The Weakness in Me
Why do you come here...
When you know I've got troubles enough?
Why do you call me…
When you know I can't answer the phone?
xXx
Leaning back against the door, Peyton smiled as she watched Nathan practice drills on the court outside his house. It felt soothingly nostalgic to see the man focussing on the sport that had defined him once upon a time.
Her smile broke when she saw him stumble over, his hand clutching his side.
"Nate?" She stood up quickly, concern coating her.
"I'm fine." He panted, though his expression was one of pain and loathing.
"Are you su-?" Before she could finish the question, Nathan had thrown his ball down hard against the concrete.
Clenching his fists together in anger, he glared at the ball. "I said I'm fine."
"You're doing great, Nathan."
"I have the stamina of an eighth grader." He sullenly responded.
"Your game is improving, I can see it." She pushed herself up off the door and reached out for his arm.
His eyes glared daggers at her. "Don't fucking patronize me, Peyton. I know I suck. I don't need you kissing my boo-boos."
Peyton's arms dropped and her expression hardened. "I'm not patronizing you. If you sucked, I'd just say that, you should know that. But you couldn't so much as stand up eight months ago. The fact that you're running a few miles a day and the fact that you can still sink eighty percent of the baskets you shoot is pretty damn impressive."
"I would have laughed at myself if high school me could have seen that."
"Yeah well high school you didn't get thrown through a glass window and have his spinal cord bruised." Peyton picked up the ball he had thrown away and absently dribbled it. "You can't expect yourself to meteorically rise up to your past abilities. I get that you're pissed, but calm your ass down. You're getting better every single day."
"Like you know anything about basketball and what I can do." Nathan scoffed.
She raised her eyebrows. "Excuse me, have you forgotten that I was the girl watching you, cheering you on, for almost every single game you ever played for the Ravens? I watched you when you were still more arrogant energy than real talent. I think if anyone's in a position to know how your game is and what you're capable of, well it'd be Whitey, but barring that- it'd be me. I know the nuances in your body and in your movements better than I know my own body."
"Do you really think I haven't turned into a fat useless waste of skin?"
"Definitely not fat. Useless, now that one's up for argument."
Nathan grinned and reached his arm out around Peyton's waist, pulling her in to kiss her on the cheek.
Wriggling out of his loose hold, Peyton forcefully chest passed the ball back to Nathan. "And Scott? Don't snap at me like that again unless I deserve it, you little temperamental baby."
"Sorry." He grinned again.
She started to go back into the house but he stopped her. "Peyton? Can you stay? I think it kind of helps me play better when you're watching."
"You always were the show-off." She laughed, though she sat on the steps with pleasure.
Ten minutes of watching Nathan shuffle around the court shooting baskets later and Peyton decided to make things more interesting. Stealing the ball from him, she skirted around him and sunk a perfect lay up.
At his look of disbelief, Peyton archly said, "Hey, I've got me some game too."
"It had to be a lucky shot."
Peyton snorted in offense, "What, I can't possibly be good at basketball?"
Lurching forward to swipe the ball from her grip, Nathan dribbled away from her and sent the ball arcing gracefully through the air and into the basket.
"Oh it's on now, bitch." She laughed, rushing to catch the rebound. Nathan stole it back from her and sunk another basket in.
She managed to catch the rebound again and rushed away quickly enough to throw another shot, but she missed rather miserably this time.
"Like I said, a lucky shot." Nathan crossed his arms smugly.
"I'm rather offended that you automatically think I suck at this."
Nathan bounced the ball back to her. "Hey, you have a career in music, you're an artist, you're smart, and you're hot. You can't be good at everything. That's all I'm assuming."
"Oh yeah? We're playing HORSE then."
"Strip HORSE?" Nathan asked hopefully.
Peyton rolled her eyes but agreed.
It was soon realized that Peyton wasn't half bad at basketball… but Nathan had a God-given talent for it, so she wasn't exactly whipping his ass.
The game was taking a while longer than Nathan had given the blonde credit for, though. He was adequately impressed.
"All right, so you've taken off your hoodie and both your shoes. I'm officially making it illegal for you to move on to your socks. Off with your shirt." Nate smirked.
"Mmm. I suppose it'd only be fair, since you're shirtless." She eyed his naked torso in amusement. "But then, who am I to play fair?"
"Maybe I'll just have to take it off for you."
"Maybe we have a game to finish playing." Peyton diverted, dribbling the ball.
"Oh no way," Nathan jumped forward to take the ball but Peyton's grip was firm. Changing tactics, he wrapped his arms around her slender frame, the tips of his fingers slipping under her shirt.
Laughing indignantly, Peyton squirmed, shooting her elbows playfully into his ribs.
"Why hellooo." A voice suddenly interrupted.
Nathan dropped Peyton and Peyton dropped the ball, both looking up with deer-in-headlights expressions.
It was only Skillz. A very amused looking Skillz.
He glanced at Nathan's shirt lying on the ground and Peyton's scrunched up shirt.
"We were playing HORSE." Peyton quickly inserted.
"Is this where you've been hiding out? No one's really been sure where you've been staying. I thought you moved in with Luke, Luke thought you were still with me and Mouth."
"Well, this is my beach house."
"The one you said you didn't wanna touch 'cause it came from Dan." Skillz pointed out. He looked at Peyton. "And you, girl, you've been MIA so much the last few weeks. You been chillin in Nathan's crib?"
Nathan and Peyton tried to resist the urge to look at each other guiltily.
"Yeah, we've been hanging out a lot. We're friends man. And pretty much the only single ones left in our friend group." Nathan smoothly said. "I mean, you guys are great, but it's refreshing to be with someone who isn't one half of a couple."
"That's true, that's true." Skillz shrugged.
"What're you doing here anyways man?"
"Your mom wanted me to pick up some stuff, gave me the key. Didn't think I'd be intruding on anything."
"You're not." Peyton hastily spoke up. "We're just hanging out."
"Whatever helps you get through everything." Looking between the two of them, Skillz shook his head. "You two have been through a hell of a lot. What you do to heal from that is up to you and it ain't none of my business."
"Thanks, Skillz." Peyton smiled. "But we really are just hanging out."
"I better go do what I came here to do."
Once he had walked away, Peyton leaned against Nathan in relief. "He scared the crap out of me."
"Yeah me too. Can you imagine what would've happened had he walked in when we were having sex?"
"Ask to join in?" Peyton joked.
He chuckled but met her eyes to say, "It's gonna get out eventually, though, Peyt. Us. If we don't stop it soon, it'll get out."
"We'll just be careful."
"Haven't you learned anything about secrets in Tree Hill?" Nathan laughed.
"Well, we'll deal with that when it comes. Which I'm sure won't be for a good long while." Peyton said confidently. "Besides, I'm not willing to end this anytime soon."
"Good." He kissed her affectionately. "'Cause God knows I'd miss this."
She ran her hand through his hair and helped him get her shirt off.
"We're all sweaty."
"Yeah well I always thought watching you play was the hottest thing ever." Peyton grinned, slipping her hand down his shorts.
He unbuttoned her jeans and sighed into her neck as he leaned her against the wall of the house.
"Gotta love how we're not being careful at all." Peyton breathed, wrapping a leg around Nathan's waist.
Sucking on her bottom lip, Nathan bucked into her and panted that this was exactly why it was so damn hot.
-
That evening, Peyton found herself at Tric, partying it up with Brooke since Chase was back in town and he said this time he'd be staying awhile. It felt slightly strange being with the group again, but it was a good time regardless.
Of course, Lucas was there. He waited until she was winding down in a conversation with someone else to swoop in behind her, boxing her into staying out of of the binds of courtesy.
"Hey." He said softly.
Her gut clenched up instinctively. She nodded at him and tried to turn around.
"Peyton-"
She hated herself for still relishing the way her name felt coming off his tongue. He reached a hand to take her arm and her rage was inflamed into lashing out. "Don't touch me."
He let go, scalded.
"Please…"
"No. No. You have no right saying anything to me at all. You have no right approaching me. So stop it. Stop looking at me and stop coming up to me and stop trying to talk to me."
"Peyton, I-"
"For God's sake STOP SAYING MY NAME!" The words came out as an emotional shout, and she clenched her jaw, embarrassed.
He touched her shoulder again, the weight comforting and familiar, which made her sting even more.
"I didn't mean any of it." He whispered. "You have to know I didn't mean a single word of the mind-blowingly moronic, rude, lies I said to you that day."
Having him here made her remember the words, remember the look of fierce hate on his face when he said them. Her eyes pricked with tears and she hated, hated herself for it.
"I was angry. I was hurt. Nothing I said was said with a straight mind-"
"Which means they were probably the most honest things you've said to me, since you didn't think it through, you just said what was on your mind. What you really felt."
"Jesus, everyone says stuff they don't mean when they're upset. I can't say I've never felt resentment towards you, but God Peyton you know I could never hate you."
"I felt it, Lucas. The hate. It came out of every pore of your body." She was staring hard at the surface of the bar in an attempt to keep her emotions in check.
"I selfishly, stupidly used you as a scapegoat for all the shit I was feeling. I didn't hate you, I hated the circumstances I was in; please, Peyt." His fingers went to her chin and adjusted her face to gaze at him. Instinctively, Peyton's arm shot out and slapped him hard across the face.
"I told you not to touch me." She hoarsely snapped. Watching him clutch his face, his eyes beyond wounded, she held strong to a backbone she had once given up for this man. "I'm done saying sorry to you. I'm done crying over you. I'm done hating myself because of you. I'm done wishing I could be better, wishing I was prettier or richer or more patient or more damn perfect for you. I'm done bending over backwards to try to make your life easier." Her breathing came uneven now but her anger had successfully beat out her grief, her tears at bay.
"I never, ever deserved you." He said quietly in response. "I know that." Oh God, his eyes were watering. Oh God, oh God, oh God.
But Nathan had spotted their blow out and noted Peyton's fury. He squeezed past dancing couples and drunk girls to plant himself in front of Peyton.
"Is everything okay here?" Nathan's tone was not friendly.
Peyton felt a simultaneous rush of affection for Nathan and a pull to hear what else Lucas had to say. The look in his eyes, the soulful expression that could fill her with the best warmth and the coldest pain, called out to her.
"Nathan, this is kind of a private conversation." Lucas sounded strained.
"Yeah. One that's over." Registering and disregarding the pain bubbling over in Lucas's eyes, the brunette placed his hand on Peyton's back and guided her away from his brother.
It wasn't until they were several feet away that Peyton realized her cheeks were wet with tears she hadn't noticed.
Nathan protectively asked if she was okay. In response, Peyton fell against his strong arms and closed her eyes the moment they rounded the corner. He hugged her tightly, saying nothing more.
Peyton pulled herself together as quickly as she could manage. Pulling away in embarrassment, she wiped at her face and wryly told Nathan that she wanted to get very, very drunk.
"You sure? I mean, I'll get you shitfaced if that's what'll help. But we could just go home." Home. The fact that he used that term for the beach house he hated not so long ago, the house they kind of lived in together half the time now, startled Peyton but it felt completely natural. The hole in her chest grew just a little bit smaller. "We could just sit on the couch. Watch a movie." Her silence spurred him to keep talking. "I know you're probably thinking I'm such a dad, boring and house trained and domesticated, and I know it's still early, so we don't have to, but I just wanted to let you know that's an option."
"I'd like that." She smiled. "Let's go home."
Hugging Chase and Brooke before they made their way out of the club, Peyton looked straight ahead of her and willed her smile not to waver.
"You drunk already, chicken legs?" Brooke laughed.
"Group things suck." Peyton shrugged brusquely. "Sorry BFF, love you, but I'm off."
"Mmm. At least Nathan's taking care of you and you're not leaving with some drunk guy." She answered brightly.
"I'll do my solemn best not to let anyone take advantage of her." Nathan chuckled.
Peyton tried to hide her smirk as she bumped his shoulder playfully.
The two continued outside, Nathan struggling to decide if he should say anything about Lucas. What could he say? My brother's a moron. Lucas is a prick. Want me to punch him for you? Should he even bring it up again? What was he expected to do? Would comforting her be too boyfriend-esque? Would ignoring it come off as him not caring?
Just as they were about to split up to go to their separate cars, Peyton turned around quickly. "Thank you." She hugged him again and gave him a small peck on the cheek.
"Anything for PMS." He said glibly.
"I'm sorry I keep crying over him."
"Don't mention it. God knows I'd want to be saved from a conversation with Haley." He shrugged.
"See you in a few." She unlocked her doors.
"We are going to have to deal with them sometime, Sawyer." Nathan opened the door for her. "But we can do it together. And have hot hate revenge sex afterwards."
"You're such a whore." She laughed. "But that would soften the blow."
In the few minutes it took Nathan to walk to his car, his cell started vibrating. Lucas.
"Nate, what the hell. Do you know how long I've been trying to get Peyton to stand still long enough to talk to her?"
"Dude, did you not notice how upset she looked? She's hurting right now. A lot."
"So am I." His was the sound of a broken man and suddenly Nathan felt washed over with contrition.
"I'm not choosing sides, you gotta know that. I'm just worried about Peyton. And you. But she's kind of the underdog right now."
"I said some really fucked up shit to her, man. I really messed up."
"You're going through a lot of heavy crap, Luke."
"Yeah. I just…seeing you stand between me and her tonight…it made me realize how much I've missed you as well as her. We haven't talked in a while." Nathan felt guilt spring up. He had been avoiding him almost as much as he had been avoiding Haley.
"I know man. I'm sorry. I want to help you through this."
"No, I want to help you too. I just lost my fiancée…you just lost your wife. And I've got a best friend to talk to, but man you've got no one. And I feel like I've abandoned you 'cause I was too stuck in my own problems."
"Don't even go there. I'm fine, really."
"God, I miss her Nathan. I miss Peyton so damn much."
"I wish I knew what to say." Was this really happening? Was he really having this conversation?
"Thanks. I just wanted to call to make sure we were cool. You looked…angry in there."
"I'm a sucker for crying chicks, sorry. But…stay away from her, okay? She needs time."
As the conversation winded down and Nathan pulled into the driveway of the beach house, he felt slightly sickened with himself for making light out of his motivations for pulling Peyton away. But it wasn't as though he could tell his brother he was sleeping with the ex love of his life.
Peyton sat on his lap once the two were on the couch in the house. He didn't wait longer than a minute to tell her about the phone call…sans the missing her so damn much part, and conveniently leaving out that he had told Luke to stay away. Peyton cringed and apologized for putting Nathan in between them.
"You never should have gotten caught up with the Scott brothers." Nathan joked. "We're way too much drama."
"What if he hates you?" Her tone was concerned.
"What if they all hate us?" Nathan's was decidedly not. "They'll deal with it. And if all else fails, I'll whip out grade school logic. I had you first."
"I don't know how you can be calm about this." She smiled, mildly enviously.
"Caring what people think makes you hollow." He took her hand. "And I don't want either of us to get to be as hollow as I was."
Liking the feel of his now slightly calloused hands, Peyton rested on Nathan's shoulder as they flipped through the television channels, watching nothing.
-
A few days later, Peyton was leaning against her car with a wicked smirk on her face as she waited for Nathan to park. The moment she saw him kill the ignition, she strode over, not giving him even enough time to get out. He rolled down the window, amused but confused. She had called him earlier to ask him to drive his old SUV that day and he had complied.
"Guess what I found in the back of my closet this morning?" Peyton grinned, her hair left curly that morning. She brought her hands out from behind her back and shook the two pom-poms she was holding.
Nathan laughed, but that wasn't all. Undoing her coat, Peyton smugly revealed that she was wearing her old Tree Hill High cheerleading outfit.
The look on Nathan's face can be described as nothing less but incredulous glee.
"Wanna give me a ride, boyfriend?" Peyton said in the sing-song voice Brooke used to use.
"Boyfriend?"
"Oh shut up, I'm role-playing here." She rolled her eyes. "Now are you gonna stop gawking and let me in or what?"
"Now there's the Peyton attitude that matches that outfit." He unlocked the doors and she hopped in, quickly chucking her coat in the back seat.
"I thought it'd be funny to re-create the past." Peyton held up a CD, the very same one Nathan had thrown out his window after insulting her music taste for the thousandth time years ago.
He laughed out loud this time and gamely put it into the player. She leaned over to kiss him, but he stopped her. "If you're dressed up for me, fair's fair." He jogged out the door, light pleasure across his features.
Five minutes later, he climbed back into the car in his old Tree Hill jersey.
"Man we must look completely ridiculous right now." Peyton snorted, feeling the ever so familiar 23 marked across the fabric.
"Yeah, I do feel kind of old in this. But it's funny shit." Peyton nodded and leaned in to kiss him, but once again he pulled away. "Sawyer, we've gone this far. I think we both know this isn't complete just sitting here in the driveway."
"Oh, you can't really mean-"
Nathan flashed a huge grin and started up the car, driving the once familiar route to the side of the river. The sun had set a while ago and darkness was claiming the world, blanketing the atmosphere near the river with a very comfortable ambiance and one that made Nathan's stomach churn with desire.
"It's funny that this place can still make me feel horny." Nathan shook his head, killing the engine again.
Peyton chuckled, looking around at how completely familiar this way. "You know, I'm way happier right now then I was the last time we were here dressed this way."
The man next to her smiled at her words, his eyes drinking in her form as he pulled her close. Their lips met playfully, her hand cupping his smooth jaw as his hands glided up her leg and under her skirt.
She lifted his jersey off and kissed his chest affectionately. "Damn, you really are kind of hot, Nathan Scott."
"I've missed your curls." He said in response, tangling his free hand in them.
"Wanna be the jack ass and I can be the bitch?" She joked.
He removed her underwear and cupped her ass. "Wanna shut up so I can fuck you?"
She pulled off his shorts and leaned over to kiss his head briefly, watching as he leaned back with his eyes closed. Her hands continued what her mouth had started, as her lips returned to crushing against Nathan's. He let out a quiet moan and turned her over, pushing her back against the seat. They moved against each other, letting the friction build up and the anticipation and need to grow. She breathed out his name pleadingly and he obliged, going into her slowly, agonizingly. He kept his rhythm slow, sending her craving more.
"You're killing me here."
"That's the point." He smirked.
She clutched at his back and wrapped her legs around him, arcing herself forward to feel more of him. She kissed him and bit his bottom lip gently, letting her fingers dig into his shoulders. His resolve faded as his need increased, finally bucking faster for her. Suddenly, Peyton moved forward, shoved him back against the steering wheel, and climbed on top. The speed she moved herself in him was almost frantic, and he grunted in carnal satisfaction as he kept his hands on her ass, doing all he could to hold on.
They both collapsed back against the seats ten minutes later, breathing unsteadily.
"Damn." He sighed, looking at her.
"You really are good in bed." She laughed, fanning herself.
"You're the best I've ever had." Nathan admitted suddenly.
"Seriously?" She raised her eyebrows, delighted.
"Yeah. And I love that I was your first. It's a major turn on."
"We'll have to do this after every game." Peyton smirked, bringing back the high school fantasy.
He just shook his head, letting his fingers trail possessively over her thigh as they drove away from the side of the ride.
"Oh shit, I have to get some of my stuff together at my office." Peyton said a few minutes later. Nathan nodded and pulled into a different lane to drop her off at Tric, asking her if he should wait. She shook her head, saying she'd call if she needed a ride but that she'd likely be fine finding her own way home since Chase would likely be getting off shift soon anyways.
She finished stuffing papers into her bag and flipping through files and had just tracked down Chase to ask for a ride when Lucas popped up beside the two of them and offered her a ride himself.
Peyton knew she should avoid close, trapped proximities to him at all times so she started to say no. She turned away from his dejected form but she couldn't make herself keep walking when he asked her to wait.
Clenching her jaw, she followed him to outside to hear what he had to say.
She noticed that he kept a careful distance, refraining himself from touching her in any way. This hurt her in a way she knew to be ridiculous since she was the one who snapped at him not to touch her.
"You have every right to avoid me." Lucas sighed. "And if I was a smarter man, maybe I would have taken Nathan's advice and stayed away."
Peyton glanced up at him at those words, trying to remember that Nathan was just trying to protect her. That failed and she felt anger at the man for giving Lucas advice about anything.
"I've spent a lot of the last few weeks trying to sort myself out. And everyone was right. I hate them and myself for it, but they were right. I'm always just hiding. Any time I'm with anyone else but you, I'm just hiding."
"You can't say that and expect me to come crawling back every time, Lucas." Peyton said, inflamed. "I told you I made a mistake saying no. I told you I came back for you. I told you everything I felt for you and you slapped me in the face with it and chased after a woman that left you at the altar, a hurt deeper than anything I've done."
"I know. I'm a moron. I'm an ass of a moron." He agreed. "And you…you can't know how much it hurts me to see the pain in your eyes any time our eyes meet. I can't tell you how angry I am at myself for doing that to you."
She crossed her arms and arched her eyebrows. "Yeah, you're sorry. That's not enough. It can't be enough."
"I know. My actions and words have tortured you for months and I know that no apology can ever make up for that. But I just need you to know that I do love you. That I do want to be with you. That I appreciate every second you spent trying to get me to see the truth that we always will be connected. That I regret every moment I tried to fight it. You're the best thing I've ever had, Peyton."
That rang so similar to what Nathan had told her just an hour ago. She tried not to think about the fact that Lucas was talking about best emotionally and Nathan had meant best physically.
"I won't do that to myself again, Lucas. I won't let myself think that we can be happy, won't put myself through the pain. I've fought for you. I have. I've been through hell and back for you and I can't do it again. I won't survive another round of this." She shut her eyes.
"It won't be like that." Lucas whispered. "I want to marry you, Peyt. I want to have forever with you. There will never be anyone else. There won't be that pain anymore. It's just you and me."
She kept her eyes shut and her jaw clenched.
"I know that you may never forgive me for the past year, and I'll understand if you can't ever trust me again. But I need you. You're the only woman I've ever needed. There's been no one else, not since junior year of high school. I've been in love with you since before you even knew who I was. And if I could wait for you then, I can sure as hell wait for you now."
"You've said that before." She said vehemently.
"There's no one else."
"You've said that before." Her voice cracked.
"I won't make the same mistake again."
"You made the same mistake time and time again!"
"But I won't. Not again. Every time I hurt you, I hurt myself. There won't be anyone else for me, not ever. If you can't be with me, then I'll choose to be alone. No one else fits with me. I know that now." He wiped the tears from her face with such softness. "I'd rather be alone than with someone who isn't you."
And his scent, his damn familiar scent, with his stupid familiar expression of stupidly familiar devotion- it got to her. A history of broken promises and flowery words and deception warred with the history of contentment and yearning and so much emotion.
"I can't do this. I can't be hearing this. I can't. I can't. I was getting better, Lucas! The meteor-sized hole in my chest was healing and I was getting better. I was actually happy for a while. And then you come in with the words you've used on every woman you've ever tried to dupe and that hole? It expands again. And I can't."
He shut his eyes, a flinch that exuded so much sadness, before opening them again. "I've never tried to dupe you. I've never wanted to bring you pain."
"Yeah well, intentions don't really matter given the outcome."
As if noticing for the first time, Lucas blurted. "…Are you in your cheerleading outfit?"
"I thought it'd be funny to pretend to be in high school again." She answered acidly.
"God, I wish we were sixteen again so I could fix this."
She hated him for saying that. "Well, we can't be. We're not sixteen, we're not teenagers, we never can be again no matter how much we moronically wish we could be." She was so stupid for dressing up this way, so stupid for thinking she could play pretend for any amount of time. She was so foolish for trying to fool herself.
"If I could do it over again, it'd be you everytime." His fingers lightly laced in hers and it felt so, so good. She stared at their hands and sobbed. "I will never make you cry again." She fell against his shoulder, leaving wet marks on his shirt, letting herself feel the comfort of his warmth wrap around her. His arms held on to her as though they wanted to keep all the pain of the world away from her. But a beat passed and she ripped herself from his grasp, hating herself for wanting to be with him again, hating that her body was begging her to kiss him and love him and let herself be loved by him.
"It'll always be there between us, won't it? You and me."
"I'll be seeing you."
"I'll wait for you."
"True love always."
"I'll never stop loving you." He pledged.
"I wish, I wish, I could." She answered brokenly, walking away from him into the night.
-
She walked the several miles home. Her actual home, with Brooke, not the beach house. She fell into bed, holding herself tightly, trying to breathe.
Her phone rang. Nathan. She shut her eyes and ignored it. Her phone rang. Lucas. She bit her lip so hard it bled and threw the phone against the wall with so much force it cracked in two.
She stared into the darkness of her room noiselessly until finally she felt a weight on her bed and a hand on her shoulder.
"I got worried when you didn't come home, or answer my calls." Nathan said to her back.
This is my home, she thought angrily, but did not voice. This is the place all my crap is, this is the place I pour money into upkeeping, this is my goddamn house.
"Are you okay?"
She shook her head.
"What's wrong? Is it-" She knew he would ask if it was Lucas and she couldn't bear to even hear him say the name so she cut him off in a voice as steady as she could make it.
"Just work stuff. It's getting to me."
He nodded sympathetically. "Do… do you want to be alone?" He sounded hurt suggesting the idea of it. She couldn't bear to hear pain in anyone else's voice. She couldn't bear to see wounded eyes and heartbroken pleas. She looked at him, wanting to tell him to go away, wanting to not deal with anything, ever. Instead she let him wrap his arm around her, a part of her weeping because she could feel no comfort from the embrace.
"We can't stay here. Brooke will see." She said, her voice raspy. Shutting her eyes, she stood up cautiously and walked to the door, knowing without turning around that Nathan was behind her.
Wordlessly walking into the beach house twenty minutes later, he tried to ask if she had gotten a ride from Chase. "I walked."
"Why didn't you call?"
She refused to let Lucas ruin this utopian state she had managed to salvage. She refused to let him win. Forcing a smile, she shrugged that she just felt like walking.
"Are you okay?" He asked again, concern etching itself all over him.
She kissed him comfortingly on the lips. "Don't worry, it's nothing."
Taking his hand, they fell into bed together and she leaned into his chest, faking contentment for the first time in weeks.
Feeling guilty....worried.
Waking from tormented sleep.
This old love has me bound...
But the new love cuts deep
You make me lie...
When I don't want to.
And make someone else...
Some kind of an unknowing fool.
You make me stare...
When I should not.
Are you so strong...
Or is the weakness in me?
AN: Yes, my rare updating habit is bad, sorry! Thanks for the reviews, they fuel me. I was in a rush to finally update this, so I'll likely be editing it sometime since I only had time to skim it over.