Was this what death felt like?
She waited for that calming feeling to come over her – there was darkness – all she wanted was for it to begin to settle the fluttering she felt in her chest.
But she could hear things.
Bits and pieces.
Screaming. So much screaming.
And the rushing sound. Like water. But thicker.
She just wanted to die in peace.
Then she felt something.
Being lifted up.
She was sure she would go down.
After everything. She just wanted her body to be done. Left. Forgotten.
Again. The screaming. And crying.
Wailing. Rory just wanted it to be done.
To tell death to hurry up. So she could just stop hearing the screaming.
Or was the screaming part of the dying part?
She'd never done this before.
Then she felt it.
Pain.
Throughout her whole body.
Wasn't the worst pain supposed to be done? Digging that sharp razor deep into her arm… that was the worst part.
But it wasn't.
Something strangled her chest – as if she couldn't just fade off – but had to be tied and strangled and mangled again.
More yelling.
The noises around her began to come into focus more and more.
Beeping.
Someone yelling.
Then more strangling along her chest. All she wanted was for this to be over. Let her die.
Burning. Rang throughout her body for a split second.
Then more beeping.
Over and over.
Then voices.
And voices. She couldn't hear voices – not now. She did it to escape them.
But she couldn't move. Couldn't close her ears to the words. The people.
And she couldn't speak – couldn't tell them to be quiet. To just let her die.
"We had to use the defibrillator on her to restart her heart."
Restart? It was supposed to stop. She stopped it.
"We can't know if or how long her brain might have been without oxygen."
Long enough to trap her in this body? Long enough to make sure she failed? Yet again? All Rory wanted to do was scream.
But she couldn't. Couldn't move. Couldn't speak. Couldn't see. Could do nothing more than lay there and listen.
Her mom.
"When…" Stuttering. "When will you…"
So full of pain. So weighty.
Then his voice.
So sweet. But deadly. "Shhhhh… Lorelai…" Of course he was here. He was here. He had to watch her last breath happen.
He should – he pushed her here.
Even while she died, she couldn't escape.
She wanted to scream. "Leave me alone! Let me die!"
But instead – more darkness overtook her, and the noises faded into the background. Only the beeping remained. Reminding her of her own heartbeat that mocked her.