I want to apologize for being away for so long, but I think I've done that enough lol. Just know that I don't intend to leave this story incomplete. I will finish it, even if it takes a while.

With that being said, I finally finished the fourth chapter! Go me! I'm once again back in school and might even be going to Japan in the spring, so that'll be exciting!

I'm sure you guys are wondering if Antonio and Lovi will be "Taking their relationship to the next step" in this story, right? It's still so early, but I'm thinking of changing rating on this fic. Plus, to ask you guys if you're fine if I write smut in such a sweet fanfic like this one?

So it is a school night, I'm sleepy and it's almost midnight. I didn't really edit this, so if there are mistakes, I'll fix them later. But please, I hope you enjoy reading and feel free to drop a review or something. I'll work hard to get the next chapter out, I feel bad for always making you guys wait!

Chapter 4. "I understood myself, after I destroyed myself.

And only in the process of fixing myself,

did I know who I really was.

Early morning sunlight filtered in through the blinds, causing Lovino to stir in Antonio's arms. His eyes fluttered open and he took a moment to appreciate the warmth of being completely enveloped by the Spaniard.

Antonio was really good looking. Lovino had always thought so. Even now, when he was sleeping peacefully beside him. His breaths were soft and Lovino sighed as he lightly nuzzled closer. He wished that today wasn't their first day of classes. He wanted to just lay in bed with Antonio for the entire day.

Groaning, he pulled away from the warmth and slid out of the bed. Antonio stirred and yawned as he rolled over to his side. Lovino harrumphed at the action and made his way to the dresser. He decided on a white sweater and black jeans and yawned as he walked over to the bathroom to shower.

"Loviiiiii~" Antonio whined sleepily from the bed, lazily beckoning him over.

"We have to get ready, idiot." Lovino simply said from the doorway. "Just… go back to sleep or whatever." With that he closed the door and left the Spaniard alone.

Lovino stripped naked and turned the shower on. As he waited for the water to heat up a little, his eyes wandered to the mirror over the sink. There was no ribcage showing anymore. His stomach didn't curve inwards as it had once done. He frowned slightly as he thought about he and Antonio's conversation last night…. Would he still find Lovino attractive?

He quickly shook those thoughts away. Antonio never liked it when he talked that way. He tested the water out with the back of his hand and once he deemed it warm enough, he climbed in and let the water slowly wake him up from his drowsy state.

In the other room Antonio sulked and slid further into the blanket. Well, what fun was sleeping if he couldn't cuddle up to Lovino? He sighed and rolled out of bed, his knees hitting the floor as he sluggishly crawled across the room to the dresser. He pulled out fresh clothes, then made his way into the kitchen. There was no way Lovino was going to class hungry.

He pulled out a pan and took two eggs out from the fridge. Antonio knew he had always had a lot of habits when it came to cooking. One of them was humming any tune that came to mind. He toasted two slices of bread and swayed to the song he was currently humming.

He heard the bathroom door opening and closing and footsteps crossing the room, but he didn't react. He found that if Lovino didn't get proper attention, he'd find a way to demand it from Antonio. It was very amusing to do from time to time.

"What are you making?" Lovino asked and stood beside him. He had the towel draped over his head and Antonio made a soft titter of acknowledgement as he transferred one of the eggs onto the bread slices.

"An egg sandwich. Breakfast is important." He said proudly and held it out for him to take.

Lovino rolled his eyes but took the sandwich nonetheless. He held it up to his lips and nibbled on some of the egg, his eyes never leaving Antonio's.

"...Aren't you nervous?"

Antonio took the toast from the toaster and placed the egg on it as he had done with Lovino's. "About classes? To be honest, I've been so focused on you, I didn't really think about it until now." Antonio admitted sheepishly.

Lovino blushed and finally took a bite of the sandwich. "Understandable." He mumbled, his heart fluttering when Antonio laughed.

"I'm glad it is~" Antonio nodded and set his sandwich down so he could take a hold of the towel and gently dry Lovino's hair. He was careful to avoid that one wayward curl, and Lovino relaxed into the touch, silently eating as Antonio worked.

"You look beautiful, my love." Antonio said honestly once he was finished. He picked the sandwich back up and leaned back onto the counter to appreciate his work.

Lovino rolled his eyes. "It's too early for your fucking seductive charms."

Antonio's smile widened in amusement. "You think it's seductive?"

"Get in the shower already, idiot."

Antonio laughed as he leaned forward to place a wet kiss on Lovino's cheek, who made a disgruntled face at the action and wiped vigorously at his face. "Okay. You're too cute." He sighed happily and finished his sandwich before beginning to pull his shirt off.

"Wha- DON'T DO THAT HERE!" Lovino screeched and pushed the Spaniard toward the bedroom. "S-stupid perverted…"

"But you've seen me without my shirt, Lovi!" Antonio whined, pulling the bottom of the shirt up to expose his exceptionally toned stomach. He wasn't even one to work out much. How the hell did he stay so fit!?

A fierce blush marred Lovino's face and he immediately pulled away. "I-I know, but… you bastard, don't you even remember what you said last night?"

Antonio tilted his head and blinked. "About wanting to sleep with you?"

"URGH!" Lovino's hands flew up to his ears and he began walking away in embarrassment. "Let's just drop it, it's too early for this shit-"

"Because what I said was true. I don't care how you look, Lovi. I just want to be able to love you properly." Antonio spoke over Lovino, who paused mid-step. "And… I hope you won't care either. I hope you'll accept me, because I love you so much."

Lovino's face was burning, he could feel the blush running up to his ears and down his neck. His heart was pounding in his chest and his throat felt dry. "...Of course I won't care..." He murmured breathlessly. He turned to face Antonio, who was grinning and beckoning him to come closer.

Antonio's arms wound themselves around his waist and he leaned down to rest his chin on his shoulder. "Oh, Lovi. I love you so much. I hope you always know that." He sighed.

"Y-yeah… I know…. I l-love you too, Antonio..." He fumbled over his words, his voice muffled thanks to Antonio.

"Ah, I better hurry, we only have twenty minutes." Antonio suddenly said as he pulled away. He let his thumb brush over Lovino's eyelashes lightly, smiling at how the smaller frowned and squinted his eye. He placed a few more kisses, as much that were allowed, before deciding he really should be getting ready. It would be bad if he were late for his first class.

After hearing the bathroom door close and the shower turn on, Lovino let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. He retrieved his phone from their bedroom and began formulating a text. Within minutes, he pressed send and bit his lip as he waited for a reply.

'Antonio wants to sleep with me.'

He didn't expect an answer straight away, so when his phone buzzed numerous times, he jumped, his eyes widening as he opened them.

Al: 'HOLY SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS!?'

Al: 'THIS IS FUCKING HUGE, YOU KNOW?

Al: 'I DON'T EVEN THINK YOUR DIRTY AF BROTHER HAS DONE THE DEED WITH LUDWIG!'

Lovino's face contorted in disgust, and he quickly typed back a response.

Lovi: 'Ew. Why are you even saying that shit? I don't want to think of that'

He heard the shower being turned off and tapped his foot impatiently on the floor as he waited for Alfred's answer. He felt a bit bad that Alfred was the person he went to during these situations, instead of his own brother. But Alfred knew what sort of mindset he has. He can probably understand Lovino more than anyone….

Other than Antonio.

His phone buzzed once more.

Al: 'Sorry, sorry! This really is big though! What do you think of it?'

Lovino heard Antonio whistling as the bathroom door opened and he began dressing in their bedroom. With door fucking wide open. Lovino inwardly cringed.

Lovi: 'To be honest, I don't really know… I'm nervous. But I trust Antonio.'

"Lovi? Are you done eating?" Antonio called out as he stumbled into the room with a black and red t-shirt and loose jeans. Lovino gulped and quickly stuffed the rest of the sandwich into his mouth before answering.

"Y-yeah..." He mumbled out, hearing his phone buzz.

'Awww that's nice. Well, whatever you decide on doing, I'm sure you two will always be together. Wear protection though!'

Lovino blushed furiously and started texting Alfred back, when Antonio stepped closer and tried to peak over to Lovino's phone's screen. "Who are you texting? Feli?"

Lovino's hands flew up to push Antonio away and he couldn't help but cry an enthusiastic "YES!"

Antonio looked baffled, but he laughed and gently took one of Lovino's hands that was firmly planted on his chest, holding it tightly. "I'm glad you two seem to be getting along much better now." He said happily.

Lovino shoved his phone back into his pocket and hummed in agreement. He felt bad about lying to Antonio, but what could he tell him? That he was texting Alfred, telling him about their plans for maybe becoming more intimate!? God no.

"I have to brush my teeth still." Lovino huffed as Antonio's lips brushed against the corner of his mouth.

"I do too~" Antonio replied easily, teasingly licking Lovino's upper lip.

Lovino immediately scrambled to get away, his face getting hot once more. "You-! You're a lot more comfortable with this sort of thing now…!" Lovino growled as he stomped off toward the bathroom.

Antonio laughed and followed him. "And is that a bad thing?"

"It's a weird thing!" Lovino mumbled angrily.

Antonio couldn't help the wide grin on his face as he and Lovino brushed their teeth together. In all honesty, Antonio was loving this new air they had about them. Lovino was still just as cute as ever, and sometimes Antonio wondered if maybe he was taking things too far, or rushing him…. But Lovino never told him to stop or that he didn't like it, so he decided not to dwell too much on that thought.

When they finished brushing their teeth, Lovino ushered Antonio out of their apartment and the two began their trek up to the school.

Since it was morning, the air was much cooler and the trees blocked whatever early morning sunlight there was. Antonio immediately noticed Lovino shivering.

"Ah, I should've brought a jacket for you." Antonio said as he reached over to wrap his arm around Lovino's slender waist.

Lovino glanced around them, making sure no one was watching before fully relaxing into the touch. "I'm fine. Aren't you cold?" He asked, looked down at Antonio's hand on his hip.

Antonio smiled and shook his head. "Not at all. My love for you warms me right up~"

"Oh my god that was lame." Lovino groaned and Antonio laughed.

"But in all seriousness," Antonio continued, clasping Lovino's hand and holding it up to his lips. "I don't like it when you're cold. Normally you're very warm."

Lovino blinked and stared at Antonio, who was focused on trying to warm Lovino's hand. "…Is it because of back then?… When I was cold all the time?" He asked hesitantly.

Antonio frowned, which Lovino hated, because it doesn't suit him at all. "...Yeah."

They continued walking in a peaceful silence, Lovino in awe at how much Antonio cared. Their shoes were the only sound between them as they stepped on the concrete sidewalk.

"… I'll being a jacket tomorrow." Lovino suddenly said, breaking the silence.

Antonio nodded and the smile was back on his face and made Lovino relax. "Okay. I love you." Antonio said happily as he leaned in to place a kiss on Lovino's cheek.

Lovino didn't move and Antonio's lips softly pressed against his cheek. His body felt warmer and he looked down at his feet as the warmth heated his face. "L-love you too..."

~oO0Oo~

They made it to the campus and Antonio insisted on walking Lovino to his first class for the day, which Lovino argued against, but in the end let him did as he pleased. Antonio's class was only in the next building anyway.

Right outside of the classroom, Lovino turned to Antonio and crossed his arms, leaning against the wall next to the classroom door. Other students were filing into the room, so Lovino spoke quickly and quietly. "I'll text you when I'm done. We can go have lunch or something before my next class." He said as Antonio's smile grew.

"Okay! Have fun my love~" Antonio replied happily as he moved to kiss Lovino, but was pushed gently away.

"N-not here, idiot!" Lovino grumbled and glanced around to see if anyone was paying attention to them.

Antonio chuckled and let his fingers carefully intertwine with Lovino's. "Ahh… Fine then. I already can't wait to get back to the apartment so I can shower your lovely face with kisses."

Lovino blushed and turned to walk into the classroom, muttering an embarrassed goodbye as he did so.

He easily found a seat near the front and tossed his bag next to the seat as he sat down. He had heard from all sorts of people in high school and home that college was intimidating, but he had never felt that it was. He contributed it to the fact that Antonio was right there with him. He briefly wondered how his brother was doing, if he made it to class and if he was nervous on his first day.

A bag plopped down beside him and he startled, looking up in shock as Sadik stood over him, a wide grin on his face.

"Hey there!" He greeted happily.

Lovino couldn't help but tense, but nodded. "...Hey..." He murmured.

Sadik took the seat beside Lovino and sighed, running his hand through his messy hair. Lovino noticed the guy had stubble and overall looked a little disheveled. His clothes were loose and baggy and a little frayed here and there, and he seemed out of breath.

"...Rough morning…?" Lovino asked.

Sadik laughed and shook his head. "Not so much as rough as rushed. I had to make sure my brother was taken to school."

Lovino nodded and said nothing. He thought about how Antonio had reacted to the last time Sadik tried talking to him. A spark of anger flickered inside Lovino. Was that a bit too controlling? Was Antonio seriously overreacting?

He glanced wearily at Sadik, who merely smiled. This guy couldn't be too bad, could he?

~oO0Oo~

At the end of the class, Lovino quickly packed his things and tried to exit the classroom quickly, but Sadik stopped him.

"Wait! Um… Lovino, right? When's your next class? If you want, we could go and get lunch or something. My treat!" Sadik offered.

Lovino pretended to take a moment to think about it, but he shook his head and began walking away. "Sorry, I'm kinda busy." Lovino told him, and hoped Sadik would just leave it at that.

He pulled out his phone and made sure to text Antonio that he was out of class, then texted Feliciano to make sure his first day went okay.

Unsurprisingly, it was Feliciano that answered first.

Feli: 'My day is going great! I just got done with my first class, my second one starts in a few minutes. How about you, Lovi?'

Lovino stopped outside of the building to text his brother.

Lovi: 'Great. It went okay. I'm meeting up with Antonio to get lunch.'

Feli: 'Oh? Are you going into town? Have fun!~'

Lovino rolled his eyes and just when he was going to slip his phone back into his pocket, it buzzed once more.

Antonio: Ah, I'll be right there my love. Wait for me~'

Lovino shoved his phone into his pocket and crossed his arms as he leaned against the wall. Antonio was such a sap.

He didn't have to wait long before Antonio was happily jogging up to him, enveloping him in a hug. "How'd your first class go?" He asked as soon as they pulled apart.

Lovino thought about Sadik, but decided not to tell Antonio about it. He seemed to be in a good mood anyway. "It was… good. I know I'm gonna get bored as fuck in it in the future though." Lovino answered and started walking alongside the Spaniard.

Antonio nodded understandingly and sighed. "I know what you mean. The class is boring, but! I made a friend with the person sitting next to me and she shared her food with me!" He grinned.

"Are you even hungry then?" Lovino laughed softly, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Antonio laughed and Lovino watched as his hair bounced with his movements. "As a matter of fact, I am! Where do you want to go?" He let his fingers brush against Lovino's.

Lovino felt a blush rising in his cheeks. What was wrong with him? He and Antonio had been together for a decently long time, why was he still blushing like a school girl!? He frowned and looked at his feet as he tried to think of a place they could eat. "...How about a deli?"

Antonio nodded and began walking a bit faster. "Yeah! That sounds great, actually. I think I saw one not far from our apartment."

Lovino nodded and kept pace with Antonio, stuffing his hands further into his pocket to prevent the Spaniard from taking a hold of them. He knew Antonio would want to try something as soon as they got away from the bustle of campus.

"Ah, by the way. The therapist called, she wants another follow up sometime this month." Antonio said gently, his eyes concentrated on Lovino.

He sighed and his shoulders slumped a bit. "Why? I haven't-"

"I know, but I think it's a good thing! Besides, I'll go with you and we'll get it over and done with. Okay?" Antonio interrupted Lovino, grinning as he linked arms with the Italian. "And don't think I didn't notice what you were trying to pull there. Let me be romantic with you! Nobody will care!" He whined and tugged at Lovino's arm playfully.

Lovino rolled his eyes, but didn't pull away when Antonio pulled Lovino's hand out from his pockets and linked theirs together. "If you say so..." He didn't even know what he was responding to, but Antonio always made his life seem calm, manageable.

"Ah, by the way… Feli texted me earlier. He wants us to have dinner with Ludwig's family. They're coming for a short visit and I guess already picked out the restaurant." Antonio began softly. Lovino imagined himself getting annoyed by the news, but Antonio's hand in his seemed to distract him from what he normally would make a fuss about.

"That's fine. I don't want Feli to be mad at me anymore." Lovino murmured.

Antonio nodded and a small grin spread on his face. "And another by the way..."

"Oh, c'mon, what else is there!?" Lovino complained, giving Antonio a critical look.

The Spaniard merely laughed, but it was different, lower than his usual tone. It made Lovino shiver. "I promise, last one! I was thinking of a way to put what I said the other day..."

Lovino stared blankly at Antonio, wondering just what the hell he was talking about. Then it clicked in him.

Dammit.

"Don't fucking bring that up here and now!" Lovino squeaked, and quickly turned away from Antonio's slightly embarrassed smile.

"Well, I just feel like we might push it completely under the rug if I don't!"

Lovino tried rolling his eyes, but knew he was too embarrassed to be showing any real amount of annoyance. "...Says the guy that won't fucking tell me about his family."

Antonio paused, his eyebrows raising and his mouth making a small 'o'. "….I thought I already did?" He asked in surprise.

Lovino scoffed. "That wasn't much. You know so much about me and yet I feel like I don't really know you. It makes me uneasy." He admitted, biting his lip as he awaited an answer.

Damn Antonio for not talking. It felt like minutes went by and the only sound was that of their shoes hitting the pavement or the cars driving by. "…...I suppose you're right… But like you said, not here or now." He replied calmly, a small smile slowly working its way back onto his face. "I'm with you, living with you, I want to live in the moment right now." He brought Lovino's hand up to his mouth and gave the back of it a gentle kiss.

Lovino's heart felt like it was going to beat out of its chest. He was so caught up in Antonio's display of affection, he nearly missed what Antonio had just said, that he had avoided the conversation once again. But Lovino agreed with him. It might not be the best time to start talking like that, so he left it alone for now. Right now, he just wanted to sit with Antonio, maybe hold hands under the table, and hope his next class was less boring than earlier.