed tightly as new tears formed and spilled over. He grabbed two fist full's of Neville's t-shirt and sobbed as quietly as possible into his neck. Neville just rubbed his back in large circles and hummed quietly deep in his throat. Harry loved that Neville wasn't shushing him like so many others would have done… he simply just held Harry and let him cry. It was beautiful to be held and just be able to let it all out.

Although that was only part of the reason he was crying again. Mainly it was because what Neville had just said was probably one of the most amazing things anyone had ever said to him. Sure people had asked what was wrong… but Neville wasn't asking, he was telling Harry to say it and he meant it. He honestly wanted to know what made Harry upset… what was so terrible that it gave him nightmares.

And that was another thing. How exactly had Neville known he had nightmares all the time? He had woken up occasionally screaming last year because of Voldemort's visions… but this was different. He could tell that wasn't what the blonde was referring to.

He let the tears go for a long time reveling in the feeling of love and acceptance before calming himself. He gave a shuddery sob and finally pulled his face away from the now damp neck and unclenched his hands from Neville's shirt instead settling for them facing palms down lightly against Neville's chest.

He looked into Neville's eyes that were filled with intense love and respect and Harry wanted desperately to be able to tell him what was going on…. But doing that would get Ron in trouble… and for as much as Harry knew this thing with Ron had become wrong, he couldn't help but think that maybe Ron still loved him deep down like he had the first few weeks.

He could tell Neville everything else though… he needed to.

"My relatives hate me. They beat me until I can barely stand. I'm basically their slave during the summer's and if I make one mistake I'm beaten and locked in the cupboard under the stairs which was also my bedroom for the first eleven years of my life. Every day I'm there I wish I was back here… or dead. I go to bed wishing that my uncle had pushed it too far and accidently killed me." With sad but still unwavering eyes Harry continued.

"I really am 'The Chosen One' and I think it's because Dumbledore is being manipulative. The more I find out about Dumbledore the more I wish I was thirteen again when I was sure the man could do no wrong."

"Last year… my godfather died because of me, you know… you were there. I almost got a lot of people killed last year. I regret it every time I think about it. How many people got hurt because of me, how many of you could have died… I wish desperately I could go back and do it all over again, make myself not jump to such a hideous conclusion. Go back so that maybe I could still at least have Sirius around to confide in." Neville knew how much Sirius' death had tormented him, he had watched as Harry's face, body, and mind had crumpled at seeing his godfather die and slip through the veil protecting Harry. Neville knew in his heart that Sirius would never have had it any other way; he would have died a thousand times over for Harry without batting an eye. But that didn't change the guilt Harry felt, he knew that. He sighed inwardly as he waited for Harry to continue.

"And… when I close my eyes… even if it's just for a minute sometimes… I can hear and see my mother screaming at Voldemort to kill her and spare me. I can see the flash of green, and I can see the light leave my mother's being. I can hear her final words echo in my head even after I've opened my eyes." Harry looked so haunted; it was scary seeing that in someone as young as Harry. He was barely sixteen seeing things people like Dumbledore hadn't even seen.

"And, sometimes when I'm alone I cry because I know in my heart that when I face Voldemort I'm going to die. He's going to kill me and all I will have to show for my life is a desperate child who couldn't even kill the man that killed my parents. I'm going to die knowing that even though I tried I won't have succeed… only eased the path slightly for someone else. I know that when the time comes to be the hero everyone expects me to be I'm going to fail. I might even accept death as a welcome friend, because anything has to be better than this." By the end of that last confession dry sobs and fierce shaking wracked Harry's body making the boy feel as though his bones would shake apart.

This time Neville did shush him. He placed a rough finger against Harry's lips and kissed his forehead. "Do you want to know what I know for a fact?" Harry nodded slowly blinking back tears. "I know Harry, that when you face Voldemort… you are going to win. And not because you are the 'Chosen One', but because you need to… for your parents, for Sirius… Ron, (said in his head with a bite of venom) and for yourself. You're going to win because you need to win for yourself. You're so much stronger then you give yourself credit for. I know you don't see it, but you are incredibly brave and strong.

Harry melted at those words… but he couldn't ignore the way Neville seemed so reluctant to mention Ron. It was as if Neville knew. And, Harry found he couldn't stop himself. He tilted his head up and stared into Neville's dazzling hazel eyes and kissed him. It was slow and steady, passionate, showing him that he appreciated everything Neville had said.

And Harry really did appreciate it, but not just his words, it was everything about Neville. As Harry stared at Neville after lightly kissing his lips, he realized that he had never really given Neville enough credit. The boy, although shy at times, was still a Gryffindor. The way Neville looked at Harry, the way Neville knew what he was feeling without realizing it was intimate and made Harry buzz with what he could only describe as happiness. … To be known so intimately, and neither realizing that it was happening was something that Harry suddenly couldn't ignore. And that was why he had kissed Neville, that undeniable connection they shared that surpassed anything he had every really known. It was sudden but not unwelcome.

Even with that connection between them… Honestly he wanted to feel ashamed… he was dating Ron for heaven's sake. He loved Ron…

Didn't he?

Kissing Neville had felt more right than a hundred of Ron's kisses ever had. "Neville. I don't know what I'm doing."

"I know Harry." There was a long pause then, "will you please tell me about Ron?"

Harry sucked in a sharp breath. And with much trepidation, "he beats me Neville. And when beating me isn't enough he has sex with me…"

Neville could hear the unspoken words even before Harry said them. "Even when I don't want to." Neville's arms tightened around him.

"Why haven't you told anyone?" Neville was inwardly trying very hard to control the urge to jump out of bed and suffocate Ron with his pillow!

"Because, I wanted to believe that Ron still loves me." He buried his face in Neville's chest. He had cried himself out of tears… but that didn't mean he didn't still have the urge.

Neville's arms tightened around him again and he could hear the boy's heart racing with what he assumed was anger towards Ron. "Please don't tell anyone Neville."

"Why shouldn't I?" Harry looked up at Neville's face. He looked pissed… in fact he looked terrifying. Harry didn't feel scarred… but he knew anyone else would. In fact instead of feeling scarred he felt happy. Neville looked like that because he was angry someone had hurt him.

"I'm not sure I have a good answer Neville." Neville's eyes softened. He did. Harry didn't want Ron to get in trouble because even though the bastard had treated Harry as less then scum, Harry still had love for him.

Neville knew Harry didn't want to hurt anyone, especially if he believed that person held love for him, or if he loved them. But what was happening between them was so wrong! Ron shouldn't have that kind of power over anyone… especially not Harry.

"Harry, promise me that tomorrow you're going to break up with him. If you don't, I'm going to have to tell Professor McGonagall. I won't sit idly by and watch you destroy yourself because of Ron."

Harry lay quietly for a long time, obviously considering all the options even though Neville wasn't really giving him very many. Finally with a shaky voice Harry answered. "I promise Neville." Harry shook his head just a bit to agree.

Neville gave him a small smile and lightly picked up Harry's left wrist and unwound the bandage. He ran his thumb over it so lightly Harry almost didn't feel it. Then slowly he moved his lips to it and kissed along the angry line in three light kisses whispering something on it. When he was done the cut was completely gone.

"I know you did that because you felt you needed to… it made you feel better right?"

"Yes." Harry croaked it out like it was the hardest word he had ever said.

"I used to do that too when the realization that my parents would never really be my parents again got to be too much. But I realized eventually that it really wasn't helping it was really only hurting me more. From now on you won't do that if you need to let out stress you're going to come talk to me. If I see another bandage, a scar, or anything that looks like you might have hurt yourself we will be having words."

Harry's eyes sparkled with a happiness that he didn't quit understand. Neville was laying in his bed, talking to him. Neville wasn't trying to get in his pants or hurt him… Neville was there because he cared. He cared more than anyone had ever cared about him. Harry had even kissed him and he still wasn't taking advantage of him. That alone made kissing him again ten times easier.

Harry smiled the slightest of smiles and pressed his lips delicately to Neville's and just as softly as they met their lips parted. "Neville when I break up with Ron will you be with me?"

Neville looked startled… like he hadn't expected Harry to ever want him… almost like those kisses had been purely for comfort and not because he thought they had meant anything to Harry.

"You would want to be with me… like in a relationship?" Harry smiled his first genuine smile in a long time.

"Yes… I would." Neville's face flashed with an equally as brilliant, genuine smile.

"I would be more than honored Harry." He was so happy he didn't know what to do with himself. Of course Neville had accepted the kisses, but he had assumed they were more for support and comfort than for what he had always wished they would be. And now, Harry was asking to be with him. It was too good to be true but he was grateful to whatever deity had granted him this moment.

A sour part of him that always reminded him his life was not made of rainbows, had to remind him that Harry was vulnerable and it was very likely that once Harry recovered from the abuse he had received from Ron he would no longer care about Neville.

He pushed the thought aside in favor of this glorious moment. After tomorrow when Harry broke it off with Ron they would be together just like he had been waiting for, for five years. He smiled at Harry and kissed the other boys forehead.

"Go to sleep now Harry. You have a big day ahead of you." Harry nodded and buried his head in Neville's chest.

"Will you stay with me all night? … Please?" Neville didn't think that would be smart what with Ron being in the bed just to the right of Harry's, but he knew too that if he left Harry wouldn't sleep well.

"Okay Harry… just give me a moment okay?" He got out of bed and drew his bed hangings around his bed and sealed them so no one could look in. Then he returned to Harry's bed and crawled back in drawing the curtains around them. He sealed and silenced them again and drew Harry back into his arms. "Sleep now Harry, I promise not to leave you tonight."

Harry nodded and sank into Neville's strong arms then quickly falling asleep.