Who'd be a Riding Instructor?

"Lost: one sense of humility, not seen or used for many years, possibly starving and roaming the south block dorm. If found do not approach, but contact Aphrodite LaFont, VI Form."

"Dressage-judging is like sex, it all depends on what your position is and what is satisfactory to one person is not necessarily satisfactory to another."

"Just give me a minute while I fall off my horse laughing."

"Fetch me my piaffe whip."

"Because I told you to that's why!"

"It's odd that they call it 'can-ter', because if you fall off in it there's really nothing I can do about it."

"A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"

"Ooh Lordy!"

"You let go of it what do you mean you let go of it?"

"Well that was disappointing."

"So help me God..."

"Or Nyx..."

"Whoever's listening really, I'm not fussy."

"Aaand the 2012 stud season is officially underway."

"I haven't got enough dirty stables for the number of detentions I give!"

"I think this is a new record."

"Holy shit dude."

"PMS : Pissy Mare Syndrome."

"And this horse attempts suicide for the seventh time this week."

"If you don't want to listen to me during my lessons well fair enough, but let me tell you one thing my boy, if you get this wrong you will end up with a testicular torsion."

"And it won't be from me."

"Pity nobody whisps anymore, I could think of a really good reason for one right now."

"Bloody showjumpers..."

"Praise Nyx for the miracle that is the horsewalker."

"If you tell an eventer to kick it, they kick it. If you tell a dressage rider to kick it, they want to know where, when, how and at what trajectory angle."

Vet is trying to take a blood sample. "Five quid says the horse draws first blood."

"Ouch."

"Vets get cheap health insurance don't they?"

"I suddenly have an inexplicable hate for the British..."

"British Warmblood my arse."

"I mean this is political correctness gone mad!"

"First they steal our riders and pass them off as their own, well they've always stolen our horses but to take the credit?"

"Haha don't worry my dear, the horses with pairs of feet stay on the continent."

"Fucking hilarious."

"This kind of fence is called a rider-frightener. Kick on and you'll sail right over it."

"Well I never said the horse would sail right over it..."

"That ditch is bigger than me..."

"Walk it off dear."

"If at first you don't succeed, take up pole-dancing."

"Pays better than this dump at any rate."

"What do you mean 'it bucked you off'?"

"With your reputation you should be able to sit to anything..."

"I haven't got all day to watch you get this wrong you know."

"I've barely got the time to watch you do this right."

"But hey I've only been a horsewoman for ninety odd years so what do I know?"

"Has anyone seen my baseball bat?"

"It's just that I'm worried if someone doesn't knock some sense into you sometime soon your stupidity will become clinical."

"I'm fairly sure that horse has a higher IQ than you."

"And that's putting it lightly."

"Why do I bother?"

"God I don't know!"

"Detention. Detention. Detention. You're cool. Detention. I'm out."