Hajime Hinata NO.
If all that happens if I wake up is a slasher, a fist fight and a freak road accident, I'd rather not wake up.
The cushiony surface he was lying upon smelt of leather
That's right. Pretend to be asleep and assess the situation.
"Undead battlefront." A burly voice offered.
"No. Nothing related to death, please. You next." That's the voice of the sniper yesterday.
"Anonymous." A small voice replied.
"Not all of us are hacktivists, Fujisaki-San."
"Lost Lambs of the Shemhamphorasch."
"Oh, piss off Tanaka."
"Apologize to him now!"
"YES MA'AM!"
"I told you plebeians we should keep it nice and simple. Togami battlefront."
"DENIED."
Right. This is decidedly a madhouse. Curiosity drove away all reason as he permitted his eyes to flutter open.
Overly obese Fatso: "Kirigiri-dono, I have come up with a glorious name fitting of our battalion. Shingeki no tenshi!"
Kirigiri: "Advancing angels?"
Overly obese and nasal Fatso: "ATTACK ON TENSHI!"
Kirigiri: "While epic, the name is more suited to operations. Plus the fact that comparing tenshi with the smiling Titan is enough to give me nightmares."
Nurse: Uhh...
Kimono: Shut it bitch pig.
Nurse: I'm sorry! Forgive me.
Baby face: We need something that strikes fear into the hearts of others.
(Everyone's attention is directed to the speaker)
Baby face: Something that represents us, yet is recognizable by the public to make them wet their pants.
Kirigiri: Intriguing. And what's this awe-inspiring idea you have for us?
Baby face: Kuzuryuu clan.
(Silence throughout the room)
Hinata: And how is the image of a baby face supposed to strike fear in the hearts of others?
Baby face: DO YOU HAVE A FRICKING DEATH WISH?!
Kirigiri: Calm down Kuzuryuu. It seems our guest has finally woken up.
"If getting a fire truck rammed into my posterior is your way of treating guests, I really don't want to see what you plan to do with your enemies."
"That was designed to keep outsiders out. There's a pass code we speak to get in." Kirigiri coolly replied.
"Oh yeah. You got hit, right? How was it? I designed the trap mechanism myself, ya know." Jumpsuit excitedly asked.
"It was the single most painful feeling I had ever experienced, beating even the time I got stabbed in the gut by a knife-toting girl."
"Well, if you consider the chronological order of events, you did ask for it. So in view of the past events that occurred, I offer you for the second time: will you join the, um, battlefront?"
"I refuse. My sole wish is to get out of this madhouse."
At this sentence, many a brow was raised.
"Did I hear you right? A peasant like you seriously wishes to be obliterated?" A blonde teen probed.
"If that's what it takes."
"I AM SHOCKED. 100 MEGAWATT SHOCKED! WHAT TEMERITY! WHAT GALL! TO GIVE UP BEFORE THE BATTLE BEGINS ANEW IS UNBECOMING FOR A YOUNG TEEN FULL OF PROMISE LIKE YOU!" A hot-blooded boy screamed.
"I don't even understand why we are fighting."
"Even so, you do realize the potential consequences of being obliterated?" A blue-haired girl asked.
"What consequences o.0?"
"Ufufu. How naive. To plunge into a future of the unknown is most unwise."
The voice belonged to a girl clad in Victorian garb, with pigtails are they extensions... flowing down to her shoulders.
She took a sip from the teacup she balanced in her saucer, and then continued calmly:
"Yamada, the tea has gone cold. Be a dear and run down to fetch more."
"Ehh?! But-but it was steaming when I brought it to you, Celes-dono. You said you wanted to wait until it's cooled-"
"ARE YOU DENYING ME?!" She screamed, and in that moment all composure she reserved vanished, and a feral beast took its place.
"IM GOING I'M GOING!" Yamada ran out the door.
"Excuse me, that was rather unladylike of me, wasn't it?" She smiled as she adjusted the hem of her sleeves.
"Moving on, you do understand the idea of reincarnation, don't you? Essentially, there is the belief the soul never dies. When your body fails to be a vessel for it, the soul escapes and gets reborn as another living organism."
"Yes. That is the general idea, I guess."
"However, the theory of reincarnation does not deny the possibility that you would be reincarnated as a geoduck egg."
What.
"I'm not the expert by any means on what happens after you get obliterated. Tanaka?"
"Feh. The mendacious one seeks my help. Huahahaha!" The teen called Tanaka folded his heavily bandaged arms, and then began:
"The Chinese believe that we have 18 levels of hell, and the four heavenly gods of destruction shall judge your crimes and see what animal you are worthy of being reborn into. Once you do your Dantesque torture, you encounter the old one who serves you the soup of amnesia, letting you forget your past life, and directs you to the gate back into the real world."
"As expected of Tanaka-San, what luck to be illuminated with such wisdom of the occult!" The girl who spoken clapped her hands in delight and admiration. Hinata noted Jumpsuit gagging in the corner of his eyes.
"But that is merely an appetizer in the subject of the nether realm. Moving on! The Hindu code of Manu-"
"Tanaka-San I believe he gets the point." Kirigiri interjected. "The point is, it's still too early to venture into the unknown. Won't you join us in searching for the answers, and fight alongside us?"
Hinata looked at the hand outstretched in front of him. This is stupid. This is so unbelievably surreal.
He hesitated, and started raising his hand once more.
INTRUDER ALERT!
"Not again." Kirigiri rubbed the bridge of her nose.
Everyone diverted their attention to the door as it swung open.
"CELES-DONO HERE'S YOUR TEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
A 60 foot yacht was launched onto Yamada's side, crashing out of the hall. As everyone ran to the window to get a closer look outside, the yacht with Yamada in tow crashed onto the track underneath. The yacht tottered for a moment, then fell face flat onto Yamada's admittedly huge body.
Was that how I looked like before? Hinata wondered as he surveyed the wreckage below.
For a moment, the silence was paramount. Then Tanaka cleared his throat and remarked:
"Nice boat."