Title- Missing: One Hellmouth
Author- Me(Amber)
Pairings- B/S(later in the story), W/T, X/A, and D/V(if I feel like writing Veronica in)
Spoilers- None(AU)
Rated- R, for language(Jay's back, with a naughty magazine)
Disclaimer- I own nothing, Joss owns Buffy, Kevin Smith owns the Askewniverse, James Cameron owns Titanic, Hugh Hefner owns Playboy, some cable network owns MTV, another network owns Baywatch, then some more big companies own Speedos, Snapple, and Harley Davidsons. All I own is my twisted ideas, and my even more twisted brain(you don't want either, trust me)
Distribution- Not that anybody would actually want this piece of... but if you do, ask me first, and don't forget to tell me where it goes(but please don't put it in the "This is how you shouldn't write fic" section, even though it pretty much belongs there)
Feedback- I love the stuff, but I'm getting a deficiency, from my severe lack of it(hint hint... bloody hint here, take it, don't make me hint again)
Author's Note- This chapter's more BtVS-oriented, but having seen Clerks, Mallrats, or Dogma would help in understanding Jay and Silent Bob(then again, nobody could ever understand Jay, I doubt even Kevin Smith himself does fully)
Author's Note 2- Sorry 'bout the Latin, it's the only phrase I know
Dedications- To Bu, my soon-to-be new Beta, to Jessa, my old Beta(who cleaned up this chapter, as well as the other three), to Debsie, one of the coolest people I know, and to all my buds in the Buffy room at Yahoo, cuz, well, just cuz
Summery- the Hellmouth gets moved, the Scoobies gotta stop some big bad evil from opening it up, thus negating all existence(quoted Dogma there, sorry)

Chapter Four

The Scoobies had only been in Jersey for a week but in that time they had killed at least twenty assorted demons and had dusted fifty-nine vampires. Dante and Randal were helping a lot and even Jay and Silent Bob were pitching in.
But each day the clouds became darker, and Buffy became more agitated. The Scoobies still couldn't figure out the 'why's' and 'how's' of the Hellmouth being moved.
"Jeeze!" Buffy said after killing yet another demon. "It's getting so where it's like the demon Mardi Gras here. Did New Jersey become party central and MTV just forgot to mention it?" Buffy sat herself down on a park bench. Willow and Tara settled down next to her and Spike opted for standing, trying to keep a cool demeanor.
Willow looked at her watch. "It's almost time to meet the others, we'd better get going."
"I'll go as soon as my feet stop screaming. Okay, new rule: Never go slaying in new shoes. Damn it, I could probably use a nice, looooooong bubble bath to just soak everything. We got any bubble bath stuff left?" Buffy started a conversation with Willow and Tara, almost forgetting that Spike was standing right there. And Spike preferred it that way. If Buffy wasn't paying attention to him he could stare at her without getting smacked in the face. At this point, he'd all but given up trying to suppress those thoughts. He had a crush on Buffy, he'd accepted it, mostly because he just thought he was lonely after Dru's departure and that Buffy was an easy substitute. Well, that's what he told himself, at least.
"Spike, hello? You in there?" Buffy snapped her fingers in Spike's face. "Wake up!" she practically screamed in his face and watched as Spike jumped at her voice. 'Woke him up at least' Buffy thought, smiling.
Spike shook his head, amazed that he had been so lost in thought. "Buffy, you're just amazing, you know that? Your company is so exciting, that I almost fell asleep on my feet." Spike didn't know why he kept insulting her. If he wanted her he should be nice, but Buffy always brought out the insult-y part of him.
Buffy rolled her eyes at him in annoyance. "Bite me. Oh wait, I forgot, you can't! Poor baby." She then proceeded to stick her tongue out at him in what wasn't the most mature moment of her life. 'Why the hell does Spike always make me act all of five years old around him?' Buffy asked herself. 'Cuz he's cute.' Her mind butted in, before Buffy could stop it. 'And why the hell does he always have to make me think thoughts I really know I shouldn't be thinking?' Shaking the jumbled thoughts out of her head she started walking towards the center of the park, where the group was supposed to meet Giles, Xander, Dante and Randal.
Meeting up with the others Buffy attempted to make small talk, desperately trying to forget her earlier obvious lapse in sanity. "So, how goes things? All still wild on the slaying front?" She bit back the giggle that wanted to come forth and make her sound like a little girl.
Giles started talking, not noticing Buffy's inner struggle. "Well, we dusted three vampires and killed a Krace demon. All in all, kinda slow, considering the sudden boom in demonic activity. We really need to start looking in my books. . ." He was cut off by a lone vamp suddenly attacking their huddle. He was a new one, no more than a few weeks old and Buffy had it pinned beneath her with stake hand ready in less than a minute.
"Do you guys come out of the earth lacking brain cells or something?" Buffy asked, taking out all her confusion on this vamp through insults. "I mean, big group of people." She pointed to everybody, then continued. "A group that includes a slayer. Then one little bitty newbie vamp, unarmed, and obviously very stupid. See where this is going? The end involves a you-shaped pile of dust." She readied her stake.
The vamp spat on Buffy, then snarled out some words. "The Hellmouth's gonna open and you're the one who's gonna be dust, Slayer." The vamp started laughing maniacally and Buffy staked him without pause. Getting up she wiped the dust off her pants and the spit off her shirt.
"Well, at least now we know the 'why'. Somebody felt like having a grand opening celebration for the Hellmouth. Tomorrow, we research." Buffy addressed the group, then started walking towards the Quick Stop where they would gather their things and head home, or in the Scoobies' case, to their hotel rooms. Everyone followed her, talking about the latest attempt at opening the Hellmouth.
"I've seen that a lot of times now and it's still disturbing," Dante whispered to Spike. "How do you people put up with it?"
"Think that's bad? You shoulda seen this one monster we went up against. The bloody thing exploded green innards all over us. And then there was this one. . ." Spike continued to recount stories of the most disgusting things slayed, all the way to the Quick Stop. By the time they got there, Dante looked a sort of green color and was feeling kind of sick.

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Gara threw some herbs in the air and chanted more words that Aimee could ever, with her tiny mind, understand. "Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes!" Gara uttered in a low, even tone. She was about to start the chant over when Aimee interrupted.
"Whatcha doing?" She asked, her whiny voice grating on Gara's nerves like nothing ever had.
"What the hell does it look like I'm doing? Planting quaint little rose bushes? Why do you always question the obvious? I'm in the middle of a very important part of the spell. It involves a lot of words you could never hope to understand, many spell ingredients that are very hard to find and an immense amount of concentration on my part. So unless you feel like living out the rest of your soon-to-be-short-life as a mushroom, growing on a tree in the woods, I suggest you leave immediately." She growled at Aimee to make her point as clear as possible.
Aimee got it through her head faster than usual. "Okay Gara. Umm. . . It's lunch time anyway. So you can just stay here and talk to your leaves and powders. I'm outtie." With that she scrambled out of the room as fast as her long legs could carry her. Gara rolled her eyes and turned back to the job at hand as she continued to throw her herbs and potions into the Circle Of Darkness. Powders, leaves, and twigs fluttered all around, never leaving the circle.
After completing the ritual, Gara sighed and started grumbling about Aimee under her breath. Suddenly, a vision hit her. She screamed, hit the floor on her knees, then started cursing. "Damn it all!" she screamed.
Aimee, unable to curb her curiosity, rushed into the room. "What's the matter Gara? Did the leaves wilt?" She asked. She smacked her head out of stupidity. "Wait, duh! You had a vision, right?"
"Yes, I had a vision. The slayer has found out about my plan. A stupid vampire told her." Gara replied.
Aimee looked shocked. "The slayer knows? Does that mean we have to quit here and start all over again somewhere else? Cuz I hear Paris is lovely this time of year. . ." Gara interrupted her.
"No, it does not mean we have to start over! It just means that we will have to be very careful. It is too late for the slayer to stop it now." She grinned an evil, bad-guy grin. "We will succeed, I promise you that."
"Darn, and I wanted to go to Paris." Aimee pouted but left the room again.
"We will succeed, then I will shove a steel beam through your dense head." She articulated in a low voice to Aimee's back. Then she smiled again at the image of a large steel beam protruding from the back of Aimee's yappity brain.

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"I swear those clouds are mocking us! As the situation gets darker, so do they. See? Clouds don't get greenish-black all on their own." Buffy was getting very depressed and very paranoid because of their situation. It was the next morning and everybody was gathered at the Quick Stop reading Giles' books, Jay and Silent Bob included.
Actually, while the others were reading, Jay had a Playboy hidden in his book and Bob kept glancing over at it.
Buffy sighed and put her head down on the make-shift table they had put together. They had been reading since about eight o'clock, but they had still found nothing. Her mind started to wander, as did her eyes. They both wandered till they met on the subject of Spike. She had been staring at him two minutes before she even noticed.
'WHY!?' she screamed in her head. Buffy could not understand why she kept thinking of Spike. 'It's the pressure. Yeah, that's it, all the pressure of the latest apocalypse. It's making me go nutty, making me think Spike looks good. Well, he does look good.' She admitted to herself. 'But still, I'm not supposed to be thinking that. I mean, it's Spike. I hate him, despise him, loathe him, which means I shouldn't be picturing him in a Speedo, all Baywatch-like.' Shaking her head, Buffy tried to get rid of that image but it was only replaced by a new and no less sinful one.
This time he was wearing black leather and beckoning for her to come on a ride on his Harley. 'Go away!' She ordered her head in a mental whimper. But once again all that happened was a new image appeared. This time she was dressed like an old-fashioned silent movie star. Spike was shirtless and kissing her until she was gasping for breath. Finally giving up Buffy surrendered herself to the image.
It felt nice to kiss Spike. She knew she was going crazy but hey, with Spike there kissing her, crazy wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. She smiled at the thought.
Suddenly the sound of breaking glass brought her back to reality. She jumped up and looked around, Slayer senses tingling. But glancing around the room she finally noticed that all that had happened was Dawn dropped a Snapple bottle.
"Ooh, I'm so sorry! Lemme clean it up." Dawn grabbed the mop and bucket that Dante had been dragging out of the supplies closet and started mopping up the iced tea and glass.
Buffy, doing the big sister act, told Dawn to watch out for glass. Dawn replied by sticking out her tongue and saying "I'm not a kindergartner. I know to watch out for glass. Duh!" Dawn shook her head in annoyance at her sister, and resumed mopping.
Jay went back to his 'studies' and the others went back to theirs. Buffy continued with her Spike-oriented daydreams. She was in the middle of a new version of Titanic, with her as Rose, Spike as Jack and a new happy ending, when she heard someone call her name. Coming out of her daze, she replied with an almost-sleepy sounding "What?"
"I've only been calling your name for the past three minutes. Are you okay Buffy?" her Watcher asked with concern. She looked like she was about to keel over, right there.
"I'm okay, just a bit tired. Doing the super-slayer thing for the past week has kinda worn me out, is all." She partly lied. It was somewhat true because the extra slaying had been taking a toll on her energy.
"Maybe you should take a night off. In fact, maybe we should all take the night, get some rest." Giles suggested. Everybody agreed immediately, not wanting to pass up what was probably the last chance to rest before the whole Hellmouth thing was resolved.
Jay spoke up from the back of the store, the Playboy as close to forgotten as it could be around Jay. "I know of this great club. Fucking expensive to get in but it's got some great music and fucking cheap beer. They're having this huge fucking party tonight. Me and this tubby bitch were going anyway, you guys oughta come with. It'd be fucking cool." He and Silent Bob got up, Jay shoving the unpaid-for magazine in his coat, hoping no one noticed it, but not caring if they did. They started walking towards the door. Buffy stopped him.
"I need a serious break so I'm in." Quickly, she grabbed her coat as her mind started sorting through wardrobe options.
"We'll go too." Willow said, pointing over to Tara.
"I've never been to a big club." Tara added shyly, a smile on her face. Everybody was sick of reading the old, dusty books. Even Giles.
Spike shrugged his shoulders. "Might as well. Not like I had other plans or anything."
"How 'bout it An?" Xander turned and asked Anya. She nodded already imagining what she was going to wear.
"I'll go!" Dawn piped in.
"Over your dead body." Buffy butted in. "Clubs and my fourteen year old sister do not mix. Beer and my sister mix even worse. Wanna push your luck?" Buffy asked, playing the 'I'm the one in charge, so you'll listen to me or else' role.
"Can't say I didn't try, at least. You were so spacy earlier, I figured you'd let me." Dawn crossed her arms in anger and stomped out of the Quick Stop, having a miniature version of a temper tantrum.
"I'll stay and watch her." Giles volunteered. He had planned on staying in his room and doing nothing, anyway. "That way you can party without worrying too much."
"Thanks Giles!" Buffy said before turning to face the others and addressing them. "Okay, break now. We meet back here tomorrow, about eight-ish. No demon-y stuff till that time tomorrow, kay? Good. I'm going to take a really long bath so nobody bother me." She walked out of the door, the other Scoobies following. "Party time. Party-style Buffy gets to go clubbing. Yay me!" Buffy said to herself. "Fun time party stuff ahead." 'And maybe a stop to my almost-naked Spike fantasies.' She added silently. Tonight would definitely be interesting, she was sure of that.

TBC.............................................