Chapter three: There always another beginning

I was still feeling a little sick but it was a weird illness. I mostly felt nauseas on the mornings and just a little on the days. Even though I felt nauseas and so I still ate, more than I used to it was like I was hungry all the time. But I hoped that it would pass sooner or later, I mean it must come from all the stress I was feeling with my parents and school it wasn't weird that I was feeling like this.

I thought about this while brushing my teeth and my stomach made some weird noise and I could feel my breakfast was on its way up. I leaned against the toilet waiting for it to come up. The next second it was out of the system and I felt a little better. I could hear Ashley walk into the bathroom, there was no escape she would find me leaning over the toilet and she would know right away that I wasn't feeling all that well. I tried to keep it from mum that I was a little sick; I didn't think that it was necessary to bother her with it since it would pass when the school day began.

"Are you ok?" Ashley asked when she saw me. "Should I get mum?"

"No, it's nothing" I said "I'm just coming down with something"

"Ok, I was just going to give you these" Ashley said and gave me a pack of tampons. "Mum said that you probably wouldn't have that many left"

"I think I have a big bunch of them actually" I said and opened the cabinet to the bathroom cabinet. "See" I said while showing her.

"Yeeze, when was the last time you had your period?" she asked surprised at how stocked the cabinet were.

"Oh, it's just that I haven't been feeling that well and it's been effecting my period I guess" I said explaining.

"Not feeling well?" she asked.

"I've been kind of stressed out lately with mum and dad, school and band practice and trying to fit Ben into it all"

"So you haven't had your period and you have been throwing up?" She asked doubting what I was saying for some reason.

"Yes, I guess I'm kind of sensitive" I said defending myself.

"If I didn't know better I would say that you're pregnant" Ashley stated. My stomach dropped.

"Pregnant?" I said with a small and worried laugh. Ashley nodded.

"But who am I kidding?" she looked at me "If you're pregnant it would mean that you had to have done it and I don't think that you and Ben have gone that far yet" she said. It seemed simply in her ears. But what she said scared me, could I be pregnant? It seemed so silly and stupid but still there was a chance that I was. I mean all the signs were there; morning sickness and not having my period and I was eating a lot too. But I couldn't be pregnant it was impossible.

"Amy?" Ashley asked looking at me "Oh My God, don't tell me you have done it with Ben?" I shocked my head. "Then what's wrong?" she looked at me with worried eyes.

I looked down at the floor taking a deep breath but before I made it to say anything Ashley had closed the bathroom door and then looked straight into my eyes and asked in a serious tone.

"Did you do something with someone that wasn't Ben?"she asked and I went silent. "Oh My God you did" she said after reading the impression on my face.

"I didn't mean for it to happen" I said as a silent tear ran down my face. "But it did" the thought of me being pregnant scared the shit out of me. What if it was true, what if I was having a baby and Ricky was the father to it?

"It doesn't mean anything" Ashley pointed out trying to reassure me "Maybe you're right. Maybe you're just stressed out and that's why you feeling the way you do"

"Maybe" I said. God, don't tell me I got pregnant? I couldn't hold back the tears anymore so I just let them fall.

"So who was he?" Ashley asked while wrapping her arms around me.

"Who?" I asked under the sobs.

"They guy you lost your virginity to?"

"Oh, that guy" I said. "Just someone I met at band camp" I didn't want her to know that it was Ricky; I didn't want her to look at me like I was some sort of whore.

"Wow, I almost wanna go to Band Camp if that's what you're doing there" Ashley said a bit joking but I knew that it was some truth in what she said.

"No" I said quick and firmly "You should not think like that. I mean look at me; I might be pregnant and my life might be over."

"I didn't say that I would do something like getting pregnant, I know how to be safe" She said.

"Something I had no clue about" I admitted embarrassed. It was true not once that night did I thought about being safe. I just figured that Ricky knew what he was doing and that he would think about it.

"Should I get mum?" Ashley asked me in a concern voice.

"NO" I said "Ashley, she can't know about this" I said scared. "Promise me that you won't tell her"

"Fine" she said "But you need to know if you're pregnant for sure"

"I'll take a pregnancy test or something" I sighed "But whatever you do you can't tell mum. She will kick me out of the house or ground me forever" Besides maybe I wasn't pregnant and that this was just some scare that I one day in the future would have a good laugh about. There was no reason telling mum or dad about this.

"Are you going to tell the father?" Ashley asked.

"There's no reason telling him anything until I know for sure if I'm pregnant or not. Besides if I am who knows if I want to keep it" I could not tell Ricky that he might soon be a father, it would freak him out and I know that he's not ready for the responsibility that comes with having a baby. And I knew that I could not have a conversation like that with him.

*

That day in school was horrible, I felt distant all the time and I couldn't think about anything else than the fact that in about seven months I might pop out a baby and be added to the category teenage mother. It was about two months since I slept with Ricky which meant that if I'm pregnant I would have seven months until the baby will be born. The thought made me nervous. I knew that I needed to know for a fact if I was pregnant or not. I hadn't even thought about the possibility of a pregnancy before Ashley mentioned it to me this morning. The more I thought about the more sense it made. I guess that sometimes you just know.

I saw Ben standing in the parking lot. I knew what I had to do. I couldn't be with Ben if I was going to have Ricky's child. I walked up to him. He gave me a light kiss on my mouth before he asked. This might be drastic but it needed to be done.

"Hey, do you want a ride home, my dad is about to come and pick me up?" he was so nice and yes I wanted a ride home and I wanted to be with him I just couldn't.

"Can I talk to you for a sec?" I asked ignoring his question.

"Sure, what's up? Everything ok?" he asked worried. No, nothing was ok and nothing would ever be ok again.

"It's just that I have been thinking" I said and looked down at my feet. "I think that we should, um, s-stay friends" I tried not to stutter and I tried not to cry and I think I was doing ok.

"What?" Ben asked confused and upset.

"It's just that I need to figure things out and I need to do that on my own" It was the truth and so much of it that I could tell him.

"What things?" he seemed bewildered.

"Things that just came up" I said "I just want you to know that this has nothing to do with you. It's all me and you have been great these weeks"

"So, can't you figure things out with me around?" he asked seeming heartbroken.

"I can't have a boyfriend in my life right now, it would be too hard. For me and for you" I mumbled slowly. "This is the best"

"You gonna regret it" Ben said and looked at me.

"I know" I said honest "Believe me I already regret it, but I know that I have to do it"

"Why?"

"I hope that I can tell you one day. But for now let's just say that something happened that I didn't plan and I have to deal with it."

"I don't understand what you're talking about?" Ben admitted.

"I know" I said excusing "All I can say is that something sort of came up and I have to deal with it, alone"

Ben looked at me not knowing what to say. I know that I wasn't a hundred percent sure that I was pregnant and I still hoped that I wasn't, but I needed to do this while I still could.

"Bye Ben!" I said and walked away from my first boyfriend and a guy that I might have been able to love. A tear fall down my cheek and then another…

*

I walked back to the hallway and the girls' bathroom to clean up before I went home. When I walked into the hallway I almost stopped. There was only one person there, Ricky. I didn't know what to say to him or how I was suppose to act. He didn't know that I might be pregnant and that he was the father.

"Amy" he said as he saw me coming in sad and alone. "Are you ok?" he asked after seeing my tears.

"No" I said "I just broke up with Ben" I continued walking slowly down the hallway.

"What did he do?" He asked.

"Nothing. I just think it's best that we stay friends" I said and tried to stop the tears from running. "It's not a good time for me to have boyfriend in my life right now."

"I'm sorry. I guess" he said "Is there anything I can do?" he looked so sweet and seemed honest.

"No" I said and shook my head. "I'm just gonna go home and spend the evening in front of the TV and forget about my problems" I said and laughed a little laugh that was my first that day. "I think this day might be one of the worst ever in my life" I admitted.

"Let me drive you home" Ricky offered. He had done it twice after the first time and I was starting to found him ok but I didn't know if I could manage a drive with him home today.

"Come on" he said and put his arm around my shoulders and not giving me a choice. I liked the feeling of his warm arm around me, I knew it was wrong to think that since I just broke up with Ben but it was hard not to.

On the way home Ricky talked about the upcoming concert that our school would arrange that we both were suppose to be in. He seemed excited and he told me that his foster parents might try to come as well. He now knew were my house was and I didn't have to show him the way I just sat there staring out the window thinking about Ben and about me being pregnant.

"Well, here we are" Ricky said incase I hadn't noticed it.

"I guess we are" I said and I forced myself to smile.

"Amy I just want you to know that I'm here if you need to talk or anything?" Ricky said shyly.

"Thanks" I said. I didn't know if it was just talk or if he truly meant it but something told me that he did.

"I like to think that we're friends" Ricky said "And after all that happened between us this summer I'm glad that we are still friends"

"Well, we weren't exactly friends before" I said and smiled.

"I know but I hope that we can forget about what happened and just start over, fresh" Ricky admitted.

"You don't know how much I want that as well" I said and knew that Ricky didn't know to what I was referring to.

Ricky reached over for my hand and grabbed it and then squeezed it and I squeezed his back.

"I should go" I said and let go of his grip. "I'll see you around" I said and then walked out of the car and I could hear Ricky saying good bye. I didn't know if what just had happen was a good or a bad thing. There was so much going on right now and I didn't know what to think or feel about lot stuff in my life right now. I knew that I had a lot of things to figure out before I could take the next step in my life because right now I didn't know what the next step was.

*

"Amy, could you get in here for a sec?" Ashley called quiet from her room as I walked passed it. We had just suffered through another dinner with mum and things hadn't gotten any easier on that area yet. It felt like my whole family was falling apart and there was no one there to keep it together.

"What is it?" I asked and stepped inside her room.

"Close the door" I did as she ordered me to do and I kept wondering what was going on.

"What are you up to?" I asked. She gave me a brown little bag and I opened it. Inside of it was a pregnancy test.

"I bought that for you" she said "So we know for sure"

I didn't know how to react. Should I be angry at her or should I be grateful for the fact that she had done something I would never dare to do. I looked at her with panicked eyes. The truth was I was scared to know for sure. To have it all confirmed because I already knew what the test would show.

"Are you Ok?" Ashley asked.

"I don't know" I said and looked over at her instead of the pregnancy test. "I guess I'm a little nervous"

"It's ok to be nervous" Ashley put her arm around me. "But we both know that you have to take it" I knew she was right but it didn't help me right now.

"I know I have to do it" I said feeling a tear fall down my cheek.

"I'll be right there with you "She offered

"Promise?" I asked.

"Promise" she said "But let's do it before mum get's suspicious"

I nodded and gave her a hug. I could do this and I had to do it.

*

It is weird how something define as positive can be so negative for someone. How something that for some people can be described as the happiest moment in their life while for someone that moment can be described as life ending. How something that should fill you up with happiness instead makes you feel empty and cold. It's weird how something like this happens t me.

I looked down at the positive pregnancy test while holding it steady in my hands. I could feel tears running down my cheeks making them wet. Ashley was holding her arms around me and hushing comforting

"It's gonna be ok" and "You can do this" But I wasn't sure I could do this? I didn't even know what this was?

"I don't" I said and sat down on the edge of the bathtub. "What am I going to do?" I asked her hoping that she had more answers than I had.

"I can't tell you what to do" Ashley said "But I can tell you that you have some options"

"You mean like abortion or giving the baby up?" I said and dried my tears with the back of my hand.

"Look this is all up to you" Ashley said "But I think you should tell mum" There was one thing I was sure about and that was the fact that I could not tell my mum about this or my dad. They would kick me out of the house or make me do something against my will. No, I had to have a plan before I told them.

"No" I said determinedly "I won't tell them and neither are you" I looked over at Ashley.

"She's gonna know when see she's that you have growing belly" Ashley said with a bit of humor in it.

"Then I'm just going to have to hide my belly from her" I said it like it was the simplest thing possible.

"Are you gone hide it when you're in school too, because I'm sure people will start to wonder there too. I mean it is high school and people talk" I hadn't thought about school at all. I hadn't thought about that kind of stuff, I had only thought about the fact that I'm pregnant and that I couldn't see Ben anymore.

"You have to tell the father at least?" Ashley pointed out.

"I can't tell him" I said thinking about the way Ricky would react if he knew "he isn't exactly the type of guy that would…. I don't" I said still trying to cope with everything.

"Do you have any contact with him?" Ashley asked me since she didn't know it was Ricky and that I still talked to him.

"Some" I said not wanting to say anything else about it. I couldn't think about Ricky right now and I knew that someday he would know about this.

"We should get out of here before mum catches us and starts to ask question" Ashley said and looked at me "Don't worry everything's gonna be alright, you'll see"

"Thanks" I said "You go and I'll be out in a minute" Ashley nodded slightly and walked out of the bathroom.

I took a deep sigh and let a couple of more tears fall and then I got up and acted like everything was normal so my mum wouldn't suspect anything. No one knew except for me and Ashley and I hoped that it would stay that way until I was ready for anyone else to know.