This chapter is long overdue, but documents got erased, a certain FanFiction writer got frustrated but she came out of her funk. And I do hope the length makes up for the tardiness.

Good news though, I went to a Lonestar concert last night and I heard a new, beautiful song that has inspired my next chapter so hopefully that'll help it go faster.

TRIGGER WARNING- IF MENTIONING SUICIDE, ATTEMPTING SUICIDE, COMMITTING SUICIDE OR JUST THE TOPIC IN GENERAL IS A DIFFICULT SUBJECT FOR YOU STOP READING WHEN YOU SEE THE * AND START AGAIN WHENYOU SEE **

"I believe there are more than Angels watching over me."

~Diamond Rio

Javier blinked his eyes and stifled a yawn, but there was no way he was tired.

All night long, he hadn't moved from Kevin's recliner in his living room. He slowly turned his head towards Castle holding Beckett in his arms both asleep.

He sighed and pushed himself off the couch, at least some of them got sleep in this disaster. Every time he closed he eyes, he saw Kevin getting shot and dying in his arms. It brought a whole new definition to the word 'nightmare'.

He shuffled his bare feet into the kitchen and started to pull out coffee grinds and a mug from the top shelf. He would need the caffeine to keep him up.

So many times him and Kevin had used this kitchen to experiment with new recipes they had found on the internet. Now it was just a memory because now he had to make those recipes by himself.

He sniffled back a few tears that he wouldn't let spill, when he remembered so many times crashing at Kev's apartment and being forced to make two mugs of coffee for the two because Kevin was not a morning person, especially after only falling asleep at four because they were up all night on Madden.

But now that was all gone. Forever.

He inhaled sharply and grabbed the edge of the counter leaning over trying to steady his breathing.

He was almost calm until a hand on his shoulder made him jump. He turned to see Jenny and he relaxed, "I didn't mean to scare you, Javi." She apologized.

Javier smiled for a second before pulling out another mug, "It's okay, coffee?"

She shook her head, "Nothing right now please. My stomach is still in a knots." She sat down and ran her hands through her messy hair.

"I could make some tea, that should help with settling your stomach." Javier turned on the tea kettle.

"Thanks," She nodded and pulled out the chair next to her, "while you're waiting for the water to boil, there's something I need to talk to you about."

Javi nodded and took his coffee cup now that it had been filled. He sat down next her in the empty seat and placed his hand on hers.

Jenny took in a deep breath and Javier could see tears in her eyes, "I just...wanted to apologize for my behavior the other night." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I shouldn't have acted like such a bitch. I knew it was Madden Night..."

"Don't worry, Jen, really, I don't blame you. Really he should have spent more time with his family." He tried to assure her.

"You're family too, and he said he'd bring you over next time so we could all be together, it was a great idea, but I shot it down because I was jealous."

"Jenny, you don't have any reason to be jealous of me."

Jenny ignored him and continued, "When we first started dating, do you know how hard it was to have a conversation that didn't involve you? But that was one of the the things I think I secretly loved about him." Jenny smiled before she let her tears fall, "Thank you,"

"For what? I didn't do anything except let him take a bullet."

She picked her head up and turned to him and kissed his cheek, "You did so much more, if only you realized."

Javier was about to speak again when he heard a pair of feet skip into the kitchen. "Uncle Javi?" Sarah Grace smiled taking her thumb out of her mouth, "Did you sleep over?"

"Yeah," He pulled her up and placed her on his lap. "Why are you up so early?" He asked in her ear.

"I help Daddy get ready." She smiled.

Javi tried to hide his breath shuddering and laughed, "I've noticed. You're a master at hair styling, sunshine."

She giggled, "You want a turn?" She jumped off his lap and started to drag him to the hall.

He looked up at Jenny and saw her tears, but she shook her head, "I'm okay, go on, I'll make breakfast."

Javier nodded and allowed himself to get dragged into the fairly small bathroom.

She pushed him in front of the mirror and she used the toilet to climb up onto the counter by the sink.

She opened the mirror/cabinet and pulled out a brush first. She dragged it through his hair even though there wasn't much. She noticed this, "Daddy's is so much easier, it's so long." She laughed and Javi smiled.

"Yeah? Is mine too short?"

"Nope, I'll make it work." She nodded her head seriously and her uncle laughed.

"After I comb his hair, I use the gel." She explained pulling it out, and sticking four fingers in covering them in a mountain of gel.

Javi eyed it warily before clearing his throat, "This is gonna make a mess, isn't it?"

"Just a little." She said before rubbing her hand through his hair with a smile. She pulled and pushed his hair in different directions.

"You're pretty rough," He smiled with a wince when he felt her nails spreading it to his scalp.

"You sound like Daddy, he complains when I do this too." She swatted his head lightly.

And just as fast as Javier had finally had something else on his mind, Kevin was right back in it.

"Uhh, Sarah, I think it's good." He tried to get her away so he didn't start to cry in front of his niece.

She finished up a few last pieces before she put down the gel and smiled, "Almost done, next Daddy does...?" She thought to herself trying to think of what he usually did next in his morning routine. "Ohh!"

She used her sticky hands to dig through the cabinet again and pulled out a glass bottle. "Close your mouth and eyes."

Javier listened and when she sprayed some of his cologne, he took in the smell slowly and almost cried right there because it smelt so much like his partner, it hurt.

"Done!" She smiled and kissed his lips before trapping him in a hug. He slowly returned the hug as tears fell down his cheeks.

She suddenly pulled back and Javier tried to hide his tears, "Oh but when you see Daddy, if he asks who used his stuff, blame Uncle Rick...why are you crying? Don't you like it?" Her voice grew quiet.

Javier wiped his nose and nodded his head, "I love it, sunshine, really, it's nothing."

She nodded and as he looked into her baby eyes that seemed so big on her chubby little face and four the first time in the five years of knowing her, all he could notice was how much she looked like her Dad. Like his partner.

"Hey, leprechaun," He put on a fake smile and tried to convince her he was fine by using his nickname for her he used when he was happy and joking with her. "Why don't you go see if Mom's done with breakfast." He tickled her tummy before lifting her off the counter and placing her on the floor.

She giggled and ran out of the bathroom down the hall. Once she was gone he almost fell on the door trying to close it before he fell into a heap to the floor.

How was he supposed to keep it all together? How was he supposed to stay strong? How was he supposed to keep living without Kevin?

He didn't want to do any of those things...he just wanted Kevin back.

He slammed his head against the bedroom door again and again just wanting this all to end. Why couldn't he have been taken instead of him? His partner has a family! He doesn't have as much.

Kevin was his brother. After work, they went out for a beer, they played Madden, he was dragged to too many of Kevin's family holiday dinners.

He was nothing now more than a detective...nothing more than a broken heart...

He breathed heavily and stood up standing to look at himself in the mirror, he looked like crap to put it nicely.

And it was Ryan's fault. He left him on this planet with nothing. "Nothing!" He yelled without knowing it and before he knew what he was doing, his hand was searching through the cabinet for something that would solve his problems.

"Come on," He growled under his breath until his fingers stumbled upon the orange bottle.

*He plucked it out and his fingers curled around it and a grin spread across his exhausted face because this would make it all better right? This would being him to Kevin?

He pushed down on the cap to try to open it and was about to pour the pills into his hand when a voice from the doorway stopped him.

"What are you doing?"

He almost dropped the bottle, but quickly hid it behind his back so the visitor at the door didn't see.

"What are you doing?" His grip tightened around the pills.

"We heard you yell, Uncle Ricky told me to see if you were okay." She said as she curiously tried to look behind his back. Oh great, now they were all awake.

"Just stubbed my toe." He tried to smile, but she frowned.

"Those are Daddy's." She simply said.

"Huh?" The statement caught him off guard.

"He says they're not candy. He says there for him when he doesn't feel well." She crossed her arms.

"Well, he lets me borrow them and I don't feel well." Esposito avoided the toddler's gaze. He expected her to somehow figure out what he was doing, but she didn't.

She gave him a hug around his knees and said, "Feel better, Uncle Javi, love ya'."

He numbly bent over and kissed the top of her head before skipping out.

His partner left that little girl behind. His little princess behind. And it was all his fault.

He looked at the small pile of pills in his hand wondering if it would be enough to do the job. He put his hand on his gun in his belt and something inside of him drew him to thinking that was the answer. Kevin went out with a bullet, why should he get anything less painful?

He just couldn't live with himself knowing Kevin lost his life to save his. Kevin wasted it, considering after he saved his, he wanted to give away. Like if maybe if he prayed hard enough, God would allow a little trade; he would give him his if he gave back Kevin's.

He popped five pills into his mouth to start and dropped the empty bottle in the sick before slipping into his partner's room.

He slipped the gun of his holster and lifted it up, this was the end and he'd be with Kevin forever.

Sarah joined her mom, aunt and uncle at the table quietly. She started picking at her cereal and turned to her mom, "Mommy, is Uncle Javi sick?"

"No, honey, he's just not been himself lately and that's none of our concern." She was surprised by her daughter's inquiry because they all knew why Javi was really depressed the past day or so. All except Sarah.

"He said he wasn't feeling well..." She whispered sadly into her spoon.

Kate used her finger to brush a piece of hair out of Sarah's face, "We know, beautiful, but just give him his space for now."

She groaned before dropping her spoon into her bowl, "No, it's serious!" She looked over at her mom. "You remember when Daddy got sick?" She turned from each of the adults to the next. "He got those med'cines?"

Medicine? The pain relievers he had gotten from the doctor after he'd been shot in the leg last year?

Jenny dropped her dish rag and turned to her daughter ignoring Castle and Beckett's confused looks. "How many times has he told you that's not candy, Sarah Grace! You aren't to play with them!"

"I wasn't Mommy!" She groaned shaking her head getting frustrated that no one would listen, "I told Uncle Javi that Daddy said it wasn't candy, but he said Daddy let him borrow them..."

"Oh my God!" Jenny covered her mouth picking her head up to see Castle already running down the hall.

Beckett put her hand on Jenny's shoulder, "It's okay, you stay here with Sarah."

"Kate, Kate, he's gonna OD, you've got to save him. I can't lose him too!" She cried.

"Just stay here!" The more that Jenny said this out loud, the more she was scared. She quickly ran after Castle and saw him leaving the bathroom.

"Empty bottle, but he's not there!" He took a sharp turn into Ryan's bedroom and shoved open the door just in time to see Javier lifting his gun up to his temple.

"Javier!" He yelled running towards him.

Javi didn't even move before he was tackled to the ground by Castle. The writer still running on adrenaline, was able to pin the the detective's arms above his head and keep his legs down.

For once in her life, Beckett stood stunned in the doorway with Javier's gun at her feet. She had been in situations like this, but never was her one of her family on the other side of the gun. She had never felt so helpless.

Castle continued to wrestle the Hispanic detective despite the tears that burned his eyes. He notice him moving around something in his mouth...the pills!

"Spit them out, Javier!" He yelled through tears.

Javier had his eyes squeezed shut as tears flowed out of them, but kept his mouth shut.

Castle gritted his teeth and quickly stuck his finger in Esposito's mouth feelings the pills with his finger. He tried to pull them out, but he wouldn't budge.

"Javier Esposito, spit them out of your fucking mouth or so help me! You have a family! Get your head out of your fucking ass! What will killing yourself do other than cause more pain?!" He yelled watching his throat to make sure it didn't show movement of swallowing.

Espo let out a strangled cry before spitting three pills onto the carpet. He making another choking sob before he dropped the other five from his hand.

"I'm sorry, Rick." He was breathing heavily staring down at the pills scattered in front of him. "I just can't do it anymore!"

Rick pulled him into a hug, trying his best to hold back his tears. "No, stop, we can do this-together-just hang in there. He's gone, but you taking your life won't make it any better."

Javier pushed back weakly, "I don't want to, not without him." He wiped his nose with the back of his hand slowly.

"Just hang in there." Castle repeated not knowing what to say.

Javier shook his head, "Castle, you don't understand-"

"The Hell I don't! He's my brother too! I love him too, but I'm not gonna go swallow pills to try and make it all better!" He looked wide eyed at the detective who only leaned back staring at the ceiling.

"He saved my life, Castle. He's dead because I couldn't fucking take care of myself. My partner is dead because of me!" He screamed going back into a hysterical state of mind.

"He did that because your his partner! He had your back!" Castle yelled back.

"Then why didn't I have his?!" Javier screamed even louder as he stared in Castle's blue eyes that were much too similar to Ryan's.

Castle's eyes softened and he whispered, "Is that what this is all about? Not having his back? Not having his back would be killing yourself because how the Hell are you supposed to take care of Jenny and Sarah if you're dead? Huh? Jenny said it herself that she can't lose you too and Sarah came out worried that there was something wrong with her Uncle because he was downing pills. You wanna have his back? Now's your chance to step up to the plate. He told you to take care of those two. That's having his back."

Javier looked up at Castle and didn't say anything; he only stared into Castle's eyes before he pushed himself back up and wrapped his arms around the writer, "I'm sorry." He repeated a few times before Castle shook his head, "Just please don't scare any of us like that again."

He looked around, "I gotta...I gotta go apologize to Sarah...she shouldn't have seen me like that..."

He groaned trying to push himself up but his eyes kept falling closed.

Castle's eyes widened slapping the detective's face, "Espo!" He shook him lightly before he finally reopened his eyes.

"Wha..?" He groaned.

"Did you swallow any of those pills?!" He pressed two fingers against his neck feeling for a pulse.

"Mmm, one, m'ybe two." He rubbed his face.

Castle pulled him up, "Let's go get you on the couch and ask Jenny how serious they are..." He looked over at Beckett and she slowly shook out of her daze and came to Castle's side.

The two walked the the half-conscious detective out of the room into the living room.

When Jenny saw him, she lunged herself onto him crying loudly, "Javier don't you ever do that again!" She pulled back to give him a harsh glare, but she grew confused when she saw him.

"Jenny, how strong are these?"

"What?"

"How many did Kevin usually take?" Castle repeated.

Jenny nodded, "Oh, well, they were his painkillers for when he got shot last Fall. Usually took one each night, but if the pain was too much he usually took two to pass out for a few hours." She rubbed her nose with a tissue and her eyes widened. "How many did he take...?!"

"One or two," Castle let out a sigh of relief laying down Javier onto the cushions.

Jenny stared down at him anxiously before whispering, "I should have gotten rid of those, I was just afraid of Kevin getting hurt again."

Castle brought her in for a hug, "It's not your fault, you even taught Sarah not to play with them. Javier is just lost right now..." He patted her back before pulling away.

"Listen, no one finds out about this." Beckett finally spoke up. "If one person finds out that Espo tried to..." She nodded when she looked down at Sarah Grace. "you know, they'll label him unstable and he'll probably be sent to some mental home because they will push it on him with questions." She tucked his gun in her belt, "He's different, he never talks about all his problems, he gets over them by moving on..." She shook her head, "I've never seen him like this before, not even with Ike, but this is Ryan and it doesn't surprise me..." She shook her head.

"It's gonna be difficult for all of us, but we have to help him through it." Castle sighed looking at the unconscious detective to the other two women. "Coffee?" He offered weakly.

**The day went by slowly, fidgeting and dosing off only to be woken back up by a nightmare for all of them.

Sarah had stolen a nap on Javier's chest as he got the sleep that he deprived his body of last night.

Beckett was staring down at her tea (Caste refused to make another cup of coffee after her fourth) as Jenny and Castle silently sat besides her, all three lost in thought.

"I don't think I've been that scared in a long time..." Beckett whispered.

Castle and Jenny both looked up at the sudden voice.

"Kevin's death was scary, but...some part of me knew...back there as you wrestled him I had no idea what was going to happen. And for once I couldn't do anything. I felt like there was nothing I could do to change Javier's mind." She looked tearfully up at Castle, "If it wasn't for you...I don't think we would have saved him tonight..." She let her tears silently drip down her nose and plop almost gracefully into her tea.

"That's what partners are for, right?" Castle smiled squeezing her hand. "I'm always here for you."

It was silent for a moment or so more, the clock on the wall that read 5:45 was ticking slowly.

"What are we supposed to do...?" Jenny's soft voice interrupted the clock.

"With what?" Beckett refocused her gaze on the widow.

"Our life?" She said sadly, "Kevin is gone and I don't think I fully understand that. It feels like he's just on overtime, and I keep telling myself he'll be home soon." She wiped her eyes. "I wish I'd stop because I'm tired of getting my hopes up...and having my heart smashed to pieces again and again." She sighed, "I haven't even told Sarah Grace," She finally let the tears fall. "He wanted to do so much with her, he always told me about everything he was gonna teach her, the books she was gonna read with him and movie he had to see her reaction to when they watched. And now she won't even have a Daddy."

Her head fell to the table and her shoulders shook uncontrollably. It was like a cruel fate for this immediate family, Beckett's mom had been murdered, Castle's Dad wasn't there for his childhood and still is hardly there and Javi's Dad abandoned him and his mother. Of course, Sarah Grace had to lose her father.

"Well, Jenny, my mom was murdered and sometimes...I know it's hard; it's going to be just as hard with Kevin, but I still ended up pretty well. With a husband, two brothers, a sister and a beautiful niece." She sighed, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that he won't be here physically, but neither was my mom and with people around me I managed to get through it everyday. I still do."

Jenny sighed trying to calm her breathing, "I'm gonna miss him so much." She started to cry again and Beckett rubbed her back, not daring to say anything more because it wasn't fair of he to try and justify why this man was ripped their lives.

"His wake is in two days and then his funeral. I still have to get so much done," She bowed her head on the table, "I'm gonna tell Sarah Grace tomorrow," She sniffled. "She deserves to know before she sees him. I just hope she understands."

Castle gave her an empathetic frown just imagining someone explaining to little Alexis that he was dead. She was mature for her age, she'd understand what happened. And for once Castle wasn't so sure about something that seemed so much like common sense until you thought about it.

Was it better to understand death or to question it's intentions?

He had written many deaths in his novels, but he began to rethink his character's reactions. Is that really something they would do?

There was no way of knowing though, everyone coped differently and that made everything just a bit harder.

Javier groaned rubbing his eyes tiredly, he felt a heavy weight on his chest, like he couldn't breath.

Did he do it? The last thing he thinks happened was being tackled by Castle and he lost his gun, but he still had pills in his mouth. Maybe he swallowed those?

That would explain the pain on his chest and the amount of energy it took to open his eyes. Weren't you supposed to be healed when you went to Heaven? Or maybe God didn't forgive him for taking his life.

That means he's even father from Kevin.

"He's moving." He heard a voice that sounded a lot like Castle's. How did Castle get here too?

"Give him room, Castle." Beckett too?

"Sarah is the one on top of him!" Castle whined.

No! He didn't hurt Sarah did he? She didn't try to follow in his footsteps hopefully? Why else would she be here!?

He groaned again and slowly opened one eye trying to figure this all out.

"C'stle..." He groaned and looked down to his chest to see Sarah Grace sleeping in his arms.

Maybe she was okay...maybe he just didn't-

"Javi!" Jenny practically cried leaning over and kissed his cheeks. "Oh my God, you're okay." She sobbed.

"I didn't...?" He trailed off hugging Sarah tighter as she began to wake up.

"Not with us around." Castle said, still looking angry, not that he blamed her.

Javi sighed and nodded his head, "Thanks Castle, I'm sorry for overreacting."

Castle shook his head, "You already apologized to us, you were giving one to a certain princess before you passed out." He looked down at the toddler sucking her thumb on his chest.

Tears fell down his face as he turned to look at the toddler in his arms. She looked so innocent wrapped in her blanket with her blonde twirls peeking out.

"I'm sorry I lied to you, Sarah, I won't ever do it again. I don't know what I was thinking...I wasn't thinking at..." He rubbed her back and tried to use her presence as a comfort.

"Were you trying to go with him...?" She asked.

"What?"

"Daddy, he told me that you were trying to see him, but I needed you more." She didn't look anyone in the eye as she fumbled with Javier's button.

"He said he was our guardian angel...he would always be watching..." She explained quietly.

Nobody moved, they were all silent and just stared down at the five year old.

"How do you know this...?" Javi finally asked.

"He told me in my dream. Just like the first time." She shrugged her shoulders.

"This has happened before?" Castle asked getting interested.

The blonde turned her head and looked towards Castle, "Yeah, the other night. He said he had to leave for a while, but I'd see him again. I asked if I could go, but he said Mommy needed me here."

Jenny covered her mouth and shook her head, "That's not possible is it?"

Castle shrugged his shoulders, "Scientists have proven that kids are much more vulnerable, so to speak, to spirits." He looked at the other adults, "So yes, it is very possible."

Jenny laid her head back down when the conversation didn't interest her and Javier stared down at her, wishing he was her age so he could talk to Kevin too.

Just like the other three.

Now the oak trees are swaying

In the early autumn breeze

A golden sun is shining on my face

Through tangled thoughts

I hear a mockingbird sing

This old world really ain't that

Bad of a place

Oh why, there's no comprehending

And who am I to try to

Judge or explain

Oh, but I do have one

Burning question

Who told you life wasn't

Worth the fight

They were wrong, they lied

Now you're gone and we cry

'Cause it's not like you to

Walk away

In the middle of a song

Your beautiful song

Your absolutely beautiful song

-'Why' Rascal Flatts

I really hope this was an okay chapter, I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I tried my best but I feel this whole chapter was pretty shitty, but I hope you at least enjoyed it to an extent.

Okay, number one, the whole "Daddy told me" isn't some ghost story. It's her dream, so he's not like with her and she doesn't become friends with his ghost. It's a simple little thing that doesn't really happen a lot. I hope that ckears it up; THIS ISN'T A GHOST STORY!

fun fact- That was based off my sister's reaction when we were 6 and my Grandmother passed. She came down the stairs saying Grandma said she was leaving and she asked to go with her, but Grandma said no. Kinda weird, but writers need inspiration from somewhere, right?

This is also also my way of telling you guys that I love you. Whether you review, favorite, follow, read it or even hate it, you're important and if you're going through some difficult times please hang in there because it gets better. I myself both depressed and suicidal know the thoughts that run through your heads at times, but don't give up. It's not pretty or beautiful; I am in no way trying to say that, it is Hell and I wouldn't want anyone to feel like I do sometimes. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here. Just PM me and we'll talk.

I keep those thoughts away by doing what I love; writing! So find something you like and it'll help:)

I'd love to hear from you, opinions and what not so please drop a review.