Whispers and hushing came from the small crowd of onlookers and crew members that had formed and was now waiting around the airlock doors for the Commander to step through and bring everything back to normal once again. Garrus quickly glanced at Tali wanting to ask her if she was alright but knew it wasn't the right time or place. Looking at her he recognized that she probably wouldn't hear a word he spoke, she was to eager and jittery to pay attention to anything, just like a little bird about to take flight. He felt the same way, as soon as Shepard stepped through those doors he was going to sweep her into his arms and tell her everything, every last emotion he felt towards her, not letting anything or anyone hold him back. After all that he and Shepard had been through Garrus had thought she was like his rock and would be alive to make it through another day, maybe he had even taken her for granted, but not after this experience. Life was too short to wait, he realized that now.
The automatic door of the airlock seemed to open unusually slow, a hiss and groan almost seemed to pour from the crevasses and gears as the door started sweep open, a sightless mist and a slight cold wind moved through the room that no one paid any thought too. Bodies went in front of Garrus blocking his clear view just as a someone stepped out of the airlock. Voices rose as dozens of people tried to talk all at the same time and help in any way possible, tidal waves of noise filled his hearing, along with searing frustration. Garrus felt his injured hands that pounded with pain begin to shake as the urge to push everyone aside overwhelmed him. All he wanted was to see Shepard, just one more goddamn time, just get out of my way!
"I'm fine, really! Nothing wrong with me!" A voice reassured, loud enough to lift above the noise. Garrus stained to hear if it was male or female but couldn't tell from all the uproar. The crowds' noise level began to descend as it sluggishly parted like the red sea to relieve only one standing figure in front of him. A little gasp escaped Garrus' already open mouth as he felt all of his energy begin to drain out of him. It was not the one person he wanted to see. Not the one person he needed to see. His legs violently shook and he felt one of his hands instinctively go back and press against the metal wall behind him to keep him balanced and to stop him from falling off his feet.
"Jo-ker?" Garrus whispered as his voice cracked. His eyes tried to met Joker's from afar, and no matter how much he tried Joker's green eyes wouldn't connect with his own to show him that everything was alright, instead they looked away like he was guilty. Garrus craned his neck sideways to see if anyone was standing behind him. There was only the once annoying but now silent crew standing around them, listening to every word, not letting themselves leave or intervene. The question that tearing him apart, the question that was on everyone's mind, finally exploded out from him. "Where's Shepard? Is she alright?"
"Shepard... She..." Jokers voice wavered with indecision, it seemed like the right words were trying to get out of Joker but they just couldn't make it out, and then he met Garrus' eyes for the first time. With that one simple look from Jokers lifeless eyes Garrus knew. He knew in his heart-of-hearts what Joker was going to say next. Garrus' heart stopped. "She's... gone. I wouldn't get out the cockpit, I wasted too much time, Shepard sacrificed herself so I could be saved."
It hit Garrus then. Everything, every last memory he had with Shepard, every smile and heart flutter, everything flashed in front of his eyes. Then just as quickly as it had come into his mind, it was gone. He shook his head back and forth over and over trying to shake away Joker's haunting words. Garrus tried to breathe but it felt like his lungs were gone. His mind and body could only feel numbness and unbelievable pain. Then his very soul ripped in half, the part of himself that he had reserved to give to Shepard one day was gone, all that was left was a big bloody mess and emptiness. Garrus wasn't complete anymore, he was only half of the person he once was, and that was not the good person that Shepard brought out. Silence pressed upon everyone like a dead weight. No one spoke. In one heartbeat all the pain and depression that flowed through Garrus changed into white-hot anger. Anger against Joker for abandoning Shepard, anger against himself for not going back for her, anger against the world! This isn't true!
"You're joking, right? I mean your always joking!" Garrus uncontrollably snarled at Joker. Rage was building up in his stomach like bile. It fumed and started festered its way out of Garrus like a volcano about to explode. Joker flinched at the turian's hateful words and took a step back. Good I want you to hurt.
"I was trying to save the ship. It isn't my fault-"
"No it isn't your fault. Nothing is your fault is it? All you do is joke and kid around, you don't take your job or anything seriously," Garrus fumed at Joker, everyone stared at them, their eyes like cameras recording every moment. Jokers eyes gleamed as if he were about to cry.
"Garrus please-" Tali cried, sobs making her little voice catch with each breath, she reached out a hand a fragile hand towards him, trying to comfort him and sooth his pain. Like a simple touch would make everything he felt go away. Garrus snapped his head so quickly toward her that she nearly jumped back with surprise. His heart hammered inside his chest as he stared at the qurian with bulging eyes, Garrus didn't care if he insulted Tali or made her more upset then she already was, he didn't have control over himself or anything he said anymore. He was running on instinct alone.
"NO! Don't touch me! Don't you dare touch me!" He roared at all of them loud enough that it echoed off the walls. "Shepard's dead and there isn't anything you can do to make it better!"
The words had just slipped out of his mouth like they were nothing, like they meant nothing, Shepard was gone and never coming back. Even thinking that burned Garrus' brain. It felt so wrong to imagine her lying in a coffin, silent, gone forever without that inner spark that lit up her very soul. It was the one thing that made her so unique from other people, the one thing everyone else didn't have, and it too was gone. Garrus felt his heart-break. Without control over his own feet he felt himself run away. He didn't know anything about this ship and was lost in its corridors and maze like halls within seconds, but he knew that if he stopped running his legs would give out and he would never able to ever get back up. Garrus ran until no one chased after him anymore, until no sounds of life remained and all that he could hear was the racing of his own heart, then his legs gave out under him.
The cold metal of the floor touched the side of his face. Love, life, everything he knew had slipped right out of his hands. All he had wanted was one thing, one person, Shepard. Tears slid down his face faster than he could wipe them away. Turian's didn't cry, shouldn't cry, he tried to tell himself, but the effort was lost every time he remembered Shepard's face. After what felt like some time he tried to stand back up, he reached and dug his talons into the walls to try to steady himself up, to try to gain some power and look strong again, but then just as before he couldn't control himself and fell back down to lay on the floor. All by himself and his terrible thoughts. Did I do something to cause all of this? Or am I being punished? This is all my fault. I should have went back for her. Even if I died in the process, it would have been worth it to know that she was alive and I wouldn't have to feel like this now, Shepard could have just found someone else. All I am is a pathetic washed up C-Sec officer, she would have never loved a turian anyway, but now I'll never even get to find out if she really could have loved me, now Shepard's dead and its all because of ME!
"GOD DAMN IT!" In one instant Garrus sprang off the floor and was on his feet and smashed a fist through the metal wall with so much force that the wall moaned and slightly concaved inwardly. He tried to breath, tried to calm himself, but there wasn't any good thing in his life he could grab on to for support. Everything he had thought would have at least happened in his life one day, was gone. All his hopes and dreams of being with Shepard, together, having each others back through fire fights and the calm of the storm had fallen through the cracks of his fingers, like the entity of Shepard was as meaningless as thousands of different grains of sand on the beach.
Garrus violently ripped his hand back to show a huge dent in the metal wall, unfelt pain hammered through his hand and on the skin of his broken knuckles, new blood mixed with old dried blood from before, but Garrus didn't care about the pain. Or about anything anymore. If someone like Shepard, someone who was so unbelievable and pure, could of gone out of this world without a second thought life didn't seem to make sense anymore, let alone even matter. Nothing seemed to matter to Garrus anymore. Nothing.
...
Even when time feels like it is never going to move, that every second feels like it drags on and on and your just waiting for the next tick on the clock, time does passes. Even if it doesn't feel like it and all you can do is remember haunting memories that twining with old unforgettable ones of your past time and you move through your own life-like an empty shell, time does pass. It does for everyone and it did for Garrus. Even when it felt unimaginable.
The words of Anderson's speech lolled out of Anderson's mouth and past Garrus' without being heard or felt. He wasn't paying attention to anything or anyone. He hadn't really known why he had come here in the first place, or what he thought he would feel. What could be felt here? What should he feel at Shepard's funeral?