When Haku woke up, most of his memory was gone.
He stumbled around aimlessly in the snow for awhile, waiting for his memory to return to him. He tried speaking to himself to keep himself calm and sane while he took in the deathly quiet village. A village where even the bird's songs had ceased to exist.
I am Haku. I have a father and a mo-
Then a sudden image flashed back into his mind and he collapsed onto the snow. It was the face of his mother, her eyes wide open and blood streaming down her face as she collapsed onto the floor. And the murderer was …
… his own father.
The man who had raised him had threatened to kill- no, he actually killed – the only woman who he had really known his entire life. That man was now a murderer.
But what about him? As Haku walked around the village, he saw the bloodstained snow and the destroyed cottages. A sudden memory flashed back into his mind.
A memory of ice spikes piercing the village, sparing no one, not even the children. His knees gave way as he stared at his hands in horror.
It was me… I was the murderer.
His whole little body shook uncontrollably with fear and shock.
So much violence, and he had done it…
But why did he? He felt like there was a puzzle piece missing. An important piece of his memory that he wasn't understanding. Without it, he felt hollow inside, like a piece of his heart had been cut out and taken away.
Why am I living? Why is everyone dead and me alive? Who spared me? There must be a reason…
But try as he might, little Haku could not find that reason. He stared at the ground, confused, as if an answer might just suddenly jump up at him. He was not angry or sad, just…lost and confused, like a little puppy who had lost his way home.
Home…
Haku wondered what that word even meant to him anymore. He felt betrayed. Was the life that he had been living all a lie? It so, then what was the reason for living.
What was the reason for living…
There! He had found his answer. What he had lost was a reason for living. It was as if he had no purpose in life, nothing to keep him going. The truth hurt and he knew that this time, it would change his life forever.
He wanted to just lie there in the snow and let the cold take him away. Take him far far away from this dreadful town, this dreadful place, this dreadful earth.
But yet something kept him going, something that even he did not understand. Perhaps, it was his sister's curse that he continued to live, to strive for living.
Yes, indeed. Haku's life was a cursed one indeed. To have everything and then to have it taken away from you… it was probably even worse than having nothing at all, so that nothing could be taken away from you.
Weary and tired, Haku somehow managed to force himself to keep going, to find food. His little body trudged knee-deep in the snow and he sighed pathetically. He settled in a cottage that still had cheese and some leftover bread and tried to ignore the dead occupants staring up at him from the floor.
He filled his stomach and crawled into the bed of the cottage to sleep.
Days passed and the village remained empty.
Food supply was running scarce and Haku knew that he had to find a new income of food, and fast. Snow was also falling thick around him and his tattered and torn clothes did not help much.
The silence almost drove him insane but he forced himself to get up each and every day to find food to keep himself alive. He still did not know what kept him going. Perhaps it was his instincts, he had thought to himself. But he shook his thoughts off and kept on living, although what he was doing probably wasn't considered as such.
The hardest part was the loneliness that was gnawing away inside of Haku. When they say that humans were meant for each other, they meant it. The absence of human company- or any company for that matter- was bearing down on Haku like a dead weight, making it harder than it already was for him. It made his little figure hunched, as if he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
His body became programmed to the usual routine.
Food, shelter, water…
That was all that he thought about. To satisfy these three needs to keep him alive became his life. He had succumbed so low and his clothes were in tatters. The last time that he had taken a bath was…
…ahh, he couldn't even remember.
It was one month later when the food supply began to run dangerously low.
That was when Haku decided that it was time to move. He packed up what little he had; nothing much, just a few pieces of scrap food that was still edible and tied a piece of cloth into a bag. Slowly, he left the village, unsure of his future.
The little village stayed silent, watching the only figure alive finally leaving it. It let out a deep sigh and gave in to its death. From that day onwards, no one ever entered that village again and it was forever abandoned, with Haku as its last occupant.
After 3 days of endless walking and trudging through the snow, Haku came across a small village hidden in the mountains. It was still winter and he was close to frostbite.
Little Haku collasped on the snow as the came into sight of the village. It seemed like forever before he forced open his eyes and everything was dark.
Am I blind?
He blinked again and realized that it was not him that was blind. The sky had turned dark and slowly village lights came on, one by one, lighting the midnight sky.
A shiver ran through his tiny body and his survival instincts kicked in. He realized that he was going to die if he stayed out here any longer. Already his tiny fingers had a slight tint of blue. The temperature had dropped to negative degree celcius and would continue to drop, Haku realized. He forced himself into a crawl, his body weak from starvation and entered the town in the most degrading way possible.
Mommy, look! It's a little boy!
A little girl dressed in pink and tightly wrapped up was standing in front of him, her stubby little finger pointed at him. Her cheeks were red from the cold and she was holding on tightly to her mother's hand. Something about her sparked a feeling in little Haku's chest and a tear trickled down his cheek although he didn't know why.
The little girl bent down and wiped the tear from his cheek, patting his head in the process.
Akari! What are you doing?
A little boy standing at the sidewalk, beside a row of shops with welcoming lights was looking at his sister. A sudden image flashed in Haku's mind of a little figure falling down in the snow and then it was gone.
Their mother turned around, suddenly realizing what her daughter was doing and pulled the girl away roughly.
My child! What are you doing?
She took out a handkerchief and wiped the little girl's hands as if Haku was ridden with a disease that her daughter might catch.
Don't ever talk to strangers.
The woman pulled the little girl into the warmth and safety of those shop lights as Haku lifted his fingers in their direction, begging to be taken along too. The little girl continued to face him, a pitiful look on her eyes before she turned to face her mother as they entered the shops.
Haku punched the ground in anger and sadness.
Why was it so unfair?!
Something began to rise from the ground where his fingers touched the snow. It was water from the snow that had melted. An image flashed through his mind of his mother slapping him. It was the first time she had hit him...and also the last.
Okaasan~
Tears fell from little Haku's eyes. He wanted to just lie there and die. He closed his eyes, willing the ground to open up and swallow him. The darkness closed in on him when-
Oi! Don't just lie there, dog!
Then something hit his side, hard.
Ouch!
Haku opened his eyes to find an old woman standing in front of him. She was holding a stick and started beating him with it.
What are you doing?
Little Haku got up in a hurry and crouched himself into a fighting stance. He got a whack on the head for that.
What do you mean what am I doing?! You little brat! You're lying in front of my store! You're going to take away my customers!
Little Haku looked up and saw a warm yellow light coming from a bakery. He reached out his hand and-
-got whacked again.
Oi! Can't you hear me you little rump? Get lost!
Haku scurried out in a hurry but not fast enough to miss the little face of a child peeking out of the window. Her rosy cheeks and wide eyes looked surprisingly familiar...it reminded him of...someone.
But who?
An image of a girl clothed in white flitted across his vision.
Yuki?
Then the image was snatched from him. He looked around, dazed and found himself in a back alley without lights. Snow ontinuously fell around him.
Yuki...
It held a simple meaning- snow. Yet why was the word so special to him? Was it because he would die if he stayed out in the snow any longer? Looking around for a shelter, he spotted a huge dustbin next to the wall. With no options left, he opened the lid and dove in.
Uggh...it stinks in here.
And indeed it did stink for the dustbin that he was in was the ones from the shops where stale food was thrown away and the rancid smell of rotten food filled the air. Little Haku tried to find something edible in there by digging through the pile of junk.
Finally, he pulled out a half-bitten apple triumphantly. He dove his teeth into it hungrily. His stature was no longer that of a young boy but that of a ferocious beast. It was a human who had been pushed to his limits and would soon have to rely purely on his animal instinct in this cold and forbidding place to survive. It might have been better off if he had stayed in his old village. For this village did not welcome outsiders and emmitted a cold and unwelcoming vibe that can send a shiver down anyones spine, much more if it was just little Haku. It was as if the town was saying,
Get out. You don't belong here.
And in this cold and desolate village, little Haku would soon face many boulders in his young and still yet innocent life.
The days passed and Haku finally succumbed to fighting for food with...dogs.
It was a cold day and snow was still falling heavilly on the ground even though it was only noon. Winter seemed to last forever to little Haku. It became a battle that he had to fight...and win.
He was hiding behind the dustbin, waiting for the usual time that the shopkeepers would drop off their wastes and feed it to the dustbin...as well as the little boy who was hiding behind it.
As soon as the shopkeeper left, Haku dove out from his hiding place and spotted todays income.
Ahhh...I got lucky. Its from the bakery again!
He reached out hungrily to snatch the plastic bag up but something else was faster.
Grrrrrr...
Sharp teeth pierced through the plastic bag and it flew 1 metre away before Haku had any chance to react. Skidding and sliding over the slippery ice and snow, Haku grabbed the plastic bag triumphantly. An angry puppy was at his feet, growling insistently. In this cold weather, even the dogs were forced to fight for food.
Get out of here! This is mine!
The puppy launched itself at Haku, his teeth baring.
Grrr!
Go away! This is mine!
Haku kicked the puppy as hard as he could and sent it flying. The puppy landed on the soft snow, motionless. A larger dog immediately came to its side and nuzzled the puppy until it was able to stand. The larger dog then growled protectively at Haku, a motherly instinct.
Mother dog...
Haku's eyes softened for a moment, in pity. Not for the dog, but for himself. Even the lowest of the lowest had someone to comfort them and take care of them when they were hurt. Yet, he had nothing. Nothing to hang on to. All that he had was taken- no snatched was the right term- from him. Once again, Haku asked himself...
Why am I alive? Is. It to fight with dogs for food? Just...
Then he sighed. This was fate. He could do nothing about it. He walked away from the still growling dogs and started eating his newfound 'feast'. It was really just a few pieces of burnt bread or bread that had fallen in the floor, but it was a real treasure for Haku, who had nothing to eat in days.
This was the life of the poor orphan for many days, until one day...
Haku could find no food and was left to starve continuously for three days.
Is this it? Am i really going to die here?
He lay on the sidewalk, all energy drained out of him. He couldn't even move a muscle. The hustle and bustle of the villages lives seemed to whirl around him. They ignored him, not accepting him as one of their own. He was an outsider and always will be. His torn and tattered clothes didn't help much. Having been living in literally what was a garbage can for the whole month he started smelling like it too. Not like anyone would care how they smelled if they were trying to stay alive. Food was of utter importance and everything else was just...a luxury. His hair grew long and mattered, reaching until his waist. The poor child hadn't had a bath in weeks.
Suddenly, something poked his stomach. He opened his eyes and found two intense eyes staring down at him.
Ahhhh!
Pumped with energy and adrenaline at the shock, Haku scurried a short distance away, wondering who was it who woke him up from his near death.
The little girl cocked her plump head...
...but what Haku noticed the most was the small lump in her hand. A piece of bread.
He snatched it out of the little girl's hand and stuffed it into his mouth before she could do anything. The little girl had an expression of pure surprise and shock but she didn't back away.
What is your name?
It took him awhile to rrealize that it was the girl who was speaking. It was long since he had last heard human voices, even more sincere someone had last spoken to him. It took a long time for him to process the message such so that the little girl thought he could not understand her.
Can you...understand Japanese? Can you speak?
She looked at him like he was a rare animal, a curious thing that was not human.
Do they all look at me like that?
Haku realized.
I can speak.
He was still vary of the little girl, despite her just saving his life. Perhaps the bread was ridden with poison-
No. She wouldn't do that.
One look at her told him that she wasn't that kind of person.
Haku, what's yours?
He offered a slight but rusty bow in greeting. It had been long since the last time he had spoken that way- or spoken at all for that matter. He almost choked out the words, his throat was so dry. The little girl knew that.
Maybelline. Would you like some water?
Haku nodded earnestly. It was hard to find clean water out on the streets. You could suck on the ice from the snow, but little Haku wasn't strong enough for that yet. Last time he tried, he vomited for days on end and almost died of dehydration.
Maybelline! Where are you?
A woman's face appeared in the window. Haku gasped. It was the woman who had beat him a few weeks ago.
Hide!
The little girl pushed Haku out of sight and stood up.
I'm here! Sorry, mother!
The little girl pushed open the door to the shop open and was enveloped in her mother's embrace. The warmth of the shop swallowed her up, threatening to separate her and Haku forevet. A pang hit Haku's heart.
Where were you?! You made me worried!
Haku knew that what the woman said was the truth. Even if she was cruel to him, she was still human and loved her daughter.
Sorry mother...
The little girl hugged her mother back. But Haku could see that she was itching to turn, to look at the little boy that she left behind in the cold cold snow.
Come, I will give you some food to eat.
Her mother pulled the little girl into the kitchen, where the warm. smell was so strong that it even reached little Haku out in the snow.
But mother...
She really turned around now. But Haku was in hiding and she could not see him.
What's wrong, darling?
The woman looked at Maybelline. Her eyebrows were turned into a frown.
Nothing, mama. Let's go eat.
She grabbed her mother's hand and steered her towards the kitchen.
Haku sighed and disappeared into the darkness of the night. He finally realized that he didn't belong here.
I don't want to bring her any trouble. She shouldn't have to decide.
He sighed as he took one last look at the shop...and he never came back.
About a few minutes later, Maybelline rushed out into the snow with a bottle of water. All that greeted her was silence and darkness.
Haku...?
She looked around franticly but no one was there. She fell and her knees hit the snow with a soft thud. The bottle fell from her hand and the cap came off, spilling its contents onto the snow. The water immediately turned to ice in the cold night.
Where did you go, Haku?
She left the bottle with only half of its contents remaining in the snow, hoping that Haku would find it.
If I can't meet him...at least...please let him get this.
But when she checked again about an hour later, the bottle was still left there, out in the snow and was slowly turning to ice.
A tear slid down her pale little cheek as she realized that he wasn't coming back. And she never saw him again. Although, deep in her heart, she knew that he didn't belong here. He was a wanderer, looking for a meaning in life and trying to stay alive.