Remus was not as clueless as people seemed to think he was. He just liked to pretend he was because it was easy. No one pestered him about unimportant things and if something went wrong he could just say he had no idea. Not to mention, he liked knowing that he knew more than other people thought he did. It was pretty funny. Usually.
So he caught on pretty quickly to the fact that Lily and James were up to no good. Mostly from the fact that Lily and James were spending an awful lot of time together, making up bad lies about what they were doing, and speaking in whispers. In fact, if he knew that Lily was still mentally sane, he would have thought the two of them were in a secret relationship. Also, Sirius kept turning the conversation away from the two of them whenever he asked. Speaking of whom, Remus was pretty glad that the two of them were hanging out like they used to. For some reason or another, he had the feeling that things were rather awkward between them when he first started dating Clarissa, but now that the two of them were throwing a mix of nuts and Knuts into the snow at the birds outside, laughing at their confusion, he felt like things were right again.
Which was why, when Lily and James came outside, saw the two of them, panicked, whispered feverishly to one another, glanced at the main entrance, and put on airs of casualty before walking over to the two of them, Remus was a little afraid for the normality of his world.
"Why hello there, Mr. Potter and Ms. Evans," Sirius greeted as he stood up and made a little bow. "Fancy seeing you out here in the cold. Perhaps taking a nice romantic walk without exterior motivation?" He raised an eyebrow and Remus noticed how Lily seemed about ready to hex him.
"Black." She glared. "Remus." Normally, the look Lily would have given Remus would have been kind and sweet, a look that he looked forward to each time they spoke. Remus would never have admitted it, but he once had a tiny little crush on her. However, the look Lily was giving him now was guilty, remorseful, and oddly scared.
"Lily?" Remus asked as way of greeting as he moved closer to Sirius to give the two of them room on the bench to join them. Usually, at this time, James would have interrupted the strange pause of silence asking where his greeting was, but James merely sat down on the bench solemnly, not even bothering to brush aside the snow.
Lily kept staring at him as she reached over and clasped his hands. "Remus," she sighed. Then she turned her head to look at James over her shoulder, to which he nodded slowly. "There's something you need to know."
Remus waited for her to say something. She stared at him. He continued waiting, even nodding a little to indicate that he was ready to hear what she had to say, and she closed her eyes and sighed.
"Evans!" Sirius cried appallingly, startling the other three. "Don't tell me Remus knocked you up!"
"What?" the three of them asked simultaneously.
Sirius shook his head. "Remus, I can't believe you. Cheating on your girlfriend, sleeping with your best friend's love of his life, and not even using protection. Haven't you listened to any of our conversations about sex?" Sirius asked as Remus began to smile. "What was the thing that I said was most important?"
"I'm not sure I can say in polite company," Remus replied.
Sirius paused for a moment in thought and then said, "Second most important."
"Protection."
"Yes, protection!" Sirius grasped Remus' shoulders. "Were you too riddled by lust to think of protection? I would have thought Evans would have stopped you to put some on. But I understand if she was distracted. You are quite the hunk."
Remus laughed genuinely and James chuckled along nervously. Lily wasn't sure what to do as she was caught between being shocked at Sirius' words and amused by them at the same time. Finally, James nudged her gently, they shared a meaningful look, and she turned Remus toward her.
"Actually, Remus. Clarissa kissed James," she said seriously, staring straight at Remus.
He stared back rather blankly for a couple seconds, blinking once or twice, before he replied, "Oh."
"I know. It came from nowhere, but it happened maybe an hour or so ago. She just approached James and then kissed him," Lily began to explain.
"It wasn't mistaken identity," James added. "She knew it was me." He was really trying to defend himself. Remus didn't get angry often, but when he did, he was rather terrifying and a great supporter of justice.
"Remus, I don't know what to say." But she didn't have to know, because before she even finished the sentence, Remus was out of his seat and on the way back into the castle.
James, Lily and Sirius watched his ragged robe flow behind him almost serenely as the doors opened and he disappeared behind them.
"He took that well," James commented. Lily nodded in agreement. Sirius glared at the both of them and shook his head, showing real disappointment.
Remus was, in fact, not taking the news well. Perhaps he had always known, at least at first he had definitely thought it to be, that Clarissa actually liked James. But, Clarissa had asked him out. She had asked him out. He had not been a James Potter to her, persistently begging her to go out with him. In fact, he had not been all that keen on the idea in the first place. True, when she asked him out, he agreed almost immediately, but that was because he had never been on a date and he wanted to know what it was like. And he kind of liked her. When he realized these facts, he had told her that they should go out as a trial period and she had agreed. He insisted on the trial period. She had asked him out.
Remus, for all his charm and knowledge, did not understand the opposite gender. He had thought things between them were going along as well as well could be. He had thought they were doing wonderfully. He had thought that the pocket watch she had gotten him for Christmas was a clear sign of her feelings for him even though all that he had been able to afford her was a silk shawl that he thought made her eyes stand out. He had made amazing Valentine's day plans which he was sure was going to amaze her. He had been hoping that they would sleep together soon (not because he was a boy and constantly thinking of sex, but because he actually genuinely liked her). He was getting close to saying he loved her, and he was sure that she felt the same way. He was convinced she felt the same way. He had been floating on clouds knowing she felt the same way.
But, she didn't.
Remus talked to her in a very calm manner and she told him that she didn't. That she was starting to feel that way for him now, but when she asked him out she hadn't.
"It's true. I did like James first, but I never thought I would have a chance with him. He never noticed me even though I tried and tried to get his attention, but he was always stuck on Lily. But, Remus, you did pay attention to me, and I thought-"
"If you couldn't have James, you could have me, right? Or were you just using me to get close to him so he would pay attention to you?" he asked quietly and bitterly.
"Remus, it wasn't like that," Clarissa tried to reason with Remus as she placed a hand on his arm. He didn't shrug it off, but he also didn't acknowledge it. "I thought that it might work out between us, and it did, didn't it?"
Remus smiled almost warmly at her, but she could tell it was sarcastic because his eyes didn't change. "Aside from your true feelings for one of my best friends and then kissing him, it worked out wonderfully. It was amazing."
She held back from cringing as she took her hand away from him and let it fall to her lap. "Remus. I just wanted to see if I still had feelings for him. It looked like he and Lily were going to get serious and I just wanted one last chance. It didn't mean anything. Honestly, Remus, I don't care for him at all. You're the one I like."
"A last chance that didn't mean anything?" he repeated and a slight laugh. "I'm not the one you like, Clarissa. I'm your second choice, your safety net, the one you go to when your first choice doesn't work out. I was your stepping stone. You used me to get closer to James, to get over James, to feel better about yourself. You didn't like me. You don't hurt the people you like intentionally."
"It wasn't intentional!" she shouted back as tears began streaming down her face. "I didn't even realize I was doing it until it happened. I never meant for you to find out."
"Doing what? Dating me or kissing James?"
"Kissing James. I knew I was dating you, Remus. I wanted to date you." She drew out the word "wanted" through her tears, emphasizing the word, willing Remus to understand, but Remus didn't. He just didn't understand what she had been thinking, how she could have knowingly done this, or what she was thinking now. He just didn't understand the opposite gender.
And then he realized he had used her too. He had used her to forget that other person that he liked, and while he hadn't been as bad, he was still hardly better than her. He was being hypocritical, and it was wrong of him. Even though she had helped him get over that other person and he had honestly fallen in love with her, it was still wrong of him.
He took her hand and looked her in the eye with almost the same look Lily had given him. "Clarissa, I love you," he admitted and her eyes lit up as she blinked away the tears.
"Remus," she said breathlessly.
"But we're over."
"Remus," she said again with confusion.
"It's just, I can't do this, knowing that you still like someone else when I love you. I'll be honest with you, Clarissa. I liked someone else too and was hoping you would help me get over that person, and you did. You and your wonderful personality, beautiful body, amazing mind made me forget about that person and fall in love with you. And I felt like I knew everything about you. I felt like you felt the same way for me too. I told everyone I knew about what a great person you are, and, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I don't talk that much to people I'm not close with. And now I feel like such a fool. Maybe, if we kept at it, one day you would feel the same for me, but that one day is just not worth it. If you were really over James, you wouldn't have gone for that one more chance, you wouldn't have had to see if your feelings were really gone. I'm not a big risk taker, Clarissa. You have been the biggest risk I have taken in years and it was fun, but I can't keep going with this risk. I'm a weak person, and it just wouldn't work out." He didn't mention how he felt he could no longer trust her, especially since he was so close to revealing his secret to her. He knew for a fact that he could never been in a serious relationship without the other knowing his secret. If he couldn't trust Clarissa, then it just wasn't worth it.
"Remus," the plea was back in her voice, "please don't."
He let go of her hand and stood up from the desk in the classroom they had been in. "I'll see you in class." Then he walked away.
Sirius had been furious with Lily and James even though it wasn't directly their fault, though he was sure it had been their fault somehow. Especially with Lily's conniving little plans and James' utter love for the girl. Merlin, how could they be so stupid. And that girl, Clarissa. Sirius had just been willing to let everything go and admit that they were great together, the perfect couple in fact, but she had to go ruin it. And now Sirius had to go and comfort Remus due to his stupid friends and stupid girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. Girlfriend? Sirius hoped it was ex-girlfriend, not just because he had romantic feelings for the other boy, but also because it would be stupid for Remus to still be together with her. Absolutely stupid. And Remus was far from stupid.
After Sirius finished yelling at Lily and James and making them feel bad, even though they didn't deserve to feel quite as bad as Sirius made them feel, he went to the Shrieking Shack to find Remus. Despite the fact that the Shrieking Shack held some of Remus' most painful memories, they also held some of his most endearing memories, and so was the place where Remus went whenever he felt upset.
"Hi Sirius," Remus greeted from the empty bed in the downstairs bedroom where he always began his nights.
Sirius smiled for a reason he couldn't explain as he closed the door behind him and sat down on the bed next to him. "Hey. You know, the full moon's not for a couple weeks. There's no need to get ready this early." It was a lame attempt at cheering Remus up, but Remus forced a laugh all the same.
"Thanks."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Sirius asked, knowing Remus wouldn't say anything unless he did.
"No," Remus replied immediately. "I've talked about it already. I just want it to be over."
"What to be over?" He put his arm around Remus and drew him close.
Remus returned the embrace and sighed. "These feelings. Sirius, why does it hurt so much to lose someone you love?"
Sirius sighed and hugged Remus tighter. "It wouldn't be love if it didn't."
Later that night Clarissa entered the Gryffindor Common Room and walked up to Lily's room. Lily, who was busy reading a romance novel to get rid of the terrible guilty feeling Sirius had inflicted upon her, had not noticed her appearance at first, thinking her to be one of her roommates, until she stood at the food of her bed and cleared her throat.
"Oh," her eyebrows flew up with surprise as she sat up straight and put aside her book. "Clarissa."
"Hi, Lily. How are you?" she asked rather nervously as she fidgeted with her hands.
"I'm good," Lily replied automatically before shaking her head and swing her feet over the side of the bed so they touched the ground. "Actually, I'm not. I'm feeling guilty and rather terrible. I'm pitying a very close friend of mine who hates to be pitied, which is why I can't go see him right now. That, and I don't know where he is. I'm also pitying someone who I thought was a friend of mine, but now I'm not so sure anymore. I'm also angry at that person for screwing things up, and I'm angry at myself."
"Why are you angry at yourself?"
"Because I trusted you and I feel stupid for doing so. It gets even worse, because if you hadn't screwed things up with Remus, I would have screwed things up for you guys. I hate you and myself and I don't know who to blame more." Lily realized she had pretty much exposed her plan, but she was pretty furious at Clarissa solely because she hurt Remus badly and not at all because she had kissed James.
"I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't mean to – Wait. What?"
"What?" Lily half faked confusion.
"What do you mean you would have screwed things up for us?" Clarissa wanted to sit down, but she wasn't sure if Lily would look kindly upon that, after all, she was still at fault. "I thought you approved of us. You said you were happy for Remus that he found me."
"I was. I did. Kind of." Lily was a terrible liar. "It's just that Remus wasn't meant for you." She was about to explain more, when she realized that this was not the point of the discussion. It was enough that Sirius had made her feel bad, but at least he had a reason to. She was not about to let this lying cheater make her feel down too especially when she was the one who broke Remus' heart. "And wasn't I right? I knew from the start that you were wrong for him, but I thought I would give you a chance, especially since he seemed so happy." Lily was still a terrible liar – she was just also good at selectively telling the truth. "But I guess I shouldn't have even bothered if I knew what kind of person you really were. I thought you said you had liked Remus since fifth year."
"I-" Clarissa paused, knowing that whatever she said next was not going to help her case in the least so she may as well tell the trust. "I lied. I had liked James since fifth year. James asked if he could be my partner in Herbology one day and he was so funny. I had such a great time with him and I kept trying to get his attention, but it never worked. Then Remus came along and offered to help, and I knew that Remus was one of James' really close friends, so I thought if I could get to know him better, James would notice me. I never meant to date Remus; it just happened."
"Just happened?" Lily asked incredulously. "Dating somebody does not 'just happen'. What about your whole story? I thought you asked him out. You must have thought about it when you did. And I know Remus was the one who suggested you guys try it out first. Surely, when you realized then that it 'just happened' you could have unhappened it. Were you just acting when you told me how cute Remus was? What about our late night conversations about him?"
"I always thought you were more interested in those than I was," Clarissa mumbled.
"And was that why you asked about James that night?"
"I wanted to see if you liked him. If you did, I wouldn't have kissed him," Clarissa protested.
"But you did because I didn't? You didn't stop yourself because you were dating Remus, but you would have if I told you I liked James?" Lily did not understand at all what Clarissa was thinking.
"I just – I don't know, Lily! I wasn't going to kiss James. I never planned on it. It's just that if you had said you liked him, I know I wouldn't have because you're one of my only female friends and I didn't want to lose you." Clearly Clarissa didn't understand what she was thinking either. "Lily, I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know who I like and I don't know what to do. Remus told me he loved me and I don't want to lose him, but he doesn't trust me and I don't know if I really like him that much."
Lily wanted to be sympathetic. She wanted to tell Clarissa that everything was going to be alright and she would talk to Remus to make things better, because that's what friends did for each other, but she couldn't. She couldn't for the most obvious reasons and she didn't know why Clarissa was here telling her all this because she knew that Clarissa must have known that Lily couldn't help her.
"I'm sorry, Clarissa, but you hurt someone really important to me and you don't even understand that what you did was completely selfish." Lily stood up, walked past Clarissa, and opened the door. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave and never speak to any of us again."
Clarissa stared at Lily with tears forming at her eyes. Then, she lowered her head and walked out the door. Lily shut it behind her and crawled back into her bed. Water was pooling in her own green eyes and there was just too much to think about. So she picked up her book, opened it back to the page she was on, and lost herself in the romance of Pedro and Luciana.
Remus finally spilled everything out to Sirius, never even crying once, until he got to the end. When he did cry, there were no words, loud hiccups, or sobs, just tears falling at first one by one and then streaming down. Sirius held him tightly the entire time, letting his favorite blue sweater soak up with salty water and occasional snot. After an hour of that, Remus, with his golden eyes rimmed with red and his soft brown hair tousled this way and that, hoarsely whispered, "Thanks," and promptly fell asleep. Sirius, feeling suddenly as exhausted as Remus looked, wanted to sleep right there next to Remus and keep him in his arms, but the bed at the Shrieking Shack was pretty much a cement block with a blanket. So he took a deep breath, drawing in all the energy he could, and picked Remus up. Though Remus was usually as light as a feather, today he seemed even lighter as Sirius arranged Remus on his back in a position so the other boy wouldn't fall.
Since it was way past curfew, Sirius carried Remus out the front door of the Shrieking Shack, careful not to be seen by any of the locals, not that any of them really would have been out at this hour, and took him to the Three Broomsticks, which was still roaring with customers. He nodded to Madame Rosemerta and placed Remus down in a booth before taking a mirror out of his pocket.
"James. James Potter. Mr. James Potter," Sirius whispered into the mirror in an almost sing-song manner, waiting a couple seconds after each name to see if there was a response. Being an impatient person, Sirius did not wait too long before taking advantage of a bar fight to shout, "Oi Prongs!"
A moment later, a very tired and groggy looking James peered into the edge of the mirror. He took a second before running a hand through his hair and snapping, "What?"
"You sleeping?" Sirius asked annoyingly with a grin.
"Sod off, Sirius." His face disappeared, but Sirius knew he was still there because he couldn't see his own handsome face. And sure enough, James' face reappeared in the mirror, this time with confusion. "Where the bloody hell are you at two in the morning?"
"Three Broomsticks. I need you to get over here with your cloak. Remus is sleeping and it's past curfew," Sirius explained poorly, but James got the general idea.
"Can't you just come back and get it?" he whined all the same.
"Really, James?" Sirius rolled his eyes. James was such a baby when he was tired. "Besides, you owe it to Remus for kissing his girlfriend."
"I didn't kiss her! She kissed me!" From the other side of the mirror there was a grunt. James turned to see what it was and then looked back. "Fine, you wanker. I'm only coming so I can yell at you without waking Peter."
Sirius smiled with satisfaction and pocketed the mirror. Madame Rosemerta brought over two butterbeers and told him she heard about what happened with Remus and the drinks were on the house. Sirius thanked her and promised to let Remus know when he woke up. After she left, he took a large gulp from one. Really, word spread like wildfire between Hogwarts and Hogsmeade.