Chapter Three: Selfish

The walls of morgue began to close in on me, and with them the bodies of people drew closer to me. Standing there, it made me realize how all of these bodies would either be claimed by family or sent to the crematorium to be burnt to cinder beyond recognition. Their urns would be planted six feet deep in holes in the earth, with nothing but a little wooden cross marking their grave. Maybe their name would be engraved onto the little wooden cross. However, it was more than likely that the crosses would not the bear the name of those ashes. Human existence was so easily forgotten and this seemed to prove it.

I slid out of the window and onto the twilit street. It was empty. Not a soul roamed the sick streets of Chicago. The influenza reminded me of the plague, except people just lay in their own houses to rot. No one ever wanted to go to the hospital because they knew the treatments were barbarous and painful. They knew they were going to die in the end. Carlisle and I had been living in New Orleans before we came to Chicago. The plague broke out there in the early nineteen hundreds. Carlisle being Carlisle, we made a lot of house calls during that time.

My hand on the handle, I turned it slowly and walked inside. The smell of blood hit me like a slap on the face with a wet towel. The constant groaning from upstairs was enough for the hairs on my arms and back to stand on end. I still had enough humanity left to understand just how awful the change was. Hearing Edward cry out like that was enough for me to shoot upstairs, like I was a bullet fired from a gun. Carlisle hovered over Edward, cooling his impossibly crimson face with icy palms. I saw that Carlisle had gagged Edward, so he was unable to scream. He was so scared. His bright green eyes darted, not focusing on anything in the room. He could not concentrate on anything, anything but the pain.

Carlisle stood back then, seeing without looking that I had entered the room. I watched the boy, too bewildered by pain to understand what was happening. I knew how it felt. I knew how there were two different places whilst one's body undertook the change. There was a dark place, a non-reality, a fantasy and the pain seemed to dull to a distant burning. The dark fantasy kept the pain away. I remember I hated that non-reality. I hated being kept in the dark but whenever I tried to see, everything was a violent shade of red. I wanted to see Carlisle's face more than anything. I remember wanting him to kill me. I screamed and screamed, begging him to kill me.

Edward could not beg and plead for death. He was gagged to prevent the neighbors from getting suspicious.

I walked over to Edward and sat next to him. My fingers swept over the contours of his boyish face. He would not look like such a lovely child after the change was complete. We were natural predators, taking on the shape of what our prey were completely awestruck by. Some humans were not charmed by the looks of one vampire, but may be completely dazzled by another. Some of us looked younger and some of us looked older after our change. I looked younger, like a beautiful little china doll. Edward would look older. I could tell by the way his face was undertaking the change. This jaw and cheekbones were sharpening, while his humane youthfulness was sucked from him.

Three days passed and I had never circled a room so many times since I was human and locked in my bedroom. I waited. I watched Edward fall into many states of consciousness, some I could hardly differentiate from awake or asleep. Sometimes I wondered if he was comatose or just sleeping with his eyes open. Carlisle came and went, not daring to return to the hospital. The Masen's were the richest family in this part of Chicago. Of course, the nurses noticed that we had brought him to the morgue. The police would get involved soon. Edward probably had rich relatives somewhere else who would try to find him. They would not, however.

"The change is almost complete," I whispered on the night of third day.

Carlisle had not exchanged a word since I had bit him. I never dared to leave Edward, scared he would wake up alone. So, Carlisle had succumbed to kissing me in his presence. I doubt he even noticed our physical gestures of love. His attention was most likely on tongues of fire that licked his veins. Carlisle said he would be ours. A human might be disturbed by that thought; that we were claiming him as a partner. Humans believed that there was only one true love out there. Perhaps that is true, for them. They had a very short and fragile life span; barely enough to find their soul mate. For a vampire, they had forever to find their beau. Perhaps for some, after a while, one is not enough. They find another to share a part of themselves with. I knew that I would never have agreed to the idea fifty years ago, but now, things were different. Carlisle thought he was not enough for me. Perhaps that was true. I was not completely sure myself. All I knew was that I wanted Edward with a passion I did not recognize.

"His heart is racing," he replied back to me in the same near inaudible voice.

Facing Carlisle, I gave him a pleading look. "I have no superhuman talents. We are just wanderers, Carlisle. I cannot have every vampire I create relying on my talents. I can barely keep my guard up for myself with you depending on it."

Carlisle's eyes narrowed, "That is selfish, Isabella. Would you rather him reap the streets of wherever we migrate to, killing every stranger that crosses his path? Brutally playing with humans before finally putting an end to their misery? Think about what is best for everyone. The world is a safer place when you use your talent."

I gritted my teeth, "Do not be like that. Would you rather me sit in a corner all day every day, keeping tabs on every vampire in the world to prevent them from ever drinking human blood? It is selfish for you to even think that way. Do you want me to put humans off murder, war and killing animals too? I am not God! And if there is a God up there, he wanted us to crave and drink human blood!"

Carlisle shook his head at me, disappointment evident in his eyes. How could he think I was selfish? He just could not understand what it was like, keeping tabs on him all the time to make human blood smell vile to him. Keeping my guard up for him and myself gave me a strange sort of headache that never went away. That headache would only increase in pain with my guard keeping Edward from smelling the real scent of human blood.

My hands tightened into fists as I watched Edward, still undeniably angry with Carlisle and his lack of understanding. His heartbeat was ascending rapidly as each second ticked by; it was struggling. His body was dying so his soul could be frozen inside forever. The pounding organ had taken off, the sound almost a single sustained note. I watched as his teeth bit and tore at his gag, screaming at the sudden pain I could almost feel just by looking at him. His eyes were closed so tightly, as if salt had just been poured straight into them. I could imagine the pain rescinding back and back, building up in the center of his chest.

His heart faltered. It missed a beat and was slowing down. Three more and it had stopped for five long seconds, before letting out one last extremely feeble beat.

I looked Carlisle. His eyes were wide, staring at Edward. He leaned forward and quickly tore off his gag. Edward moved so quickly, if I had blinked, I would have missed it. He was crouched defensively. Carlisle's touch was obviously enough to send him into a frenzy. A single touch and he felt violated. The violation caused a snarl to rip from his chest. The inhumane snarl shocked him. I could see it in his ruby red eyes.

His quick, darting eyes centered on me after a brief pause, "Who are you?" he murmured. His voice was much lower now, not to mention as smooth as silk. I only had his sick voice to compare it too, and he sounded so much healthier. The pitch and depth of his voice shocked him as well, almost as much as the snarl and the rapidness of his movements had.

"I am Bella Swan," I said, speaking for the first time in three days. I indicated with my hand to Carlisle, "This is Carlisle Cullen. You are safe now, Edward. Everything is absolutely fine."

He did not believe me; I could see it in his eyes. They began to dart around the room again, seeing for the first time with his vampire eyes. He would only have blurry human memories to compare to. I could see how stunned he was. His stance told me everything. Then his eyes zipped to Carlisle and a growl slipped out from between Edward's teeth. Edward with raw, primitive and completely unknown instinct felt threatened by the only other male in the room. I could see that Carlisle was ready to slip into a defensive half-crouch at any second. Fighting went against his very nature, but he would do anything to protect me. He would anything to protect his family, even if that meant putting an end to its newest member because he threatened the safety of the others.

Seconds ticked by like whole minutes, and my eyes took in every one of Edward's reactions to this change. Then he straightened up but he mimicked Carlisle, ready to fall back into that offensive crouch if need be. He took a breath, held it and exhaled. "Where am I, Bella?" he asked, his voice quieter now and completely unsure. His crimson eyes met mine in a moment of fear. He was scared now.

"Our home," I breathed and placed my foot in front the other, forewarning that I was going to step closer to him. Edward's eyes glanced down at my feet and give me a brief nod. I could approach. He trusted me. However, I could tell that he held no such trust in Carlisle. Newborn vampires were very primitive creatures. Males felt threatened by other males, while there was no such threat from a woman.

I took that step forward. I felt Carlisle's hand wrap around my wrist. Primal instincts were awakening in him too. He had to protect his mate. I wondered if that was what he viewed me as, somewhere deep inside. Suddenly, another snarl broke from Edward's chest. He was crouched again. This time he was facing Carlisle, teeth bared. He roared and before I could comprehend, Carlisle was thrown head first into the wall behind me. Unfazed by the sudden attack, Carlisle snarled this time. His attack was slower than Edward's, but I knew Edward could not foresee how Carlisle fought his opponents. There were very few times when I had seen Carlisle attack someone, but the way he fought was unique. He never attacked the front because that was too close to the teeth. As an English gentleman, he would not attack from behind because it showed fear and weakness. He fought at the sides; smashing holes through skin like a hammer through a hollow marble statue.

However, I watched closely as Carlisle made his attack. I was awestruck as Edward quickly moved out the way. There was no technique in his movement. There was nothing to indicate that he was a fighter. But how did he premeditate Carlisle attack? Carlisle was as shocked as I was as Edward rose his hands in defeat.

"Why did you do that?" Edward asked, full volume with his lips still curled over his teeth. I saw his hands ball into fists in confused frustration. His eyes narrowed, flitting between me and Carlisle, neither of us saying a word. What was he talking about? He was the one who attacked first, so in response Carlisle attacked because he felt threatened. That was why.

His eyes landed on me, "Not that, I understand why he fought back. Why did he tell me what he was going to do?"

I gasped, a sharp intake of breath invading my lungs. If I were human it probably would have given me the hiccups. "How did you do that?" I whispered. I walked carefully towards him, ignoring Carlisle's long continuous warning growl. The tips of my toes touched his and I looked up at him. His eyes were weary, tired with the abnormality of it all. He took my face extremely gently in his hands and closed his eyes, his expression deep in thought. Carlisle's sustained growl changed slightly in pitch. This time his growl was not warning, instead it was possessive. Edward was touching what was his and he did not like it. Carlisle was going to have to learn that we were not enough for each other; that I was not only his and that he was not only mine anymore.

"You speak to me. You both speak to me but your lips do not move. How do you do that?" He whispered, his eyes still closed.

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. His finger brushed the place where the two creases of my flexed brows were parallel to each other. Still, his eyes were closed. Can you hear me? I thought. Edward nodded once and opened his eyes. They were calmer now. The red of his irises were not as menacing and confused as they were only minutes ago. I pressed my lips together in a hard line as Edward looked at Carlisle.

"No," he murmured to him. Carlisle's growl stopped abruptly and I met his sad eyes. I had missed something. Carlisle had thought something and Edward had answered. He had a gift. He could hear the thoughts our minds were processing. Although, it must have been hard for him. A vampire could think many things at once. It must have just sounded like a rush of babble if we were not thinking towards him.

"Vampire?" Edward repeated, hearing the word in my head.

"Carlisle made you better, Edward," I lied, making sure that the lie was what I believed. He would be able to see through my transparent lies because he could read my thoughts. But if I believed that Carlisle changed him, perhaps he would think I was telling the truth. "You are an immortal now."

His hands dropped from my face. With speed and grace that I once had fifty years ago, he glided to the full length mirror mounted onto the wall. He gasped. His hands flew to his face, feeling the sharp contours of his white face. Feeling the dark ridges under his eyes, his sharp intake of air hitched in his throat as he saw those fierce eyes. Shaking his head a little in disbelief, he studied himself carefully, trying to find a little of what he used to be hidden beneath that beauty. Every flaw that made him human was gone.

"Vampire," he whispered again as he stroked his lips with the tips of his fingers.

"I must apologize to you Edward," Carlisle murmured. "I did not mean to be so violent, but I am sure you have realized how even the tiniest emotion sends you into a frenzy."

Edward nodded deeply in enthusiastic agreement, his eyes still on his reflection. Carlisle continued, "Do you wish to know anything? I will tell you all that I know of our existence, if you would only listen to my thoughts." Edward's eyes met Carlisle's reflection and he nodded briefly in agreement. Carlisle closed his eyes and I guessed that he was going over absolutely everything he knew of what we were, which was far more than what I knew. He was interested in what made vampires vampire and what made humans human. He was sure that we were a completely different species from humans, just like a domestic cat and a mountain lion. I never really understood him when he went on little tangents about chromosomal counts and deoxyribonucleic acid. I probably could have if I paid attention but science never had really captured my attention. I knew enough to pass medical school, and that was more than enough for me.

When Carlisle opened his eyes, he looked straight at me. His expression was blank but Edward probably knew exactly what he was thinking. My lips parted but I could not think of anything to say. Finally words came to my after a few long minutes, "What now?" I asked the two marble statues before me.

"We must leave," Carlisle replied.

"Where is my mother?" Edward asked, changing the topic abruptly.

"She is gone," I murmured.

"You decided to save me, but left my mother for the dead?" his voice was as hollow and empty as I felt. I flinched.

"Can you not feel that ache in your throat? That thirst?" Carlisle said softly. Edward's head snapped up and he glared at him for bringing the thought to the forefront of his mind. "You will live with that, forever. That hunger will never be satisfied, no matter how much blood passes your lips. Would you really want that for your own mother?"

Edward took his words in and froze. "Why me?" he almost hummed.

Carlisle looked at me, not willing to answer Edward's question. I could not answer either. Was it because he dying? Was it because I could not stand by and watch another human who had not had the chance to live die before their time? Death followed Carlisle and I everywhere, and just this once I wanted to save someone.

I sighed. Edward simply shook his head, unable to understand my thoughts.

"Will you stay with us, Edward? Or would you rather go on your own?" Carlisle asked ever so gently. Edward looked a little fazed by the idea of leaving the only familiar thing he had left; me. He knew me from his human life. He knew that I had helped him and cooled him down when he was warm. That I had talked to him when no one else would go near him, except his mother.

"I will stay," he said, "if that is fine with both of you."

I nodded eagerly with a large smile. I wanted him to stay more than anything. His expression softened at my excitement. The room was very still for at least a minute. Carlisle and I had begun to breathe again, but Edward was just a statue. I walked over to Carlisle, and hugged him tight. He was surprised by this but returned my hug all the same. I whispered to him, "Thank you."

He just nodded and kissed my hair before walking out the room without saying a word. Once the door was closed, I smiled darkly at Edward, my teeth bared. Edward's eyes widened a little in shock, I guessed. But once he heard my thoughts, he seemed to calm just a little. Although, I was pretty sure that those thoughts forming in my mind aroused him somewhat. We had forever to get to know each other, and sex was the best way in my opinion. I wanted to know how he worked, what he needed other than blood to make him happy. I wanted to know what made him scream and beg for more. There was a dark side of me, a side of me that killed a little of the love I held for Carlisle every time it broke to the surface.