AN: Not quite sure about this chapter, it was written over the course of several days where my mood went from optimistic to utterly hopeless... No beta, all mistakes are mine. Please r&r
Also I've given up on getting 4 reviews. Apparently that was too much to ask (even though 4 people have added this to their alert list) anyway, this chapter is dedicated to MissSadieKane , my only reviewer for this story. Thank you my dear, for taking an interest.
Chapter three: Nightmares
Harry startled awake, gasping into the darkened room, heart pounding in his ears as he waited for his eyes to adjust to the dim lighting.
Just a dream. It was just a bad dream… wha-
Eyes finally adjusted, Harry looked about the room in surprise, momentarily wondering where he was before the memories of the previous day came crashing back. Just across the moderately sized room, lit by a strange- magical- hovering lamp that cast colorful stars on the ceiling, on a bed that matched his own, lay a little girl. She was fast asleep, her black hair lay in tangles on the pillow and she was curled tightly around a stuffed animal- Harry couldn't make out the shape in the dim light cast by the star lamp.
This was his cousin, Dani, and he was in her room at the Tonks' house. Mr. Moony and Mr. Padfoot had brought him to their home with magic after rescuing him from Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon. Harry idly wondered what Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon thought about him leaving- he'd not even said goodbye to Dudley- before dismissing the thought when a curl of smoke floated past his peripheral vision.
His dragon! Smiling suddenly Harry dug though the blankets and unearthed his new toy- a present from Dani. Hugging it to his chest, he lay back in bed and watched the patterns from the lamp on the ceiling. It was very late, or very early and Harry doubted they would approve of him getting up. Uncle Vernon never did- that's why he put a lock on the cupboard door- so he concentrated on the colorful patterns of stars, trying to forget the bad dream that had woken him in the first place.
Suddenly he remembered the other gift he had been given: the magical pictures of his parents he'd tucked safely under pillow. Eager little fingers closed around the glossy edges and he drew them out, squinting at them in the darkness. Wishing he had more light to see them by, he nearly fell out of bed when the hovering lamp floated closer to his bed, casting a cheery glow across the photos.
His mum and dad smiled and waved at him and Harry couldn't help grinning and waving back. Studying the cherished pictures closely Harry didn't notice the large black dog that crept quietly into the room, snuffing at the foot of Dani's bed it gave a satisfied huff and prowled toward Harry. Sensing movement in front of him Harry looked up from the pictures, barely stifling a scream when he found himself eye to eye with a large, terrifying black dog.
Squeaking in fright, Harry pulled the covers over his head and curled around his dragon, eyes squeezed tightly shut. There was a small weight pressed to the mattress beside him and Harry chanced a peek from his safe cocoon. The dog had laid his enormous shaggy head on the mattress and was looking at him with soulful grey eyes. Tentatively reaching a hand out from the covers, Harry giggled quietly when the dog nuzzled his fingers with a wet nose before promptly licking his outstretched hand.
Throwing the covers off, Harry sat up and stared at the magnificent beast. He was almost entirely shadow in the soft glow of the nightlight but his grey eyes glittered with intelligence and the pink tongue lolling to the side as he quietly panted belayed Harry's fears. Boldly, he reached out to scratch the large creature behind the ears, laughing in surprise when the dog jumped onto his bed and settled beside him. With one arm wrapped tightly around his dragon, the other stretched to pet the surprisingly soft fur of the mangy looking dog, Harry fell back asleep watching the stars shift and change, head resting above the smiling faces of his parents where they were tucked safely back under his pillow.
Sirius gasped awake in a cold sweat; glancing quickly at Remus he noted with relief that the other man was still asleep. He'd never admit it of course, but all the stuff with Harry and James' awful in laws had wiped out what little energy the werewolf had left after the last full.
Slipping from the bed Sirius seamlessly shifted to his animagus form and padded silently from the room. Rationally he knew that he was safe; there were no Dementors lurking in the shadows of Andromeda's house, but since when was fear rational? The large dog snuffled and shook his wild coat as if trying to shake the nightmare and walked off down the hall to the kids' room.
The lamp Remus had charmed to hover by Dani's bed cast a colorful array of stars on the ceiling, bathing the room in a cheery glow. Satisfied that the cub was sleeping soundly Sirius padded toward his godson who was sitting up, looking at the photos Remus had given him earlier. The little boy glanced up and startled, squeaking like a frightened mouse before hiding under the covers.
Amused by his reaction, Sirius remembered a little too late that his animagus form was for all intents and purposes a frightening Grimm. Whining softly he rested his muzzle on the bed and waited. The blankets shifted and two emerald green eyes peeked from beneath them. Whuffing quietly Sirius nuzzled the small hand that reached tentatively toward him, were he in human form he would have grinned at the child's easy acceptance, before leaping onto the bed to lay next to him.
Even in the dim light his sharp canine eyes could detect Harry's strong resemblance to James. From the wild black hair to his dimpled grin he was a mini-Prongs, except for the eyes. The eyes were pure Lily; not just the color but the love and openness that shone out from them, masked by just the right amount of mischief.
With a very human sigh, the dog settled down next to the boy and slept.
Remus wasn't surprised when we woke to a cold, empty bed, nor was surprised to see Padfoot in his animagus form fast asleep in Dani's room. He didn't think Sirius had managed to sleep through the night once since his return. Not that he could blame him really, he'd had his own fair share of nightmares- he just wished Sirius would talk to him about it. But as much as he wanted to press the matter, Remus knew from past experience that the only way to get Sirius to open up was to be patient and wait.
It was too bad patience wasn't Remus' strong suite.
Dani picked somewhat sullenly at her cereal from where she was sat in her booster seat at the kitchen table. This morning when she woke up, expecting what was now a routine for her- special cuddles with daddy as Padfoot- she was disappointed to see the large black dog curled up asleep on Harry's bed. Remembering what Papa told her about making Harry feel welcome, she tried her best to ignore the bad little troll tugging painfully on her heart.
The atmosphere in the kitchen was strangely subdued and lacking in the usual hustle and bustle of the unconventional family. Andromeda and Ted were eating their breakfast quietly, each reading a different section of the Daily Prophet while Dora absently ate her toast; too busy writing a letter to one of her friends to engage in idle conversation.
Across from her Remus was idly stirring his tea, absently adding sugar until it was much too sweet to drink- even for him. Sirius was hovering anxiously by the sink, sipping coffee and checking that Harry liked his breakfast. He'd managed the first piece of toast alright but he was picking at the egg disinterestedly.
"The eggs aren't too runny are they Harry? I could- err Remus could make some scrambled if you'd like that better."
Dromeda and Ted shared an amused glance from behind their papers and Remus valiantly fought the urge to roll his eyes, settling for a slow exhale through his nose instead.
"No it's fine, really, I like runny eggs. I'm just not very hungry. I'm sorry, I can try to finish it."
Sirius could relate. He'd gotten the impression that the Dursley's didn't feed him much, and judging by the pictures he'd seen of their lad, Dudley, none of the missed food had gone to waste.
"That's fine Harry, no need to stuff yourself."
He said comfortingly.
"What did you usually have for breakfast before?"
Sirius wondered if he should clarify that statement but Harry seemed to understand as he looked thoughtful for a moment before responding.
"I'd usually make eggs and toast, but Uncle Vernon liked bacon and sausages too."
Remus paused in refilling his teacup,
"You mean you cooked breakfast for your Aunt and Uncle?"
Harry nodded innocently.
"Dudley too. He liked marmite on his toast and eggs."
Marmite was said with a shudder; apparently Harry didn't care for the salty stuff anymore than Remus did.
"I see. Your Aunt helped you cook breakfast?"
"No."
Sirius and Remus shared a look over the little boys head, if Albus hadn't forbidden them from visiting those awful Muggles again…
"Well maybe you can help me with breakfast sometimes Harry, if you'd like to that is."
Harry smiled, feeling more assured of his place here. Cooking was something he was good at and it wasn't too bad. What he really liked though was baking. Sometimes when his Aunt and Uncle took Dudley out they would leave him with Mrs. Figg and they'd make chocolate biscuits and Mrs. Figg would let him lick the spoon.
"I'd like that Mr- Moony. Maybe we could make biscuits for tea? I like to bake."
Remus smiled encouragingly.
"Sounds like fun Harry, maybe later today yeah?"
Harry nodded enthusiastically and Remus turned his attention to his unusually quiet daughter.
"What do you say Dani? Shall you, me and Harry make biscuits this afternoon?"
Dani perked up at being including in the conversation and offered a small smile.
"Can they be chocolate?"
Remus wiped his hands on a tea towel and with a flick of his wand sent it to the laundry room. The first batch of biscuits was in the oven and Andromeda was supervising the little ones as they happily licked batter off of two large spoons. Quickly accio-ing his camera he snapped several shots of the kids smiling, flower covered faces thinking Sirius would want to see them later. Sirius. Where was he?
With a tired sigh Remus went in search of his absent lover. He finally found him in the library along with a half empty bottle of firewhisky.
Damnit Sirius!
Sirius didn't look up when Remus entered but acknowledged his presence by raising the bottle in a silent salute.
Taking a deep breath, hoping to forestall his anger, Remus sat beside his mate and gently took the bottle from his hand.
"Sirius-"
He began slowly, but the bleary eyed man cut him off sharply.
"Don't Remus. Just don't."
Fatigue and hurt won out over sensibility and Remus snapped. Standing quickly he turned toward his lover with a snarl.
"That's the bloody problem with us isn't it? You never fucking talk to me Sirius! It's been weeks since you've come home and all you've said is 'don't' or 'not now Remus'. Bloody when Sirius? You obviously need to talk to someone about this and it might as well be me!"
When Sirius didn't respond or even look at him Remus tried another tactic. Kneeling carefully on the ground in front of his lover he hesitantly reached out to rest a hand on his knee, stilling it from where it was jiggling nervously.
"Padfoot please, talk to me. I want to help, but I can't if you won't talk to me. Tell me what's going on in that brilliant, muddled head of yours."
Sirius inhaled shakily, fists clenching and unclenching as he struggled to contain his anger. Standing abruptly on unsteady feet he lurched to the side before tentatively regaining his balance he staggered a few steps toward the low fireplace. Staring blankly into the embers he tried to take deep even breaths, tried to calm down. His mind was whirling; thoughts pulling in five different directions at once.
Unshed tears pricked painfully at the backs of his eyes and his vision swam, the embers in the hearth glowed brightly in his blurred vision; sparking dangerous flames as his anger spiked. Waves of rage and hurt and despair crashed against him and the dam broke. Spinning violently he turned to find Remus in front of him, nose to nose. Angrily he shoved him, taking a bit of pleasure in the look of surprise on the smaller man's face as he stumbled back- shoving down the niggling feeling of guilt.
"FUCK. OFF. REMUS!"
Stunned into silence Remus could only stare at his lover, but Sirius was on a roll now. A tidal storm of emotions had been released and he'd be damned to try and tap it back.
"Oh, you want me to talk about it? Do you want me tell you all about those horrendous years spent in prison? In a dark and slimy cell with Dementors waiting 'round the corner, knowing- knowing that all my friends were either dead or thought I was guilty? Knowing that I had no one! Knowing that I was responsible for James and Lily's deaths?
"Yeah, I might not have been the one to hand them over to Voldemort on a silver platter, but I didn't keep them safe either did I? I was too much of a fucking coward to be their secret keeper and that got them killed!
"What do you want me to say Remus? What do you bloody want from me? I was rotting away in prison; I didn't get to go their fucking funeral! I don't even know if they had a funeral! And while I was locked away, dying, you were here. You were here; doing Merlin knows what- raising our daughter alone! I didn't even fucking know I was father!
"And what about Harry? He was dumped on those deplorable muggles who didn't even give him a proper bed, made him sleep in a fucking cupboard! How can I make up for that? How can I even begin to make that right? My godson was living under the fucking stairs, wearing hand-me-down clothes and being their fucking house elf! And my daughter- who I didn't even know existed- she's all grown. I never got to hold her, read her stories, see her take her first steps… I missed so much Moony. And I can't- I can't deal with this right now. I'm going out."
He disappeared with a loud crack that resounded dully in the quiet room, leaving Remus alone in the dying light of the fire as tears streamed down his pale face.
TBC