WARNING! THIS CHAPTER IS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC AND IT CONTAINS DISTURBING IMAGERY! NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

So this chapter is Cal's perspective of returning from Tumulus. I have read a couple of versions of Nik's perspective but I wanted to do Cal's. I know this chapter is really confusing, but it is supposed to be. Cal is on the verge of losing his mind so he is really jumbled up… just like the format of this story. Sorry if it detracts from the story. Enjoy! Let me know what you think. I love your reviews and I seriously want feedback on this one. Is it good? Bad? Not at all how you thought it should have been like? Let me know for future reference… though I must say, personally, I like this chapter more than the others I've written.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Cal Leandros series, it is property of Rob Thurman.

I hit the ground the hard. Dirt and ashes flew into my face and clogged my nose and throat. I coughed and my lungs ached, but I was free. I had killed the Grendel that had spawned me. It had been coming to punish me for failing to make a gate, but it didn't know… for once I was one step ahead of it. I had been planning, it had taken me a long time, though I couldn't really be sure of time in that hell, and I had to endure much pain. So much pain… but I had killed him. It had expected me to do nothing, nothing but accept the punishment, the torture, like I had so many times before this.

Luckily my face had been hidden by my hair, because as it approached me my face had twisted into something like a smile, but more savage, because I couldn't remember how to really smile anymore. Its claws reached my shoulder. I knew this punishment… it was going to dig its claws into the soft tissue between the ball and socket of my shoulder and pull it out of place.

A minor punishment, they didn't want me harmed to badly… now that they thought I was making progress.

In a movement just as quick as theirs I jerked up and wrapped by fingers around its neck and I used my knees to pin its arms. It took a while for it to die. I held its neck and felt as its struggles slowly weakened, I watched the light leave its eyes. I hadn't felt happiness or satisfaction in an eternity, and I doubted that I ever would again, but in that moment the darkness paused in its unrelenting crushing of everything that was me. In that moment I almost wasn't choking on my own vile black soul. Almost.

Then I created a gate… something I had learned to do some time ago. I didn't know where it went, but I knew it was better than here. Because when they caught me I knew what they would do to me. They would peel the skin from my flesh, not enough to kill me, but just barely. They were good at that, the Grendels. For something so good at killing they were also experts on keeping something alive for as long as they wanted. And it was usually oh so very long.

I heard a sharp intake of breath to my right and rolled quickly into a crouch. I bared my teeth and growled a warning for it to stay away. Had a Grendel followed me? But no, it was a human, a male, with long blond hair and light grey eyes.

Niko?

My throat clenched tightly as I tried to speak the name. I mouthed the word first then finally got some are behind the word.

"Nik?"

Why did it hurt to talk? My throat burned like it was on fire from that one simple word. He stared at me strangely for a moment, almost like he didn't know who I was. What was wrong with him?

"Cal?" He said in a strangled voice. Of course it was me. Was he okay? Why was he looking at me like that? I looked down at myself. I was naked… why was I naked? Suddenly he threw himself on me and embraced me tightly. It felt more like a restraint, I couldn't have moved an inch if I tried. I was too confused at the moment to try.

Suddenly an image flashed across my brain. The trailer up in flames. I shook my head to try and clear it.

Niko screaming my name.

Sophia in a circle of yellow fire, burning.

Tap, tap, tap of a claw on my window.

Claws at my neck an arm.

A sickly grey light.

And then… and then… and then…I tried to remember but suddenly my mind seemed to freeze. The phrase 'and then' repeated again and again in my mind like a broken record. I shook my head again and decidedly kept my mind away from that place.

Niko pulled me to my feet and dragged me to the car and began rifling through his stuff. He seemed smaller than I remembered for some reason. He was still much bigger than me but…

The hand around my arm had claws. They had found me, and they would punish me. It was useless to run but I tried anyways. I jerked my arm and tried to growl but it came out a whimper. I showed weakness, the punishment would be worse now. The pain… so much pain.

Nik grabbed my arm tighter.

"Cal! Stop, what's wrong?" He had already pulled me into sweat pants and was holding a sweat shirt of his in the hand not gripping my arm. He looked worried again, but worse. There was anguish and panic in his eyes. What was wrong with Nik?

"What do you mean? I'm fine…" But I wasn't fine. My body ached and I couldn't figure out what happened and my thoughts kept cutting in and out like a bad radio station.

"What happened to me Nik?" My voice garbled the words, but he understood them anyways.

"I'm not sure. The Grendels-" His voice hitched and he took a deep breath before starting again. "The Grendels came for you and they burned the trailer and they took you. You were gone two days but…" His fingers traced the old ugly scars on my neck and arm.

"Jesus Cal it really is you." He stared at me for a second before pulling me into the car at one side and shutting the door. He walked around and got in the drivers seat. The car groaned to life and he started down the dark deserted road. We were off to God knows where, but anywhere was better than here.

My head ached, hell my whole body ached and my memories were jumbled and I was trying to figure out what the hell had happened to me.

There was the sharp scraping of dark blood red sand against my back. A sickly yellow sky the color of pus loomed above me as several sets of claws dug into my body and began to drag me across the ground.

Nik reached a hand out towards me and I flinched away quickly. I didn't understand the action but the thought of someone touching me made panic swell through me so fast I couldn't control my actions.

Something was wrong. Something was wrong, wrong, wrong. My brain looped on the word and I curled into a ball on the seat. I felt broken, and I didn't know what was real. It was like loosing my mind. There was something in my head, something awful, terrible, trying to break free, but the rest of my mind wouldn't let it. Snatches kept resurfacing and disappearing more quickly than I could make sense of them. I was snapping back and forth quickly between confusion and despair. My head… oh God my head. I gripped it tightly and dug my fingernails into the skin.

Nik stopped the car and came around to my side to half drag, half carry me out. I stumbled along as the world tilted and shifted beneath me feet. I stepped a puddle and cool water flowed over the top of my foot.

Blood, there was blood on my foot. It was everywhere, dripping down my face and coating my hands. I stared down at the mix of vomit and blood that pooled around my foot for a moment before clawed hands dug into my shoulders and forced me to the ground. The twisted multi-jointed fingers closed around some of the meat and brought it to my lips. No. No, she was just a little girl. They brought her here alive… they made me kill her. Kill her or they would do it their way, and I had to, because what they would do would be so much worse. Excuses… I was a murderer… a killer. And I did it with my bare hands as they laughed and she screamed. Killer, killer, killer. I felt a hand yank and my hair and another force my mouth open. She was just some little girl…

I stumbled but Nik caught me. What had I been thinking about? Where were we? I looked around, and realized distantly that it was a hotel room. How did I get up here?

Nik grasped my arm and dragged me to the bathroom. He started to pull my clothes off and I was too tired to argue. My body was suddenly filled with bone deep weariness… like I hadn't slept in so long. But it had only been- my head ache suddenly spiked and I forgot what I had been wondering.

But the pain was okay because it was familiar for some reason… not so bad… bad, bad, bad.

There was water in the bathtub now and I was laying in it. I was too tired to wonder anymore. So I didn't. I didn't recognize the sensation of being in a bath… in fact there were so many things that I couldn't remember anymore.

I glanced up at Nik, his face was so sad. I didn't need to see his eyes to know that. It was written in every line on his face. I didn't want him to be sad. I tried to talk… to make it better. Talking used to make us both feel better… didn't it?

I didn't have the control over my mind to filter so I just let what was in my head tumble off my lips. I wanted him to be… happy so I decided to talk about happy things.

There used to be happy things didn't there?

"I remember good things…" I started, my voice was gruff with disuse and my throat seared with the words I spoke… but it was worth it. I had Niko's attention now, and the distraction helped to melt a little of the anguish from his face. I kept talking, desperate to keep it from returning. I didn't know anything for certain right now accept that Nik was good and that he should be happy, and that out of everyone in the whole world he deserved it most.

I struggled to remember something good… something happy.

"I remember… I remember warmth." Yes that was good wasn't it? To be warm… I hadn't felt warm in a long time, sooo long. "I remember ice cream, and the feel of field grass against my skin. Do you remember those things?"

I noticed anguish beginning to creep back into his face. No… no, no, no. The word looped in my head. He shouldn't be sad.

"Don't be sad Nik… you should… you should be happy because you are so good. Remember? I… I… I remember the wild strawberries that we used to find in the woods… I can't remember how they taste, but it was good wasn't it? It was sweet. And then there was running water… do you remember that? We used to be able to have water whenever we wanted it."

I was struggling now, fumbling and trying to remember good things. It was hard, they all seemed so far away.

My eyes focused on his face again and I noticed it was wet. Why was it wet? Something connected it my mind for a moment. They were tears. Tears, tears, tears. He was crying.

I panicked, floundering around for something better than all those things, something that he could think about that would stop the tears. He shouldn't cry… was he crying because of me? He shouldn't… I didn't want to make him cry.

Suddenly I remembered something, the best thing. It had stayed with me while I was… My brain stuttered and flared. What was I…? Oh, the best thing. It came back to me again. The one thing that made the suffering worth while.

"I remember something else." The words came out in a garbled rush because I spoke too quickly, urgent to get the words out and to wipe the sadness from his face.

Tears, tears, tears. My mind stuttered.

"The… the best thing in the whole world is that you love me. Remember? You're the only one, but that's okay because you are the best and I'm glad that the one person who loves me is you."

His eyes snapped close and his face scrunched. I couldn't tell what he was feeling and I felt worried again. Did I make it worse again? Did I make him sad? Sad, sad, sad.

Then suddenly his arms flew out and wrapped around me tightly. I tried to flinch away, because touching was for hurting. The pain was coming. I shook my head and my mind was strangely blank. I stopped struggling and let my head rest on his shoulder since my arms were pinned tightly to my torso. We rested like that for a while, and my head was mostly empty. It was good because the confused thoughts made the pounding in my head worse. I felt a strange emotion. I almost didn't recognize it… but then I did.

I was content. Not quite happy… I didn't think that was in me anymore, but I was content.

Then my brother, Niko, the only brother in the whole wide world, picked me up out of the bath and helped me dress and get into bed. But I tensed, the bed was too high and obvious. I wasn't well hidden at all, my back was open to attack. I kept my eyes wide and searched the room. All my senses were on alert.

"Cal?" I jumped at the sound of his voice. "What's wrong?"

They would find me. They were coming, it was only a matter of time before they caught me and punished me. And the pain would be everything again… the pain, the pain, the pain.

"Cal!"

The room was back and I remembered my earlier dilemma. I slipped off the bed and crawled under it… where it was safer.

Nik's face scrunched up again.

"No. Don't be sad. Don't be sad anymore." I told him, because I was too tired for good memories anymore. I was too tired for anything. My body was so heavy and I had to work so hard just to keep my eyes focused, but I did. I did because this was important, I couldn't let Nik go to bed sad.

He tried for a smile I think but it didn't really work. It was okay, I understood. I didn't think I could make a smile work either.

"Goodnight Cal." His voice was rough but his face looked okay now. There was more… peace in it. Peace… it was a good thing, I couldn't remember what it felt like, but I knew it was a good thing. His peace made me content and I wanted to say goodnight back-I was supposed to wasn't I?- but I couldn't make my voice work anymore.

Niko lay down next to me on the floor and I reached my arm out so it was touching his… so I would know he was there. He reached his hand out and did the same thing so that our arms were lying parallel to each other and our skin was touching.

It wasn't restraining… it was just there. And I was… comforted? I just let it go and closed my heavy lids.

Sleep pulled me down and covered me like a thick black blanket. But soon that blanket turned red, blood red and it smothered me. I couldn't get it off, the blood. Oh the blood, it was everywhere. It wouldn't come off.

Then there were claws digging deep into my flesh again, as they held me down for awful, awful things… but I didn't scream. I wouldn't.

They liked it when you screamed.

My eyes were open and the red faded to black. I was under a bed… in… in a hotel room? I couldn't figure out what was real and my head was throbbing again. Then I felt something brush against my arm. I flinched away before I realized that it was NIko. His eyes were open and he was watching me… like he knew… like he understood. The raging storm in my head calmed a little and my heart started to slow down.

I had Niko with me now… the best thing in the whole world and he was real. I knew it. I could do this, I had to do this… for Niko…

…for the only person who had ever loved me.

Neither of us slept again that night. The sun rose to find us both watching each other amazed that we were together again.

And I felt warmth, for the first time in a long, long time.