Chapter 4
A/N: Hi! I feel like I do one of these super long notes each chapter. I'm sorry, it's my first fan fiction so bear with me. Once again, thanks for reading; if you like it please review.
Anyway, I let the ball drop a little on the timeline on certain things in this story so to clarify: this story takes place 2 months after the episode where Liam almost forgives Steffy (the one with all the white roses). Their split happened when he found the paternity papers, I don't remember how long ago that was but I'm going to have it be 4-5 months in the story. As far as Steffy's pregnancy, I would put her at around 7 months pregnant at this point in the story.
Steffy's POV
I dreaded going back to work for many reasons.
The first; everyone tiptoed around me, asking me if I was okay, if I needed to sit, or take a break, put my feet up. They seem to have forgotten that I am the badass CEO of Forrester Creations, and I can totally take care of myself.
The second; Hope and Liam. When I was trying to save my marriage, I loved running into Liam at work; so much so that it didn't bother me too much that Hope had her own reasons for Liam being there. Before the wedding this weekend, I was terrified to come back to work. I didn't have to imagine what it would be like to work with Hope while she and Liam were together, I done it before. But I wouldn't have been able to handle knowing Hope's absence from work was because they were blissfully tucked away on their honeymoon. I couldn't have watched her come back to work with that newlywed, happily in love glow. Not without putting my fist through a wall.
The third reason, however, was perhaps the scariest. It was the what ifs. What if Liam and Hope hadn't reconciled at the wedding? What if he meant what he had said at the Cliff House? What if he planned to fight for us; for me and little bean? What if I wasn't strong enough to hold out? It was terrifying because he was tied, through contractual obligation to the HFTF line, and that meant that I would have to see him in meetings or just walking through the building. I didn't necessarily want him to be on a honeymoon, but I needed him to be thousands of miles away, at least for a little while.
As I entered my office at Forrester, I prayed that maybe Hope and Liam wouldn't be in today.
I needed an extra day to decompress. The entire situation was becoming too stressful and borderline unhealthy for me and bean.
"Steffy, your 11 0' clock is here." Pam said.
Quickly skimming through my appointments to find the identity of my 11 o' clock; a photographer I had scouted for a new project I was soon to announce. He was definitely talented, and a great catch, professionally, of course, though I had needed to remind him a few times at previous meetings.
"Send him in." I called.
"Steffy." He sighed, dramatically, "A vision of timeless beauty, if I haven't said so already."
He walked over to my desk, taking my outstretched hand and instead of shaking it, brought it up to his lips.
"You have." I said sternly, taking back my hand. "Cameron Hart, always the charmer."
"I try." He smirked.
Cameron Hart was a flirt, but it was easy for him to be. He was gorgeous. With his blond hair, sparkling grey eyes, and strong jaw perpetually covered in scruff, many people commented that he should be on the opposite side of the camera lens.
"Yes," I laughed. "You do. Of course, you're going to have to keep that on lock around the models here. I can't have them all heartbroken over you."
"You know I only have eyes for you, Steffy." He said, raising the ever-present camera around his neck and taking my picture.
"Cameron, we talked about this." I groaned.
"What?" He asked, innocently. "I have a duty to capture the beauty of the universe."
"Cameron, I'm—" I stopped myself, because my usual refrain didn't apply anymore. I wasn't married anymore. To be completely honest, it was nice to be looked at and treated like something other than a burden, but it didn't mean I was ready to entertain the possibility of a relationship with anyone else. I couldn't say that, though. I couldn't say 'Hey Cameron, you unbelievably attractive and fun to be around and you make me feel good—which has been hard to do the last couple weeks—but I'm not over my idiot ex and I'd rather wallow than entertain your advances'.
Instead, I said, "I'm pregnant."
To which he replied with a simple, "I know. All the more reason to come to dinner with me. I hear babies like food."
I laughed. I thought for a guy like Cameron, dating a pregnant woman wouldn't be very high on his list.
"Let's try to keep things professional, huh?" I said.
"For now." He said.
"Anyway, it's a new project for Forrester, a line that I have designed and have been overseen myself. You'll be working closely with me so get the flirting in check. It is called Steffy's Girl."
He chuckled. "Nice play on Jesse's Girl."
"Thanks. I was hoping you'd catch that. Anyway, it's a maternity and accompanying baby wear line. Couture for mom and baby, obviously I'm a little annoyed it hadn't already been designed so I could wear it."
"Always ahead of the curve, aren't you?" He smiled.
"Yeah, I haven't come up with a name for the accompanying baby boy line, so I guess we'll brainstorm that together. Right now, you'll be photographing the models with the samples, and some of the other lines as well."
"Are you modelling?" He asked.
"Some." I said. When he grinned, I rolled my eyes. "Don't get any ideas, Cam. You're here to work."
"Of course." He agreed.
I led him to the door, where he pressed a quick kiss to my cheek.
"Go be trouble somewhere else Cameron." I glared.
He swaggered off, bumping into Liam on his way.
"Is he bothering you?" Liam asked.
"No, he's fine." I said. "What are you doing here?"
I asked quickly retreating behind my desk to put some distance between us. Liam shut the door behind him giving us some privacy from Pam's spying.
"I work here." He said, shrugging.
"Hope didn't come in today. I didn't think you would either." I said.
"Hope was upset. She needed some time away from me." He said.
I wasn't surprised. I guess she hadn't been too forgiving.
"Is there something you needed, then?" I asked, trying to keep our conversation short.
"I would like for you to talk to me." He said, as he approached the desk, the only distance between us was the few feet of wood.
"I don't know what you want me to say." I said honestly.
He nodded.
"Okay, then I'll talk. I'm going to fight for you and our family. Even if you've given up on us, I haven't." He said, determined.
"Liam, I would prefer if we kept things professional at work."
"You can push me away as long as you want. I won't give up. I love you and I promise, we will be a family again before little bean is born. When we bring her home, we'll do it together."
"Please stop." I cried. "It's not going to work. Your sweet words don't sway me anymore. I can't do this with you anymore. There's more on the line than just my heart this time."
At my tears, Liam lost all sense of professionalism, crossing over to my side of the desk, taking my face in his hands and peppering kisses over my tears.
"I promise it's not just words. I mean everything I say." He said.
"You always do. It doesn't change anything." I told him.
"I want to work on us and our relationship. I'll do whatever it takes for you to trust me again." He pulled out a card from his pocket. "I called a marriage counsellor. She's agreed to see us."
I shook my head. "We're not married."
"I know, but I hope we will be again one day."
I shook my head, pushing him away.
"No. I need you to leave." I cried. "Please leave, Hope's not here, HFTF meetings have been pushed. You don't need to be here, so go."
"I mean it. I'm going to fight for you." He promised, staying put.
"If you really love me, then you'll leave. Just leave my office. You don't even have to leave the building, but if you care about me at all, you'll give me space."
It was a cheap shot, I knew it was, but I said it anyway. He took a step back at my plea. I knew I'd hurt him, but I couldn't bring myself to care about that right now. I just needed some time and space. Just a day. After today, I might be okay to see him and deal with him.
He placed the card on my desk.
It read: Dr. Marsh, Ph.D. Social Psychology, Certified Marriage Counsellor.
"I made an appointment for tomorrow at 6. Please come." He said, as he left.
I picked up the card, wondering how this doctor could help us if we couldn't even help ourselves.
It was 6:15 when I knocked on Dr. Marsh's door.
I'd sat in my car for the last half hour cutting in the engine on and off. I'm pretty sure I broke it.
So, I took a different approach. I was going to do this band-aid style. I'd do it once, and quick and be done with it; no point in dragging out the pain.
And if Liam was as serious about this as he claimed to be, being a no show for this meeting would mean a heck of a lot of hounding from him in the future.
The sooner we dealt with our issues, the better our relationship would be when our daughter was born.
Our platonic relationship.
That's what I would do. I would walk into her office and make what I wanted clear.
A nice, amicable, platonic relationship with the father of my child.
And maybe if I said it enough, it would stick.
The door opened, and I walked into a very serene office space. Liam sat on a large comfy looking couch, and Dr. Marsh sat in a lone armchair across a coffee table. The office was decorated with tall leafy plants; it felt like a high-end spa more than it did a doctor's office.
"Hi, Steffy. I'm glad you could make it." She said, getting up to greet me.
I nodded as she led me over to the couch. Liam stood, hugging me for just a minute too long, before helping me sit. The urge to slap his hand away was strong. I was getting heavier, but I could sit by myself, and when he did things like that it confused me.
Dr. Marsh watched our interaction closely, before scribbling something on a notepad she kept on her lap.
"What was that?" I asked quickly, before Liam even had a chance to sit or notice her blatant observation.
"I keep notes throughout my sessions, just on things I notice about the couple. If it is something I think the couple do well, something they need to work on, things like that." She said, her voice quiet, soothing; much like the ambience of her office.
Dr. Marsh herself looked a lot like my grandma, Stephanie. She was a little past her prime, with long white hair, and a face that still demanded your attention. She could be intimidating to some, but I'd grown most of my life with Stephanie, so she didn't scare me.
"And what was that? Something we do well or something we need to work on?" I questioned.
"That was just an observation." She answered.
"Well, I'm sure Liam filled you in on our situation, or you've at least read about us in the tabloids. I'm guessing you know why we're here." I said.
I glanced at Liam briefly, before turning my attention back to Dr. Marsh in time to see her write something else on that little notepad.
That was going to get annoying really quick.
"Actually no. Liam and I sat in silence while we were waiting." She said. I glanced at Liam, only to find him already staring at me. "I have a lot of high profile clients, so I try not to indulge in the tabloids. They don't always tell the whole truth." She said.
"No, they don't." Liam muttered, and I tensed, bracing for the distance or judgement that would soon follow as it usually did when he thought of Spencer Publications, but none came. There was only silence and the scratching sound of pen on paper.
"Okay, then I guess we should start." I said.
Liam nodded.
"And where would you like to start?" Dr. Marsh asked.
The question stayed suspended in the air, both me and Liam refusing to answer first.
I stared at Liam, expecting him to answer. This was his idea, his eyes seemed eager to participate and learn and fix us, but he just smiled at me.
"Okay then, let's try something different then. Liam, why don't you tell me what it is you think Steffy wants from you, and vice versa." She said.
Liam cleared his throat, rubbing his hands together. "I want—"
"No." Dr. Marsh interrupted. "What do you think Steffy wants?"
He sighed.
"Steffy used to want to save our marriage, but I didn't, and now that we're here, I think Steffy wants us to be together, but more than anything she wants a stable home for our daughter and she doesn't think that I can do that." His eyes caressed every part of my face as if he hadn't already committed them to memory and when his eyes finally landed on mine, they held so much hope that I looked away.
Dr. Marsh stared at me pointedly.
"Liam wants to pretend the last 4 months didn't happen. He wants us to get back together and be the family we always wanted." I said quietly.
"No, I don't want to pretend—" Liam started.
"May I interject, I want to keep this environment as positive as I can. First, congratulations on your pregnancy." She smiled. We all did. The mood was lighter. "But I have some rules. I will interrupt anytime I feel like we're falling into unproductive conversation. That being said, please feel free to say whatever is on your mind, but I would like to limit deflections and protests. I would like you to start sentences with 'I feel'; so, no protests as to not discount your partner's feelings. That being said, Liam continue what you were going to say, beginning with 'I feel'".
"I feel that I want to acknowledge everything we went through and find a way to move forward." He said.
"And Steffy, what is it that you feel?" Dr. Marsh turned her gaze to me.
"I feel that our past is hard. The good was amazing and damn near perfect, but that bad was the most devastated I've ever been, and I'd rather not get my heart broken, again." I said.
Liam sucked in a breath beside me.
"That obviously struck a chord with you, Liam. Anything to add?" She asked him.
"I feel overwhelmed. I've been learning a lot of things in the last few days that has really changed my perspective."
Dr. Marsh nodded.
"Okay." She said. "From what I've seen there's a lot of love here, and a lot of pain. This is just my observation from your body language in the last few minutes. Your eyes linger, your touches are soft. But there is also a lot of distrust here. I'd like each of you to tell me about your past, in your own words, from the start. Steffy let's start with you."
And so, I told her every factual detail of mine and Liam's life together, everything including my deceptions, and his involvement with Hope. I told her about his involvement with Sally, and my indiscretion with his father. I told her of his forgiveness and then his change of mind. I told her how we'd been deceived, leading to our annulment, his almost wedding to Hope, and my restraining order against his father.
"Well, thank you for that." Dr. Marsh said, when I'd finally stopped. "But, how did you feel through all of that?"
I didn't see what good I could do by answering that question. It would just dredge up a lot of pain for both of us.
"Which part?" I asked, instead.
"Tell me how you felt as you were retelling the story." She said.
"I felt like at first people thought I only wanted Liam because Hope had him. It upset me, it painted me as the villain for our entire lives. They made it seem as though my feelings for Liam weren't genuine and that I was using him as some ploy to get revenge on Hope because of the part time relationship we both had with my dad. And because of that, no matter what I did I was the bad guy and Hope was the angel, even when she slept with Liam, or kissed him and made advances on him when we were together, it was okay because they were destined to be together and I was the villain preventing destiny. It pissed me off."
"It only pissed you off? Who were you mad at, Hope or Liam?" She asked.
"I wasn't ever mad at Liam, I don't think. I was sad, and I felt like I would always struggle to be good enough, because no matter how much I had changed, I had all my past indiscretions that were always being thrown in my face. I felt tired, the tug of war with Hope was getting exhausting and I was always on the brink of giving up when Liam came back to me." I said.
"And what about now? Why does Liam think you want a platonic relationship?" She asked.
"Because I do. I was never mad at Liam, I never allowed myself to be because I always had Hope to be mad at, and fight against. But in the last few months, I realized that he doesn't trust me. I spent a long time being a good person and constantly being reminded of my past mistakes, and I know that sleeping with Bill is the biggest mistake of all of them, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life hearing about it, having his forgiveness thrown in my face, walking on eggshells and feeling like less of a person over something I can't take back. I realized that I don't trust him, either. I let all my negative feelings simmer and I realize now that I feel very insecure when I'm with him, like nothing I do will ever be enough and that he always has a fallback, or is that me? Am I the fallback?" I gasped at all I had just said, refusing to look to my left to meet his gaze.
The hurt I would find in them would be too much, it would make me want to take back what I said, even though it was the truth.
Dr. Marsh's pen moved furiously over the pad.
"And Liam, how do you feel?" Dr. Marsh asked.
"I feel like a jerk. Everything she told you was true. I haven't always been the most loyal guy, but I never felt that she was the fallback, and I hate that I ever made her insecure. I never thought she felt like she wasn't good enough, but I need her to know that I will never hold the things that she has done over her head. My forgiveness is not a bargaining chip. I love her, and I've always loved her, even when we weren't together."
"I feel like I need to be clear." I said. "You never made me feel like I should be grateful for your forgiveness. Whenever you forgave me, you meant it. I know that. But everybody else made it their job to remind me; Brooke, Hope, Rick—they all made sure I knew just how grateful I should be that you forgave me. A lot of our relationship involved a lot of different people. It never felt like it was just us. I always felt pressured to be better than I was because they were always watching, waiting for me to screw up so they could step in."
Dr. Marsh nodded and checked her clock.
"Okay, we are almost out of time. I feel like we breached some very sensitive topics today. I would like to schedule your next meeting for tomorrow. My hope is that we can have this resolved before its time for you to give birth. I realize that this can be very stressful for you, Steffy, so I'll try to keep our sessions brief."
She closed her notepad, placing in on the coffee table in-front of us and I was tempted to steal it and find out everything she thought about us.
"I like to close all my sessions on a positive note. I would like you to face each other and take turns listing three things you love about each other." Dr. Marsh said.
Liam turned to face me first, and I slowly turned my body to face his. He was devastated. His eyes red and puffy, as were mine. We both waited for the other to go first. Finally, I broke the silence.
"I love our memories. I know it didn't seem like it today, but being with you has been my greatest joy, even when we were just friends." I smiled.
"I love," He said, pausing before taking my hands in his. "I love your strength. You have always been so sure of yourself and I hate that I was the one to make you doubt yourself, because your strength has made me a stronger person."
"I love your passion. I love the way you love me, and your excitement over bean. I love that you are there with me at every appointment and were there even when I hurt you." I said.
"I love your vulnerability. You are badass, no doubt about that, but you put on this show sometimes like nothing hurts you, and I love that you let that fall with me and opened up to me in this session." He said.
"I love that you fight for me. I know I said I was tired of the cycle, that I wanted us to have a good relationship when our daughter is born, and I felt the only way that was possible was to be friends, but I love that you prove your love to me, over and over again." I said.
"I love that you're here with me. Even though you didn't think we could fix things again, I love that you showed up and that you're going to give this a chance."
"That ends our session for today." Dr. Marsh said. "I'll give you the room for a few minutes. It helps some people to decompress."
Then she left us, alone in a room with everything that had just been said.
A/N: Super long chapter. Liam's POV next.
I originally wrote Cameron as a possible love interest for Steffy, but after the therapy scene it seems kind of pointless. So, I might just write him as a flirt who Liam is jealous of but Steffy never does anything.
I didn't want to rehash their whole love story for the therapist simply because I don't remember all the details and it would have made the chapter even longer. I started watching around the time where Liam and Hope were getting married in Italy, so I didn't want to misrepresent anything.
Anyway, as always read, review and enjoy. Next chapter to come soon.