Thanks for all the great reviews! I think I'm supposed to say I don't own any of these characters, I just borrow them from nashvillewrites for awhile….:)
Rayna had been quiet all night, and it didn't get much past Luke that he didn't have her full attention. It had been a busy day, with both of them doing radio spots, and then going their separate ways. She'd had an appearance at a local record store, he had rehearsals for the show coming up tomorrow night in Boston, and everywhere they went even separately the paparazzi relentlessly hounded both of them about future wedding plans.
Frankly, Rayna thought that if one more person asked her when she was getting married, she might paste a smile on her face and nicely tell 'em where to stuff it.
Now that they were finally alone, they sat on the massive backyard deck at Luke's house, looking out over the ranch watching the horses graze, him with a beer in his hand, and her with a glass of wine in hers. The sun was getting lower on the horizon, it should have been the perfect end to the day.
But she was silent, just staring lost in her thoughts. And there were too many thoughts on her mind to hardly even know where to begin.
"Is something eatin' at you?" Luke said. "Or do you look like your hair's on too tight for another reason?"
"No, I'm fine, just tired," she sighed, running a hand through her hair. "It was a long day."
"Alright if that's all," Luke shrugged, and changed the subject to the new backup singers he didn't think he liked much, and the new bass player he did.
Rayna found herself annoyed by this as she listened to him ramble on. Did he care? It seemed odd to ask if something was bothering her, which it obviously was, just to turn the subject back on his self.
A naggling thought entered the back of her mind, and she couldn't shake it off. Deacon would have never let it go. He would have probably badgered her for 10 minutes, and got her to spit it out anyway. Because he knew her that way. He knew when things bothered her and she wasn't saying. He knew her thoughts sometimes before she said them outloud.
She didn't like herself much for how often she was comparing the two lately. It wasn't right, and it wasn't fair. But it wasn't avoidable either. The driving lesson with Maddie yesterday had brought up all her doubts and insecurities all over again. Watching their two heads in the front seat, how happy they were just to be spending a little quality time together. A dad and his best girl.
I took that from him, the thought came to her still now. I took 13 years of that from him. How did he ever forgive me? How can he really love me after I did that?
Sometimes she feared the secret guilt that she carried over that would never leave her.
"I need to ask you something," she cut in to Luke's talk about tour buses vs. airplanes.
He glanced over at her. "About what?"
"Did you…" she said slowly and carefully. "Did you give Deacon that black eye?"
Luke laughed, in that easy carefree way that he did, and took another swing of his beer. "Aw, that was just a little good natured tusslin' backstage and I popped him one. You know how us guys are."
Yeah. She did. And she didn't think there was anything good natured about it.
"What were you "tussling" about?"+ She asked neutrally. "Because dinner the other night? That was more than just uncomfortable. That was an out and out pissing match waiting to happen." Watching the two of them silently challenge each other across the table, it probably would have been humorous if it were anyone else, but to her it was just plain old embarrassing.
"I don't even remember." He waved it off. "Dead and buried."
She set her glass down on the side table, then stood up and walked to the porch railing and leaned against the edge, frowning. "Kind of like those text messages missing from my phone the other day, huh?"
Luke's shoulders got noticeably stiffer. "I told you that wasn't me."
I wish I believed you.
"What was so important in those messages anyway? I'm sure whoever it was just called back later, right?"
"It was information about a…show," she edged around the truth. "I just don't like to think that you would have done something like that."
"You sound like you don't believe me."
"IF you say you didn't do it, I guess you didn't, huh?"
Their eyes locked.
She just watched him, wondering for the first time in the six months they'd been together how well she really knew him at all.
"You know," Luke said, his voice clearly agitated. "You worry an awful lot about what's going on with Deacon. Why is that?"
Her face flushed. "Well, he's Maddie's father, Luke," she said a little more defensively than she meant to. "He's always going to be a part of our lives. You have accept that. Just like Teddy, or your ex wife. I would never be rude to her, and I'd certainly never get into a fist fight with her!"
Luke shook his head, and ran his hand through his hair.
She thought he actually looked angry.
"You're never going to cut the cord, are you? Am I supposed to live the rest of my life with Deacon stopping over whenever he feels like it, and making eyes at you when he thinks no one isn't looking?"
"You know what," Rayna said quietly. "That doesn't even justify an answer. I'm not having this argument with you." She grabbed her purse off the bench, and headed for the steps, searching for her keys.
"Come on a second," he said, trying to catch her arm as she stalked past him. "Ray, stop."
"Don't touch me," she said, shaking him off as she threw open her truck door. "And don't you dare call me that. You haven't earned the right."
#####################################################################
Rayna was so mad as she whipped her SUV out of his driveway in a cloud of dust and peeled down the road, that her hands on the steering wheel were practically shaking.
Two miles down the road, she had to pull over. She took a few deep breaths to regain her dignity and her self-control. She was Rayna Jaymes, dammit. She did NOT lose it like that. Ever.
But that's exactly what had been happening for weeks now. Her life was moving too fast, higher and out of reach that it had ever been, beyond her control. She needed to find a way to get it back.
She didn't know if she was more angry at Luke for not being honest or herself. She wasn't being honest with herself either. And she hadn't been in a long time.
She looked down at the ring on her finger. Slowly, she slipped it off and slid it into her purse.
Her hand was so much lighter, bare, a thin white band on her skin where it had been.
Taking another deep breath, she reached for her phone and called her sister.
Tandy picked up on the second ring. "What's up?"
"I think I've made up my mind," she said.
"About the proposals?"
"Yep," she said quietly. "I think I need to find out who I am without a ring on my finger or a man by my side for awhile."
Tandy sounded surprised. "So you're saying no to both of them?"
"I'm not saying no," she said. "I'm just saying….not right now."
"To which one?" Tandy asked.
"I think you know the answer to that."
"Yeah," she could hear the smile in her sister's voice. "I think I do. "
#######################################################################
Maddie slowly pushed the door open to their mother's bedroom suite.
"This is a really, really bad idea," Daphne said, biting her lip as she trailed after her sister into the room.
"Don't worry," Maddie insisted. "Mom left me in charge of you, and she said she's not coming back until 7. We have 2 hours. Just stand guard, just in case. I feel like she's lying to us about something, and I want to know what it is."
Daphne looked appalled. "Mom wouldn't do that."
Her sister gave her a Look. "She lied about who my dad was, didn't she?"
"Okay,fine." Daphne said begrudgingly. "But what are we looking for?"
"I'm not sure." Maddie said as she opened the door to the closet. "But I know there was a lot of pictures and stuff last time I was looking around.
Last time she'd went snooping, she had ended up with a new father.
She lifted the sweaters of her mother's bottom drawers. Nothing there. Nothing on the bottom shelf of the closet, either. That metal box of truth had been removed.
Apparently Rayna was now one step ahead of her daughters, Maddie realized.
"Darn!" She said, abandoning the closet.
Daphne still guarded the door, looking anxious.
Maddie went to the bureau and carefully pulled open the top drawer to search underneath the lingerie. She found nothing.
She went to the jewelry box and lifted the lid, fingering her mom's gorgeous diamond necklaces and earrings.
"Aw, look," she said, beckoning Daphne over.
Daphne reluctantly left her post.
Maddie held the pearl earrings up to her ears. "These were Grandma's. I beg Mom to wear them all the time, and she says I can have them when I'm 18."
Daphne stood on tiptoes and peered into the box. "I never saw her wear that ring," she said, pointing to the silver carved band that had been hidden underneath all the rest of the jewelry. "It's pretty."
Maddie's heart stopped as she took it out of the box and examined it. "Oh my gosh," she murmured. "I've seen this before." Her eyes got huge.
"What? Where?" Daphne asked impatiently.
"It used to be on a chain. At Deacon's house, hanging from the mirror in his room. I saw it once a long time ago. And then it was gone." Maddie said softly.
Daphne looked confused. "I don't get it."
"That means he gave it to Mom," Maddie said. "Ohmygosh, Daphne, that means Deacon and Luke must have both asked Mom to marry them!"
Daphne's eyes were huge. "Is that even allowed?!
And her mom was still wearing Luke's ring on her finger, while this one was hidden away. Did she tell him no, Maddie wondered. How could she ever tell him no. He loves her so much.
"I think you need to put that back," Daphne said nervously. "I mean, really. You're going get us in trouble for snooping again."
Rayna's voice sounded loud and stern behind them as she stood in the doorway. "Yes," she said. "You certainly are."
Maddie winced, and she quickly dropped the ring back in the jewelery box and slammed it shut. She squared her shoulders and turned to face her punishment.
#####################################################
Well, that hadn't been any fun, Rayna thought, as she closed Daphne's bedroom door after saying goodnight.
After giving the girls a big lecture on privacy and snooping, the inevitable question about the rings had come up. She didn't know how else to say it without being honest, and skirted around most of the details except that yes, they had both asked her to marry them.
Maddie was an instant mess. "So you said no to Dad," she kept saying. She looked like she was trying real hard not to cry.
"Well, honey, I…guess I didn't really say no to him. I just didn't give him an answer yet." She winced, as it sounded awful to her own ears. "Sometimes adult feelings take a long time to sort out."
"But you took Luke's ring off your finger!"
"Well….I did," Rayna admitted. "Just for now. Luke and I have a lot of things to talk about. I know it's really hard for the two of you to understand, but I want you to know that I just want what's best for all of us. As a family. And I'm trying to figure it out and make sure I make the right decision."
Daphne had been fairly quiet up to this point, huddled on the edge of the bed with her knees against her chest.
"Does that mean you love Luke more than Deacon?"
"Daphne!" Maddie said appalled. "Of course she doesn't. You don't, right mom?"
There was such a hopeful edge in her voice, that it broke Rayna's heart. Of course any kid would want their parents to end up together in the end. It was one of the things she feared the most about her and Deacon ever being together again. If it didn't work out, Maddie would suffer more than all of them.
Rayna sighed. "It's not more or less, honey, it's just…different. And that's all I think we are going to say about it tonight."
Maddie glared at her, and stalked out of the room. Moments later they heard her bedroom door slam.
Daphne winced. "She's going to be grounded for a long time, isn't she?"
"Probably," Rayna agreed. "Now why don't you go on off and get ready for bed. And no more snooping!"
"It was her idea anyway. I love you mommy," she hugged her around the middle.
"Love you too, sweetheart."
Daphne stopped in the doorway and looked back at her mom sitting there on the edge of the bed staring at the shiny silver ring in her hand. She looked sad.
"I don't think it's really that hard, Mom," she said with a ten year old's logic. "All you have to do is give Luke's ring back." Then she turned and walked out.
Oh my sweet girls, Rayna thought now, as she leaned on the wall outside Daphne's room. If only it was that simple.
If only it was ever that simple.
######################################################
Rayna hadn't particularly wanted to come to Boston. She had way too many things going on at home, in the office, with promoting her own album, but Luke called the next morning sounding all trite and apologetic and asked her to be there with him.
She reluctantly had agreed, only because after Boston he was flying out tomorrow for shows on the west coast, and wouldn't be back for a month. And she needed to talk to him. Badly. So after dropping the girls off with Teddy for the weekend, she boarded her private plane and flew up there.
In the arena before the show, she found him in his Wheeler-sized dressing room, banging out a new guitar riff with members of his band.
Luke looked surprised to see her standing there, and gestured them all out.
"I thought you weren't comin."
She sighed, and sank into the leather sofa next to him. "I think we need to talk."
"Well, that sure don't sound like something I much want to hear."
She took his hand and pressed something into it. The ring.
Luke's eyes jerked up and met hers, stunned. He clearly hadn't seen that one coming.
She pushed the guilt away.
"What the hell, Rayna?"
"I'm not ready for this," she said quietly. "We aren't ready for this, and I think you know that too. I need some time to myself, Luke. I need to go back to figuring out who I am, and how to keep my life under control without any ring on my finger. I need it. For me. This is for me."
He got real quiet, sitting there thinking it over. "This is really what you want, huh?"
"Yes," Rayna said firmly. "I'm not….saying it will never happen. Just that it can't right now."
He gave a low laugh. "I'm not Deacon, you know."
"Oh, and what is that supposed to mean," she said testily. Try to let the guy off the hook nicely, and he always seemed to slip back into this slight-jerk mode she'd seen more and more lately. She didn't like it.
He stood up and shrugged. "Just that I'm not gonna sit around and wait for you for 15 years like he did. It's now or never, Rayna. You better figure out what you want in a hurry, because if you wait too long, it'll be gone." He stalked out of the room, bumping his shoulder into Deacon coming down the hallway as he did, having just finished his set.
"Whoa sorry," Deacon sidestepped to avoid him.
"Hey, just the guy I was looking for," Luke said, clapping him on the shoulder hard. A little too hard to be friendly. "Looks like we're going to be changing it up after tonight's show so we won't need you for that west coast run of the tour after all."
"Oh is that so," Deacon said, keeping his voice even. "So this musta just happen, huh? Like in the last hour?"
"Yep. Sorry, just gotta shake things up a little. Keep it interesting for the fans."
"I see," Deacon said. Like hell if he was gonna let Wheeler see that it bothered him one bit. "Wonder why you decided to do that. Seeing as I have a contract and all." Hell, he didn't necessarily like having to look at Luke on tour during every show, but it was business. He could act professional, even if this guy couldn't. And he needed the exposure as a solo artist. Getting cut halfway through a major concert tour was going to look like shit to the press, and Luke knew it.
"Just business," Luke said smoothly. "You call Jeff Fordham. He'll take care of buying you out of it. No hard feelings. " He continued down the hallway.
Deacon stood there for a second trying to absorb what had just happened, and trying to decide whether to be really pissed off, or relieved that it would mean he would now subject to 90% less of Luke and Rayna hanging all over each other. What the hell was that? That guy was more inconsistent than the weather in December. No hard feelings, my ass. Luke had held a grudge against him for 20 years, evident by the remnants of the bruise around his eye that was just still barely noticeable. Sure, they could joke around and act like buddies, but it sure as hell didn't make them friends.
With a sigh he turned to head for the rehearsal room to pack up his guitars. Maybe still catch a flight home yet tonight.
He tried to tell himself maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. A hell of a lot of other artists had been asking for him to open for them before he'd signed with Luke. And he'd been bummed at the thought of going a whole month without seeing Maddie. The Wheeler tour had been nothing more than him trying to get his foot back in the industry anyway. He could sure as hell do that one way or another without hanging on Luke's coattails.
He had his hand on the door handle to open it when it opened in front of him instead, and Rayna walked out.
Her face looked obviously upset, but she slid on that stage face and pasted on a smile when she saw him.
"Uh….hey," he said, surprised to see her. "I didn't even know you were here."
"Just going," she said with false brightness. "I only heard a little of your set but it sounded good. See ya." She turned to walk away.
He reached out and put a hand on her arm. "Wait a sec."
Rayna couldn't look him in the eye. She just couldn't. She felt like she'd crumble if she did. Just completely lose it.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm fine."
"You're not fine."
He opened the door to the empty rehearsal room, and gently pushed her back inside.
Rayna stood in front of him with her arms across her chest, looking everywhere but at him.
But he knew her, and he knew when to call her on it.
Damn him, she thought. He's like a damn psychic, always showing up at the absolute worse moment, trying to read my mind when I don't want him to.
"Talk."
She took a deep breath. "Well, I told Luke I wasn't ready to get married," she said. "And he didn't take it well."
Deacon's eyes immediately went to her hand. The two ton rock on her finger was gone. Sure, his wasn't there either, but somehow his chest suddenly felt 10 pounds lighter. The fact that there was still hope made him ridiculously, pathetically happy.
"Is that right?"
"Yes," Rayna admitted. "I just…I need some time to myself. I need to know I can stand on my own two feet, with everything. With my personal life, with Highway 65. I need to know I can do that before I attach myself to anyone else. So I just told him….not right now. And he didn't like it much."
She did meet his eyes then, pleading for him to understand.
"Makes sense," he said quietly. He realized she wasn't just saying "not right now" to Luke. Well, it wasn't the greatest answer, but it wasn't "No" either. "I mean you should do it because you want to, right? Not because you're….forced to make a choice. In marriage or anything else."
He didn't regret telling her how he felt. Because that speech had been building for a long, long time. But he regretted that it had been a forced hand, brought on by Luke's proposal in a "now or never" moment, a moment that terrified him. He couldn't watch her go off and marry the wrong guy again. He couldn't just stand there on the side of the stage for another 20 years and let it happen.
He'd fight for her, for the family that was supposed to be theirs, no matter how long it took. She might not understand that yet, but she would. He knew her. If it took a little time of her finding herself, he could deal with that.
"Right." She looked a little bit relieved.
"And it makes sense now too," Deacon said, running a hand through his hair. "That he just fired me as an opener."
Her jaw dropped practically to the floor. "He did not."
"Yep. Guess they're not gonna be needing me for the west coast shows after all."
"Deacon, I'm really sorry. I'm embarrassed by the way he's been acting lately. And I know it was him that hit you."
This time it was Deacon's turn to look anywhere but at her, but he didn't deny it. "Yeah, well….guess he thought he had a reason to."
"Well he didn't, and it's damn immature."
"Well anyway, I gotta go see if I can catch a flight home yet tonight. No sense sticking around here. Good luck, with you know…everything." He squeezed her arm. "You'll be fine, Ray. You always land on your feet."
"You too. Sure there's someone else that will offer you an opening spot. Hell, I'd do it if it wasn't so…..awkward," she admitted. "I mean we're good, right?"
He laughed softly. "Yeah. We're good."
"Well…good." She murmured. Something about his eyes always got her, the way he looked at her…He could do it on an empty room or onstage in an arena full of fans. When he looked at her, she felt like she was the only person in the world, and everything in the background just turned to a blur.
He turned to go first.
"You know," Rayna said, before she could change her mind. "I got a pretty big empty plane waiting on the tarmac at the airport. No sense in me sticking around either. You want to hitch a ride back to Nashville?"
The surprise on his face was evident. "Yeah, that would be good." He said without hesitation. "That'd be real good, Ray. Then we can talk about Maddie, too. I have a few things that I want to run by you."
Right, she thought. They could talk about Maddie. No matter what happened, they'd always have their daughter between them, tying them together in an unbreakable bond. Luke was wrong to say she had to cut the strings. They had a child between them.
"Well, alright then," she said, a smile sliding across her face as she opened the door. "I got a car waiting out back where there's no paparazzi in sight. Let's hit the road."
"After you, darlin."
As they walked down the hallway together, they didn't touch or talk, but Rayna realized a lot of tension that had been plaguing the two of them ever since she started dating Luke was gone. Just like that, just with three words. It didn't even have to be yes or no, but apparently "not right now" was enough to sooth the restless energy between them into something much more comfortable.
This is good, she told herself silently, sneaking a peek at him as he walked with his head down and his hands in his pockets. Thinking. He was always thinking. She wished she could read his mind as well as he could read hers.She wished she could be as confident as he seemed to be that they could make it work. But this was a good place to start.
Maybe some day we'll get it right.