I don't own Twilight Series.

Chapter Three:

Three weeks had past. And I was adamant about giving into the little voice. I had reached a platue in weight. I was stuck at around 113 to 114lb which bugged me so I caved to the voice letting it tell me what to do most of the time. My size two clothes fit me again but I was determined to get to size zero.

It was the Friday morning after I decided to let the voice tell me what to do and I resisted weighing myself so the full impact of what I was doing could be seen. It was hard not to weigh myself every morning even for just a week, well more like four days; it had become sort of an obsession and compulsion rolled into one. That didn't surprise me, it was easy for me to fall into a pattern and I guess weighing myself and going for a run was just another part of my pattern. I was breathing fast and had to take a deep breath before I got onto the scale. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment then slowly opened them and looked down at the scale.

109.8lb

I stood there shocked looking at the screen I lost over a kilogram; I lost almost 4 freaking pounds!

I did a little whoop and slipped in my excitement on the way to the shower. I would have taken my time allowing for the strawberry shampoo and conditioner to sink in but I was too excited I really wanted to admire my achievement. I decided I would treat myself and actually bother with my hair. I combed it with a wide tooth comb whilst blow-drying it even straighter than imaginable. I also rubbed a bit of hair moisturiser into the ends to keep my hair smooth in Forks' humid weather.

Excitedly I let my towel drop and looked in the full length mirror in the bathroom.

I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I really didn't look like I wanted.

Not yet the voice said trying to comfort me; well the 'voice' wasn't really a voice I had decided over the past week, it was more like a feeling or a thought or a strange indescribable combination of both but I also decided it should still be referred to as 'the voice' until further investigation on my part.

I mean I did like how I had obviously gotten smaller and I still looked slim. Heck I even could see a feint outline of definition on my abdominals and there was now a triangle gap at the top of my thighs. But I could still see problems. I still looked healthy and normal but I didn't like that on me it suited other people but I just hated me. I inspected my thighs; they still touched and jiggled. My arms had that thing that looks like a bum when you let them fall to your sides. That was on just about everyone on the planet but it looks just plain gross on me.

Rosalie wouldn't have that my girl voice inferred.

Thanks for that she is not even human but I guess there are a select few who do not look like that... Argg! I hated this no wonder Edward couldn't stand to be around me. The Cullen's were the epitome of perfection and I was a disgustingly plain human. The only thing I liked was my hair which was almost long enough to sit on when I tilted my head backwards. I am never cutting my hair I vowed as I angrily marched to my room.

I sat down at my desk that afternoon after school and pulled out my exercise book to re-evaluate my goals and progress. I needed to lose faster and for that I needed a plan and goals. Hmm... I thought as I drew up a margin and wrote down the page in red: Current Weight, Goal One, Goal two, Goal Three and so on. Then in blue I answered all the way till Goal three. 109.8lb, 105lb, 100lb, 95lb...

After that I called Jacob, demanding he come over with his homework so we could hang out together.

"Jake!" I screeched when I heard his newly acquired motorbike park in front of my house. Charlie jumped slightly in his chair and tried to cover it up by standing so he could "greet" Jacob. I was bouncing on the balls of my feet waiting for him to open the door and promptly fell over just as he opened it.

"Hey Jake short time no see." Charlie lamely greeted.

I rolled my eyes and smiled up at Jacob who was at least 6'4" by now.

"What are you doing on the ground Bells? You know I may be short but I am not that short." Jacob exclaimed whilst pulling me to my feet. God-dam tall person. I replied to him by mockingly punching his forearm.

"I'll leave you two to it" Charlie said as he reassumed his spot to watch some game on television. I made my move and pushed Jacob back out the door whilst grabbing my now dirty runners.

"Let's go for a run." I enthused. Jacob must have known I was going to ask because he stripped off his tee-shirt and jeans to reveal a bare torso and lose fitting shorts.

I loved to run at dusk it felt surreal as Jacob and I kept up a steady pace. I found out not to long ago that I had a knack for running which was surprising considering how clumsy and unfit I was. It was still hard to keep up with Jacob who I was pretty sure was being easy on me. Jacob did not seem to mind and loved teaching me better techniques. I think he partly liked spending time with me since I had suddenly become interested in exercise. I felt kind of guilty though because I first started this whole thing so I could burn more energy off. But all the same I loved being around Jacob; he held me intact and the hole was less noticeable now because of him.

Trees whipped past us as we weaved around the tracks in the forest; it was fun, every now and then a delighted laugh escaped me. Jacob looked over at me with a smile on his face. I suddenly felt self conscious. I must look a mess with ruby red cheeks and sweat glistening on my forehead. I staggered to a stop and sat down on a log where rays of light still enabled us to see. I patted next to me and Jacob joined. I being my usual clumsy self fell off when the log moved under his weight.

We sat there in silence for I don't know how long just enjoying the cool air and each other's company. By the time the sun had set the light had dimmed so much that Jacob had to hold my hand and lead the way to the road. I fell over a couple of times and consequently grazed me knees and hands; I felt like a toddler as he held my hand all the way back home.

Once back I had a quick shower and got changed into pjs. Jacob looked so tired, as I gave him a spare towel and his change of clothes as he headed upstairs to shower. Charlie sat on the couch mesmerised by the game of whatever sport he was watching. There was a large meat lover's pizza on the coffee table in front of him, two slices were already missing. I eyed them. Normally I would be all over the greasy, salty substance covering that high calorie bread, but I just stood there for a moment staring at it. Yuck I bet one slice would be almost 800cal; my stomach did flip flops at the thought.

Besides you are a worthless piece of shit, you don't deserve that pizza.

I gulped and stood there as the voice prattled on about it. I eventually agreed with the voice. I knew I would not need a plan because that part of me, that voice, would not lead me astray; I trusted her as she comforted me. The plan was pretty much skip dinner, every night and then skip lunch most days. I had already stopped eating junk food without even realising it so that rule of my new plan was a given.

Jacob bounded down the stairs he still looked a little too hot from the exercise making me frown at him.

"Jake are you feeling alright?" I ask trying to hide concern as I hand him a bottle of blue Gatorade and retrieve a 2L bottle of chilled water for myself.

"Yeah Bells. You worry too much. Now let's kick Charlie off the couch so I can beat you at super-smash-bros again." I would have slapped him but he must have sensed I was worried because he squeezed me and pecked me on the forehead before heading into the lounge room.

Before I could even walk into the lounge room Charlie walked out. I was about to ask if Jacob could sleep over but Charlie beat me to it. "Bells Jacob can sleep over if you want, just make sure you put the empty pizza box in the bin before you guys fall asleep."

I kissed him goodnight and silently thanked him. Charlie seemed to like having Jacob around, probably because it made him happy that Jacob made me happy. Jacob and I had become really close again over the past weeks. We acted like children and would always have sleepovers almost every weekend night. Luckily, tomorrow I wasn't needed at work so I looked forward to enjoying the day lounging around with Jacob.

Jacob had already set up the Wii by the time I walked in. I rolled my eyes at his goofy expression whilst I unfolded the lounge bed and made the bed which Jacob thankfully didn't mess up as he sat down. He must have sensed that untidy things bugged me more than usual. He thought it was funny but still was considerate. I on the other hand didn't even notice when those sorts of little things started to bug me so much. I leaned into Jacobs's massive chest to get comfortable. If it was any other guy I would have felt too self conscious being in my pjs around them with no bra on, after all large c-cups that almost required a d-cup were not exactly subtle, but Jacob and I were best friends and our love for each other went beyond those trivial things like feeling self conscious. After all I had grown up with him running around topless on First beach together.

When Jacob offered me a slice of pizza I gracefully declined, content to sip on my water.

"No thanks, besides I know you Jacob. You could probably eat at least four large pizzas. You have the rest." I urged. Jacob didn't even give it a second thought; he probably didn't know that all I had today was a bowl of cereal with skim milk and an apple for lunch. Although it still felt like I was lying to him, making an excuse not to eat when I should be hungry; I reassured myself with the fact that Jacob really would eat four large pizzas if they were around. I tried to think of it as me being gracious. Still a niggling sense of unease washed over me as I turned off the Wii and went up stairs to bed as Jacobs snores echoed down the hall.

I looked at my watch as I lay in bed unable to sleep.

2am. Great, now what? I asked myself.

I ended up writing a list of things to buy. I felt guilty for not eating enough; my nutrition brain had been all narky for the past few days and that coupled with Charlie's and Jacob's snores prevented me from sleeping. I wracked my brain which wasn't too hard considering how tired I was; I wanted to compare all the nutrients I was getting verses what my body required. For starters I looked at the micronutrients; I just started my period a couple of hours ago which reminded me of my iron requirements. The average teenage girl and woman need 16mg and I was getting maybe 5mg at most; I wrote down iron tablets 5mg and vitamin-C to help absorb it and keep away sickness. I knew if you were losing weight you are more likely to get sick which I didn't want.

After half an hour I had wrote down on the list: iron, vitamin-c, multivitamin, B vitamin tablets, caltrate and caffeine, make up and go see a gp for the pill. However I realised I ended up putting on the makeup and caffeine for my personal benefit not necessarily my body's and I wanted the pill. Most girls would think that strange unless you were having sex or had really bad acne because it can make you gain weight. But I realised that if I lost my period or it went irregular as my weight drops I would become at risk of getting osteoporosis. That is the last thing I need to be; an even weaker more pathetic human than I already am. With that my nutrition qualms were put to rest and I eventually fell asleep.

I woke up later that morning to none other than the sound of rain. I lazily rubbed my temples and throat which were pounding. Ugh I better not be getting sick. I groaned, I would have to have a break from running today. Maybe that extra bit of rest time will help I thought as I made my way once again to the bathroom. I just will have to duck out while Jacob is sleeping. Knowing him he won't wake up till at least twelve noon.

I almost punched the mirror.

I weighed 109.4lb. I only lost 0.4lb.

That is pathetic I screamed silently at myself.

I showered cold to teach my pathetic body a lesson and to wake it up. I looked in the mirror. My long hair pleased me though. I might wear it out to school on Monday; people have commented on how my hair has gotten longer but I have mostly been wearing it up so no one has seen my hair out yet. That made me smile. At least one thing about me I could see beauty in.

I still felt like hitting something as I plaited my hair once I finished drying it. But when I was brushing my teeth something caught my eye in the full length mirror hanging off the bathroom door. There was a feint indication that there are hipbones, buried beneath my female fat. That made me calm down enough to quietly exit the house and come back with everything I needed bar the pill.

Luckily no one is awake on a Saturday morning in the town of Forks so when I ducked into the Pharmacy I didn't have to wait in line and I could dawdle looking at the various components of the supplements so I could decide on the ones I wanted. I ended up getting caltrate 600mg, iron 6mg, vitamin-C 500mg, caffeine, electrolyte sachets 0cal and the multi vitamin which had ample amounts of the b vitamins. I even picked up some black mascara, liquid and pencil eyeliner and a bunch of other stuff. Well to me it seemed like a bunch of stuff but to a normal girl it would still be considered not enough.

Jacob and Charlie were already up by the time I got back, unfortunately they were cooking bacon and eggs.

"Hi Bells do you want some honey?" Charlie asked gesturing to the greasy salty food otherwise known as bacon; I mentally gagged. But for a split second I paused; the smell the sight the calories disgusting me the whole time. Think Bella.

"Um no thanks Dad I had something to eat when I ducked out..." Charlie was satisfied with the answer. Phew.

I sidled onto a stool next to Jacob. My legs didn't even touch the foot rest let alone the floor, Jacob's on the other hand rested comfortably outstretched in front of him on the floor. I sipped black tea and took the pills I recently acquired, except the caffeine. Jacob and Charlie ate in semi silence talking every now and then about some car model I had no idea about which left me to zone out.

I looked over at Jacob once Charlie departed and escorted his plate away with him. Jacobs's plate still had food on it. That wasn't like him. He looked rather hot and flushed. I started to worry.

"Jake are you okay? You look like you have a fever and you haven't eaten your breakfast." I knew I wasn't one to talk because I haven't even consumed any food today but that didn't stop me placing a hand on his forehead.

"Shit Jacob you are burning up! Why didn't you say anything?" I scolded beginning to panic.

"Bells it is okay I am fine." Jacob tried to explain weakly. I scowled and guided him to the couch which was still a bed and ordered him to relax, I on the other hand felt very anxious, almost too anxious. Charlie walked in on me fumbling in the kitchen, clearly noticing me panicking. Before he could open his mouth to ask what was wrong I blurted out: "Jacob... Fever... help?"

A terrible groan could be heard coming from Jacob causing Charlie and I to rush to his side. Jacob's eyes were shut tight and he was clutching his head in what could only be agony.

"Dad. Do something!" I screeched. Charlie was already on it and had lifted Jacob to his feet hissing with the effort. I tried to help support Jacob as best I could as we walked to Charlie's police cruiser.

"It is okay Jacob do you want to go home or do you think you need to go to the hospital?" I asked trying to soothe him by patting his head which was lying in my lap in the back seats.

"No!"

"No what Jake?"

"No hospitals please... take me... to... Billy... home..." Jacob hissed and gasped out as he tossed and turned in my lap. Charlie looked over at him and quickly flicked on his sirens. For a human Charlie could drive extremely well, he was pushing his cruiser over 80 even as we reached the bendy bits in the road.

We were at Billy's house in no time. I went to help Jacob out of the car but toppled into the mud just as Charlie caught Jacob. Billy was predictably in his wheel chair on the front porch looking down at us concerned. We were dripping wet and I was slightly shivering. I realised I was only wearing track pants and a baggy top.

Billy said "I can handle Jacob from here" before he hurriedly went inside, Jacob already stumbling in, slamming the door in our faces. I was slightly shocked but shook it off with slight difficulty as Charlie reassured me that Billy knew what he was doing. "Bells Billy knows what he is doing. Come on you look like you are freezing. Let's get you home..."

All day I was twitching and pacing. Charlie tried without luck to calm me down but failed and ended up watching some crap daytime show whilst cleaning his gun and polishing his leather police gear. I wanted to call but Charlie talked me out of it.

"Jacob probably has a twenty four hour thing, he needs rest Bells call him later tonight."

So that is what I did. I waited all day, I didn't bother eating; I wasn't hungry anyway. I continued pacing and organising and reorganising clothes books and anything else I could.

Why was I getting so worried I questioned. What if he realises he doesn't want me either? Just like... just like... I gasped for air and clutched my chest the hole was tearing me up. My heart seemed to beat too fast for me to keep up with as I lay on my bed rolled up in a ball.

The electronic ringing of our phone promptly snapped me out of it. I rushed down the stairs tripping the whole way down, ignoring the slight dizziness from getting up too fast. I briefly looked at my watch it is 5:34pm maybe Jake is feeling better after all I hoped as I picked up the phone.

"Hi" I squeaked.

"Bella it is me Billy Black." My heart sank it wasn't Jacob. I started to worry.

"Is Jacob alright?" I rudely blurted out before I could stop myself.

"Um yes and no Bella. You see I think it would be best if you didn't call for a few days Jake seems really knocked up and I want him to rest."

I swallowed hard digesting Billy's words.

"Okay. Does Jacob need me to bring him anything? He drove his motor bike here and he still has his homework and clothes in a bag which we forgot to bring with us. I suppose I could bring them around..." I was speaking quickly; I was rambling and getting scared.

"No Bella I will get Sam to come and get his stuff. Don't come around. I'll get Jacob to call when he is feeling better." Billy's voice was firm, almost threatening.

"Bye Bella." He said and hung up. I felt as though Billy was being unreasonable but then again I knew I was even though I didn't want to admit that to anyone including myself, so I just went about my business for the rest of the afternoon. I fell asleep before I could even start on making dinner.

I reluctantly awoke from a dead sleep the next morning. The sky outside my window sported many gray clouds; it was overcast. The lack of rain would have normally cheered me up. My homework was also finished before Jacob came over, that also would have normally cheered me up. But the prospect of not seeing Jacob and being all alone in the house all day bothered me. I looked over at my watch on the bedside table. It read 7:45am.

Why can't I just sleep in till dinner like Jacob? Why do you have to be sick Jake I hope you are okay... I thought as I stepped on the scales; 107.1lb at least one thing is going right.

I looked in the mirror as I stepped into the shower turning on the heat full blast. My thighs still touched. Grrr. I punched myself in the stomach as hot water rushed over me. Muddy water swirled around the drain with the sweet scent of my strawberry shampoo. I sat down on the floor and started to shave after I loaded my hair with conditioner. I nicked myself and flinched as I watched the red blood merge with the water. Stupid weak skin. I thought bitterly as I rinsed the conditioner from my hair before I dried myself then got changed into baggy trackies and a blue top.

Charlie was already eating breakfast and looked over his shoulder as I lazily made my way downstairs; his face fell slightly. Fuck, am I really that obvious?

"Bella if you are worrying about Jake that won't help. Please try for me not to worry. I plan on going to the station today but I can stay here if you want." Charlie hesitantly said.

Yeah right you mean if you need me to stay not if I want you to stay I thought.

"I'll try for you Dad. But you know me. I will be okay I think I will do some laundry today anyways it will be pointless for you to hang around here." I explained as I pulled up a chair sipping some of his disgusting coffee which was almost empty and fairly cold.

"How can you drink this?" I mocked and got up to take my pills. That reminded me to make an appointment with a doctor. The pills went down easily as I drank cold water with them and chewed on the orange flavoured vitamin-C. They reminded me of orange candies as I chewed on one, except this gave me nutrients and didn't have any calories because it is sugarless. I smiled. I would much rather produce expensive urine than get fat.

Charlie was up and had joined me in the kitchen; I took the opportunity to ask about something without really asking. "Dad do you have Dr Gerandy's work number? And also do you know if he still is allowed to practice as a psychiatrist?" I asked formulating a plan if needed.

"Um sure Bells." Charlie seemed a bit taken aback as he wrote the number down on a scrap piece of paper and slid it across the counter. "I thought you seemed to be doing okay. Should I be worried?" Charlie asked awkwardly with worry in his tone. Shit should have thought of that Bella.

"Dad I am coping I just wanted to ask about some concentration problems I have been having with school work. That's all nothing to worry about Dad. In fact I have been doing great ever since that talk." I said with certainty which reassured Charlie and he visibly relaxed.

Tell people what they want to here with even the slightest dash of truth, but no lying, and they will believe you till the cows come home.

"Okay that is great I'll be off but I won't be home for dinner there is something that needs to be attended to at the station, so just eat without me." He gave my arm a rub and walked towards the door. "Bye Dad. I love you." I said and almost instantly turned tomato red glad that Charlie had turned around and was already out the door.

An hour later I had done all of our laundry and had just set the drying machine for another hour on medium. I heard a knock at the door I wasn't expecting anyone and it cannot be Charlie because he already has a key. I opened the door to see a very tall young Indian man that looked incredibly familiar.

"Hi Bella I am Sam Uley. I am here for Jacob's stuff." He said it with so much authority that I forgot to say hello and just said "Yeah wait a sec' I'll get it from my room." I ran with haste, miraculously not tripping, and returned with Jacob's stuff.

"Here you go." I mumbled. Sam turned around and walked over to Jacob's black motorcycle. He didn't even say good bye. I remembered Sam Uley but where we met in the forest on that-that day was too painful to reminisce on. I also wondered how he got here because there was no sign of another vehicle.

The rest of the day dragged by at a snail's pace; except this snail had manacles attached. I had booked an appointment for the doctor on Monday at lunch time meaning I would get off school early but also mean that I would miss gym class. But I knew that it would be worth it in the end. I could still feel a slight tingling in my throat and cussed inwardly. I don't want to be sick which means no exercise again; at least it isn't as bad as before.

I spent the rest of my waking hours reading articles on the internet about being healthy and losing weight whilst sipping warm milk, skim obviously, and with honey dissolved into it to sooth my throat. When the sun had set and my tummy rumbled in a pleading manor I actually bothered having something that resembled dinner; a can of tuna and a slice of wholemeal bread. I thought I should treat myself and had a flying saucer well the last one left after Jacob ate them all. I wondered how he was doing as I savoured every bite knowing I could not allow myself to buy more, after all I had bought them to treat myself I might as well have the last one. Before putting my foot on the accelerator for weight loss.

My stomach got slightly bloated from the shock of having food that was so calorie rich being taken. Fuck me. I decided I would not weigh myself tomorrow morning because the doctor would anyway but I also decided not to eat anything until after the doctor appointment.

Once again I am sorry for the lame ending to the chapter. When I said caltrate in the vitamins list it is a brand for calcium supplements in Australia and I don't know if they have it in the USA (which I am going back to so I can see my family).

Sorry if this chapter isn't as well put together, I sort of rushed editing process. Oh and the italic phrases I wish I did that in the previous chapters, I think they will represent the voice and Bella's destructive thoughts. And sorry about the part where she asks about the doctor's phone number, I don't think I put that section together very well.

I also decided to make Jacob a really close friend and sort of remove the sexual tension that is in the books because writing about Bella's love and eating disorder will probably result in a very complicated plot line. Besides I like it when they are good friends and Jacob does cute stuff like peck her on the forehead =P

BTW: the thing with the voice in Bella's head isn't really a voice, I know for some that suffer an eating disorder that happens and others it doesn't but for Bella, and a lot of other people(such as myself and others I have known), it is like an intense feeling that drives thought into words. Like she feels what the voice is saying rather that hearing the voice say it to her in her mind. Does that make sense? Eating disorders can be confusing as hell to understand if you haven't had one so comment and ask anything you want.

Read, Review; praise, criticism and comments are much appreciated!