Chapter 4: Shadows

So talking hadn't been the greatest of ideas. Sami flinched more because of her own thoughts than because of the cold when she stepped out of the taxi. She looked up to the house she loved and which held so many dear memories and felt the cold caress follow her spine.

"Shouldn't sharing my problems with a neutral party help me deal with what ever was wrong in my mind or life?" Sami repeated the words over and over again in her head pondering on their meaning while she made her way to the front door and then inside of her home. She snuck up the stairs and to their bedroom knowing that it would be empty. EJ wouldn't be sleeping, he would be downstairs in his study reading that letter and should she ask, he would pretend to have been working.

Sami refused to look at herself in the mirror while she undressed and rushed to the shower. As the warm water thawed her body a sardonic smile distorted her face. There were very few secrets in this house, but the ones there were, were never spoken of. No one wanted to unravel the sturdy looking illusion.

She shook her head determined to get rid of the morbid images and thoughts. It wasn't an illusion. She and EJ had a great life together, a happy life together. Ever since he had come back to her they had been blissful. Though sometimes he would seem to forget her altogether when devoting his time to the twins, that only made her love him more. It hadn't been easy for them to find a compromise, an arrangement even Lucas could accept, but they had done it. Now while the twins were still young enough they spent a week of each month in New York with Lucas and his new bride. Usually that seven day trip was drawn out to be a nine day trip but Sami and EJ endured it because Lucas would always ease up on the subject of the twins calling EJ daddy too. And it gave her two more days alone with her husband.

The water turned cold just as a dark thought emerged in her mind. It wasn't fair. A man kind as EJ, a loving stepfather as him deserved a child of his own blood. Not that he would ever discriminate the twins even after the baby was born or that he thought genes should determine family connections, but he deserved that much. He deserved to be there during the pregnancy and he deserved to be there for the birth just as he deserved to watch the baby grow without ever doubting his right to be present.

"Maybe we should try again. Once more. Maybe tonight is the night we will conceive." Sami stepped out of the cold shower after having made a decision. She stopped the water, cleared the mirror and stared at her own image. If EJ could love her the way she was right now, they would have a child together. A Brady-DiMera baby. Nervous laughter escaped from her lips. She would have never thought, she could have never imagined to be this desperate to carry an offspring of Stefano DiMera's line.

"Thank you Marie", EJ said to the phone, "Now go and get some sleep. You must be exhausted. Goodnight." A twinge of envy pierced his heart as EJ thought about the two small girls Marie would kiss tonight before going to bed herself. Eric had accomplished a miracle by turning the career oriented workaholic into a mother and a woman who actually seemed to have it all. Marie missed her husband dearly when he was away but now she had his babies to keep her company while Eric flew around the world. Not that he did that as often as he had used to. Somehow Eric managed to cram more and more work into shorter and shorter trips so that he could spent more time at home, with his heart. EJ was at least lucky enough to live and work in the same town but his sporadic business trips were usually torturous.

"Usually is the key word." He had to reign in his thoughts again and concentrate on his work. EJ cleared up his desk and opened the drawer realising he shouldn't have. The envelope was still there on the top of all the other letters, waiting for him to read her message. He was a weak man who couldn't postpone facing the temptation. EJ reached down and took the envelope in his hands. He twirled it around in his fingers few times making sure that the his name and address had been written with her unique handwriting. Then shredded the covering paper and devoured her words. EJ realised he was frowning. Something had changed.

Dearest Eddie,

Are you sitting comfortably? Are the little rascals sleeping in their beds? Did you remember close the door to your study? Good. Oh and Samantha isn't peeping over your shoulder reading this letter is she? (Hello Samantha, I've missed you too. Now be a good girl and give your husband few minutes alone with this letter. We have secrets to share.) That's everything, I think. Now sit back and relax.

I've enjoyed my holiday, thank you for asking. Mum and dad send their hello's and even Andreas asked when will you come and visit him again. I think the only reason he remembered you was because he found a picture of you and the twins in my rucksack. Sorry. And no, I don't know what I'm going to do next. It's not like I planned on working for your father. I think we are both keeping an eye on each other so we can try to predict the other ones movements. You need not worry about me or Stefano. We'll take care of ourselves and wont interfere with your life too much.

Joy and Johnny are happy, healthy and driving you insane I trust. Good, I wasn't expecting any bad news about them. What you need to worry about is yourself. I hope that the doctors will have given you good news by the time I stop by for my annual summer visit. (Yes Samantha, it's still annual event even if I visit you more times than once a year. Tell her Eddie, thank you!)

But seriously Eddie. It's a good thing you went to see real doctors instead of those Salem University Hospital quacks. They, the real doctors that is, will find out the reasons behind your and Samantha's inability to conceive. I know that you want another child biologically yours, though genes never determined your hearts ability to love. I have an inkling what a child created in and out of love means to you and I wish I could make your wish come true. More than anything I want you to be happy. That much hasn't changed.

I trust that by the time this letter arrives or at the latest by the time I arrive, you've heard from the doctors and you have an idea what the next step is. Good news are coming to you, I just know it And from your message I got the impression that the doctors didn't exactly forbid trying. You need to just keep trying and practising the baby-making. Rinse and repeat.

That's all I've got this time.

Love, Annie

P.S. It's good to know that the nutty mother-in-law Marlooney is still where she belongs. To be honest, she scared me, more than your father ever did. She's going to love that padded room and never want to come out, ever.

" '-I want you to be happy. That much hasn't changed.' Then what has?" EJ found himself asking. Had Annie finally moved on? Had she found the kind of happiness EJ could never give her and in doing so was she finally releasing him of his guilt? Not knowing for sure disturbed him.

"Are you ready to come to bed?" Samantha asked from the door. EJ glanced at her wet hair, fluffy bathrobe and clear skin. "Keep trying and practising the baby-making." The words echoed in his head as he folded the letter and took a deep cleansing breath and nodded.
"Yes", he said and got up from his chair. He walked around the desk and to the door, to her. He took her hand, looked into her eyes and gave her a quick kiss before leading her back upstairs for the night.