AN: The song is "In the Name of Love" and it's by Mary Chapin Carpenter.
it's the
spell that can't be broken
it's your breath upon my neck
it's the words I long to tell you
but haven't yet
It's my first sleepless night since right after you left. The sun is coming up and I'm trying to hold on to the time I have left to consider this alone. In an hour or two they'll start rising and offer a pleasant break from all of this. That doesn't mean I'm not glad you're back. I hope that isn't the impression you have now. And it wasn't that I was surprised to see you tonight; on the contrary, I knew you'd be there, and I tried to think fo a thousand excuses not to go but somehow I couldn't even come up with one. Because I knew it would be the way it was. I knew I'd catch myself staring, wondering, trying to absorb everything new about you and trying to figure out if you had found what you were looking for away from here.
it's the need
to see you constantly
and the need to be alone
just to balance out what's left of me
and what's too far gone
You have changed, you know. You're much more confident, physically, more independent. It almost makes me sad. Not just that you're different now, but that you changed overnight, almost. I mean, a lot of things have changed around here, but somehow the distance between the night you left and the night of your return seems no longer than a few minutes or hours now. And part of me really wishes that I'd been around to witness the transformation from the old Jack into the new Jack instead of being forced to get to know this new person all over again.
but what if
the night complied
bringing you to my door?
what if I let you in?
isn't that what the night is for?
I could hardly speak to you tonight. I'm not even sure that I did. Maybe it was hard for you, too. I didn't really think about that at the time, but I've had plenty of time to consider it now. I wonder if anyone noticed that anything was different between us. I just wish that I could give you what you want. Saying it that way takes me out of it, doesn't it? Like I don't want what you want. Maybe it's easier that way because I haven't made up my mind about what I want yet. I know this entire thing hinges on the decision I make now. Oh, who am I kidding? Chances are you met some nice girl out there on the road who helped you forget all about the one you could never have at home. Good for you. That's the way it should be. Isn't it?
in the name
of love
there's nothing that I would not do
in the name of love
I'd lose myself to find you
You know, I was angry at you then and I'm not sure that I'm not angry at you now. I can't shake the idea that you took the coward's way out. Don't I wish I had the luxury of packing up and running away to find myself, or simply to forget about what I was leaving behind? I'm sure every unhappy person alive wishes for that opportunity. I guess you saw it and you took it and I shouldn't blame you for that, but it's hard not to place blame. I guess in a way it's better that you did. If you hadn't, who knows what might have eventually happened?
it's the
prayer I send up daily
for some courage and some pride
when your hand brushes my shoulder
and our eyes collide
It would be so easy to sleep soundly if I could just push this away, forget it, make like it never happened. And in a way, nothing ever did happen. If you hadn't written that letter the night you left, I wouldn't be sitting here now. I would have been able to assure myself two years ago that I meant nothing to you, and that is the way it really should be. But you did write it, and I kept it, and I kept it a secret from everyone, and I have pretended not to be overly concerned about your return when secretly I've been making a list of the questions I need to ask you before I can let this go forever.
it's the
smallest of seductions
and the quietest of lures
and I'm all at once an innocent
in the big, bad world
I need for you to tell me that you're over it. If you're over it, then my strange inclination to cling to some words scribbled on folded notebook paper would seem somehow pathetic, and it would be easier to let go and file this away in my memory as a simple mistaken impression. My obsession with finding out is starting to disturb me, but I'm not sure if I'm disturbed because it's slowly taking over my thoughts or if I'm disturbed about the implications of what I might find out. What if you're not over it? What do I do then? Can I really deny that once upon a time I felt it too? That in some small way, I still do?
what if the
night conspired
bringing you to my door?
why should I turn you away now?
I don't want to wait anymore
Oh, I need some sign from you tonight, right now, here in this moment before the sun comes up. I want to drive to your house and throw rocks at your window and ask you all these questions on my list. I want to go to bed and sleep for days and wake up with no memory of what once might have existed between us for such a brief moment that it's not even worth all of this now. I want to unfold your letter for the hundredth time this year and read it again, looking for some loophole, some sign that it doesn't say what I think it says. All I need is to believe that you don't feel anything like what I thought you did. Laugh at me. Lie to me. Just don't let it be true. Because if it's true, I don't have any idea where to go from there.
in the name
of love
there's nothing that I would not do
in the name of love
I'd lose myself to find you
I do know how to resolve this. First I have to find out. And then if it is true, I know what to do now. All I need is to get you alone and make you answer to this havoc you've wreaked by writing reckless letters and looking hurt when I couldn't acknowledge what you wrote two years after the fact. I'll write down my list. I'll be prepared. I just need to know. And if it is true, then this is my plan: what we should do is agree to spend only one night together. No one can ever know. And it will be a mutual acknowledgement, finally, of what we've never been able to admit. And then we will be able to relax around each other, and things can be the same as they were before. What do you think?
but when the
darkness fades
giving way to morning light
you will find me gone
to carry on the lonely fight
I never should have come up with an idea, because now it's scratching out from under my skin and I'm so restless I can't stand it. I thought it would ease my mind but it's just made me more anxious for morning to come so I can set my plan in motion. I want to scream at the sun to drag itself up, wake up the world, but the sky stubbornly remains dark. Okay, fine, I'll head upstairs and try again to sleep. Why not? My mind can race around in circles just as well lying down as sitting up.
Wait. What the hell is that tapping noise? It can't be coming from the door.
in the name
of love, there's nothing that I would not do
in the name of love, I'd lose myself to follow you
in the name of love, there's nothing that we would not do
in the name of love, I'd lose myself
Oh, God. Is this my sign? All right, then. Here we go.