Chapter 4
I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach as I heard him say 'THE' name. The dreaded, off-limits name. The name that I only, ever thought of when I was too depressed… too exhausted to keep up the barriers in my mind…barriers to the compartment in which I kept my memories of 'Him'…
The name of the 'One' person in the world who had the power to shake and shatter all my preconceived notions of the life I had. The 'One' person who could immediately see right through my carefully constructed charade to the actual person I was within. The 'One' person who always knew how lonely, desperate and needy I was even when I didn't know it myself. The 'One' person who could always make the world a better place, just by smiling. The 'One' person whose hugs had the power to warm even the coldest of hearts. The 'One' person that I could never forget…no matter how hard I tried.
'Him'… 'Jacob'…'My Sun'….'My Bestest Friend in the whole wide world'….
The 'One' person that I had hurt the Most. The 'One' person that I had turned my back on. The 'One' person whose heart I had broken a million times but who had still loved me…more than I had ever imagined or deserved. The 'One' person that I had not spoken to in 6 long years… '6' Fucking long years!!!
And the 'One' person whose forgiveness I had NO RIGHT to even ask for.
I suddenly realized that I felt a little faint and out of breath and quickly sat down before my legs gave out. I was totally speechless. It's like I had forgotten how to breathe, to speak. All I could do was close my eyes and try to assimilate all the thoughts and the images that hearing 'His' name had conjured up in my mind. The door to 'The compartment' had been blown right off its hinges and all the memories were seeping through…flooding my mind…in a kaleidoscope of light, color and sound…
Jacob and me on First Beach the first time we met…
Jacob and me in his garage, drinking warm sodas while he tinkered with his beloved Rabbit….
Jacob and me on our bikes; him teaching me how to ride…
Jacob and me on the cliff…
Jacob and me waiting for Mike in the movie theater…
Sitting with Jacob by the bonfire while Billy and the rest of the elders told tales of the Quileute legends…
The first time I saw Jacob – the werewolf…beautiful, glorious…
Jacob kidnapping me from school before Alice could do anything…
Jacob's smile…which had always felt like the sun bursting out from behind dark clouds…
His warm, bright eyes…the joy he took in everything he did…his exuberance…
The way he always felt too warm to the touch and how I never had to worry about the cold when he was around me…My Personal Space Heater…
The way he always just HAD to hug me or hold my hand or touch my hair…
All these memories just popped up in my mind…like I was watching a slideshow…in slow motion…
And then faster and faster… Jake hugging me, Jake kissing me, "Bells honey", "I'll never see anyone else, Bella. I only see you"
Even today, after all these years that statement had the power to bring tears to my eyes…
"I'm in love with you, Bella. And I want you to pick me instead of him. I know you don't feel that way, but I need the truth out there so that you know your options."….
"You love me, too…Not the same way, I know. But he's not your whole life, either. Not anymore. Maybe he was once, but he left. And now he's just going to have to deal with the consequence of that choice —me "….
"I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us —comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken...if the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic."…..
"The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."
And "That should have been our first kiss. Better late than never."……"I'm not going to cut you in half anymore"….
"Until your heart stops beating Bella…I'll be here – fighting"…
But I hadn't given him that opportunity… I had run away from him the first opportunity I got… without even saying goodbye… God…what a selfish BITCH I'd been!
The last time I saw Jake was at my wedding reception. I will always remember how I felt when I saw him there. The relief, the joy…the overwhelming joy… He had been gone for so long…and I had been so worried about him… I was so very glad that he was back safe and sound… but I was torn between wanting to dance with joy that he was back safe and sound and feeling horribly, terribly guilty about what I was putting him through… I knew how difficult this occasion was for him.
I remembered dancing with him…holding on to each other so desperately…saying goodbye…once again…
I always knew he loved me…even before he told me, even when I was completely broken up over Edward, I always knew. But I think that the day of my wedding is the first time I realized just how much…just how much he cared…how much I meant to him. The fact that he came back, knowing how much it would hurt him, the fact that he behaved, the fact that he tried to at least pretend to be happy…for my sake…. made it perfectly clear.
I still remember the torment, the horror in his eyes at the thought of what I had chosen for myself! I think I'll always remember that look…I think his eyes will haunt me forever…the despair, the grief, the hopelessness…
At that moment, I thought I still had time to make it up to him…to make him understand…to say a proper goodbye…
But then came the honeymoon…and what followed later made everything else fade in comparison… it changed my whole life...in a way I never even imagined it could.
I wonder what I would have done if I knew then what was in store for me in the future…
Would I have said something different, done something else, tried harder to patch things up with him…if I knew that I wouldn't see him again…not for 6 long years…and maybe…possibly…never??
And now that I was reminded of the old times once again…I realized how much I had missed Jake…how very much I had missed the company and support of my best friend…while also realizing the futility of my feelings.
I didn't even realize that the phone had fallen out of my hand…that I had tears running down my face… that I was almost curled up on the floor… hugging my knees to my chest…trying to hold myself together…to prevent my heart from shattering under the onslaught of the grief…
I wonder why I'm surprised by my reaction…remembering Jacob's pain had almost undone me but I still shouldn't be so surprised…after all Jake's pain had always been my pain.
"Bella…BELLA!!!" Dylan was frantic… I hadn't said a single word to him since he had spoken Jake's name… he could hear me sobbing my heart out and he was worried…justifiably so…
Dylan and Lisa had both seen me at the worst time of my life…they knew what I had been through when I left Edward (minus the supernatural part of course…or the ACTUAL reason I left him…no one knew that…except for me, Edward and the rest of the Cullens)…what I had 'become' and I think they would have done just about anything to ensure that I didn't revert back to that cold, lifeless person again…
When I still didn't respond, he quickly called Lisa to the line… I could hear him explaining the whole situation to her in the background. I also heard her chastising him for bringing the topic up…especially over the telephone…when I was thousands of miles away… Something about him being a 'stupid, idiotic moron!'
Then she took the phone and ordered everyone else to leave the room. Suddenly the music stopped playing and the voices of the people faded away…there was silence except for Lisa's voice.
"Bella sweetie…talk to me. Don't mind Dylan… He was just being a jerk, as usual" Lisa spoke soothingly. I could tell that she was really worried and I felt terrible for causing them unnecessary stress. I wanted very badly to reassure them that I was fine…but I was not capable of coherent thought…not yet… I desperately tried to get my emotions under control…
"Take deep breaths Bella… just like we practiced. Come on…count them with me…IN…now OUT…" Lisa went on. I followed her advice and soon felt a little calmer. Lisa realized I was much better, and started filling me on the details of the party…useless, nonsensical details, giving me enough time to compose myself…
Thank you God…Thank you for friends like Lisa...
Once I was finally in better control of my faculties, I assured her that I was doing fine now. Dylan came back on the line and apologized profusely. I told him there was nothing to forgive, that it was my own fault for suppressing my emotions like I did…that as a psychology major, I knew better. He finally realized I was doing much better and handed the phone back to Lisa, relieved that the crisis had been averted.
"Are you sure you're okay, Bella?" Lisa asked me. I could hear the concern in her voice. I'm sure she's wondering why I lost it so completely. In the past I'd only ever reacted this way when Edward's name came up unexpectedly.
"I'm fine Lisa. Don't worry about me so much. I just overreacted to hearing Jacob's name…I guess I'm only just now realizing how much I miss him, Lisa…I miss my best friend. And I can't have him! That's what hurt the most. The realization that I had burnt all my bridges where Jake is concerned" I told her.
"You don't know that. If you just talk to him and explain the whole situation to him, I'm sure you guys would be able to work things out. I mean from what you told me about him, he really cared about you, right? Then I'm sure he will forgive you. And anyways he can't blame you for loving someone else. How is that your fault? We can't control who we fall for remember?" Lisa commented.
If only you knew the whole story, you wouldn't be s sure Lisa…How can he forgive me after what I did? I wouldn't be able to if I were in his place…
But saying that out loud would prompt more questions than I was prepared to answer. So I changed the subject, asking her about what she was up to.
I and Lisa spoke for some more time and caught up on the happenings of the past couple of days. We had a good laugh about the fact that Dylan had apparently got into a fight with a guy after he unknowingly hit on his girlfriend…typical Dylan!
I was feeling really drained so I told her that Renee was waiting for me and that I had to go. We renewed our promises to keep in touch every couple of days and then I hung up.
The moment I kept the phone down, I realized that I had a pounding headache and that no matter how hard I tried, I would not be able to pretend with mom that I was fine. Especially not when I had red eyes, a blotchy face and a runny nose. She would know immediately that something was very wrong.
So I went down and told her that talking to Dylan and Lisa had made me miss them a whole lot and that I was not in the mood for a movie and would it be ok to skip it for the night?
She was completely fine with it and so after wishing her a good night, I went up to my room and lay down, praying that I would be able to sleep soon. But that was easier said than done. I could not stop the thoughts that were rolling around in my mind… I could not force the memories back into the compartment…they refused to be shut out now that they were free…
So I did what I always did in such circumstances…I took a little cough syrup and went off to sleep…