IV.

God Save Our Gracious Me

I. AM. KING! And Anne my wife, she is Queen. You'd think that would have cheered her up, but no, she is always moping around. Royalty is the highest place you can get to; why would anyone be sad over it? I really don't understand her. Although, I suspect it might be because she is not allowed to see the two princes I locked in the Tower. I have forbidden anyone to go and see them, in case they plot to put my nephew Edward back on the throne. Now that I'm at the top, I'm not taking any chances. Oh, speaking of taking no chances, I really should ask the duke of Buckingham to find a way to 'get rid', i.e. assassinate or kill the two brothers. That young Richard... I wouldn't be surprised if he has the brains to shove me and his older brother off the throne and take the crown that fits so nicely on my head!

Ow. My lip is really sore from biting it. I did that to stop myself from yelling at Buckingham. When I asked him to get rid of the princes, he turned pale and said I could do as I pleased. Not his usual obedient, expressionless, cool self. He could see me biting my lip in anger, so he said that he will think about it. He usually makes instant decisions... I might have to execute him... but we'll see.

And he's not the only one around here that's changed. All the lords seem to have become nervous and edgy ever since I became king. They even jump at their own shadows if I'm in the same room as them. The marquis of Dorset took it even further and fled overseas! To where or who, I don't know. But anyway, I need those princes out of the way now.

Just then, I saw a page boy crossing the room. "Oi! You there!" I shouted. He turned around. "Yes, my lord?"

"D'you know someone who would kill for money?" I asked.

"Yes, his name is James Tyrrel, and he loves gold more than anything," replied the boy.

"Bring the bloke here, then," I said.

He ran off to fetch Tyrrel, anxious not to stay within my foot's reach. I was still thinking about Buckingham and wondering why in the world he would pause to think. He's a quick-thinking chap and has never tired of plotting with me before. Well, if he doesn't want to work with me anymore, then so be it. But I won't work with him anymore, either. He won't like that.

Shortly after that, Lord Stanley brought the news that Dorset had fled to young Henry the earl of Richmond, who was in France. The traitor.

Er... and apart from that, Anne is extremely ill now. That means I'll need another wife if she does... um... s-snuff it. I mean... I do need a son to be king after me, right?

Huh! I can't believe I had trouble saying 'snuff it'! It's not as if I even care about her or anything...

When the page boy brought that James Tyrrel, I was immediately pleased with him. I asked Tyrrel to get rid of the princes and he accepted without flinching or even changing expression. He's much better than that scaredy-cat duke of Buckingham.

It's late now. I must go to bed. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Well, now tomorrow is today. And this is what took place.

Buckingham came into the room and said that he had considered my request to get rid of the princes. "Never mind that, did you hear that Dorset has fled to the earl of Richmond?" I replied.

"I heard the news, my lord," said Buckingham stiffly. I then started up a conversation with Lord Stanley about Henry Richmond.

"But, my lord, didn't you promise me the earldom of Hereford?" asked Buckingham. "You know you said you'd give it to me if I helped you become king."

I just continued talking to Stanley.

"What does your Highness say to my request?" persisted Buckingham.

"I remember that Henry VI predicted that Richmond would be king, when Richmond was just a little boy. A king! Perhaps..." I trailed off, deep in thought.

"My lord –" began Buckingham.

"I wonder why Henry didn't tell me to kill Richmond then, to save me the trouble of doing so now?" I said, half to Stanley and half to myself.

"My lord, your promise for the earldom –" began Buckingham again.

"Richmond!" I was now talking fully to myself. "A bard from Ireland told me I wouldn't live long after seeing Richmond!"

"My lord –" Buckingham again. I couldn't ignore him anymore.

"Yes, what's the time?" I asked.

"I am trying to remind your Grace of that promise you made to me!" said Buckingham, finally getting his whole sentence out.

"Yes, yes, but what is the time?" I asked, pestering him back.

"Ten o'clock precisely," growled Buckingham.

"I can hear the bells striking ten, one after another, just like your (here I shot him a withering glare) incessant begging regularly interrupting my thinking!" I glowered at him, biting my lip so hard that it started bleeding.

"But pleeease can you give me that earldom?" whined Buckingham.

"You are annoying me with your endless snivelling," I growled angrily. "I'm not in the mood for giving today!" I left the room fuming. Talk about being ticked off.

When Buckingham thought (mistakenly) that I was out of earshot, he muttered, "All the things I've done for him, and he repays my service with disrespect? Did I make him king for this? I mean, look at what happened to Hastings! I must escape while my head's still on!" He left with rather unsteady steps. 'Good riddance!' I thought. But then, I heard someone in the next room. I went to see who it was. It was Sir James Tyrrel!

When I entered the room, he greeted me cheerfully. "All health to my sovereign lord!"

"Do you bring me good news, Tyrrel?" I asked.

"If to have done what you asked me to do is good news, then you can relax, 'cos I've done the job! I hired two blackguards with reputations none too clean to smother them in their sleep! The princes are dead, my lord!"

I leaped for joy in my head and invited Tyrrel to dinner. He left the room smirking proudly.

Edward's sons were now gone (hooray!). So was Anne. She... erm... left this world at the same time as my nephews. Just before daybreak. I don't know why I'm even writing about her... uh... death. It's not really... that... er... oh, never mind. Forget I said anything. My new wife will be Elizabeth of York, the dead princes' sister. You see, if Henry of Richmond marries her, he would have a better claim on the throne than he does now. So I'll marry her first.

I'm going off subject here. Back to what happened today. After Tyrrel left, Sir Richard Ratcliff burst into the room, looking quite panicked.

"Why so rushed?" I asked. "Is it good or bad news?"

"Bad news, my lord," he panted, "Bishop Morton of Ely has gone over to Richmond, and Buckingham has teamed up with some Welshmen. His army is now quite big!"

"The bishop with Richmond worries me more than Buckingham and his rabble," I muttered. "You must gather men immediately. We mustn't be slow when traitors are out and about!"

Oh calamity! Oh cataclysm! Princess Elizabeth will not marry me! No amount of persuading will make it

happen! I must keep Richmond away!

Aaaarrrrgghh! Lord Stanley brought me more news! Richmond is on the seas! He is sailing here! He was

stirred up against me by Dorset, Bishop Morton and Buckingham! I shouldn't have ignored Buckingham! But hang on, I'm the king, so I could execute that TREACHEROUS DEGENERATE IMMORAL EXCUSE FOR A DUKE. Must stay cool and calm.

I might not be able to stay calm for much longer. Luckily I've got nerves of steel. This is what took place:

A messenger entered the room and told me that Sir Edward Courtney, the Bishop of Exeter and many more people had taken up arms. I shuddered.

Another messenger came in and said, "In Kent, my liege, the Guilfords are getting ready for war, and every hour more people flock to Buckingham's rebels!"

I started trembling at the knees. I have become very nervous lately, despite my steely nerves.

And then yet another messenger arrived! "My lord, the army of great Buckingham –"

"Get out!" I yelled, losing my calm. "Can't you say anything except words full of death!?" I socked the last messenger in the jaw. "There, take that until you bring better news!" I grumbled, feeling that this was quite the last straw. The messenger I had whacked rolled his eyes, rubbing his bruised cheek. "The news I had to tell your Majesty is that Buckingham's army is scattered by floods, and he himself is wandering alone somewhere." He looked rather put out.

"Sorry!" I said, turning red. "Here's some money to cure that bruise I made. Has anyone put out a notice that there is a reward for whoever brings the traitor in?"

"Oh, yes yes, of course, my lord!" grinned the messenger.

That was a bit embarrassing. Hitting the only person who had good news to bring.