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4.

Self-Destructive

It wouldn't stop vibrating.

Rae lay on her bed, frozen in misery and fear, the lights out, the minutes on the clock slowly ticking away. She stared through the darkness, listening as her phone vibrated from her desk. He, her ex-boyfriend, the man she didn't have the strength to face, was calling. He was texting. He was beyond determined to get her to speak to him. But she couldn't move to turn her phone off to silence the never ending vibrations. If she touched the phone, she was libel to read the texts he sent her, she was libel to answer the phone and listen to him talk.

She rolled over, her back to the desk as she closed her eyes and tried to force herself to fall asleep. Don't think about anything, she pleaded with herself. Forget how to listen, concentrate on silence, don't think about anything.

But, she thought about how she had managed to finish her homework at 1:00am despite the fact her ex had been non-stop calling and texting her. She had placed the phone in a drawer in her desk, but she could still hear it vibrating long after she had gone to bed. Didn't he have to sleep? Wouldn't he grow tired of trying to reach her? Wouldn't he eventually realize that she wasn't going to answer? Wouldn't he ever give up? His determination terrified her.

Rae wasn't able to focus on sleeping until around 3:30am, when the vibrations finally began to subside. She could close her eyes, she could relax, she could finally sleep. But her mind didn't stop thinking, not even after she fell asleep.

She dreamt of the man who broke her heart. She was at her college, sitting in her car. She saw Micah getting out of the car next to her. Her heart went out to him and she fumbled to get out of her car. The door was locked and she couldn't get it to unlock. "Micah!" she cried out in a desperate attempt to make him hear her. He didn't turn around as he began to walk away from her. Panicked, Rae managed to get the door to the car open and she fell out onto the pavement, feeling like she had spilled her body all over the place.

On her hands and knees she screamed again, "Micah!" He still didn't turn around. She tried to scramble to her feet, but her legs didn't work, she couldn't run after him and he was getting away. "Micah!" she cried again as loud as she possibly could, too afraid to watch him leave, too afraid to let him go. He turned and saw her, but he didn't he come running to help her back up on her feet. He didn't come running to save her. He looked at her for a moment before turning and walking away.

Rae awoke with a gasp when her alarm went off at 9:00 the next morning. She sat up and shut off the screaming mechanical monster that was perched by her bedside before glancing around the room, trying to grasp what was going on. As she hugged her knees to her chest, it occurred to her that she had just woken up, that nothing had changed, that her heart felt worse than ever.

She didn't care as she tumbled out of her bed and went over to her desk where she sat and yanked open the drawer where she had concealed her phone. She had 36 missed calls from Micah. She had about five unread texts from him.

I just want to talk Rae.
I'm sorry, baby.
Talk to me, please.
I messed up, but please let me talk to you.
I miss you, Ra-Ra.

Without thinking, she dialed a number. She couldn't control herself anymore, there was no more abstaining from spilling her heart out to a person she loved. She waited as the phone rang before someone on the other end picked up. "Hello?"

"Mom," she said, trying to maintain her composure, but saying that one word made her break down. She couldn't hold back the anguished sobs any longer. "Mom," she breathed, feeling like she would die.

"Oh Rae," her mother said, "Baby, what's wrong?"

Rae had to let out a few more sobs before she could finally say, "I left Micah."

"Oh honey," her mother cooed, "What happened?"

"I caught him in bed with another woman about a week ago," Rae confessed in a sob, "So I left and I haven't gone back, but last night he started texting and calling me and—

"Deep breaths, honey. Slow down, I promise you everything is going to be okay."

"It doesn't feel like that mom. I hurt everywhere, I feel like I have a giant hole in my chest—

"Listen to me Rae, broken hearts take a long time to heal, they don't heal overnight. It's going to be months, maybe years before you feel like your old self again."

"Old self," Rae repeated angrily, "I didn't know myself until I met Micah."

"I promise you that you're not always going to feel like this. Where are you staying?"

"With friends."

"Are you still working and going to school?"

"Yes."

"You're going to meet someone better, Rae. Have you talked to Micah at all?"

"No."

"Good, try to keep from talking to him until you are ready. I know that at some point you're going to want closure, but right now is not the time to be getting it, okay? And don't go looking to other men to fix your broken heart either. You don't want a rebound relationship because you'll only end up hurting the other guy. Despite what terrible creatures men are, we still have to remember they are human beings too."

"Mom, I don't want to start all over with someone else. Micah, he was perfect for me…I'll never love another man like I loved him—

"Give it time, dear. That's all you can do. Don't think about having to begin again. Just concentrate on finding something that makes you happy again that doesn't involve dating."

"Mom, I want to stop hurting," she cried.

"Rae, you know if I could take your pain away then I would. If you want to come home then my door is always open—

"No," Rae said.

Her mother sighed before saying, "Baby, try to remember that no matter how hard you think you have it and no matter how terrible you feel, there's always somebody out there that has it worse that you do. There's somebody out there that feels worse, but the world hasn't stopped for any of us, no matter how broken our heart is. You have to keep going, you have to find the strength to keep pushing through, you have to keep smiling and laughing even if it hurts."

Rae knew that the world didn't stop turning for a broken heart. She had known that despite the fact that she had never had her heart broken like this until now.

"Are you going to be okay, sweetheart?"

"I'll try to be," Rae said, managing to wipe away a few tears.

"Give me a call if you need to, you know I'm always available for you."

"Thanks mom. I love you."

"I love you too, sweetie. Things will get better, I promise."

"Thanks," she said again.

"And Rae…"

"Yeah mom?"

"If you need to, get your phone number changed so that Micah can't get a hold of you anymore."

"Okay mom," Rae said, but she didn't want to change her phone number. It was too much. She still couldn't fathom losing Micah from her life permanently.

"I'll talk to you later, sweetheart."

"Bye mom," Rae replied as she hung up. She sighed heavily and set her phone down as she wiped away the remaining tears. She took a deep breath, trying to squish away the anxious feelings that were welling up inside her stomach. She knew that it might take a million more deep breaths, a million more tears, and a million more sleepless nights in order to make it through this heartbreak, but she was determined to do it. She would do as her mother said; she would keep laughing and keep smiling even if it hurt more than anything in the world. The world hadn't stopped because her heart was broken, so neither could she.

Putting on the best brave face she possibly could, she grabbed some clothes and went inside the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day.

Jetfire couldn't figure Rae out.

There was that terrifying look in her eyes. There were her random outbursts of tears. She slept with a guy she didn't even know because she had nowhere else to go, and the very thought of that angered him so much he drove his fist into the wall. He knew with every single fiber of his being that no one should ever feel that helpless.

He sat in his quarters, contemplating what possibly could be bothering Rae and just what he could to do to make her happy again. According to Hotshot, there was a guy named Micah involved. There was another female. Wheeljack also apparently knew way more than what he did. But none of that explained why Rae didn't have a place to live. None of that explained the look in her eyes, none of that explained why she was so depressed.

Somehow he had to get her to open up to him, to trust him enough to talk to him. Saving her life from Wheeljack twice had not been enough. He would have to try a different approach since no matter how much he helped her, Jetfire knew none of that would be enough. He sighed heavily. He wished that he could stop worrying about her; he wished that he could get her off his mind; he wished he didn't want to know what was upsetting her.

If he had never met her, then…

Jetfire shook his head. He knew that was a terribly selfish and mean thing to think. There must have been a reason that they met, there must have been some sort of lesson to be learned somewhere. Optimus must've apparently seen it if he had assigned him to be Rae's guardian. There was just something about her that compelled him to get closer to her, something other than just wanting to know what was wrong with her.

There was something about her that he wanted to rescue…

After her shower, Rae listened to every voicemail Micah left for her. Tears streamed down her face as she listened to him apologize over and over again, he begged for forgiveness, he pleaded for her to come home, he told her much he missed her and loved her still, Rae had to set the phone down as she felt her heart break all over again. She felt like throwing up, she felt like throwing herself at Micah and never letting him go, she felt like shooting him at the same time.

There was a knock at the door.

Surprised, Rae let out a small gasp before she quickly tried to compose herself. She ran in the bathroom and checked herself in the mirror. It was quite obvious that she had been crying. She desperately dried her face and tried to convince herself not to throw up as she went over to the door and answered it, only to see that Jetfire was there once again. He noticed that she was wiping her eyes and paused for a moment before saying, "Looks like I came at a bad time. Is everything alright?"

"I wish I could lie and say yes," Rae replied, looking away from him, "I was up half of the night because my phone kept going off, but I didn't want to turn it off. Then I had a bad dream. Where's Caliburst?"

Jetfire blinked. "I do believe that's the most you've ever said at once," he said, "And Caliburst should be on his way here to pick you up and take you to school."

"Okay," she stated, looking back to him. She hesitated before saying, "I'm normally not out of my mind like this."

Jetfire hid a smile behind his facemask, feeling relieved that she was actually talking without being forced to. Maybe Optimus was right, maybe all she needed was a friend. But something still seemed to go deeper than that. "It's alright," he said, "We all go through rough times."

She gave him a condescending look that almost seemed to say that he couldn't possibly know what she was going through. However, the look quickly disappeared as she said, "Yeah, I've got some complicated issues that I need to figure out."

"You know," Jetfire said, sensing her change in attitude, "If you're up to it later, you should let me take you out."

"Out?"

"Yes," he said, wishing he could roll his optics, "Out."

"Where to?"

"Just to a place outside of the base that I think you'll like."

Rae looked him over before saying, "Alright. I could use the change in scenery."

"Really?" he asked, surprised that she agreed.

She nodded before saying, "Really."

"Alright then," Jetfire said, "I'll stop by here later."

"Okay, see you later then," she replied. She watched as he got up and walked away. She wasn't sure what it was about Jetfire, but she always felt better when he was around. Perhaps it was because he had saved her life. Perhaps it was because he was the only one that was trying to help her feel better.

It was around 8:30 that evening when Jetfire returned to Rae's room. Rae was ready though as he took her and lifted her onto his shoulder. He brought her outside the base and walked a small distance from the entrance before sitting down on a large rock face. As the Autobot set her down, Rae couldn't help but be blown away by the view that was before them. She felt like she could see all the way across the state of Nebraska, past her problems, past the misery that was gnawing at her soul.

"You mentioned something about liking to watch the sunset," Jetfire said.

She smiled as she glanced over at him before returning her gaze to the western horizon where then sun was sinking. "Yeah," she said, "I did."

He glanced down at her before asking, "So how was school?"

"Pointless," she said while waving her hand dismissively, "I don't learn anything by sitting in a classroom reading the textbooks the teachers wrote themselves and force us to read."

He smiled before asking, "How old are you again?"

"I'm 20," she replied, "I'm the age where people are telling me that I'm not a kid anymore and I need to start listening to them if I'm going to get anywhere in life."

"Oh, those years," Jetfire mused.

"They're exhilarating," she said without any enthusiasm, causing the Autobot second in command to chuckle. "I broke a law once," she confessed.

"Oh really?"

"I was charged with a misdemeanor; I ended up having to do ten hours of community service."

"What did you do?"

"It was for trespassing. There's this lookout tower not too far outside of my town back home. We had just graduated high school and my friends and I thought it would be perfectly fine to climb to the top of the lookout tower. The gate wasn't locked, so we went in…needless to say the cop that was patrolling the area noticed the gate was open and caught us. It was worth it though."

Jetfire shook his head, smiling. He was grateful that Rae was opening up to him and letting him get to know her. He decided that he would try and press his luck and see if he could get her to delve a little further into her life. "Where were you living before you met us?" he asked. He watched as she looked away from the sunset and down at the ground. He knew he had struck a nerve. He didn't expect her to answer and was just about to tell her to never mind the question when she opened her mouth to speak.

"I was living in an apartment with a roommate," she said slowly, "We got into a fight and I left."

"What was the fight about?"

"You're asking too many questions," she replied.

"Well, how come you won't tell anybody what's going on?" he persisted, "Why don't you want anyone to help you?"

"It's my burden to bear alone!" she yelled, venom in her voice and fire in her eyes, "Do you really want me to share my pain with you? Do you want a hole ripped through your chest too?"

Jetfire didn't know why he didn't guess it before, but now it was so painfully obvious that she had a broken heart. "Rae," he breathed.

"This is my life, Jetfire," she said as a sob threatened to break free from her throat, "All my dreams are gone. I understand that you want to help but there is nothing that you can do. I have to get through this on my own." And with that, she ran back into the base.

Jetfire sighed heavily as he angrily turned his gaze back towards the sunset. He waited a few minutes before getting up and returning to the base himself.

Optimus was slightly surprised when Jetfire suddenly burst into his office, clearly upset over something. He looked his deputy commander over before asking, "What's going on, Jetfire?"

"I do not want to be Rae's keeper anymore," the Autobot second in command replied.

"What happened?"

"I've gone out of my way to help her and just when I think I've gained her trust, what does she do? She flips out on me! If that's the respect I'm going to get for trying to help her—

"Calm down, Jetfire. Think about what she's going through."

"Sir, I have no idea what she's going through. She won't tell me."

"There's probably a reason for that."

Jetfire sighed heavily, releasing some of his anger before saying, "She said she doesn't want to share her pain with anyone. She's got a broken heart, but I don't know why."

"Tell me, if you were suffering, and if everyone else around you was happy, would you want to bother them with what was troubling you in fear of destroying their happiness?"

"I guess not," he said, relenting.

"Nobody wants to look weak to someone else," Optimus said, "You saved Rae's life on more than one occasion. To her, you're going to be too genuine of a person. She's not going to want to tell you anything because she isn't going to think its fair to you."

"So why are you making me try?"

"I'm not making you try to find out what's wrong. I simply asked you to be her guardian and to be her friend, to help her out when she needed it. When she's ready to talk to you, she will. Don't try to force anything. She needs time to see that you're there for her."

"You should be doing this, not me," Jetfire said.

"Well, you need to learn how should you ever have to take command of the Autobots one day."

"Yeah, well, if you ever die Optimus, I'm going to kill you."

Optimus laughed before saying, "You can't kill me if I'm already dead."

"I'll figure out a way," Jetfire said before he left Optimus' office.

Rae went back to her room and sat at her desk, sobbing. She had locked the door and she wasn't going to answer it for anyone in the world. She hadn't wanted to yell at Jetfire, but when he didn't stop asking questions, her body reacted before she could. On top of all the heartbreak, misery, helplessness, agony, and confusion, she was now bitterly angry.

She had lost everything. It had all happened in less than five minutes. If she hadn't ended her shift at work early and come home, she would still be back home with Micah, the man she still loved even though she desperately didn't want to anymore.

Blindly, she picked up a glass paperweight that was sitting on her desk and flung it across the room. She listened as it shattered against the far wall, just like her heart had. She threw paper, she threw pens and pencils, she threw books and folders, she threw whatever her hands could find until she finally didn't have the energy to throw anything else. She sat down in a heap on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest as she cried.

She didn't care how selfish she was as she begged the world to stop for her. She begged for it to stop rotating on its tilted axis and wait until she felt like she could at least breathe again without it hurting. "What did I do?" she pleaded to the silence of the room, "What did I do to make him hate me? What did I do to him to make him feel the need to hurt me like this?"

She waited, angrily and bitterly, for her tears to stop. She comforted herself by thinking of ways to drown her pain away. She thought about getting piercings and tattoos, knowing the pain of those would distract her from the pain in her heart. She shook her head, trying to get some kind of rationality to enter her mind. She couldn't let self-destructive thoughts plague her mind and take her over. But her will was weak and her pain was strong. Rae picked up her phone and dialed a friend.

"Hello?" said a male voice.

"Hey Shawn."

"Hey Rae, what's up?"

"Are you busy?" she asked.

"No, you want something hun?"

"If I met you at the liquor store and gave you some money, would you buy me some beer?" she asked.

"Sure thing," he said, "But, why don't you have Micah pick you up some beer like he usually does?"

"I left him."

"Oh," Shawn said, "I'll be sure to get you some hard stuff then. Meet you there in half an hour?"

"Okay," Rae said, "Thanks."

"No problem."

She listened as he hung up before she went off to find Caliburst.

"Here you go," Shawn said as he handed her a 12 pack of Bud Light Platinum, "Don't drink too much. I know you're a lightweight when it comes to this stuff. If you die of alcohol poisoning, I'll kill you."

She smirked as she strapped the beer down to Caliburst. "Don't worry," she said as she paid him the money that she owed him for the beer.

"If you want, you can come back to my place to drink. I'll be able to keep an eye on you so that you don't do anything stupid."

"I'm not drinking alone," Rae said, though it was a lie. She proceeded to thank him before getting on Caliburst and riding away.

When the taste of the beer bit her tongue, it was relieving.

Rae hated beer. She hated the way it tasted, she hated the way it smelled, but tonight, it was her best friend. She planned on drinking to the point where she couldn't feel the pain, to the point where she couldn't tell the difference between reality and illusion, to the point where she could sleep soundly without being haunted by painful dreams.

She drank one, then another, and another, and then threw up everything she had in her stomach. That didn't stop her from drinking a fourth and then a fifth before throwing up again. As she was retching, she heard a faint knock on the door. She didn't answer it though as she flushed the toilet and stumbled in a drunken stupor over to her bed. Maybe whoever was at the door would believe she was asleep.

"Go…away…I'm sssleeping," she slurred.

"Come on Rae, Caliburst said you went into town and someone bought you alcohol. I've looked up what alcohol does to the human body, and I also know that it's illegal for anyone under the age of 21 to consume alcohol, open the door."

She recognized the voice as Jetfire's. She felt anger grip her heart once again as she managed to crawl out of the bed and make her way over to the door, tripping and stumbling along the way. She fumbled with the door before she finally managed to get it to open. She looked up at Jetfire before saying, "What are you…going to do, take it…away from me? I'm already drunk."

He glared at her before asking, "What is your limit?"

"Two beersss."

"How many did you drink?"

"Five and maybe ssssixxx."

He sighed heavily before saying, "Caliburst, stay with her tonight. Make sure she goes to sleep and doesn't drink anymore."

The Minicon appeared from behind the Autobot second in command and approached Rae. "Cool, we're having a sssslumber party," she remarked.

Jetfire waited until the door closed before he got up and walked away. He sighed heavily, knowing that this couldn't keep happening. Rae was becoming a danger to herself. He knew he had to figure out what was wrong before she really did hurt herself, or worse…

He wasn't ready to give up on her yet.

The next chapter I feel will be long, but we'll see. Until then, please review!