Chapter 4: As Life Unravels

"I'm disappointed with you. You're writing is never usually this pedestrian. Is this truly what you have spent the last six weeks working on?" Merlin scolded, her red-painted lips pressed close together in her hard, thin face.

Meliodas looked down at the carpeted floor, focusing on the swirling patterns by way of distraction, not at all enjoying the cold chastisement in his supervisor's piercing, amber eyes. He had found the chapter so difficult to set down, feeling that even getting a first draft completed was a massive achievement. He'd actually indulged himself with a whole day off after emailing it to Merlin to reward this accomplishment, but not so deep down he had known it was rather poor. Still, Merlin's reaction had taken him a bit by surprise. They had worked together for years and she was usually quietly encouraging.

Writing up his model results had been an absolute breeze. Getting his qualitative data into something resembling good scholarship was however troubling him greatly. He had carried out sixty interviews with tax inspectors across the country and the amount of data to analyse was daunting. There were hours of transcribed conversations spread over Word documents, a huge Excel spreadsheet, and scattered around his desk on yellow post-it notes, some of them pasted into notebooks to keep the thematic analysis together. It was hard to know how to organise it all neatly. And then of course there was the fact that he had more teaching work than he could ever hope to contend with and that concentration was impossible because his personal life was falling apart.

Meliodas had tried and failed to contact Elizabeth over the holidays. All he wanted was her side of the story and to let her know that he did not think any differently of her because of her past. But for whatever reason she would not explain, would not even acknowledge his attempts to reach out. He had emailed her, cursing himself for not getting her number, and had spent days continually refreshing his inbox, feeling disappointment each time there was no reply. The Christmas break had come and gone but the passage of time had only made him more desperate to see her, and more despondent as the dream looked increasingly impossible.

"This is not the point of research," Merlin admonished, her thin fingers held together in a steeple as she sat opposite him in one of the two, large uncomfortable chairs she used for supervisions. "You've just described your data, you haven't analysed it."

"I know," Meliodas groaned, raising his head to tentatively risk eye contact. "I just found this thing so hard to write." He had worked on the draft all through the holidays, returning to Oxford as soon as he could and practically living in the office to try and make some progress. Ban had stuck around too, and together they had both done their best to get on top of their work.

Merlin's expression softened slightly, the corner of her mouth curling up into a lopsided smile. "I had a chat with Arthur, and you're off the hook. He said writing up qualitative results is challenging at first, but gets easier with practice. My advice would be to stick to experiments next time. They're far more satisfying."

Meliodas felt a depth of gratitude to Arthur Pendragon. Merlin's postdoctoral fellow had worked with her for years, although his youthful appearance gave a different impression. He did all the work Merlin had no interest in and wrote up all her research. Merlin loved collecting data and conducting behavioural experiments in Oxford's purpose built lab, but once she knew the answer that was enough for her. The academic publishing process, where papers were drafted and re-drafted after many rounds of comments, bored her considerably and she could not stand the criticism from anonymous reviewers.

Arthur put considerable effort into smoothing over any hostility Merlin felt and made the adjustments needed to get her research into world-renowned journals. Merlin consistently achieved top ratings as an academic researcher in consequence, securing her future with the university and giving her the freedom to do as she pleased. This process took up a lot of time and Arthur had necessarily sacrificed many of his own avenues of enquiry, though Merlin did give him as much space as she could to pursue his own interests. Although not relishing the limelight, Arthur was a superb researcher and if even he found writing up difficult then there was no reason anyone else should find it to be easy.

"You need to do more with your data, think about creating typologies and linking it to theory," Merlin explained more kindly, her usual twinkle back in her eye. "Have another go. Re-write this one completely. Arthur said you could go to him for advice if you wish."

Meliodas sighed. He supposed he'd got off lightly but his supervisor's words still cut into him. That meant literally none of the chapter was salvageable. The thought of the weeks of work wasted rankled and he gave a slight grimace as he stood to take his leave.

"Before you go I want you to tell me something," Merlin demanded, her lips pursed up in apparent distaste. "You have taken on a considerable amount of private tuition work lately. Please explain."

Meliodas stared at his supervisor with complete incredulity. In all the years he had known her, Merlin had not once asked him any personal questions, presumably because she had managed to find out everything she needed to know through other channels. He had obviously managed to surprise her for once.

"Thought I'd earn a bit of extra cash," Meliodas said with a grin. "You never know when it might come in handy."

After Zeldris' outburst Meliodas had taken a good look at his life and realised that his brother might have a point. His father would be furious if he and Elizabeth ever got together, so if he wanted her in his life he needed to cut ties completely and stop living rent-free under his father's roof. His income was just about enough to find a room for himself as long as he pulled back sharply on other areas of expenditure, but that was without thinking of Ban. Private tuition had seemed a good solution to the problem, but his students all expected tailored lesson plans. This took up a lot more time than he'd bargained for.

Merlin looked at him carefully, her bright eyes boring into him as if seeing all the way through to his soul. "I can tell something is going on. My advice is, sort it out. It is evidently getting in the way of your work. No student of mine has yet failed and I do not want you to be the first. You have the potential to be a good academic. Make sure you stay on track."

Relieved to escape Merlin's office, Meliodas practically fled from the college, hustling down the stone stairs, through the quad and out into Turl Street. Merlin was right he thought as he turned left to head up towards Balliol. If Elizabeth would not answer him then he would just have to find her and see if there was something he could do to make things work out. Balliol was not far from Jesus College and after taking a few eager paces down Broadway, Meliodas was striding through the college's enormous quad towards the junior common room. He did not necessarily expect to see Elizabeth there but someone was bound to be hanging around who would know which staircase she lived on.

As Meliodas entered he saw the back of a familiar dark, spiky head straight in front of him and he quickly pulled into a convenient alcove to hide. Just his luck. Of all the people who he could have run into it would obviously have to be his youngest brother. He had avoided Zeldris completely over Christmas, deciding that ignoring him was the best punishment he had in his limited arsenal. They had not spoken since the day he had last seen Elizabeth.

"I'm sorry, I honestly didn't mean to upset you," Zeldris pleaded, the anguish in his voice clear. Meliodas' eyebrows shot up in amazement. He had never heard his brother use that tone or those words with anyone before and he leaned his head as close to the opening of the alcove as he dared in order to listen more keenly.

"You used me!" a harsh, cut-glass voice replied, the female speaker's anger perfectly evident. "You didn't care about me at all, you just wanted to humiliate my friend."

"That's not true!" Zeldris protested. "I did want information at first, but... Gelda please listen! I've gone about this all wrong, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. I adore you. Please, believe me."

"How can I? Elizabeth is so upset. How could you possibly have said all those disgusting things to her? It's like I don't know you at all. I don't want anything more to do with you."

Meliodas almost stopped breathing at this. So this girl was the source Zeldris had mentioned and she had evidently been an unwitting pawn in his brother's game. This was useful. The girl would probably help him get in touch with Elizabeth. He just needed to get her alone somehow.

"I'm sorry. You're right, I was horrible to her. I just wanted to put her off, that's all. I was a bit drunk and... it seemed like the best way to do it at the time. I find that kind of attack is effective if you want people do what they're told without asking questions. And it worked. It seems they've stayed away from each other."

"But why? Why shouldn't Elizabeth go out with your brother? She's a wonderful person," Gelda retorted, her voice trembling with anger and Meliodas heard a slight tint to her accent around the crisp tone. She sounded almost too English, too polished and he suspected she had learned her elocution in school.

"That makes no difference! Look, my father thinks Bartra Liones ruined his career. He didn't of course. I've watched that debate so many times, and it's painful. Liones' arguments were nothing special, any competent politician should have been able to counter them. But my father just floundered. I didn't understand why for years but... he has issues. He's not strong mentally. If he found out Meliodas was keen on Liones' daughter he would be in very real danger of doing something he shouldn't.

"I've never told anyone this," Zeldris responded to Gelda's silent but obvious rebuke. "The night after that debate we all went to the London flat. Meliodas sent me up to bed and he made Estarossa go with me too. I was so cross with him, I thought he was being mean so I pretended to go to sleep. My plan was to sneak back down once Estarossa left me and make them include me for once. Father and Meliodas had an argument. It was so loud. I didn't want to listen, not after a bit anyway, but I heard everything. It was horrendous. I wasn't sure at the time but the more I think about it, I think... I think my father tried to kill Meliodas."

"What?" Gelda gasped. "Are you sure?"

"No, not completely. I heard father yelling, really laying into him. It was so horrible. But there was a silent bit, it was so strange coming in among all the shouting, and then the next day Meliodas had this bruise round his neck...

"I just wanted Elizabeth to stop," Zeldris whispered brokenly, and Meliodas had to strain his ears to try and catch the confession. "I didn't want... I don't know. You see, father is so angry with Meliodas. He's not so bothered that Estarossa never listens to him, he's not parliamentary material, but Meliodas is different. My father really wanted him to be the one to take his place in the party. He can't have that now of course and it makes him furious. I do my best to keep him happy so he doesn't go over the edge, but if he found out about Elizabeth, I honestly don't know what he'd do. Meliodas has always been defiant, I knew he wouldn't listen unless I... I know he hates me but I don't want him to get hurt." Zeldris paused, and behind the alcove his brother buried his face in his hands, upset that he had failed to hide his father's vile temper from his youngest brother.

That night had not been the first time his father had used unorthodox methods to try and control him, though usually he was careful not to leave physical signs of the abuse. Lord Lorimer was not generally violent, but there were other means at his disposal. Many times, Meliodas had been locked in his father's study, deprived of food and water for the day, with nothing but the books for company. Estarossa had sometimes managed to sneak him food though the window, but Meliodas had discouraged this, frightened of what would happen if his brother was caught. It had been a relief when they had both been sent off to boarding school. Estarossa had been young, and Meliodas had done his best to try and get him to forget what had happened, downplaying the extent to which the experience had affected him.

As time had gone on, Meliodas had learned the tricks he needed to keep his father from losing it too badly on the rare occasions he was forced to be at home. He had deliberately sought out friends who would let him stay with them for portions of the holidays and had tried to get both his brothers to do the same. He had thought he had successfully hidden everything from the youngest, who his father never hurt. He was glad of this of course, but he had to admit the blatant favouritism had rankled. He hadn't realised Zeldris had merely developed his own techniques to ensure his father did not lose it too badly, that his brother knew about the monster lurking under the polished facade.

Meliodas risked sneaking a look round the pillar of the alcove. He saw the profile of a woman with a long, blonde braid running down her right shoulder gazing intently at his brother, her hand tentatively reaching out to his face. Zeldris instantly leant into her touch and Meliodas quickly ducked back into his hiding place, feeling acute shame for spying on his brother at such a moment.

"I should have told you," Zeldris murmured, his voice sounding more muffled. Evidently the girl had forgiven him enough to embrace him. "And I'm sorry about Elizabeth, I really am."

"You will apologise," Gelda said cooly. "But, I do understand. My father's terrible too, though not quite as awful as that," Gelda added more softly. "That's why I didn't ask you to come with me for Christmas. He's going to be livid when he finds out about us. He wants me to marry someone from back home."

"I don't want to get you into trouble," Zeldris said, his voice laced with anxiety.

"It's fine. I don't plan on telling him until we can move in together. Then he can rant and rave all he wants. I don't care if I never see him again," Gelda said, defiance ringing in her clear voice. "I won't let him get in the way."

"Hey, it's okay," Gelda said softly. Just tell me next time there's something wrong. There's always a better way to sort things out than insulting people."

"I missed you. I don't want to lose you," Zeldris begged, desperation trembling though every word.

"You won't, I promise. I love you."

Meliodas wondered if there was any way he could sneak out of the room without being spotted. From the sounds of things, the two of them were taking the opportunity to make up properly, and he really wanted to leave before things got yet more embarrassing.

"Come on, let's go. We need somewhere private for this," Gelda sighed softly, and Meliodas was grateful to hear the door at the other end of the room squeak on its hinges a few moments later. The couple had thankfully taken the route into the college buildings rather than heading past him out to the quad. He considered staying around a bit longer but decided against it. Gelda was not a common name and he was sure he would be able to find her without too much effort.

Stepping quickly back through the quad, Meliodas made his way to George Street and back towards the apartment. In typical January fashion, the cold rain had started to fall and Meliodas ran most of the way home to avoid the worst of the downpour, sprinting over the canal as water droplets splashed hard on its surface.

"Hi Ban, you there?" Meliodas called as cheerfully as he could once he'd made his way into the warmth of the apartment, shaking off the rain from his coat before heading further inside. Hearing no response, Meliodas started up the stairs when he noticed a slither of light coming from the crack under Ban's bedroom door. That was odd. Ban was usually pretty good about turning the lights off when he did not need them, the habit of poverty guiding his actions even though he no longer had to worry about paying the bills.

Meliodas cautiously opened the door and was astonished to find Ban lying stretched out on the bed, his eyes staring blankly up at the ceiling and an expression of absolute despair on his haggard face.

"What's happened?" Meliodas asked softly, stepping closer to the bed, noticing that Ban had a brown bottle of something clutched in his hand.

Ban laid still, saying nothing and Meliodas knew he would have to force the issue. It was all very well respecting people's secrets but he could hardly leave Ban in this state. Whatever it was he needed to talk about it.

"It's Elaine, isn't it?" Meliodas guessed, thinking back to the times he had seen Ban wear this expression. Elaine was never far from Ban's thoughts. Even after all these months he still missed her fiercely and had tried unsuccessfully to get back in her good books on a number of occasions.

"She's pregnant," Ban rasped out, his voice scraping like gravel and his eyes growing wet round the edges with tears. "I went to see her when I found out. It's mine, but she won't take me back. She doesn't want me to have anything to do with the baby..."

At this, the tears fell down Ban's cheek and he moved his arm up to cover his eyes. Gently, Meliodas reached out to take the empty bottle from his other hand and set it down on the bedside table.

"Did she say why?" Meliodas questioned, keeping his voice as sympathetic as he could. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Ban further. Ban was usually quite easy-going, and enjoyed a good tease, but when he was in one of these moods he needed handling with kid gloves.

"She said I wasn't ready for a proper relationship, that I was being self-indulgent and should get a real job," Ban gulped, evidently trying to suppress the still flowing tears.

"This is a real job," Meliodas grumbled irately. "It's hard enough work anyway."

"It is for you, you have funding and your thesis is going to save the country, right? No one's paying me, and what I'm doing is not important, that's what the research councils think anyway. But whatever they say, it's really important to me."

"What is your research question exactly? Are you ready to tell me? I know it's got something to do with higher education."

"I'm looking at how universities pick their students and what impact that has on people from backgrounds like mine. It was a lifeline for me getting to study here, but it was damn hard. I want to see what can be done to make things a bit fairer," Ban fluted, his old manner returning for a spell.

"Sounds noble enough to me," Meliodas concluded. "Higher education is key for social mobility."

"Well, Elaine doesn't see it that way. Or rather she does I guess, she just wants me to grow up. And she has a point. I'm twenty-three, I should have a salary by now. That's why I came to Oxford in the first place, to get out of the gutter."

"So we need to get you funding, should be doable. The university has plenty of scholarships, we just to figure out how to get you one of them," Meliodas said bracingly, hoping Ban would buck up if he had something concrete to try.

"In the meantime you can help me out with all this tuition work. I've taken on way more than I can cope with and I've got students queuing up for help. It's an easy ask, just basic stats and research methods and the pay is really good. We'll be out of this place in no time, living on our own with our own money. That will show Elaine you mean business."

"What's the point," Ban moaned. "It's over."

"Stop it! It will be if you keep up that attitude. You want her, you fight for her." Meliodas stared at Ban, willing his friend to listen and to do what he said.

"Come on, let's get a drink," Meliodas suggested kindly as Ban gave a slight nod, relieved that the melancholy was on hold for the evening at least. "I need one after the day I've had."

The ground crunched satisfyingly underfoot as Meliodas stepped lightly along the Broad Walk which ran through the frosty green of Christ Church Meadow. As he reached the river, he gazed at the skeletons of deciduous trees which lined the Cherwell, their bare branches glowing pink and gold in the early morning light. The view was sublime, but the red hue in the sky promised the presence of rain later in the day. It would be February soon, the worst month of the year, but at least it meant that spring was not too far away.

He and Ban had searched for suitable scholarships and hardship funds for a couple of days, scouring the internet for hours to try and find something Ban could feasibly apply for. Irritatingly, many of the more generous options were out of reach because, despite his hard background, Ban technically had somewhere to live and a bit of an income, however slight. This had set Ban off on a rant about the lack of equity in the funding system, which had encouraged him to reveal more information about his mysterious thesis. Ban was not only looking at university admissions, but also at the marketing techniques institutions used to attract different students. His theory was that universities deliberately sought to appeal to well-healed learners while discouraging those from less salubrious backgrounds.

Still, it was all over now. Eventually he and Ban had found a possible fund and had roped Arthur in to help with the application. The three of them had drafted the case together, focusing in on the complex modelling Ban had planned, and that fact that he had secured university admissions data no one else had access to. Ban would be certain to make an original contribution to knowledge.

And wonderfully, Gelda had finally agreed to meet him, selecting this beauty spot for the purpose. It was a popular place, but deserted at this time in the morning, meaning they would be able to talk without being dogged by college gossip. Waking up early after a restless night's sleep, Meliodas had felt uneasy, on edge. But the cold air was helping, as was the gentle sound of the river lapping against its banks and the sweet song of the birds as they welcomed the day.

He heard a scrunch on the icy dirt track behind him and he turned to see Gelda, the familiar golden braid falling over her shoulder and her slender hips swaying slightly with her gait. She stopped dead in her tracks on seeing him, her sweet, heart-shaped face instantly hardening as her eyes met his.

"Thanks for agreeing to meet me," Meliodas began, forcing the words to come despite his fraying nerves. His brother's girlfriend was obviously not pleased to see him.

"I wanted to give you a piece of my mind," Gelda retorted, her voice as cold as the frost on the ground. "And to tell you in person that there is no way I will allow you to get close to Elizabeth. You stay away from her."

"Why?" Meliodas asked incredulously. What had happened to make Gelda feel like this? The conversation he had heard had led him to believe she would help him, not put obstacles in his way.

"Elizabeth is very sensitive, she trusts easily and I will not let her be hurt by someone like you," Gelda shot back, her voice steady and commanding.

"What are you talking about? I would never hurt her!" Meliodas cried out, his confusion growing as he examined Gelda's expression. Why was she so angry?

"Oh, really? Because you're so nice? Because you'd never systematically abuse someone close to you?" Gelda stared at Meliodas, her striking turquoise eyes flashing with fire. All at once, Meliodas felt his building anger die and his face flush with shame. He knew then exactly what Gelda was talking about.

"Look, I have tried to apologise," Meliodas murmured, forcing his eyes to keep contact with hers. "I really have. You're right, I have behaved badly, and I want to make it up to him but he won't let me."

"Do you have any idea how much you've hurt him?" Gelda seethed as her unwavering eyes returned his gaze. "Zeldris told me all about it. It took a lot of work but I got it out of him. I have never seen him so upset and I hope I never do again. And you wonder why he won't forgive you? You don't deserve it. You don't deserve him!"

"I did things I shouldn't have done when we were younger, but I stopped. I haven't done anything to hurt him for years." Meliodas sighed, breathing deep to try and assuage his emotions.

"You stopped the physical stuff. So what? Do you know what upsets him most? That you constantly belittle him. He idolises you and all you ever do is ignore him or put him down. And your condescension is completely unjustified. Have you any concept of how brilliant he is?"

"What are you talking about? He hates me!" Meliodas spluttered out, his hands clenched at his sides, his knuckles white with the pressure. "I understand why, he has every right to, but he doesn't care in the least what I think about him."

"He wants to hate you certainly, but he doesn't, even after all you have done. He just wants your approval and your recognition." Gelda looked at Meliodas more gently, her expression pleading. "Why can't you just give it to him?"

"I... but I do." Meliodas protested. "I don't agree with most of what he says, but I respect his ability. He's far more driven than I could ever be."

"He wants more than that. He wants you to show him a bit of understanding and respect. Is that too much to ask?"

"No... no it isn't," Meliodas muttered. He rubbed his left eye with his fist, enjoying the pain this action brought. "I just... I thought he wanted nothing to do with me, and then of course we're just so different politically."

"Does that make a difference? Elizabeth and I don't agree either, but do you think that makes me care about her any less? She's sweet and kind and I love her to pieces, even if her policy ideas are mad." Meliodas chuckled at this and Gelda's frozen features thawed slightly, but she still kept her keen eyes fixed hard on him.

"If you want to apologise, just flatter him a bit," Gelda advised, her shoulders dropping ever so slightly. Being in your shadow and your behaviour has knocked his confidence. He hides it well, but he needs approbation, from you anyway."

"If you say so, I can't see it myself," Meliodas replied. "But, I'll try what you suggest. Goodness knows nothing else has worked," he added quietly. "He'll just brush me off I expect, like he always does."

"He won't, trust me," Gelda replied, shivering suddenly as the promised rain started to fall. In silent agreement, she and Meliodas turned and started to walk quickly back up the Broad Walk towards Merton College, the route which would take them back to the city centre. Meliodas unfurled an umbrella, offering to share its shelter as the rain picked up pace, battering the nylon fabric stretched over their heads.

"Look, I know you're cross with me, but I want you to know I'm glad Zeldris has you in his corner. I know you care about him." Meliodas risked a sideways look at Gelda and was rewarded with a small, careful smile.

They walked in silence through the park, each lost in their own thoughts and the effort of angling their bodies so as to avoid getting soaked. Finally Gelda spoke, her clear voice rising above the pattering droplets.

"I won't say anything to Elizabeth. She has the right to make up her own mind. Just promise me you'll tell her the truth when you see her."

"I will, I promise," Meliodas replied as they made their way through the black gates of Logic Lane and so up to the High Street just as the shops started to open their shutters, the rasping noise showing the owners were ready to start the day's trade.