A/N: I really want to thank everyone who has faved, followed and reviewed! I forgot to mention that before. You all know who you are... Some of you have some interesting theories... hmmm... And Yes, I was inspired a little by James Patterson and a few other popular writers that dot the drugstore bookshelves. But the seed of this story came from the thought about all the MerDer stories out there where Derek leaves and Meredith has to raise her kids, and then he shows up again...

I was like... what if Meredith left and came back? What would be the reason?

Thus this story was born...

Enjoy!

Meredith stood at the threshold of their bedroom. There was the post-it, and the spinal tumor. It was pretty much the same, except for a few slight differences. A different bedspread, different books. The night stand was different. She walked to the closet, expecting to grab some of Derek's clothes to change into, but finding that her clothes were all still there. She breathed a relieved sigh and picked out some plaid pajamas and a towel.

When she opened the bathroom door, she decided to forgo the shower and take a bath. It had been a long time since she'd had a bath. Her body was tired and achy from sitting in a cramped bus for days. Her shampoo and conditioner was still there, as was her purple loofah. She laughed when she saw the little rubber ducky on the side of the tub. Then she tried to hold back her tears. She'd given Bailey a bath before she left. They'd played with the rubber ducky.

Dammit.

But she couldn't dwell on the past. She had to put it behind her. No one could know. Lives were at stake. One life in particular. And after what happened to Derek... After what they did to him... she knew they meant business.

When the water steamed she tested the temperature with her toe. It was perfect. She slipped in and slid down, down, down. The water embraced her, warming her. She massaged herself with the loofah, and tried to package her guilt away into that little box in her head. She was home. She should be happy about that. She needed to be happy about that. It had been an awful trade off that she'd made to get here, but this was the only way. Her children needed her. Derek needed her.

That other part of herself that she left behind? She'd deal with that later, when the dust settled. She would come up with a plan. For now, no one could know. Not even Derek. If it meant that she'd be a pariah...well so be it.

Just thinking about it now however, caused her to wrap her arms protectively around her abdomen, her pinky grazing her C-section scar. This time she couldn't stop the tears.

Time passed. Meredith sighed and stepped out of the tub. She reached down and pulled the plug, mesmerized as she watched the soapy water spiral down the drain. It was symbolic or something... The last two years-could she put it behind her? Would they let her? Would Derek let her?

She'd left him. He'd been hurt, broken and she couldn't be there for him.

Wiping the moisture off her face with the towel, Meredith stared at herself in the mirror. God, she looked so old... How did that happen? She was only a few years shy of forty. Her hair was too dark, she'd dyed it a week ago and now she regretted it. It was a stupid impulsive thing because she thought she was being followed... But what did it matter? If they wanted to do something, they would've already. It wasnt like they didn't know where she lived.

Toweled off and dry, wearing her PJ's, Meredith entered the bedroom once more, not surprised to find Derek sitting on the bed, changed into the comfortable sweats he liked to wear around the house. "Hi," she said awkwardly.

"Hi," he said, with that smile she missed so much.

She sat down on the corner of the bed and scrunched the blanket under her fingers. The urge to kiss him... To connect, feel him in her was overwhelming, but she didn't know how he felt about her right now, so she turned away.

"Meredith..." Derek spoke softly, reverently.

"I don't know what else to tell you."

The mattress moved, the covers rustled. "You don't have to say anything..." he whispered, and he was right behind her. She felt his breath on her neck. A breathy sigh escaped her lips as he kissed under her ear. She shuddered. Oh god, she wanted him.

When he kissed her again, she turned her body and took him on the lips. They languished there, and this time she wasn't afraid anymore. He'd accepted her. She shifted and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer.

"Mmm," he hummed, which only spurned her on. She straddled him, her hands splaying against his chest. She missed him so much. She missed his love. His body, his strength.

His nipples hardened under the t-shirt as she caressed him and they were both sighing in pleasure at the full engagement of all senses. Derek's calloused hands inched their way under her top, up her sides, his fingers spread along her back, and then his thumbs...

"Oh," she moaned.

"I missed you." Derek said, pulling her top off.

"Missed you too," she replied, kissing the corner between his jaw and his neck. The exposed skin of her upper body prickled against the cool air. Her hands slipped under his shirt as she returned the favor. She wanted to feel his warmth against her. Skin on skin. Rocking against him, she pulled his shirt off and pushed him down on the bed.

She gazed into his deep blue eyes, the ones she saw every night in her dreams, and her longing only intensified. Her hands ran over the soft skin of his abdomen and she looked down to admire his-Scars? She stopped. In her mind she saw the truck smash into Derek's porche. She imagined him gasping in terror, arms flying up to protect himself. IV's, chest tubes, scalpels. The thoracotomy scar was long and jagged. A trauma wound. There was another, smaller scar where they removed his spleen most likely. She closed her eyes.

"Meredith?" Derek's voice pulled her back. She blinked and tried to lose herself in those eyes, but couldn't. Her brain was flooding her with traumatic images. "It's okay." He kissed her hand, "They're just scars. I'm here. I'm okay."

For a brief moment, she considered continuing their lovemaking, but she couldn't anymore. The guilt was crushing her. She'd been so stupid. Why didn't she trust him? Why didn't she stay in Seattle and trust that he'd come back to her? If she had stayed here, none of this would have happened. But she saw horses, and her heart was breaking, and she had to tell him... that she needed him and-

"It's not your fault," Derek said. "You weren't driving the truck." He pulled her into a hug as she tried not to cry. He shifted on the bed until they were side by side facing each other. "We're together now, that's all that matters." he brushed a stray bit of hair out of her eyes.

She regarded him carefully and knew he didn't blame her. At least not now. But she couldn't look at those scars, so she turned away, her back pressing against his chest. "Can you just... hold me?" she asked, taking his hand in hers and pulling it against her.

Derek shifted so his body was flush with hers. Warmth emanated from him, seeping into her. He sighed, and his stubbled chin scraped against her bare shoulder. "Mer, I want to do more than hold you."

"I-"

His burgeoning erection pressed against her back. "Please," he said, kissing her shoulder.

Her breath caught in her throat. This was unexpected. She wasn't sure if she deserved being loved in this way. She wanted to make him feel better, not the other way around. But before she could protest, he was kissing her. Stroking her, caressing her. His touch? Sensual flames all over.

His thumb grazed her nipple, and his fingernail traced a line down her abdomen to her sensitive vee. She ground against him, the only way she could give back, and her core lit with heat. "Derek," she said, pleading.

"Hm, not yet," he said, rocking with her, his fingers dipping in and out, in and out.

"Oh..." she brought his other hand up to caress her breast, at the same time, kissing his cheek. She felt herself flush as his touch ravished her. His erection grew behind her, and he pulled her pants down. She squirmed and pulled her leg up so he could enter her.

He entered slowly as she was tight around him. It had been a long time. Tears came to her eyes, God she missed him...

It was the strangest, most loving sex she'd ever had. They climaxed slowly, a long crescendo. They released only seconds apart, panting softly.

Afterwards, Derek hovered over her, propped up on his elbow as he gazed at her. "Mer..." his eyes were hidden by dark bangs. "Don't leave me."

She turned into him, pressed against his scarred chest, "I won't. I love you too much."

"Mm," he kissed her ear, her jaw, her shoulder..."I love you too."

She fell asleep in his arms, feeling safe for the first time since they were separated.

xxx

When she woke up, he was staring at her. For once she didn't mind. Soft white sunlight streamed in through their huge window, bringing a lightness to her world that she missed. There was one thing she didn't miss. The nightmares. Was this heaven? Not quite, but close enough. Maybe in a little while.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," she replied, and couldn't help the smile that stretched across her lips. Home. Finally.

He pecked her on the forehead and sighed happily.

"You're watching me sleep?" Meredith asked.

"I'm trying to convince myself this is real."

She reached over, took his hand in hers, brushed her fingers on his palm. "Feel that?" She asked.

"Mm," he rumbled.

She kissed him on the lips, pulled away a little. "And that?" she asked.

"Mm, yes." Derek said, stroking her arm.

"Me too."

"This is real?"

"This is real."

Derek returned her kiss. "Good," he replied. "I took the next couple days off... we're going to need some time."

Meredith nodded. Time. Right. This was real. Really really real. "I want to see my kids." She realized she sounded possesive with the 'my' but- it had been so long.

"I know... I was just going to call Amelia, but I-" he shrugged, and his brows furrowed. "Do I tell her... you're back? What do I-? I don't know what to say..."

Unlike him, she'd had time to think about what to do. "Give it a day?" she said, "or two?" Honestly, she didn't want anyone to know she was back... The happy bubble she'd been in in the last twelve or so hours would be popped because she'd have to answer questions she couldn't answer. She'd have to lie.

Derek stared at her, concerned as he came to the same realization. "Meredith..."

She sat up in bed and leaned against the headboard. "Derek, no one can know what I told you... you understand? They can't know... because they'll ask questions, questions I'm not allowed to answer."

"Who are these people? Why can't you explain to them that-"

"These 'people' almost killed you, Derek. And they forced me to work for them, against my oath as a doctor, against my own principles. The things I did... what I saw... No one can know. Not even you."

"Then why did they let you go?" Of course he had to ask the obvious question.

She wished she could tell him, but if she did, the cat would be out of the bag, and there would be dire consequences. In the end, she'd been faced with a terrible choice, one no one should have to make. It was the only way she could get back to Derek. To her kids. To her life, or remnants of.

It was that, or them possibly killing her or forcing her to live in seclusion.

"I made a deal." A half lie. "I gave them something they could use against me." A vague truth.

"What did you give them?" he asked.

Everything she had, but she planned to get it back. "I can't tell you."

Derek sighed and ran his fingers through his thick hair, his frustration evident. "Meredith..."

She found herself seething. Couldn't he just let it go already? "I can't tell you, Derek. I just can't. If I tell you..." she swallowed, and forced herself to say the next few sentences. She was hurting him. She never wanted to hurt him. But he had to know the consequences. "I'll have to leave. And I don't know if I'll be able to come back. Please..." she begged, "Please don't make me..."

He looked like a slapped puppy. Broken and confused. She knew he didn't get it. He would never understand. But he didn't have to understand. He just had to accept. Accept and move on.

"You said you wouldn't leave," he said.

She did, she did say that. But- "You said I didn't have to say anything." Meredith replied.

She rubbed the bridge of her nose, there it was, the line. She hoped she wouldn't have to draw it out for him. She would stay as long as she didn't have to say anything.

He rolled off the bed, picked up his t-shirt from the floor by his feet and stood up. "I'm going to pick up the kids. You stay here, get dressed. We'll all have breakfast together." He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes, didn't light up his face. " I won't tell Amelia." He pulled open a drawer and withdrew jeans and a worn T-shirt. Then he entered the bathroom and closed the door, cutting himself off from her.

Alone in the bed, Meredith stared at the closed bathroom door. Breathing heavily, she forced her feelings back into that box. She was a horrible person. She knew that. But of all the choices laid before her, the one she'd made, the sacrifice she'd made... seemed like the best option at the time. For everyone's sake. One day she hoped to make it right. One day she hoped she could tell him without the threat of death. One day...

She hoped they would make it to that point.

A/N: I wonder what your theories are... hmmm Please review!

Also To my faithful fans... I will be taking a little break from my writing as of Mar. 4 2017. My updates will be a little farther apart for all my stories. I just need to spend some time getting my life together. Family, work, and my own personal growth need a little time, so please bear with me. If you want to know when a story will be updated or something, please just send me a PM or leave a review, and I will respond. I'm not exactly going on Hiatus, just prioritizing my writing last.

Thank you for understanding!