Chapter 4: People Once Known
Hermione and Ron were standing in the corner of Harry Potter's room, mouths open with aghast expressions upon their faces and what Harry had become. True, he might have looked horrible in the dim lighting of the TV room, but that was nothing compared to how he looked in the bright sunlight that was flooding into the room through several opened windows. His stubble was matted down with bits of food and chunks of hardened drinks, he smelled like sour whiskey and chewing tobacco, and his eyes were completely bloodshot and puffy. He looked so hideous that Hermione and Ron both had to exchange confirmatory glances and nod before even speaking to him. It was Hermione, however, that took the initiative.
"Harry. Erm... Ginny told us you've been having some trouble lately. I - well we, wanted to stop by and see if we could do anything to help. Because frankly Harry, we miss you. It's been years. We want to spend time with you. We want Harry Potter back, the boy and the man that we know is in there." she said clearly and slowly, almost as though she thought he might attack. Harry knew she would approach him like this, for too many times had she seen him overreact. Ron nodded to her right, but did not meet Harry's eyes.
"You do, do you? You sure? I don't think you actually care at all, really. No one wants me back. Life is better for everyone. Has anyone died since I've disappeared? Anyone been hurt? Actually this is probably the first time you two have ever avoided mortal peril for such an extended amount of time. So why are you wanting me back then? Feeling sorry that I'm a hideous fat cow then, eh? Well I don't want to go back and ruin more lives, thanks. So thank you two for visiting. Go on then, have a good laugh at me and then leave." Harry turned and sat on his bed, his fat back facing the two of them as he slammed his parents photo album shut and cursed at it.
"Harry, mate. Please stop. I miss you! I want you to be Harry again. The Harry I met on the Hogwarts Express on the first day. The boy I fought the troll with, drank polyjuice potion with, got lost in the Forbidden Forest with, and saw Viktor Krum Wronski Feint with at the Quidditch World Cup. My best friend, mate. Not the Boy-Who-Lived, but YOU. Because we both know there's so much more to you than that." Ron said as he walked over and stood in front of Harry. Though he was barely recognizable as Harry Potter, Ron looked at him with that same boyish grin that made their best friend days come right back. Harry felt for one fleeting moment like the three of them were back in Gryffindor Tower, about to throw on the invisibility cloak and run down to visit Hagrid.
"I miss you guys, it's really not that. It's the fact that I am nobody now. I am not Harry Potter and I don't even know that person you're talking about. Don't you understand that I've been burying him for ten solid years? I've been shoving all those memories out because they're too painful. The fact that I can never again talk to Sirius, that I can never shake Dumbledore's hand and say thank you..." Harry's voice trailed off, his voice slightly stifled as tears welled up in his eyes.
The thought of Dumbledore was what really destroyed Harry. The thought of such a great wizard, of such a great man, risking his life and his soul for Harry Potter. He sacrificed himself to protect Harry, to protect all of those students at Hogwarts. And it wasn't so much as this as it was the fact that He never got to say goodbye. He never got to say thank you, to look once again in his blue eyes and his lined face, never got to feel that strength and power and warmth from him while he said goodbye. The tears were now flowing steadily and Harry buried his face in his hands. Hermione came over and patted him on his back.
"I know it's hard," Hermione said, "but you have to trust us that we want to be with you. Do you think Dumbledore would be proud to see you sitting here and hating yourself for who you were born to be? I cannot pretend that it's easy, Harry, or that I can even come close to realizing how hard this has been on you for your entire life... but all those people who died died to make sure that we live, Harry. They would want to see you happy, living, celebrating that V-Voldemort is gone. That they made that happen and that you made that happen. Don't keep letting them down by living like this. What about all the survivors? Don't pretend like we're dead too."
"I never thought I'd say this," said Ron, "but you cannot live in fear, mate. You've always been the brave one, but now you're acting the coward and refusing to be who you actually are. Please come back to us. That's all we have to say. Please reconsider and come back to all of us." And with that, the two of them patted him on the back once more and said 'to Dumbledore's past and current army' and then walked out the door as mysteriously as they had come.
When the two of them left, Ginny entered the room, looking beautiful and windswept. She was wearing a silk dressing gown and smiling eagerly at Harry.
"So...?" she asked hurriedly. "What do you think? What did they say?"
"They said everything I know, and everything I needed to know. I know I need to stop this. I know I can't do this to you. I love you, Ginny, and yet all I do is push you away. I can't believe you even stayed with me through all of this. I honestly cannot believe what I've become. If Dumbledore could see me, I think he would cry even if he were in heaven..." Harry trailed off, looking up into Ginny's sympathetic and stunning face. He wanted to touch her, to make her realize how much he cared for her and how sorry he was, but he felt too repulsed by himself to do it. He wanted to sink away and disappear, and yet he wanted to return; he wanted to be Harry Potter once more.
"Listen, Harry," started Ginny, "do what you think would make you happy. Are you truly happy living like this? Do you think that all those people who died and sacrificed themselves for the greater good would want to see you living like this? You are an amazing human being, and you are loved by so many people. Your parents died to save you, so did Sirius, so did Dumbledore. I think that they would be forever happy if you lived your life as the Harry that they knew and loved, as the Harry I know still lies within you." With that, she moved towards him and kissed him softly on the cheek, touching his face gently and then gazing into his vivid green eyes. She brushed back his hair and tenderly kissed the lightning bolt scar that he had kept hidden for so long.
With Ginny's compassion and Hermione and Ron's words, Harry knew what had to be done.
He had to return. He had to return to the wizarding world, he had to remember it all, even relive it all, and he had to go back to where it all went wrong. He needed to go back to the one place that meant more to him than anything: Hogwarts.