Kate was sitting reading the newspaper in awe when Lanie walked in.
"Hey," she greeted a huge smile appearing on her face as she folded the paper neatly and placed it on the bedside cabinet beside Ellie the elephant.
Lanie smiled back as she sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Kate into a hug.
"I've been so scared Kate," she whispered, "But when Castle sent us a text saying you had woke up but perhaps to leave visits until later I, oh we all feared the worst."
"I'm okay, I'm going to be okay," Kate tried, halfheartedly, to be reassuring.
Lanie sat back on one of the plastic seats surrounding the bed and watched as Kate began to pull at a single thread from the duvet that covered her. She looked so small, so scared, but determined as ever to remain strong. Lanie realised that she had no words to say. No way to bring comfort to her friend. But then again when did Kate Beckett ever want or need comfort? There was no point in dancing around issue, may as well get it out in the open now, "Castle mentioned you had suffered some memory loss."
Kate sighed and dropped her gaze to the floor. Admitting weakness had never been a strong point of hers. In fact letting anyone in since she was nineteen had been impossible. Apart from Castle. He had never given up on her and she supposed in many ways Lanie hadn't either. It wouldn't be fair to tone down the issue or to pretend that it was nothing. No, blunt honesty was probably going to be the only way she was ever going to move forward from now on. "Yeah I urm can't remember anything that happened after the day that I stepped on the bomb eight years ago," she admitted.
"Sweety I'm so sorry," Lanie whispered reaching for her friend's hand despite herself, but Kate tugged her own away.
"Don't," she chocked out, "please Lanie I've had to cope with Castle's pitying smiles for the last three hours. I just need someone to keep me sane and fill me in on the basics so that I can at least pretend to know my children. Please Lanie."
Lanie swallowed, "Okay yeah I can do that."
"Thank you," Kate met her friend's eyes. She breathed out slowly and tried to calm her thoughts as all of the questions in her head decided to have a shouting match.
"What do you want to know Kate?" Lanie asked sitting back in her seat.
Kate buried her head in her hands and groaned quietly. What did she want to know? How about every little detail of the last eight years of her life? What about when exactly her children had been born? When did she and Castle get married? When did- how did?
Lanie watched helpless as her friend began to hyperventilate, "Kate you need to breathe," she reminded her, fighting the urge to reach out for her hand again. "Breathe Kate. Its okay you're alright I can answer anything you want but I need you to calm down."
Flashes of random images seemed to jump across Kate's vision. Her mother, dead. Had she ever arrested Bracken? Castle handing her a cup of coffee and letting their fingers brush together gently, a mischievous smile on his face. Did they still work together? Martha, Alexis and her Dad laughing as she and Castle turned up late for their second try at a family dinner. How had they coped when so many more seats had been added to the table?
Kate became aware of gentle words like a whisper in an ocean as she fought to stay above the crashing waves. She squeezed her eyes tight shut. Then forced them open. Her eyes met Lanie's brown ones.
"Breathe," Lanie whispered again.
Slowly but surely Kate matched her breathing with her friend's until finally she stopped drowning.
Lanie handed her a glass of water from the jug beside the bed and she took it gratefully."Maybe it's easier if I start with some answers instead?" Lanie asked earning a slow nod.
"Okay well urm they're some things which I think would be better coming from Castle. But I assume you would prefer an unbiased answer to things referring to him so how about I start there?"
Kate nodded again.
"Well, I can start by telling you that you both are the same as you always have been. He's still your star crossed lover and I don't think that will ever change. You're Captain now so for a time you didn't work together as much but there is no telling him to leave." Lanie laughed nervously but Kate's gentle smile was enough encouragement for her to continue. "He's a brilliant dad which you know already and you're an amazing mum Kate you only have to spend five minutes with your children to know that. They look up to you dearly; if they're not talking about you then they're arguing over who gets to play cop and who has to be the bad guy. But I'm not going to lie to you we were all nervous as to how he would cope without you but he has done remarkably well. He's kept your three babies happy whilst working nonstop and visiting you every spare second he got. You don't need to worry about how he's going to cope with all of this because he's stronger than you think."
Lanie decided to miss out how Castle had began to look exhausted every day, how every smile had seemed forced. Her friend didn't need to know about how her husband had been on the edge of a breakdown. For Lanie was sure that now he had his partner back Castle would be fine. They all would be.
"Thanks Lanie, I needed to hear that." Kate confessed smiling slightly.
At least their family and friends had all been okay through this. She wasn't selfish enough to think that just because she wasn't there everything would fall apart but she had still feared that it might have.
She still had no idea if she had ever arrested her mother's killer, but for the first time in her life she decided that the answer to that question could wait.
"No problem," Lanie replied, " Where's Castle now anyway I thought I'd have to drag him out so we could have some girl time?"
"He's picking up the kids and doing some shopping. Decided he'd better do it now when he knew you were coming," Kate informed her.
Castle had reluctantly left to relieve Martha of her baby-sitting duties for her two oldest grandchildren but he would pick Melody up later.
Kate had been scared of letting him leave but once he had she realised that she had needed some alone time to gather her thoughts. Now, after having half an hour to read the news and some time with her friend everything seemed just a little less intimidating. She could breathe again at least and she found that she was actually really looking forward to seeing James and Amelia again.
It was then that Kate realised that despite now knowing some of what had happened in her life, things she wanted to hear from Lanie anyway, she knew nothing of hers. "Go on then," Kate was grinning now, "tell me all about your life, did you and Espo finally make it work?"
"Well..." Lanie took out her phone and gave it to Kate.
Kate gasped as she stared at a smiling little boy about five years old with dark eyes and a cheeky smile. He had a red cap on sideways and was striking a silly pose like he was trying to be hip hop. But what was most endearing about the photo was the man beside the boy posing in the same silly way with an identical smile. Esposito.
"Wow Lanie!" Kate squealed unable to take her eyes off of the photo.
"Yeah me and Espo had a one night stand five years ago and well that's when Diego came along but we're not together as such, just really close friends. Not exactly the most orthodox relationship but-"
"No, Lane this is me your talking to I'm hardly an example of orthodox relationships," Kate interrupted handing her friend back her phone.
Lanie smiled as she slipped it back into her pocket. "Yeah, well Espo is a great dad, spoils him rotten but I think he's trying to make up for what he lost out on you know? Every weekend when there's no active case we all go out for the day. The Castle's, the Ryan's and the Esposito's, see what havoc we can make."
The last part was definitely a Castle line.
Both woman laughed, Lanie from the numerous memories of running around the park playing baseball, or taking up entire rows at various sports stadiums; Kate from events that she could only imagine.
"How many do Ryan and Jenny have?" Kate asked.
"Three," Lanie replied, "Sarah Grace is seven, Matthew, but only call him Matt or he'll refuse to register that you are talking to him, is 5 and Thomas is 4. Money was tight for a bit but they made it work."
Kate smiled picturing more clearly how hectic yet amazing their days out must be. But her happiness was soon shot down with a pang of guilt. If what the doctors predicted was true then not only would she be unable to remember any of the children but she would be wheelchair bound and therefore unable to go. Why was it that every time she and Castle were happy, were finally making things work, something bad just had to happen?
"What happened to me Lanie?" Kate asked before she could change her mind.
Lanie gasped, "You don't know?"
Kate shook her head, "Every time I bring it up Castle changes the subject or we get interrupted. I just need to know Lanie was it my fault? Did I do something terrible or stupid or..." Kate trailed off as she thought of all of the crazy things that she could have done for her to end up in hospital with a serious head injury.
"Kate you didn't do anything as such. I..." Lanie hesitated and decided that now would be an appropriate time to take her friend's hand, "I don't know the whole story and I don't think that this should come from me but... You were attacked... When you were with Alexis."
Kate made no attempt to stop the look of horror that washed over her. "Oh god is she okay?" she spluttered. Alexis had been out with her half-siblings when Kate had woken up so she couldn't have been seriously hurt physically but that didn't mean that nothing had happened to her at all.
"She's alright," Lanie assured her but it didn't meet her eyes.
Before Kate could call her out on it a small squeal sounded from somewhere down the hall followed by a hurry of footsteps. Frowning both women turned to the door which opened to reveal Castle standing in the doorway balancing a mountain of paper that reached to his head.
"Amelia! James!" He shouted over his shoulder as he tumbled inside.
He dropped the paper unceremoniously onto Lanie's lap, collapsed onto the bed and turned just in time to watch as their eldest children sprinted inside.
Amelia, her hair now flowing in waves picked up her brother and dropped him on the bed without saying a word. She climbed up soon after and Kate felt four pairs of eyes turn to her.
"Mummy!" James squealed as though two seconds of silence was simply too much for him to allow.
"Hi James," Kate smiled as she watched the three year old climb unsteadily over Castle who was still sprawled along the bottom of the bed and into her lap.
"Knock knock," he greeted bouncing slightly until he was comfortable.
"Who's there?" Kate asked again laughing when everyone else groaned.
"Bannnana!" He cried falling forward to rest in the crook of his mother's neck with a proud smile on his face.
Castle finally having caught his breath back sat up and pulled Amelia onto his lap before she fell off of the bed.
"So have a nice catch-up did we?" He asked looking between Lanie and his wife. He had sensed that he had been interrupting something intense when he had entered the room but both women were smiling now which must be a good sign.
"Of course," Kate replied simply looking over to her friend.
Castle smiled as he too turned to Lanie. "Well Aunt Lanie you have the honour of showing off each of these two monkey's," he paused to tickle Amelia's sides until she was squealing with laughter, "beautiful artwork of what we got up to this last month and some from just before too."
Lanie grinned as she shuffled the paper and lifted up the first one so that everyone could see. "Who would like to explain this wonderful painting to me?" She asked in a posh voice to cover her confusion as to what the painting actually did show.
"That's James' picture of all of us in the car on the way to the beach," Amelia informed. From behind her head Castle mouthed "Hamptons" to Kate.
"Wow isn't that lovely," Lanie nodded staying in character, "and this one?"
This picture was clearly one of Amelia's as five stick figures could clearly be seen to be walking along a beach with sandcastles, seagulls and a huge sun in the corner of the page.
"What a lovely picture Amelia," Kate complemented her daughter who's face immediately beamed with pride.
"It's us at the beach mommy," she replied, "that was one of the best days ever! When you are better can we go back to the beach?"
The simple question brought tears to Kate's eyes as she helplessly looked to Castle.
"Yeah sweety we can go back to the beach," Castle answered for her giving her a reassuringly smile.
Amelia smiled and continued to explain drawing after drawing. Leaving Kate to sit in silence and try to remember every last detail.
Castle looked down at his watch and couldn't help the surprised look that appeared on his face. Where had the last two hours gone? He cast his glance from Kate to James who was remarkably still awake ,yet silent, curled up under his mother's arm. Amelia who had animatedly gone through every last picture was now too looking like she desperately needed some sleep.
Just as Castle was about to suggest that perhaps they should go home for a nap a sharp knock echoed throughout the room.
Doctor March entered looking around sheepishly with an apologetic smile on her face. "I'm sorry to interrupt but I need to know what course you've decided to take in terms of your," she looked at both children who were watching her and seemed to notice Lanie for the first time, "mental health Miss Beckett."
Kate felt panic claw at her chest once more as she searched again for Castle's gaze. They had spoken briefly about their options before he left to pick up their oldest two but they hadn't really decided on anything. She wanted the quickest solution that would put the least strain on their family and he wanted the most reliable, trustworthy one. At the time she hadn't been able to resist a chuckle at how times had changed but now she just needed an answer."I urm-" Kate's helpless gaze darted from Lanie to her two children before coming back to rest on Castle.
"Oh is that the time?" Lanie chipped in, rising to her feet, "I better get going. I'll see you later Kate," she squeezed her friends hand and gave her a knowing look which Kate replied to with a smile. "Bye monkeys," she ruffled James' hair, kissed Amelia's head, gave Castle a small wave, and left.
An awkward silence filled the room. Castle sighed and leaned forward until he was only inches from his wife. "I've done some research and I know you don't like to show weakness and ,even though you think your therapy with Doctor Burke worked, you would rather not go through that again. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm more than willing for us to work together to try to get your memory back instead of someone else trying to do it. It's up to you of course I just-"
Kate turned to Doctor March. "I think I'll try some methods from home to start with. But if that doesn't work will I still be able to try the other options at a later date?"
The doctor nodded, "Of course, that won't be a problem. In that case then, I guess I'm completely finished here. I wish you all the best of luck for the future."
"Thank you," Kate replied sincerely, "for everything."
Doctor March merely smiled, turned and then she too left.
Castle kissed Kate gently on the cheek as he whispered, "We're going to get through this, me and you."
Kate smiled weakly, "I hope so," she replied absent mindedly running a hand through James' hair.
Amelia yawned and flopped a little deeper into the mattress.
"I think we better go," Kate heard Castle mutter as she stared at their now half asleep son lying in her arms with his fists tightly gripping her hospital gown.
"Yeah," she whispered back as she ducked her head and let her hair cover her face like a shield. Everything seemed to be moving so fast. This morning she had known very little about her life but now knowing that somehow she could be responsible for something that had happened to Alexis, knowing just how much her young children's lives had changed because of her, she wasn't sure what was worse.
Kate jumped as she felt Castle's hand cup her cheek and turn her face to his so that he could place a gentle kiss on her lips.
Amelia made a belching noise from the bottom of the bed causing both of her parent's grins to spread as they broke apart.
"I love you," Castle whispered to her stroking back her hair and looking down into her eyes with so much adoration Kate couldn't help but whisper it back.
They smiled at each other before a huge yawn from Amelia reminded Castle that he was supposed to be leaving.
"Come on then let's go home," Castle picked James up in his arms despite his back's protest and reached out for Amelia's hand to help her off of the bed. The six year old hopped down and staggered towards Kate.
"Bye mommy," she said pressing a kiss to Kate's cheek when she bent down to meet her.
"Bye Amelia," Kate smiled back as Castle watched them stare at each other with deep love that only a mother and her child could share.
He hated to ruin the moment but James was beginning to snore in his arms and he didn't want to leave Melody with his mother too long. So he took Amelia's hand once more and lead her to the door.
He looked back one final time at his wife lying surrounded in suffocating white, "Bye Kate," he whispered.
"Bye," Kate replied, as she watched Castle make his way out of the door, one child asleep in his arms, the other shuffling along holding his hand.
A sudden guilt claimed her once more.
AN Thanks for all of the support so far xx feel free to let me know your thoughts...