Chapter 4

Four weeks passed very quickly after Charles' funeral. During those weeks Raoul and I spent very little time together. I knew that soon I would have to tell him that I could not marry him, but I admit that I dreaded having to do so. The few times that we found ourselves alone, I could not help but see how grief for his brother had taken its toll on him. He seemed so vulnerable, somehow. I was loathe to hurt him further, but I realized more and more that it was the right thing to do.

Raoul and his father seemed to find strength in each other and grew closer. Theirs had been a strained relationship in the past and Raoul's often irresponsible behavior hadn't helped any. Since Charles' death, however, they had spent more and more time together, often closed up in the Earl's private study till the wee hours of the night. This, more than anything else, sealed my determination to end our engagement.

Since my evening spent at Madame Giry's, I had taken to writing in a small leatherbound journal each evening before I retired. Writing down all my thoughts and feelings had forced me, for the first time, to truly evaluate my feelings for Raoul and for Erik. I reflected on all the events that had taken place since Raoul had first come back into my life and took a long hard look at the choices I had made from that point on. I had no choice but to see that I had not only acted childishly, but selfishly. I had chosen the path of least resistance, convincing myself that I was making the right choice out of love for Raoul. I was astounded to realize that my heart had made its choice when I kissed Erik that second time. At first I believed I was simply doing what must be done to free Raoul, but when I had kissed Erik again, my heart had sang and my soul had melded with his. But, fear once again took hold and I fled. I abandoned him, just as his mother must have done, if not physically, then at least emotionally. It must have seemed to him that I, like everyone else in his life, had been unable to see past his deformities. I realized that I loved Erik and always would. There would never be anyone else. And now it was too late.

My feelings for Raoul were not quite as complicated. I loved him, yes, but I now recognized it as an immature love. Perhaps simply the superficial infatuation of a young girl for a handsome young Vicomte. My love for Raoul was safe. Married to Raoul, I would have lived a comfortable life. We would have had a great friendship and I daresay there wouldn't have been much conflict in our marriage. Eventually, however, each of us would have drifted further away from the other, neither of us realizing that we had outgrown each other. I would always be haunted by thoughts of my angel of music and Raoul would never understand why there always seemed to be a part of me he could not reach.

Once I had put all of these thoughts and emotions into perspective, I found that I could say goodbye to the girl I had been at last. More than one night I cried until I thought my heart would simply burst and I would die. I cried for me, I cried for my father, longing for his arms, I cried for Raoul and I cried for Erik. I often wound up falling into an exhausted sleep, dreaming that I could hear Erik's voice singing softly to me, soothing me. By the time four weeks had passed, however, I felt as if all my tears had been cried and my grief expended. I was ready to talk to Raoul now.

Now I found myself pacing in the library, waiting for Raoul. I had sent him a note asking him to meet me here. My heart was racing and I had to force my hands to stop shaking as I waited. I knew this must be done, but the thought of hurting him nearly changed my mind several times. I was on the verge of slipping out and back up to my room when I heard the click of his booted heels on the wooden floor coming toward the library. Bracing myself, I turned to face him as he entered.

"Ah, my little Lotte," Raoul often addressed me by the childhood nickname he had given me long ago. He smiled warmly at me as he strode across the library to take my hands in his. " I have missed you, my love." Leaning down, he kissed me lightly and tears stung my eyes.

"We have not had much time to talk lately, have we?" I said, looking up at him with a sad smile. Taking a deep breath, I plunged ahead, not giving him an opportunity to answer. "Raoul, there is something I must tell you. The day you brought me back from Madame Giry's, I came down to the library to offer my condolences to your parents. When I reached the door, I heard your father talking to you. Before I could open the door, I heard him speak my name and I stopped. Please forgive me for eavesdropping, but I heard what he said to you about being his heir now that Charles was gone."

"Oh, Christine, why didn't you tell me?. I am sorry. You must have been so worried these past weeks, afraid my father would insist that we not get married! If I had only known, I could have set your mind at ease, my dear. This changes nothing. You and I will still be married, as planned. My father will just have to accept that."

"There is more, Raoul. Since that evening, I have spent a great deal of time thinking about what your father said. I realize now that he is right. You have a duty to your family now. Your parents had come to accept our marriage because they felt they had no choice and also because Charles was the heir and it was his marriage that was the more imporant. Now that Charles is gone and you will inherit your fathers title and lands, it is only natural that you will be expected to be responsible and make an advantageous alliance."

"I don't understand. Of course society has certain expectations, but I am not interested in what they expect. I love my parents, too, but I am determined to marry you, Christine. I love you. My parents will learn to accept that eventually. It will be harder, of course, since Charles' passing, but they will accept it or they will not be a part of our lives."

"That is the very reason that we must not marry, Raoul. I will not come between you and your parents. They love you and I know that you love them. If you defy their wishes in this, you may destroy any hope you have of a future relationship with them. I could not live with myself if I caused that to happen. You don't see it now, but you would eventually come to resent me for being the cause of it. You must look ahead and realize what it will mean to us in the future. What about children that we may have? If you cut your parents out of our lives, or if they cut you out, our children will never be able to have a relationship with their grandparents. Don't you see, Raoul? Our marriage can only bring about grief for everyone involved." I looked at him, imploring him to understand.

"I cannot believe I am hearing this from you. I am willing to give up everything for you! There is nothing I wouldn't do to keep you by my side, Christine. And now you are telling me that we shouldn't be married? I realize that you are trying to spare me grief, but losing you would cause me more grief than you can possibly know." Raoul reached for me and pulled me into his arms before I could protest. "You speak of resentment, but I could never resent you. I have loved you from the first moment I saw you. Let us not speak of this any longer. We shall be married as planned. Our love will be enough."

Closing my eyes, I gathered my strength. I hadn't realized how hard this would be, but I knew I must see it through. Placing my hand on his chest, I gently pushed him back until I could look into his eyes again.

"I am sorry, Raoul. I cannot marry you. I will not marry you." I reached for my left hand and pulled off the engagement ring he had placed upon my third finger soon after we had arrived at his parents home. He made no move to take it from me when I held it out to him, so I placed it upon the desk. "Some day you will realize that it is because I love you that I am doing this. Your heart will mend eventually and you will go on with your life. It doesn't seem so now, but it will be so. I am truly sorry..." Tears choked my voice and I turned and fled.

Reaching my room, I slammed the door shut and rested my head upon the cool wood panels, letting the hot tears fall. I believed I had cried all my tears before today, but apparently not, I thought bitterly. Washing my face, I quickly changed out of the dress I had been wearing. I put on the wedding gown that I had been wearing when I first came here. It was the only thing in the wardrobe that belonged to me and I didn't feel right keeping any of the clothes the De Chagnys had provided for me. I sat down at the little desk and scribbled out a note, thanking the Earl and Countess for their generosity. I explained that I would be staying with friends from now on and that Raoul could explain more fully what had happened.

Ringing the little bell in the room, I summoned Monique and asked her to please deliver the note to the Earl and Countess. I took one more look at the beautiful room I had been staying in, then turned and hurried down the stairs and through the front door. I had sent one of the household servants for a cab before talking to Raoul, knowing I would be leaving, and now it waited for me out front. I climbed in and sat down. As the horses pulled us down the drive, I turned for one last look and saw Raoul come out the front door, looking around before his gaze fixed on the carriage as it drove away. I could see his shoulders slump and I longed to go back and comfort him, but I could not. I quickly turned to face forward before the tears started again.

Not knowing where else to go, I instructed the driver to take me to Madame Giry's home. When the cab came to a halt in front of the little cottage, I handed the driver my last coin. Taking his hand, I stepped out onto the little sidewalk. I thanked him and turned to face my unknown future.