Spoilers: Season 4, Missing

Thanks Bay for the read through!

Arms of Refuge

Dr. Keller settled herself into the "guest" room on the midway station finding herself alone and awake for the first time since returning from New Athos. As the memories of painted faces and flying arrows came flooding in, uninvited, she found herself doubting this treasure of solitude she'd so longed for. Pleasant thoughts of returning to her childhood home and the arms of her father were soon replaced with troubling visions that stole away the safety she felt… soon she was reliving the whole ordeal against her will. "How long will it take to work through all the night terrors and fears," she asked herself, worried that they were taking deep roots in what was left of her confidence.

She was unprepared for the whole ordeal … unequipped to be of any help to Teyla. Sitting in the dark her head filled with haunting questions that could never be answered.

What if the men had waited a minute longer?

What if she hadn't gotten the gun away from Nabel?

What if the Bola Kai had checked out the fake address she'd given them?

What if Teyla had lost her baby?

All of it would have ended the same way … they'd be dead along with an innocent baby who'd yet to see his mother's face.

The thoughts were overwhelming and the walls were closing in causing her to slip from her room seeking some kind of diversion. Walking around the Midway Station her thoughts soon drifted to Ronon as they always did lately. He'd come to see her off and offer his support for which she'd always be grateful. She could still remember the worried look in his eyes as he waited beside her while the chevrons locked into place.

"Are you okay?" he'd asked for the hundredth time.

"I'll be fine … just need a little time with my dad … some comforts from home," she'd assured him, offering a smile that was only surface deep.

"Promise me you'll stop thinking about all of it and get some sleep … and eat!"

"I promise," she answered with a genuine smile. She loved the way he always wanted the best for her. More than that she knew he was worried and didn't know exactly what to say which made him all the more endearing. "I'll be back before you know it… promise."

He gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze as she moved forward toward the established wormhole. Turning at the last minute to offer a small wave he watched until the gate shut down hoping she'd keep her word … friends were hard to come by for the quiet soldier.

Making her way to the small dining room Jennifer checked out the offerings of MREs and frozen entrees that occupied the self-serve freezer and shelves. Deciding she really wasn't hungry she opted for a hot cup of tea and a snack pack of stale cookies. Soon enough she'll be eating a hot home cooked meal and enjoying the company of her dad whom she missed dearly… it was worth the wait.

On her second cup of tea it finally dawned on Jennifer that she needed a cover story. She couldn't just show up and expect her father to believe she "slipped in the shower" or "ran into a door", she needed a believable story to cover for the bruises and split lip, not to mention her fragile emotional state.

Coming up with a viable excuse for the physical injuries wouldn't be a problem but finding refuge in her father's arms without having to explain what she'd gone through would be a problem. She didn't want to cause him worry especially since it was just a three day leave - not enough time to dump and run even if she could tell him the truth. So once again she decided to pack it all away and deal with the experience once she got back to Atlantis. "Who knows … maybe it'll all work out without a major melt down just by being home," she thought to herself knowing she wasn't fooling anyone. Unless you'd been with the Stargate program you'd have no idea what the members of the expedition went through, let alone any kind of understanding.

She laid on her bunk making plans on what to tell her dad as she drifted into a restless sleep. This time tomorrow night she'd be sleeping in her own bed listening to the sounds of crickets and frogs through the opened window … a healing balm to her battered soul.

~OOO~

Ronon watched Teyla enter the mess hall on her way to the food line. It was good to see her finally out of the infirmary and healing quickly. As she scanned the dining room he gave her a slight nod knowing she'd join him.

"They finally let you go?" he smirked knowing she hated being confined as much as he did.

"Yes, it feels good to walk and stretch my muscles," she replied gingerly. "Not quite ready for any major exercising I am afraid," she added grimacing.

"Was Keller over reacting?" he questioned, thinking she didn't look that injured, at least not enough to keep her in the infirmary.

"She is very cautious and knew I had received quite a few hard blows," she explained hoping to change the subject and take the focus off herself. "Did you see her before she left?" Teyla asked wondering if he was beginning to view Jennifer as more than a friend.

"Yeah, she didn't look that good but promised to rest," he explained hoping he didn't sound overly concerned. "Are you sleeping?" he inquired, knowing she'd be worried about the fate of the Athosians. "You know Sheppard won't stop until we find your people," he offered reassuringly.

"I must find Nabel … he knows what happened to my people," she stated firmly.

"Sheppard's already working on it," Ronon explained, hoping to bring some kind of relief to his friend. "How did Jennifer do on the planet?" he asked moving her focus off Nabel, which seemed to consume her at the present time.

"At first she was terrified and offered very little help. I feared we would both be killed," she sighed wearily. "I believe she blames herself for my injuries … believes she was not prepared for the danger we faced."

"Was she?"

"No, but I believe she will not give up. With training and more experience I think she will overcome her fears. She was remarkable when we stumbled across Nabel … insisting she help treat his wounds knowing it might have caused our own demise. Finding herself in familiar circumstances seemed to calm her fears."

"Do you think she'll return?"

"Yes … I am certain. She saved my life too, Ronon. Had she not gotten the gun away from Nabel I know he would have killed me," she explained. Perhaps you could help with her training when she returns … help build her confidence."

"Thanks for helping her get some time with her dad … maybe that's all she needs. She's talked about him before … maybe she just needs one of those hugs."

"I am not sure that will be enough. Do you care for her?" she asked knowing his interest was a bit unusual.

"No," he quickly denied. "Yes … I'm not sure. What do you mean by care?"

"I have seen you spend more time with Jennifer … you seem more concerned for her well being as she does for you."

"We're just friends," he confessed, needing to change the subject once again. He did care about Jennifer but wasn't sure if it was anything deeper and didn't feel like discussing it.

Standing up he reached down taking Teyla's hand pulling her to her feet, "Come on, you look tired … I'll walk you to your room."

Surrendering to his care she decided it was just a growing friendship between her teammate and the doctor. Ronon had always been protective and caring for those he considered family. Perhaps Dr. Keller was the newest member of his inner circle … the ones he allowed to touch his heart. Whatever was happening, Teyla wanted to get to know the young healer better and perhaps help her grow beyond the limits she'd set upon herself.

~OOO~

After her meager breakfast of hot tea and a frozen sausage biscuit sandwich, Jennifer spent the rest of the morning re-packing her bag and rehearsing the combat story she's invented for her dad. "Maybe coming home wasn't such a good idea," she grumbled to herself. She'd been over this ground before but still hated the idea of having to lie to her father.

Soon, Dr. Lee called her to the gate room to continue her journey to Earth. Waiting for the wormhole to stabilize she fidgeted with her clothes wishing there were something she could do to cover the bruises. At least no one could see the deepening shades of purple on various parts of her body but there wasn't enough face powder in the galaxy to cover the damage the Bola Kai left on her face not to mention her split and swollen lip. Maybe she should have waited a week or two for this trip but then again now was the time she needed to feel the warm embrace of her father's arms.

Thanking Dr. Lee once again for his hospitality she walked through the event horizon and into the debarkation room at the SGC. Putting on her happy face Jen walked down the ramp to her greeting party … Dr. Lam, Daniel and, of course, Vala. She'd worked with Dr. Lam when she'd been contracted with Stargate Command before transferring to Atlantis and they'd also worked on a few intergalactic projects together. It felt good to be with old friends but she was having a hard time keeping her facade intact.

"Wish we had more time," Daniel said pointing to his watch. "We need to get you to Peterson to catch your lift."

"Are you okay?" Carolyn whispered as she gathered Jennifer into her arms.

"Working on it," she answered with a hitch in her voice. The Atlantis CMO worked hard to keep the tears at bay. "When will I be able to let go and have a proper meltdown?" she wondered selfishly.

"I'll be here when you come back through … maybe we can find a few minutes to catch up."

"I'd like that," she agreed hoping to make time. When you fly with the military you're at the mercy of their schedules. As much as she wanted to spend time with her old friends she knew better than to count on it.

~OOO~

General Landry had arranged for a military escort from Stargate to doorstep easing Jennifer's worries of having to explain her battered appearance to civilians along the way. It was a long trip … especially when comparing it to gate travel … but by nightfall she was handed off to the waiting arms of her father who'd been pacing the front porch since sundown. Following introductions and grateful words of appreciation, Jennifer allowed her father to escort her through the front door and into the safety of her childhood home as the young Lieutenant headed back toward the city.

After their initial greetings and customary bear hug, Matthew Keller ushered his daughter into the living room to the comfort of the crackling fire while he started a pot of tea. It may have been a bit early in the season to have the added warmth in the room but it's soothing properties outweighed any discomfort.

Once settled with a cup of hot tea to warm her hands Jennifer proceeded to try and still her father's fears, which were evident in his face.

"I'm okay Dad," she started, touching his knee re-assuredly as he sat beside her on the couch. "I know I look a bit worse for wear but truthfully I'm okay," she said, hating herself for deceiving her father. Again … what was she thinking coming home? There was no way she would add to his worry especially when she just had to leave in two days. No, the meltdown would definitely have to wait until she got back to the Pegasus, which was not what she wanted. She'd hoped to get through all the trauma and be back to her old self once she arrived back in Atlantis… this may take longer to work through than she'd thought. "But I know I'll be better with a few of your stellar bear hugs!" she smiled.

"So that's why you're here," he teased, knowing he'd get nothing more out of her tonight. "Well, I guess I'll just have to lavish you with some of my best hugs … I have a reputation to live up too," he laughed, pulling Jennifer closer, drawing her into his chest. "Thank you for coming, pumpkin, it does these old bones good to have you in my arms again." Matthew held her for a long time as the logs turned to embers knowing whatever had happened to his little girl, this is what she needed now.

~OOO~

Father and daughter spent their time enjoying the dog days of summer as they took in the farmer's market and annual craft fair ending the day with a wonderful dinner of fresh vegetables, homemade biscuits and fried chicken that her dad prepared while Jennifer took a much needed nap. Between running for her life and all the gate travel the past few days she was wore out more than she liked to admit.

"I haven't eaten this good since the last time I was home," she chuckled while finishing the last of her biscuit. "I'm thinking we should save dessert for later." She'd bought a homemade apple pie from one of the craft tables and hoped it was as good as it looked. Thinking it would make an excellent present for Ronon, she'd bought an extra one to slip in her bag.

Jennifer cleared the table and started a kettle of water boiling shooing her dad off to start a fire and pick out a movie. Once the tea was made and the dishes were soaking she wandered into the living room to put her feet up and snuggle with her dad.

"What are we watching tonight?"

"I'm thinking Notting Hill … one of your favorites," he said winking.

"If I'm not mistaken, this is one of your favorites too," she chuckled appreciating the care he took to pick something light hearted.

"Speaking of … is there anyone new in your life?" he asked hopefully. Matthew hated the thought of his little girl out there in dangerous situations without any protection.

Moving over to the coffee table he sat facing his daughter and took her hands in his own … time for a serious talk. "I know you can't say much but can you tell me what happened?" he asked gently touching her face.

"I hate having to keep things from you," she sighed. "I didn't think it would be so hard when I signed that blasted confidentiality agreement," she grumbled under her breath.

"I understand there are things you can't talk about … I won't ask for details but I need to know that you're safe. I need to know that this won't happen again," he said pleading for some kind of guarantee that he'd see his little girl again.

"I'm so sorry to put you through this," she answered, taking hold of both hands once again. "I can tell you this, I love my job … I can't imagine doing anything else. I'm working with an elite group of people who are brilliant and passionate and making a difference in this world. Its long hours with little time off and sometimes it's pretty scary but Dad… I know you'd be proud of me," she explained, scrambling to control her emotions.

"What about this?" he asked, nodding toward the bruises on her face. "Did you sign up for the physical abuse?"

"No, but I knew it was a possibility. Usually I'm on the other end … patching up the injured," she clarified. "But sometimes things don't go according to plan A and people get hurt."

"Is there anyone looking after you … someone worried enough to keep you safe?"

"I have a whole military contingent at my beck and call and these people are good … the best of the best. I know I can't stop you from worrying … let's face it Dad, you'd worry if I worked at the local hospital here in Chippewa Falls, but I promise you there are people who would lay down their lives to keep me safe."

"You never answered my question, is there anyone new in your life. Perhaps someone who's a bit more zealous than others to keep you out of harm's way?" he inquired, hesitating long enough to see the blush color her cheeks. Moving over to the couch he pulled his daughter close wrapping his arm around her snuggly. "I guess those rosy cheeks pretty much answered that question," he teased, kissing the top of her head. "Is he someone you can confide in … maybe someone I'd approve of?"

"He's been wonderful to me … not sure I'm really his type on a romantic level. But, yes Dad, he's a shoulder to cry on and he's even tried to fill in when I needed a hug … totally out of his comfort zone I might add." Looking up to meet her dad's eyes she continued, "You'd like him, Dad," she whispered.

"Are you suggesting that Hugh Grant is out of the running for the time being?" he smirked.

"Hugh doesn't hold a candle to Ronon … but yes, for now he's safe besides, I know I could take Julia if I had to," she giggled. "Now, start the movie while I'm still awake."

Matthew put the DVD in the player and settled back on the couch with his daughter by his side. As the credits began to role he added one last jab, "So … Ronon is it?"

Jennifer reached over jabbing her father in the arm playfully before slipping into passivity for the evening.

~OOO~

Ronon took a long hot shower after returning from their trade mission. It wasn't a particularly long day but he couldn't stop thinking about Jennifer. She'd be starting back to Atlantis tomorrow and he wondered if she'd found time to deal with the terror she'd had to endure on New Athos. It'd been just over a week since they'd gone in, guns blazing, to rescue the women. He could still picture the unsettling look on her face as she'd sat on the backbench in the jumper on their way back to Atlantis.

He knew she hadn't slept much if at all and in less than three full days she was on her way back through the wormhole to Earth. Did she make time to deal with all the nightmares … showered enough to remove the feel of the painted barbarians… cried enough to wash away the hardness that was settling in her heart. He knew she needed to deal with it before it became a part of her soul and he couldn't help but feel he'd failed her.

Checking the clock he quickly dressed making his way to the conference room for the debrief. As usual, he paid little attention to what was discussed instead he continued to think about his friend, wondering if she was back to Cheyenne Mountain … wondering if she was okay.

As the meeting ended Ronon waited until everyone filed out before approaching Colonel Carter for a favor.

~OOO~

After another night of restless sleep Jennifer awoke to the smell of bacon and blueberry muffins. Taking a long hot shower before joining her father at the kitchen table, she settled into their normal routine of reading the newspaper while sharing breakfast together. The silence was comforting … neither feeling they needed to fill the void with idle chatter.

Once the paper was scoured for anything of importance Matthew moved to the stove to start another pot of water boiling and suggested they move out to the front porch.

"This is my favorite time of day," Jen sighed hugging her cup of hot tea, "before the demands of life get frantic."

"Are you all packed?" Matthew asked, knowing the military were a punctual bunch.

"Yes," she sighed. "Not sure when I'll have time off again … I'll email you as soon as I can, let you know I got home okay."

They both spotted the military car approaching at the same time, registering their time together was over. Matthew stood pulling his daughter into his arms for one last bear hug before saying good-bye.

~OOO~

Dr. Keller arrived back at the SGC with little time to spare. Daniel picked Jen up at Peterson giving her a few added minutes to catch up and him another opportunity to examine her wounds. Seeing the bruises were fading and her lip was healing he resigned himself to Atlantis taking over her treatment knowing they'd take good care of her.

"Sorry you don't have time to relax but Atlantis wants you back and there's still that 24-hour stay on Midway."

"I understand," she sighed. Standing at the foot of the ramp she turned and put her arms around her dear friend and gave him one last hug as the wormhole stabilized. "As much as I hate gate travel, it was worth it. Give Vala my love."

"She is going to hate that she missed you," he frowned, thinking about the rant he was going to endure on her return. "Stay safe," he whispered leaning down to kiss her cheek.

Jennifer could feel the tears filling her eyes as she turned her back to the embarkation room and started her walk to the event horizon. Stepping into the wormhole her thoughts were of the meltdown that surely awaited her on the Midway station and hoped it would wait until she was safely settled in her room.

Ronon watched the chevrons lock into place wondering if he'd misjudged the situation. Maybe she didn't need him … maybe she'd already dealt with the trauma … maybe she'd rather be alone.

Jennifer stumbled through the event horizon taking a moment to steady herself. Standing at the top of the ramp she looked beyond to see Ronon standing a few feet away waiting for her. The tears she'd held for so many days refused to be confined any longer as she quickly made her way down the ramp and into his arms. Sinking further into his chest she felt his arms surround her and finally allowed herself the luxury of falling apart.

Ronon continued to hold her, rubbing her back as she clung to his chest. He'd arranged with Dr. Lee to meet her alone without a military presence in the small gate room in case she needed the privacy. Now as she poured out her heart he was thankful for the arrangement he'd made.

As the tears were spent and the sobbing controlled, she quickly thanked him for meeting her … for being such a good friend. Giving her a gentle squeeze Ronon picked up her bag and guided her out of the gate room toward their meager accommodations.

After the door was closed he apologized for having to bunk together but, as usual, there was limited space on the Midway Station. Dr. Lee had offered to have Ronon bunk with him so Jennifer could have a room to herself but Ronon declined not wanting her to be alone.

"I can always bunk with Dr. Lee if you'd like some privacy," he offered, reluctantly.

"I'd like you to stay if you don't mind," she answered shyly.

"I'll be here," he assured. Ronon kept an eye on her doing a silent evaluation. Something was wrong … more than the normal trauma associated with what the mission reports had stated … not that what she and Teyla had been through wasn't extremely traumatic but he could tell she was holding something back. He planned on knowing what that was before the night was over.

She heaved a sigh of relief knowing he'd be there to protect her through the night and perhaps keep the nightmares at bay.

"How'd it go with your dad?"

"It was good… he's worried but I did my best to assure him I'm safe…told him I have the best of the best guarding me," she added with a faint smile.

"Did you take time for yourself?" he asked already knowing the answer.

"I guess we both know the answer to that question," she grumbled sarcastically. "I just couldn't dump on my dad and then dry my tears and leave … it didn't seem right."

"Did you rest … eat?"

"Rested a lot in the evening watching movies but the nights are still rough. I'm hoping it will all settle down once we get home," she said hoping it'd be true. "As for the eating, my dad filled me full of homemade biscuits and fried chicken … no wonder I had nightmares," she chuckled nervously.

"Now you have me hungry! Do you feel like looking through the kitchen for something to eat?" Ronon asked as his stomach started growling sending them both into fits of laughter. He reached down giving her a hand up as they moved toward the door.

"Wait … I brought you a present," she declared, remembering the apple pie she'd stashed in her duffle. Reaching in under the sweatpants and shirts she'd used as protection she pulled out the perfectly intact dessert presenting it with a smile.

"So … I guess all we need is a couple of forks," he grinned.

"I'm sure we can find those in the "mess hall" she smirked knowing it housed only enough room for two small tables."

Starting down the corridor he reached over taking her hand protectively, lacing their fingers together. The enjoyment he felt at her touch confirmed his desire to care for her, to keep her from harm … at least that's what he'd told himself refusing to think it was anything more.

After indulging in apple pie and hot tea the two friends headed back to their room with clean forks and the remains of their dinner in hand. Ronon planned on finishing it off before the night was over.

"Got anything else hidden in that bag?" he asked mischievously.

"You can't possibly still be hungry," she scolded teasingly.

"I'm a growing boy," he grinned patting his stomach.

"I brought back a big box of popcorn for Teyla … I'm sure she won't mind if we eat a bag. Why don't you see if there're any good DVDs while I go pop this in the microwave?" she suggested.

"You look … I'll make the popcorn," he instructed taking the bag and slipping out the door. The last thing he wanted was for her to have to engage in any kind of conversation with the Marines stationed on Midway.

Jennifer picked out a suitable movie of interest to both of them and proceeded to get the room ready. Quickly changing into a pair of lounge pants and a comfortable tank top she pulled the pillows off the top bunk and the extra blanket at the foot of the bed placing them against the wall on the floor across from the TV.

Ronon found her all snuggled up in the blanket when he returned with the popcorn. Pressing the play button and turning off the light he joined Jennifer on the floor putting the bag between them as the movie started to play.

By the time the film had ended stray kernels of popcorn decorated the blanket and Jennifer had snuggled up to Ronon trying her hardest to stay awake. It'd been a long emotional day starting with saying good-bye to her father followed with a tearful reunion with Ronon. She was ready to try sleeping hoping the emotional fatigue would work it's magic.

"I'll clean all this up in the morning," she offered, moving to stand up. "Would you like the top or bottom bunk?"

"Not yet … I want you to tell me what happened on New Athos," he began trying not to be too forceful as he held her in place.

"I thought you read the mission reports?"

"I did … read everything that was written up, several times but now I want you to tell me what you left out."

"What are you talking about? I'm sure I covered everything," she insisted wondering what he was referring to. "I think it's pretty obvious I wasn't any help to Teyla and almost got us both killed … didn't think I needed to include that in the report," she smirked sarcastically.

Reaching the DVD controller he pressed the power button plunging the room into darkness as he continued his gentle interrogation. "Jennifer, I've seen you flinch and know you have a lot of bruises to your body … other injuries you didn't talk about in your report," he continued, feeling her tense.

Jen sat in the darkness panicking … she didn't want to talk about any of it. Just wanted it to go away so she could get on with her life. What good would it do to talk about all the embarrassing details … confess all the shameful particulars.

Ronon reached over pulling her closer as she tried to move away. "No…," he stated while holding firm, tucking her against his chest. "I need you to talk to me, I need to know what happened." He worried about crossing the line, insisting on details she wasn't ready to share … with anyone. Feeling her relax in his arms he'd given up trying to get her to talk and settled for holding her instead realizing she wasn't ready to deal with it just yet. After a long spell of running his hand down her arm he was rewarded with the information he sought.

"I was so scared. Teyla kept telling me to be strong … encouraging me that we would live through this. I kept repeating that over and over in my head. I will live through this, I will live through this, I will live through this, but when they dragged her back to the cage and I was left along with the men …," Jennifer whispered as her words trailed off into silence.

Ronon didn't push her but his blood began to boil as she slowly poured out her soul. He could feel her reach up and run her hand over the bruises on her face before she started again.

"At first they kept demanding to know the gate address to Atlantis. I knew I couldn't give it to them … not when it meant that everyone on Atlantis would be in jeopardy. So I stayed silent and one of the men would backhand me across the face. After they did that for a few minutes then another bigger, stronger man came in and asked again what the address was but this time he punched me in the stomach each time I refused to answer. I really believed I could handle it … could take it all and even die if I had to," she confessed, pleading with her sobs for him to understand.

"Then the leader interrupted yanking me to my feet and dragging me to this big table across the room. He threw me against one end kicking my feet apart then standing over me as he shoved my face into the tabletop." Jennifer stopped suddenly gasping for air as she tried to control her crying. Why did she think she could just bottle this up and hope it would just go away? "I remember trying to move … trying to get out from under him but he was way too strong for me," she rambled on feeling the guilt again for not being equipped to take care of herself.

After gaining more control of her emotions she began again talking so softly she could barely be heard. "He pressed his body into mine and then leaned over and began to whisper in my ear all the things he was going to do to me if I didn't give him what he wanted. The harder he pushed my shoulders into the table the harder it was to breathe. When he started moving his hands over my body I broke and gave him what he wanted," she cried.

"Shhhh, you did good and you're safe now," he told her pulling her by the waist into his lap. He wanted to comfort her, to convey how proud he was of her for making it through the whole ordeal.

"No!" she yelled at him pulling back enough to pound her fists into his chest. "I didn't do good. I buckled the minute it got too personal, the minute it …it … it cost too much. I wanted to protect everyone but all I protected was myself," she proclaimed. She slumped back into his chest, her anger and humiliation spent. "I wanted to make you proud, make all of you proud but if you hadn't arrived before they dialed the fake address we would have been killed. It would have all been for nothing. I'm so ashamed," she quietly cried, letting out all the emotions she'd buried for the last week.

"I don't belong here but I don't want to be anywhere else."

"You'll get through this … I'll help you," he promised holding her close. He was proud of her… proud that she'd done everything she could to stay alive until he'd come for her. Now he just needed Jen to understand how important she was to Atlantis. He wasn't about to let her go.

Picking her up Ronon settled her on the bottom bunk then crawled in beside her. It was a tight fit on the small mattress but he planned on holding her tight all night so it didn't matter the size. He insisted on hearing the missing details so he had no one to blame but himself for the knot in his stomach. He was determined to do everything in his power to see that she'd never be put in harms way again. But "hoping" didn't work out half as much in the Pegasus as it did on Earth. What was it Jen always said … hope for the best but plan for the worst? If nothing else, he planned on being there if the worst should happen again.