Hello Everyone,

I'm sorry for the large gap between updates. I didn't abandon this story, but was focusing on a different series for a couple of months.

A big thanks to "Guest" who left some of the sweetest commentary ever.

And yes, TheChickWithTheAwesomeUsername. Haha. This is, in fact, crack fiction. How do I know? Because:

1) This story would never ever ever happen otherwise. Like ever. ;)

2) The OOC-ness would likely make Chanda Hahn's eyes bleed.

But it's fun, no? :P

Mina really couldn't be blamed for sulking like a second grader after the embarrassment Teague put her through. Honestly.

Coming to this hellhole with him had been bad enough, but having to stand at the doorway of the chapel, on his right arm, forced to formally apologize with him to every member of the wedding party and their guests as they exited? It completely sucketh-ed.

"I apologize for interrupting the ceremony and allowing the Elvin douche to also interrupt the ceremony." Teague would say to them. "I offer my foremost regrets for the events that may have diminished the joy of this occasion. Please, take a wedding favor." Then he would hand them a pink, frilly little glass jar encasing glowing rocks.

And that was Mina's cue to curtsy and say, "Yes, we're very sorry. Please follow the scarlet carpet to the ballroom, for drinks and refreshment."

She was fairly sure that the words came out sounding like, "I hate my life, and I hate you too." But she doubted her tone would have made any difference. The guests either leered at her, like she was in her underwear on a trashy calender, or looked like they wanted to strangle her with her own intestines and let her drown in blood.

Trippy.

The only thing that kept Mina from abandoning her lovely Prince and running was the ice-cold Queen Glare boring into both their backs. Maeve wasn't letting them get out of this one.

The last guest finally moseyed on over to the exit, taking his own sweet time, and ran his gaze slowly over her and Teague. He stood there silently, hands shoved into his long coat's pockets, leaning back onto his heels lazily.

Die, was all Mina thought. It was very clear he was going to drag this out much longer than necessary. It was getting exceptionally hot in the oven of a chapel, and she still needed to pee. Mina hated Sir Stares-a-Lot immediately.

"Hiya, Teague." The stranger drawled, sharp, silver eyes peeking out from messy waves of sandy brown hair. He was tall, with sinewy muscle and deeply tanned skin. Mina had to acknowledge he was handsome, but, at that point, she was so over handsome. She'd take a dull, average guy over these Fae crackheads any day.

Teague's eyes seemed to roll all the way into the back of his head, as he regarded the guy before them with blatant contempt. "Hello, Aspenn." He huffed, "Here, have a wedding favor." The Dark Prince chucked the thing at his chest, with noticeably more force than necessary. "Now go stuff your face."

Sir Stares-a-Lot caught it with ease, grinning brightly. "It's been years, cousin, and that's all you can say to me?" He pretended to be hurt. "Look how much you've grown! I mean, last time I saw you, you were barely up to my shoulder and had the arms of a nine year-old girl. I'm impressed! Say, did that weird skin condition ever clear-"

Teague growled and dumped the remaining wedding favors onto the floor. They shattered into hundreds of pieces and the glowy rocks exploded into puffs of smoke. Mina let out a girly shriek without meaning to. Ugh, that sounded like the pitiful scream of a floozy, alright.

Sir Stares-a-Lot, well, Aspenn, turned his attention to her and the megawatt grin was back. "Look, you even got yourself a lady friend! I'm shocked. I never thought it'd happen!" He leaned towards Mina conspiratorially, fingering one of her loose curls. "Is he paying you, or holding you hostage?"

Mina's mouth popped open, but she barely managed to choke out an answer. Teague's death glower slithered over to her. "Uhm…" She pulled at the luxurious gloves making her arms sweat. "I'm just here so I don't get fined."

Aspenn guffawed at this, laughter shaking his slim frame like a heavy gust of wind. "So you don't get fined!" He wiped at his eyes, "You, my dear, are exquisite."

Mina smirked. "I try."

"I can see that." Stares-a-Lot commented, his gaze turning particularly appreciative. "Anyone that looks as lovely as you-"

"Meghhhh." Was the odd, indiscernible snarl that escaped the Dark Prince's lips. The hate-fire in his cobalt eyes looked to be as hot as the rest of the room. And not hot in a good way. "Piss off." He told his cousin rudely, grabbing Mina by her upper arms and swinging her out of the room.

Eep! She thought, but grateful that this particular shriek stayed in her head. Teague gripped her shoulders and propelled her down the vacant hall, fingers tightening as his cousin howled with laughter and cried, "I think I'm in love! Don't take her away so soon, cuz! Come back!"

"Not on your life." The Prince muttered, roughly steering Mina up a carpeted stairwell.

She managed to shake him off and give him the usual, trademark glare. "Again, with the manhandling!? Geez, jerk, we've covered this more than-"

"Excuse me for trying to protect you!" Teague whirled around on his heels with a nasty scowl.

Mina scoffed, straightening her mussed finery. "Protect me from what, his breath? Gimme a break." She began marching up the staircase, even though she had no idea where she was going. Beat standing around and arguing with that nutcase.

"No." Teague huffed, stomping after her. "Feel free to go back out and get raped by a creepy, wannabe Edward Cullen. See if I care!"

She arched her eyebrows in disbelief. "Edward Cullen? That doesn't even make any sense! Aspenn's as bronze as a Kardashian!"

"Oh, so now you're on a first name basis?"

"What? That's what you called him!" Mina grabbed fistfuls of her poufy skirt and clomped up the endless stairwell. "And what do you mean, rape? How does that-"

"Don't be fooled by the tan skin and lavish hair! He is a demon." Teague grouched, stomping just as loudly as her.

She laughed in spite of herself. "The same could be said about you, you know."

His displeased expression morphed into self-satisfaction for the briefest of moments. "My hair is rather fantastic." He mused.

Mina rolled her eyes and craned up her neck, hoping to catch sight of wherever the stairs led. It was like running up the staircase in Super Mario, when you didn't have enough stars to fight Bowser. Exhausting and pointless.

"Hair and skin aside," Teague continued, nudging her a little too roughly for her liking. Apparently she wasn't stalking away in enough haste for him. "Lord Aspenn is the younger brother of our beloved fat and wrinkly groom, and his opposite in just about every way."

"You mean thin, tan, and tall?" Mina pondered, adjusting her boobs. She suddenly remembered why she never wore fancy ball gowns, besides having nowhere to go in them. Strapless bras were a pain in the petunia. She was not and would never be very well-endowed up top, and anything strapless had a funny habit of wanting to slide down after a while. It became clear that the frivolous, jewel "straps" around her neck were for decoration, rather than supporting meager cleavage.

"No," The Prince replied, then changed his mind, "Well, yes, that too. But Allister is the social equivalent of a southern gentleman, where you're from, and Aspenn is the equivalent of a prick."

"Look how much you have in common." She couldn't help herself.

"Very clever." Teague scowled, unappreciative of the observation, it seemed. "Unlike me, darling cousin Aspenn is slimy and icky and gross."

"What are you, eight?" Mina commented, distracted. She was sure she'd just seen a flash of light up the stairwell. They had to be close!

"I'm telling you!" Her Prince huffed, "He's got issues! And rape eyes!"

Mina paused and glanced at him in disbelief. "Rape eyes? How does it always come back to rape with you? Why do you even care, for that matter?"

"Because," He replied, exasperated, "you're my date! If anyone's going to drug you and haul you off to a dungeon, it's gonna be me!"

"Wow," Mina sighed, blowing a puff of hair out of her face. "I feel safe."

Teague nodded in agreement. "I got your back, homie-ette" He assured her, looking pleased with himself. Mina was under the distinct impression her sarcasm went over his head. Typical.

She shook her head and let out a sigh of relief. The staircase did have an end! The light she'd seen before came from two glass spheres, mounted to the sides of a door. Vibrating creatures that resembled glow-in-the-dark troll dolls bounced around inside them.

"Prince Teague! Prince Teague!" They cooed, a little too creepily to be cute. "Welcome to the reception! The reception! The reception!" The things echoed each other irritatingly. "Shall we sing you a special song? A song? A song?"

Mina turned slowly to look over her shoulder and gave Teague a look. He shrugged helplessly, looking amused.

"Why not?" His lips curled up devilishly. Mina all but howled in protest.

"Nuh-uh! No! I have to pee, and if you think I'm gonna stand around here and listen to Chucky's Harem Quartet, you're out of your freaking mind!" She marched forward and pushed at the door with all her might. It wouldn't budge. Figures.

Teague simply stood around laughing, like an imbecile, at her female plight. Oooh, that boy was lucky she wasn't on her period! She'd bring down the hurt on all of them!

"By all means, my friends, sing us a happy tune so that my love may tinkle in peace." He declared grandly, like it actually made sense and wasn't utterly ridiculous.

Mina gaped at him incredulously. "That is, by far, the most retarded thing I've ever heard you say."

He grinned at her, but whatever he'd prepared to reply was drowned out by the happy wail of the Chucky Quartet and a string of high notes that threatened to burst Mina's eardrums.

"When you're ready come and get it! Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na! When you're re-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-dy, when you're-"

"Wait a second!" Mina hollered, waving her arms. The troll dolls screeched to a halt, seemingly stunned at the interruption. "That's Selena Gomez! What kind of joke-"

Teague's rumbling laugh broke into her objection. "Oh, they might have gotten a hold of my iPod at some point."

"iPod?" She sputtered.

The Prince cocked his eyebrows and waved his hand at her dismissively. "What, I can't have human toys?" He must have noticed her expression and continued, "Never-mind. Don't answer that." Teague turned to the crazy little lip-syncers. "Alright, that's enough from you. Open up! The lady has to empty her bladder!"

"Well, that's one way to say it." She mumbled, beginning to shift wildly from foot to foot. She was transitioning from agitation to desperation. She'd settle for peeing in a potted plant, at this point.

The trolls cried in disappointment, but allowed Teague to push the door open, whispers of "Come and get it…" following both of them out the door.

Mina burst out of the dark stairwell and into the light. When her blinded vision cleared, she saw that Teague had led them up to the second level of the ballroom. It overlooked the main floor- which was teeming with people and whatever else- like a wraparound balcony. No one seemed to notice the Prince's discreet entry, and Mina could not possibly give a crap either way. The only things running through her mind were the basic, primal needs.

BATHROOM, BATHROOM, BATHROOM.

Teague seemed to understand the desperate, wild look in her heavily made-up eyes. "Ladies room's up there, hun." He gestured to yet another set of stairs; these being shiny, white, and much shorter than the last. But stairs, none the less.

"My old enemy," She griped, hefting her heavy skirt up over her knees and booking it, not paying the slightest attention to the wide-eyed, staring guests on their level.

Teague cackled in gleeful amusement as she flew up the slippery steps, losing one of her heels in the process. No matter. She'd come back for it.

"Run, Forrest, run!" The Prince called after her, with a completely exaggerated southern accent, drawing far more attention to the two of them than necessary.

Mina only yowled at him in frustration, hobbling feverishly to the area with a gold-plated entrance labeled, Powder Room.

"Better be a toilet in here, or somebody's gonna die!" She barked, throwing the door open with a great bang.

For the sake of the poor "Powder Room" attendants, one would certainly hope so.

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