Disclaimer: I own nothing but the original characters and the situations I put them in. Everything else belongs to somebody else and that's just the way it's going to stay for the time being. Thanks to all my loyal readers out there, I hope you enjoy this latest chapter!

Measuring Up

"And I never said I couldn't live without him." Nanao muttered, more to herself than her amused audience. "I just said that it was my duty to go into battle with him. Stupid captain, twisting my words around." Stabbing her chopstick into her noodles harder than was entirely necessary Nanao had been doing a lot of muttering about her captain since she'd arrived to join her friends for lunch. "As if he were to die for. Gerald Butler is worth dying for. Big difference between the two."

Patting Nanao on the shoulder Matsumoto gave her an appropriate sympathetic look, even though she agreed with the generally population's opinion that Nanao and her captain were made for each other. Nanao was pretty much the only person who refused to realize this and nothing anyone said appeared to sink in, nor would it, until Nanao was good and ready. "Well that's Captain Kyoraku for you, only hearing what he wants to hear."

"Exactly."

"Well I wish you guys had woken me up." Yachiru mumbled, her childish face in a pout. "I would have had lots to say about the guys! And I missed out on what you guys said about my Kenny!"

"Like I told you, we didn't say anything bad about him." Well that wasn't exactly the truth, but close enough as far as Matsumoto was concerned. Besides, the last thing this day needed was for one of them to set Yachiru off on one of her little rampages. She liked her face the way it was, thank you very much. "We just talked about how men in your division tend not to be interesting in dating, that's it." Which lended credibility to Nemu's theory about them all be gay, but that could just remain unsaid for now.

Yeah, her men were such idiots when it came to women. Yachiru doubted very much that they even realized women had been put into the world with a purpose other than to provide them with more people to fight with. It was sad really. Not that she wanted her Kenny to start to dating, cause that just wasn't allowed. She'd bite anyone who tried to get her claws into her captain, who was like a father to her. No one was good enough for him as far as she was concerned. Not that she really needed to worry, since her captain never showed any interest in any girls anyways.

"Excuse me."

All the female heads turning they looked up expectantly at Kira, who smiled back at them hesitantly. "I was just wondering if any of you knew what was wrong with Renji san."

Looking at each other the girls all shook their heads in the negative. "Maybe Kuchiki tore him a new one?" Yachiru suggested with a mischievous grin as she winked at the blonde lieutenant who blushed in response. "Bya-kun did seem a little off this morning. Maybe he took out his bad mood on Ren kun."

"That could be it. I tried to ask him about it and he just got more upset." Scratching the back of his head Kira shrugged. "I guess he'll tell me when he's ready."

Giving her friend a sympathetic pat on the arm Matsumoto paused when she caught sight of Rukia walking over towards them. "Well here's a chance to ask someone who knows both the men in question. Hey, Rukia. Do you know why Renji's got his tail in a knot?"

"It's because I dragged him to the fourth division. He's sick but he doesn't want to admit that he is. I got him to the waiting room and then out of nowhere he bolted on me. I don't know where he is, the jerk." Scowling Rukia stopped in front of the table to stand beside Kira. "Why, have you guys seen him?"

"I ran into him a half an hour ago." Kira explained, looking worried again. "He didn't seem sick, just depressed about something."

"Well just let him sulk, the baby." Pulling out her sheets of paper with her list on them Rukia held them out to Matsumoto, who took them with a questioning look on her face. "Sorry to bother you, Matsumoto san, but I wanted to get your opinion on it."

Reading down the list Matsumoto looked back and forth between the chart and the number explanations, Yachiru hopping onto the tenth division's shoulder so that she could see as well. Amused as she read over the results Matsumoto paused as an idea occurred to her. Renji was Rukia's best friend after all and Rukia did tend to forget that there were just some things girls didn't talk about with guys. Especially when it was something like this. "Renji kun didn't see this by any chance, did he?"

"Uh huh. I dropped it and he picked it up. Why?"

"Well that explains the mood he's in. I'm sorry to tell you this, Kira, but I don't think Renji's mood is going to be improving any time soon." Ouch, talk about taking some hits, Matsumoto thought as she looked up from the chart. Getting these sorts of scores was bad enough, but Ichigo getting better marks must have sent the hot tempered redhead straight through the roof. Poor guy. And Rukia had absolutely no idea, Matsumoto marveled, wondering how that was possible. Not even Zaraki was that dense.

Puzzled Kira looked from the notes to Matsumoto's smirking face. He was missing something here, he could feel it. "How come?"

"Cause Rukia chan went and castrated him." Was Yachiru's cheerful reply.

While Kira went as white as a sheet and Rukia loudly declared her innocence of the charge Nemu took her usual seat beside Nanao, looking with interest at Yachiru. "Someone's been castrated? That's not good, you can't reattach that."

Choking on her tea Nanao marveled at Nemu's unplanned but perfect timing. Of all the things to say.

"I did not castrate Renji." Perilously close to stomping her foot Rukia looked up beseechingly at the still pale Kira. "I didn't! I swear!"

"You might as well have." Was Matsumoto's muttered reply, even as she snickered at Nemu's comment. "Anyway, seeing as you're too young to get it, take some advice from an elder. Go find Renji, tell him that list was just a joke, and buy him dinner. If you don't, he's going to be a real pain in the ass to deal with. It's a guy thing."

"They should come with manuals." Doing some muttering of her own Rukia saw no reason why she should have to buy Renji dinner. Of course she didn't get how her list would figuratively castrate him either. What was the big deal, it wasn't like he was in love with her or anything. Geez, men were such babies sometimes. Why couldn't they all be like her brother, he wouldn't get all bent out of shape like this.

"What is this list anyway?" Kira wanted to know, almost afraid to ask. If Rangiku was involved, and it was bad enough to send Renji off the deep end, it had to be a list to be feared.

Scanning the sheet first to double check Matsumoto made sure he wasn't on it before offering the best reassurance she could give him at the moment. "Don't worry, Kira. You aren't on it."

"Do I want to know, Ran?"

"Probably not, no."

Nodding Kira wisely said his good byes and beat a hasty retreat, his goal to locate Renji and find out what the hell the women were up to that had them grinning like cats who'd just gorged themselves on cream. Well Nemu san hadn't, but then her face rarely changed expression at all. Even Ise san had been smiling a little, and that spoke volumes.

"What is the list?" Nemu asked, not quite sure why everyone seemed so amused by Izuru san's hasty retreat. It was obvious being on the list was a bad thing, but no one had yet to explain why. Was everyone on the list being castrated?

"Rukia san wrote out a list of the eligible men in her life and rated them." Nanao explained, motioning towards the papers still in Matsumoto's hands. "Abarai san didn't take the news of his score very well."

Jumping off Matsumoto's shoulder and back into her seat Yachiru gave an indifferent shrug before picking her chopsticks back up. "Well I don't know what he's complaining about, he got the third highest score out of everyone on that list. I mean really, a guy like him could never beat out that Quincy or Orangeyhead."

"Orangeyhead?" Nemu repeated.

"Ichigo san." Matsumoto clarified.

"Ah, Kurosaki san." Thinking about this for a moment Nemu poised a question. "Kuchiki san, does Kurosaki san date much? He does, after all, have a spirit level akin to most any captain or vice captain in the Gotei 13."

"He's popular enough with the girls but no, I've never seen him go out with any girl other then Orihime san, Arisawa san and myself. Oh and his sisters and Ririn, if you want to get technical." Frowning Rukia was beginning to get more than a little worried about all the evidence that was piling up. Could this be why her sister and brother had never had children?

"Well when I hacked into the forth division medical database last night there was nothing in any of your medical records to indicate that there's a medical reason why none of you seem to be procreating. Everyone was given a clean bill of health at the last physical. Well everyone but Captain Ukitake, but then he never gets one."

"Nemu..you hacked into the forth division records?"

Nanao san's disapproval plain it didn't take a brain surgeon for Nemu to figure out that Nanao san didn't approve of what she'd done. Since this was far from the first time Nemu had hacked into that database Nemu hoped Nanao san wouldn't tell her never to do it again, since her captain was sure to order her to do so at a later date. She didn't like the idea of breaking a promise to her friend. "Well it seemed a logical thing to do. I went through all my captain's records and found no sign that he ever looked into this matter or was aware of the possible problem. I did do some research though and found that by and large less than ten percent of captains and vice captains have gotten married within the past two hundred years. The percentage that had children is even lower. Kurosaki's father was in the minority."

"Well at least he's living proof that we can produce kids. Of course, I'd never want to have kids with that man." Shaking her head Matsumoto couldn't imagine ever being that desperate. If he was a sample of what a girl had to settle for in order to have kids, she'd adopt.

Everyone pondering this the women all were thinking that the pickings were indeed slim which wasn't a good sign that they were ever going to experience motherhood. "Maybe you have to be among the living to have kids?" Nanao suggested after some thoughtful consideration. "What I mean is, Kurosaki san's father didn't have Kurosaki san until after he left the Soul Society and returned to Earth. Also, he's had to conceal his spirit energy, maybe that has something to do with it as well."

"But people are born here." Yachiru pointed out. "And like Nemu chan said, with the marriage rate being as low as it is, it's only natural that the birth rate be even lower."

"Damn...who's bright idea was it to make men a pivotal part of the procreating process?"

"A man's." Was the simultaneous answers to Matsumoto's question.

Sitting back in his chair Captain Hitsugaya studied the wall clock and figured he'd give Hinamori another ten minutes before he headed out to get himself a late lunch. Given how well he knew her he thought it safe to bet that she'd be coming to either him or Kira by the end of the day, to ask them to be her date so that she could get out of her deal with the other girls. Since to her mind actually going out with a guy would be a betrayal against Aizen, it would stand to reason she'd ask out one of the two guys who she thought of as brothers and ask them to pose as a potential date. Kira would probably agree to it but he'd already decided to say no. They weren't helping her by letting her live in her little world where Aizen was a brainwashed prince charming who only needed her to see the error of his ways. What Aizen was was a rat bastard, and Hitsugaya feverently hoped he was the one to kill the son of a bitch, regardless of what it would do to his relationship with Momo. There were just some things that couldn't be forgiven. Or forgotten.

A knock sounding on the door Hitsugaya called out an enter, not surprised when Hinamori entered, automatically checking to make sure Matsumoto wasn't around before she entered. "Do you have a moment?" Hinamori asked, her voice hopeful, touched with embarrassment.

"What can I do for you?" Like he didn't already know.

"Well I..I was wondering if maybe..uhm." Nervously twisting the collar of her robes Hinamori wished there was some other way to do this. Why couldn't her captain just come home, so that she didn't have to be in this stupid situation. "I ah...I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner tonight."

Clever girl. "What's the occasion?"

"Uhm well." Eyes narrowing slightly Hinamori suddenly got the distinct feeling that he knew exactly whey she was asking him to dinner. But how could he..Matsumoto. She must have told him all about the stupid bet and he'd just assumed she'd come and ask him to go out with her. Like there was no one else she'd even think to ask. Of all the nerve! There were plenty of other people she could have asked, she'd just..felt sorry for him because he was such a workaholic and never went out unless he had to. Well see if she asked him now, the egotistic jerk. "Well it's been a while since we had dinner together, I just thought maybe we could catch up. But if you're too busy, it's no big deal."

So she knew that he knew, Hitsugaya thought to himself, intrigued by this latest turn of events. How she knew that he knew was beyond him, but the knowledge was written all over her face. "Sure, I could meet you for dinner. Where do you want to go?"

"Wherever, it doesn't matter to me." Actually, she'd already made reservations at one of the fancier places which she was going to have to cancel now. No way was she going to go there now, when he thought he was giving her a pity date. Pity date indeed. She was a ranked member in the Gotei 13, she was nobody's pity date gosh darn it.

"Fine then, I'll think of some place and come by your office at seven. Work for you?"

"That would be fine. Anyway, I haven't had lunch yet so I'll see you then. Bye bye." Not waiting for a reply Hinamori was out the door and on her way before Hitsugaya had a chance to even say good bye in return.

Raising an eyebrow Hitsugaya got up from his desk to head out as well, already beginning to plot out his next move. "Well this is an interesting development indeed."

Hours later, as the sun finished sinking from view and night descended, Captain Ukitake was about to turn in for the evening when he heard the sound of faint footsteps headed in his direction. Knowing the steps of his two third ranks Ukitake tensed, knowing that it was neither of them. Starting to get to his feet he turned, identified the person approaching, and gave a small bow. "Kurotsuchi san, good evening."

"Good evening." Giving a bow of her own Nemu noted that he was already dressed for bed, dressed in his plain white sleeping robes, his hair tied back in a loose braid like her own. "I apologize, I didn't anticipate that you would be retiring so early. If you'd like, I could return sometime tomorrow. My reason for coming is not an urgent matter."

"It's no problem, please have a seat." Sitting back down on his porch Ukitake watched her as she took a seat beside him, appearing unaffected by the cool spring breeze. Then again, he'd never known her attire to change, regardless of the weather. "What can I do for you?" He asked, once she was comfortably settled.

"I require assistance with an experiment and hoped you'd consider aiding me in my research."

Opening his mouth to ask what sort of research she was gathering Ukitake felt a slight chill go up his spine as he suddenly recalled the discussion he and the other captains had overheard the night before. But no, it couldn't be. Could it?

Taking his silence for encouragement Nemu continued to explain. "There will be no risk to your health and though I can't financially reward you for your help I'm sure we could come up with some sort of way for me to repay you for your services."

Pay for his services...Mentally berating himself for the perverted thoughts that came immediately to mind, Ukitake could feel himself getting hot under the collar. Oh please, please let him be misunderstanding where this was going. "Exactly..exactly what sort of experiment is it that you need my help for?"

"I'm researching the correlation between high spirit energy and sexual desire. You have the necessarily high spirit energy levels as well as fitting my other requirements. While my spirit levels are not within your range I am healthy, able and willing to learn. I would be most appreciative if you would consider aiding me in this endeavor, Captain Ukitake."