CHAPTER FOUR: "First Day Fiasco"

Severus Snape felt a sense of deja vu as he looked around the balustrades and columns and limestone portico, until he realized he was on Crete again. The night sky was filled with thousands upon thousands of stars, while the moonlight softly illuminated the stone and deepened the shadows.

A man was standing at the balustrade, staring across the ocean. Severus noted the man wore the local tunic and cropped trousers, his black curly hair pulled back with a Cretan hair-tie and his profile stood out strongly in shadow. He looked a little familiar, but the Potions Master could not place him.

The man turned. "So, you are the First."

Severus folded his arms. "And you are?"

"The Second." He smiled warmly. "Come stand with me. We have something important in common."

"What do you want?" Severus asked as he cautiously approached the man.

"To help you make her happy."

He narrowed his eyes; without a doubt, he knew the man was speaking of Britomartis. "In what way?"

The man laughed, not in sarcasm or contempt, but sympathy. "In ways that would make you both happy." He grinned. "I know you two never got a chance to consciously find out together, and it's slightly awkward finding out now."

Severus cleared his throat. "That's none of your business."

The man turned his face back to the ocean. "She's quite addictive, you know," he commented softly.

"Yes," Severus agreed.

"And matches her Goddess name as well - one of the most desired women of Crete, Britomartis the Nymph. Because she was an active girl who hunted, many a-man's loins rested on her natural beauty. Even the King couldn't keep his eyes - or hands - off the one in legend."

Severus gazed at the ocean. "It was like that in school as well."

"And yet you managed to keep your virtue intact around such a passionate woman."

"We were children. Too much pain for us to deal with - "

"And other flimsy excuses."

Severus chuckled. "Yes. Flimsy excuses. So succinctly you put it."

"We hardly beat around the bush in this culture. Unless we're teasing the girls." He grinned, looking at Severus. "Swatted her yet?"

"I beg your pardon?" He turned to look back at the man.

"She likes it, you know. Nothing hard, just a little swat across the backside. Makes this delightful squealing sound. Ought to try it sometime."

Severus cleared his throat again. "Why are you here?"

"Because you need a little guidance, my friend. The First usually educates the Second, but due to circumstances, the Second is educating the First. Just how it worked out. I'll see you later."

And Severus Snape awoke.

-

"Mother! This is not necessary!" Britomartis objected early the next morning.

The students of Slytherin were surprised to see their House Mother stalking out of the adults' corridor and into the common room, clad in her nightgown and followed by her mother, who had a towel in hand and a sponge in the other.

"You need your first bath, darling," Saphira stated.

"This is not working!" Britomartis yelled. "I refuse to go that far to help you recover!"

Girl-students giggled, while boy-students tried to imagine their House Mother in a bath, only to be swatted by the girl-students when their leers made it clear that they succeeded.

"WAAAH! MY BABY DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!" Saphira cried.

"Oh, for the Great Mother's sake, stop that! You're an elderly woman!"

Severus Snape entered, saw the scene of the wailing Saphira, and asked, "What now?"

"Her recovery is involving baths!" Britomartis exclaimed.

"SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME!" Saphira continued to wail.

Severus folded his arms. "So, Professor Vox, why are you twitching?"

"Incredible amounts of guilt due to being accused of not loving her, Professor Snape."

He rolled his dark eyes. "Grant her a compromise."

Britomartis snorted at him, then turned to Saphira. "All right, all right!"

"You will?" Saphira asked hopefully.

Britomartis grinned, then stuck a finger in her mouth and mumbled around it, "No. I wan' HIM to gi' me a bath."

The student body of Slytherin present in the common room broke into laughter, which was immediately shut up by a glare from their House Master, making them decide to head out to breakfast.

Saphira was busy stuttering. "B-b-but, darling - "

Britomartis shook her head wildly, the finger still in her mouth. "Wan' him. He'th nice."

Severus loomed over her. "Stop this at once, Martis, you're too old to have a soft-palate lisp!"

She pouted, pulling the finger out of her mouth. "You're mean!"

He was surprised to find a rolled-up 'Daily Prophet' slapped over his head. He turned to Saphira who was holding it. "May I ask why you're hitting me?"

"Stop scaring my baby!"

He snatched the paper away from her and swatted it over her head several times in rapid succession before giving it back.

She blinked for several seconds, then murmured, "Oh, dear, I'm sorry, Professor Snape. I don't know what came over me. Britomartis, I'm sorry, love. I went too far - you have to understand - "

"I know, Mother. It's just annoying to have it done at my age rather than in infanthood."

"Please tell me when I do it?"

"You won't listen to me. I'll have Severus do it."

He snorted. "I am a House Master, not a babysitter."

"Yes," Britomartis agreed. "I prefer it that way." She turned back to Saphira. "Mother, why don't you write it all down while I teach classes today? You can join me for lunch at the Head Table, all right?"

Saphira nodded, rubbing her forehead. "Yes, yes. I'll go back to our rooms." She wandered back.

Severus' black eyes narrowed and he hissed through his teeth, "What the HELL was that about?"

"What?" Britomartis asked innocently as she rubbed her bare arms. "You don't want to bathe me?" She began to purr. "Dripping water all over my skin and - "

"I didn't say that - "

A squeal made them turn to see one of the Slytherin boys - a Quidditch Chaser - having his fuses blown.

"You didn't hear that, Mr. Montague," Britomartis stated.

He shook his head. "N-no, ma'am!" he choked, stumbling past them in a hurry and through the exit to the dungeons.

"It will be through the entire school in less than ten minutes," Severus muttered.

"I know that," Britomartis said with an impish smile. "It will merely add to the lustre of your reputation as a great lover."

Severus seemed to be taken aback. "When did I get a reputation like that!"

"Well, I hope that money I spent on full-page ads in the 'Daily Prophet' wasn't wasted."

SPANK!

"Eeeek!" she squealed. "Snips!" She leered playfully. "Do it again."

Yes, it did indeed seem she liked to be swatted.

-

At her first class, Britomartis looked over her sunglasses frames at her students.

A pack of Fifth-Years, the Weasley twins among them, were sitting quietly and attentively. Snookie-Poo hung around Britomartis' shoulders, staring at them just as the teacher was.

"Welcome back to Worlds Religions," Britomartis stated. "I trust we will not have any demons interrupting this year, nor will we have people showing up in their underpants and claiming to be sleepwalking."

Several students glanced at the Weasley twins, whom were trying to look innocent. The fake halos over their heads made Britomartis pause and shake her head before she went back to what she was saying: "Since this is Fifth Year, your OWLs will be coming up at the end of the term. Last year's class was vacation - this year the work truly begins." She smirked. "We'll start with a timed essay about the Voodoun practice of using chicken blood in rituals."

"Shouldn't that be in Defense Against the Dark Arts?" Alicia Spinnet asked.

"Why? I'm asking you to write a recipe essay, not ways to kill off the Houngans." She narrowed her eyes, making them look creepier over the sunglass frames. "What does Voodoun have to do with the Dark Arts, anyway, Miss Spinnet? Are you adverse to chickens being sacrificed? If so, then I suggest you take up vegetarianism and go hug the Whomping Willow or some other such Muggle Neo-Pagan nonsense."

"Oh, hells," Fred sighed. "She's ranting again."

"But her ranting is always athletic," George reminded him.

"Yes, I must agree there. Quite hypnotic, too."

The rant continued: "And while we're on the subject of equating Voodoun with Dark Arts, we may as well spread the rumor that all Wizards and Witches get their powers by fornicating with demons - which we know ISN'T true, unless you're a Malfoy."

The class broke into giggles. Even the Slytherins had to hide their smiles.

"Essay starts - now."

Parchments and quills were whipped out and students began writing earnestly.

-

Severus slammed the door open from his office to his classroom, scaring the First-Years half out of their skins. He strode up to his desk and sharply turned around, his black hair whipping around his face. Surveying the class, he felt an internal shudder as he recognized several of the girls (and one boy) swooning from his entrance.

Damn. He wished Minerva and Britomartis had not pointed out that aspect to him on the 'list'. It was unnerving seeing it in eleven-year-olds.

"I expect you to make perfect marks in this class," he droned in his thickest Master-of-the-Dungeons voice. "Otherwise, you will disappear and ... " He paused for effect, lowering his voice even more. " - never be seen again." He gripped the edges of his robe and folded his arms across his chest, sneering down at them. "And despite what you hear, I am not a vampire, so ignore the lack of mirrors and sunlight in the lab." Seeing the students were properly sweating now, he allowed a cold smirk to show. "Smiles, smiles. You're only in the dungeons."

Amused and gratified by the nervous shivering, he began his standard 'Subtle Science and Exact Art' speech. He knew he had their attention and that they would be very alert - absolutely essential qualities in Potions making and alchemy. Which is why he tried to scare them in the first place.

Logical, no?

By the time lunch rolled around, he was just as hungry as the students and was one of the first to sit at the staff table, followed closely by Remus Lupin.

"Accused anyone of being vampires lately?" Severus mocked as he reached for a goblet.

Remus smiled in a serene manner. "That was rather fun, wasn't it?"

"No. I had no idea what you four dunderheads were doing by attacking me with stakes and garlic all a sudden." He swirled the liquid around in his goblet, peering at Remus over the rim. "Although, admittedly, proving otherwise was more amusing." He smirked. "Do you have any ... tomahto juice?"

Remus lowered his eyes. "All right, we were both stupid kids, Snape."

Severus frowned. "Did you think if you had murdered me, you could have gotten close to her?"

Remus suddenly looked up. "What? No! I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Oh, please, Lupin. Your crush on Martis back then was as obvious as your lack of spine." He slowly drank. "However, I'm sure we've abandoned childish crushes these days, correct?"

Remus cleared his throat and replied, "Most of us have, Snape. A lot of us also don't cover up insecurity with being an ass- "

"Good afternoon, Professor Vox," Severus greeted Britomartis as she sat between them.

"Good afternoon, Professor Snape and Professor Lupin," she replied. "Could one of you make room for my mother? She'll be joining us for lunch."

Severus got up and moved a chair away just as Saphira arrived. "Good afternoon, children," she greeted them as she sat. "I see you have a few playmates, honey."

Remus raised an eyebrow and Britomartis explained, "Late-in-Life mother-child bonding. You remember - when Teasey mentioned - "

Remus nodded. "Yeah. Good that it's finally happening, Miss Brit - I mean, Professor Vox."

"Mother," Britomartis said. "This is Remus Lupin. He was part of that group of dorks that bothered Sev and me back in school. He's the Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor this season. Lupin, this is my mother Lady Saphira Vox."

"Pleasure to meet you, madam," Remus said. He liked the mother's scent, almost like the daughter's. For the most part he wished he could turn his sense of smell off, but he may as well stick fireworks up his nose and not be able to smell at all. It was inconvenient at times, but there were times that he could live with it.

Saphira cupped his chin in her hand. "You poor child, you're so pale and sickly. You need to be outside a bit more."

Snape almost smirked. "Perhaps in a nice doghouse? We could chain you up on sunny days, with a dish of water and some leftovers in a bowl - "

"Severus," Britomartis said in a tone that conveyed 'Cut it out', 'Grow up', and 'Not in front of my mother' all at once. To Saphira she said, "Mother, we talked about this, remember? Focus ... "

"Focus ..." Saphira's eyes seemed to adjust. "Oh dear. I am sorry, Professor Lupin. I was warned that the undoing of the Imperius Curse would leave my mind prone to wandering for a time, but that's no excuse."

"The breaking of Imperius Curses are a delicate operation," he replied, glad to be part of a subject he could work with. "The mind is getting readjusted to its usual paths of thinking instead of the forced way the curse had made it. May I ask how long the curse had been in effect?"

"About thirty-four years."

Remus almost choked. That would mean ... at least around the time of Miss Britomartis' conception. "And you're not completely mad! Fascinating!"

"Oh, I never claimed to be sane," Saphira stated unemotionally. "I spent much time after the first breaking of it ... I'm sorry, you don't need to hear about it."

"On the contrary, I would like to discuss it with you. I've never spoken with anyone that had come out of such a long-term Imperius Curse with most of their mind intact. For the most part, anyone - Sorry." He smiled apologetically. "Meals are not the place to discuss shop."

"Indeed," Britomartis agreed as the Great Hall finished filling. "Meals are meant for light discussion concerning gossip, scandal, and the food."

"Which reminds me," Severus said as the food appeared. "I truly regret you and Professor McGonagall showing that 'list' to me."

"The list?" She paused in filling her plate. "Oh, yes, THAT list. Why?"

"It's not only the older students. The First-Years have that look, too!"

Britomartis grinned. "See? I told you! Face it, Snips, you're - "

"No, I don't want to think about it!"

Remus cleared his throat. "What?"

Britomartis turned to Remus, smiling smugly. "Oh, you haven't heard yet, have you? I suppose you might get your own following once you settle in. Severus has his own fangirl base here at the school - "

"Martis!" Severus hissed.

She waved her hand dismissively, her smile becoming even more smug. "It's the whole dark, brooding elegance thing he has going on. A lot of the girl-students think it's romantic."

Remus' mouth fell open.

Severus was a lovely shade of purple from both embarrassment and anger. "Professor Vox, will you kindly shut up?"

She sighed. "Of course, Professor Snape, but being a stud isn't anything to be ashamed about. You just have to learn to live with the primordial force of nature that is the sexual magnetism of Severus Snape. I have." She darted her tongue out, licking her upper lip.

Severus rolled his eyes; she was yanking Lupin's chain and she wanted him to join in. "But it is highly annoying with these bumbling virgins around. Can hardly get any work done when they attempt to do everything from sneaking into my office to offering themselves as 'lab assistants'. Had to bury that last one in the rose gardens."

"Mm. Yes. You do hate being called 'Snapey-Poo'."

Remus finally broke into laughter as their very serious expressions.

"I beg your pardon," Britomartis asked. "But are you feeling well, Professor Lupin?"

"Yes," he coughed. "Just swallowed the wrong way."

Saphira - unable to correspond her adult daughter's conversation with the rebirth processes seeing this same daughter as a year old child - occupied herself with cutting up Britomartis' food.

"And how is your first day going, Professor Lupin?" Britomartis asked.

"Interesting, to say the least." He grinned. "It reminded me of our first DADA class, Snape."

"Yes, Professor McElwain," Severus said. "One of the best instructors to ever grace that post."

"Whatever happened to McElwain?" Britomartis asked.

"No one knows," Severus answered. "He simply ... disappeared."

Unable to resist, both grinned and wiggled their fingers at each other behind Saphira's back. "Meh-steer-ee-us!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "You two really haven't changed, you know." He got a twinkle in his eye. "Incidentally, he is still believed to be alive - they found one of his eyes in Canada two years ago, and it was reasonably fresh." He put a huge forkful of sausage in his mouth. "And the year after he disappeared, they found one and a half of his toes, one in Japan and part of the other in Singapore."

Britomartis shuddered and pushed her food away. "There goes my appetite."

Severus snorted. "It takes more than that to upset my digestion, Lupin."

"Still got one of you. That counts."

Britomartis giggled. "I thought we all grew up?"

"We did," Remus answered. "It's just that now, our initially crude methods have been replaced by subtle one-up-manship."

"Much can be said for applied crudeness," Severus snorted. "I particularly enjoy the memory of Lucius Malfoy in that pink dress after the Cup Match Party."

Britomartis nodded. "Thanks. I still have that photo somewhere."

"I only heard it secondhand from James," Remus said. "And that was because somebody had stapled him to your common room ceiling."

"We cannot claim credit for that," Severus informed him. "We had our own problems at the time."

Britomartis stared thoughtfully into space. "I need to owl Xenia and ask her to send me my childhood album. I think she has it somewhere; it includes that particular picture of Lucy." She glanced at her mother. "Actually, it would be a good idea. Mother, perhaps you'd like to go through my photo album to help you?"

Saphira put the fork and knife down. "Yes, I would. Perhaps that can help me channel these odd notions."

Britomartis looked down at her plate. "Mother, what have you been doing?"

"Cutting your food, darling."

Britomartis used a spoon to scoop up the mashed peas, studying them. "Lessee ... by the way they are mashed and ... " She darted her tongue out. "Lack of seasoning ... I must be at least six months old at this point."

"Four," Saphira said proudly. "All my children switch to solid food quickly. They need the extra nutrition for their exceptional minds and bodies." She ruffled Britomartis' bobbed hair playfully. "Isn't that right, baby-kins?"

Remus cleared his throat and paid attention to his own food, completely ignoring what was going on for Miss Britomartis' sake. Severus' knuckles turned white on the arms of his chair as he tried to suppress the desire to throttle the old woman.

Rubeus Hagrid - sitting not too far away - tactlessly broke into laughter. "Aw, sorry, Martis-love. Dunno what came over me. Jus' motherhood is so beautiful - " He wiped the tears from his eyes with a handkerchief the size of a pillowcase.

Remus had to admire how she managed to hit Hagrid in the eye with a blob of mashed peas with such accuracy. As well as Hagrid's good-natured acceptance of it.

-

Ten essays were returned to her at the end of the day. Hermione Granger had dragged Ron Weasley and Harry Potter with her to turn in theirs early before their first Worlds Religions class and Britomartis had invited the trio to stay for tea.

"I heard your family visited Egypt this summer, Mr. Weasley," Britomartis begun conversationally as she poured tea into clay cups on her desk.

Ron - a handful of non-magically-made baklava in his mouth - nodded mutely.

Britomartis smiled. "While you're processing the baklava, I'll talk with the other two."

Harry blurted, "How bad is it when you blow up your aunt?"

Britomartis had the cup to her lips when asked; after a moment of staring over the rim at him, she placed it down and inquired, "Blown up how?"

"Inflated."

"Oh, that's different. If what little I know about your living family is true, then I'm not surprised or upset. Don't worry about it, Mr. Potter, inflation is a good thing in some cases."

"Well, she did insult my parents ... "

"Then she deserved worse - insulting the dead is about as trashy as one can get."

Hermione interrupted with, "Are we going to go on another Crete Trip next year, Professor?"

"I was thinking upon it. How did your parents take it when you told them of what you did this last trip?"

Hermione became prim and proper. "Nothing untoward concerning the culture happened."

"If I recall, you were wearing traditional Priestess-dress when you have not even been initiated into the Mysteries. That counts as a rather large breach of the culture."

"Oh, that." Hermione thought about it. "Would it help if I grew a little more up there?"

Harry had the decency to blush while Ron almost choked as he swallowed.

"No, it would not. You are not a consecrate, you have not been initiated into the Mysteries. Gentiles can't get into the Temple in Salt Lake City, non-Muslims can't see the Kaaba, and you can't dress in Priestess-garb. Period."

Hermione sighed. "Then what about native clothing?"

"Then that's different. Considering how you've grown by next year, I'm quite sure we can dig up some of my summer clothes from when I was your age." She turned back to Ron. "You need a subject change, Mr. Weasley. Did you like Egypt?"

"Yes, ma'am. It kinda reminded me of Crete in places."

"Crete and Egypt did trade extensively several thousand years ago. I've been there once - I particularly liked the Temple of Hatshepsut."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Fred and George tried to steal the Sphinx. She wasn't pleased."

"Of course she wasn't. She likes her sleep."

After a little more small talk (discovering Hermione had gotten a half-Kneazle cat named Crookshanks who did NOT like Scabbers she did not blame Crookshanks, Scabbers reminded her too much of Peter Pettigrew's rat form - scruffy coat and dull-looking in the eyes), the three students returned to Gryffindor Tower and Britomartis settled back at her desk to look over the research papers.

From Oliver Wood - "A Short Survey of Recent Bull-Leaping History" (After his 'Bull-Leaping by Broomstick' schtick, this should be interesting.)

From Glynis Ryper (graduated) - "Dolphins within Cretan Art and Stories" (Always a favorite subject.)

From Fred Weasley - "Playing Minoan Quidditch, Part One" (She was not surprised.)

From George Weasley - "Playing Minoan Quidditch, Part Two" (She was not surprised by this, either, especially since both twins had large handwriting. At least they were enthusiastic about the potential Quidditch team the youths were starting to put together on the island.)

From Elizabeth Humphries - "A Day in the Life of a Junior-Priestess" (Quite accurate. Probably got Ophelia to blab - most outsiders were not privy to a lot of the Mysteries.)

From Ginny Weasley - "Native Magical Creatures of Crete" (A good cross-section of study. Pity she did not meet any of the Wild-Elves in the interior of the island.)

From Draco Malfoy - "Architecture in Knossos" (Admittedly, the Malfoys did have a sense of style, from art to architecture, and she was pleased Draco found something he liked.)

From Ron Weasley - "The Culinary Delights of Crete" (She wondered if young Mr. Weasley would become a food writer; he was at the right age to tell quality in his quantity.)

From Harry Potter - "Minoan Temples - From Caves to the Palace" (A good sense of atmosphere in his writing; Mr. Potter seemed quite in tune with the energies of ancient magic.)

And from Hermione Granger - "Socio-Religious Comparisons of Muggle England, Wizarding Scotland, and Wizarding Crete, with Accompanying Desridata" (Nice girl, but she had to learn not to use a ten-Galleon word where a one-knut word would suffice. Britomartis was going to need a thesaurus to read this one. Not to mention extra time - three feet longer than required, with tiny handwriting.)

Well, time to start grading.