A/N: The flashback takes place in an alternate universe of this fanfiction in which I couldn't be bothered making sense or not being racist. I am serious, I got bored writing scenes identically to the original series so I decided to spice it up a bit. I might even make Ivan Milat the last Angel.
Subheading Not Found
"We've been unable to confirm the presence of the 4th Angel with the 5th. It's entirely possible it died of its injuries."
"You know as well as I do Professor, the Angels won't roll over and let us keep the planet. The 4th is returning, and it brought backup."
"You are aware sir, that this suggests the Angels have a near-human level of intelligence guiding their actions."
"You know that's true. Now please, handle things here, I'll sort out the freeze on Unit-00."
...
On the ride back to Headquarters, Shinji wasn't sure if Rei was less at ease than he was, she was fidgeting with her bandages as though possessed by a meth-addicted Spiderman. Mustering up a pittance of courage, he decided to broach what he thought was a very touchy subject.
"Is everything alright Rei? Is your arm hurting you?" Rei abruptly stopped all movement, her head jerking around like a bird to look at Shinji. "No. I am simply attempting to resolve an internal conflict."
"What do you mean, 'internal conflict'?" Shinji tried to meet Rei's gaze, but she had already moved to look at her hands.
"That is the conflict. I am unable to adequately express the sensations I am feeling that have caused the conflict. I have recently experienced strange dreams that I believe are connected to the sensations. Connected to you." Rei spoke without emotion, Shinji couldn't tell what was supposed to be important or not. He wasn't used to handling something so direct so easily. To the relief of Shinji's embarrassment, Rei did not offer anything further on the subject; Shinji did not pry further. Burying his head in his hands, Shinji turned to the window, letting the ride pass in total silence.
...
Misato had cornered Shinji as he was leaving the locker room outside the Cages, pushing him back into the room with one hand. "Misato, I-" he began, stammering due to Misato's closeness, "I should really get to the Eva now." Misato ignored his protestations, pulling him close in a tight hug.
"Welcome back Shinji, I know it doesn't mean much, but it's good to have you here with me." The older woman said.
"I think, Misato, that this falls under some form of molestation in some country somewhere." Misato began to pull away, tears already present in her eyes. "No don't cry I didn't mean- Look, you can hug me, but don't smell my hair and act like I'm a long-lost lover or something."
"I wasn't smelling your hair." She denied.
"You were, it was creepy." Misato turned away, slightly put out with Shinji's oh so hurtful words. She turned to the door, moving too fast for the motors to slide it away fast enough. Rubbing her nose gingerly, Misato turned back to Shinji with one hand firmly over the door frame.
"You should probably get ready Shinji, the Angel will be here soon." Shinji pushed past her to get out of the door. "I'm already ready, I was just leaving." Misato grabbed at his hand as he went past her, openly sobbing in the corridor.
"Don't leave me again, I can't handle single life without you!"
"I've lived at your place for less than a week, then I was away for two days, I don't think we count as living together."
"Don't leave me, please! I can't cook!" She cried out, trying to keep him in her life.
Shinji pointed down the corridor. "I'm going to go over here and fight the giant blue floaty monster now, don't follow me." He began to walk away.
"But I'm lost too! Which way's the Bridge?"
"The opposite direction to me."
...
Rei arrived at Dr Akagi's office exactly two minutes after she had requested a private meeting with the Doctor. As she went to buzz the short-range intercom to signify her arrival the door opened suddenly and Lieutenant Ibuki stepped out, arms hugging a bundle of folders tight to her chest. Ibuki jumped slightly upon seeing Rei so close to the door, a small squeak escaping her mouth. To hide her face, Ibuki brought the folders up to the level of her nose. "Ah! Rei, I didn't know you needed to see Dr Akagi too, if I had, I wouldn't have taken up so much of her time."
"It is alright Lieutenant Ibuki, my appointment with Dr Akagi was not planned more than two minutes ago. I am sure your prior appointment was not overly rushed." Ibuki blushed heavily, bringing the folders up until they were up to her eyebrows. Rei did not understand the cause of such behaviour, at most she understood Ibuki was a person prone to embarrassment, much like Shinji. "Well then Rei, I'd best get back to work." As Ibuki left, Dr Akagi suddenly spun her head around the door frame, calling out to Ibuki.
"You've just been at work Lieutenant, you needn't return to what you haven't left." With a lingering gaze toward the rapidly disappearing 'personal aide', Akagi welcomed Rei into her office. "Now Rei, since you asked for a private talk, I assume you don't want a medical check-up?" Akagi quickly resumed her place behind her desk, legs crossed; Rei remained standing on the other side of the desk, hand over her bandaged arm.
"Dr Akagi, now that Ikari has returned, am I still considered an active Pilot?"
"I've received no message stating that you aren't, so for all intents and purposes I shall treat you as such. But you didn't come here because of that, you could have asked the Commander, and likely will regardless. This is something bigger, isn't it?" Akagi uncrossed her legs and leaned forward over the desk, clearly interested in the topic at hand.
"I am experiencing an internal conflict. I would like your assistance in resolving it."
"Now I'm curious, what kind of 'internal conflict' is it? If I don't know, I can't solve it."
"That is my primary conflict: I am unable to quantify the symptoms of the conflict." Dr Akagi adopted a strange posture, leaning on the desk as she was. Fingers curled, knuckles touching, Akagi looked to Rei with a look of utmost curiosity. Idly tapping her index fingers together, she voiced that curiosity.
"You're saying that you are experiencing some strange feelings. Furthermore, you do not know how to quantify, or in some way, express said feelings."
"Yes Doctor, I would like your assistance in expressing these feelings."
"Sorry, can't do that." Akagi leaned back to rest in the fullness and comfort of her sparse, NERV-issued office chair, continuing her explanation in as sparse a fashion. "I'm not qualified to perform evaluations on complex matters of mental health. I can recommend you speak to one of NERV's mental health specialists however. Dr Dykenschmidt is quite good I hear, I'll put you on to her."
"That will be sufficient. Thank your Dr Akagi."
"Yes. Well then, you'd best head to the Cages, Shinji may need help with this one."
...
"Now Shinji, same procedure as last time: you go up there, shoot for the core and we all go home safe and sound." Misato tapped away at a small keyboard, isolating rail routes and supply caches.
"Won't the Angel know to expect it? It didn't work against the other one, so why this one?"
"We have no guarantee that the Angels can reliably communicate that sort of information, we haven't detected the previous Angel anywhere at all, so we don't think it's worth worrying about."
"I get the feeling it's just waiting for us to make the first move."
Fuyutsuki turned to Gendo a smile growing across his face.
"You wouldn't happen to have told your son anything, would you?"
"Of course not, I'm not that nice."
One Month Ago, Australian Time
"Commence activation."
"Connecting all circuits on umbilical power." A pause as Maya adjusted the tilt of her Akubra hat which was obscuring her view of the Little Screen. "Power Supply bonza, Commander Mate-kari. Commencing full activation on your 'cunt'." Gendo pushed his glasses further up his nose, covering the Tasmania-shaped mole on the bridge of his nose.
"Cunt." At this, several buttons and levers were moved from 'strewth!' to 'Kylie Minogue's Bum', bringing the orange colossus to a slow awakening. The green dome on top of its skull began to glow as the activation voltage approached critical values.
"Dingo ate me baby in 3…" Some blonde sheila began to stare at Unit-00 with great intent
"2…" The old fart standing next to Gendo took a small step back.
"1… Baby eaten."
The Dr Sheila turned to Maya, spouting off some instructions like people gave a shit what she said. Commander Mate-kari put her in her place by taking command, as is his job.
"Begin second phase of the activation." Several more systems were brought up to 'Kylie Minogue's Bum' while some of the previous set were taken back down to 'strewth!'. A small subsection of the office-like space was taken up by men wearing blue wifebeater singlets and dirt-stained shorts. These men were tasked with monitoring the status of the pilot, some other sheila with blue hair or some crazy shit. One of the men, the nominated leader of the group, spoke up over Lieutenant Ibuki. "Ray's linking up with the robot Cunt-mander, all circuits bonza." More of his fellow workers spoke up then; the entire team eventually reporting.
"Synapse inserted." Said Gazza
"Junctions connecting." Said Lazza
"Transmitting nerve pulse." Said Bazza
"All circuits operational." Said Keith
"No problems with initial contact." Said Maya
Commander Mate-kari looked on in stoic appreciation for the forces they were contending with. Dr Sheila adopted a face of apprehensive glee, as though a dingo had only eaten her least favourite child and mauled the others. The old bastard standing behind Gendo looked like he had seen far too many stingray accidents to be hopeful about this.
"Mates, with this we come one step closer to really stickin' it to the Pommies, and if we play our cards right, we can get rid of those fuckin' Abbos too. Activate Evangeline Unit-00!"
Almost instantly the orange giant began to shake, then shudder. It was immediately clear to all gathered in the raised viewing box that things were incredibly not bonza. Gendo Mate-kari blamed this occurrence on the Abbos, he just knew they had done something. He immediately worked through all the possible solutions to stop this Abbo-tainted Evangelion and realised the only way to stop an Aboriginal: make it do work.
"Flood the place with quick-dry cement! As many batches as possible, right now!"
Vents began to open in the giant chamber beyond the window, their payload unloading upon the berserk giant within. Within seconds the grey sludge began to harden its surface over Unit-00, impeding its rampage against the Cunt-mander. It tried to fight the inanimate solution, but its punches were eventually silenced, its thrashing halted. As it's actions ceased, a large panel on the back of its neck was blasted free with explosive bolts. The entry plug fired away from the shuddering beast with blast of short-term rocket boosting fuel derived from beer yeast.
"Commander, isn't that your sheila in that? I mean, the clone of her or some shit."
"Shit Prof, that's right!" Gendo ran out the door and down several flight's of interminable stairs. He almost slipped and fell to his death several times, but he eventually made it to the lowest level where he could access the huge white chamber he had recently been viewing. Running through the rapidly hardening cement, splattering his clothes and face with the mixture in the process, Gendo approached the entry plug laying in a shallow layer of solid cement.
"Ray! Ray, you stupid sheila, you alright in there? Ray!" Gendo brought his hands down upon the emergency open levers protruding from the side of the plug. The plug opened with a flood of boiling hot LCL, forcing Gendo to jump back to avoid being scarred by the scalding fluid. Gendo reached inside the plug, where Ray was slowly regaining consciousness.
"Commander…"
"Ray, are you hurt?"
"Fucken oath Commander, you think I'm gonna be fine after that? You fucks better have good compo for all this."
Present
"Shinji get out of the way!"
"Why? What's wro-" Shinji hadn't noticed it, but the Angel wasn't a simple blue octahedron anymore. Moments after detecting the presence of Unit-01it had changed, rotating, separating, melting and solidifying until it formed a bizarre ring over the sky of Tokyo-3. From four of the largest crystals in the ring came an orange glow that spoke of immense power beyond the reach of human means, a power that swung the ring around and about until it pointed itself directly at Shinji. The glow also spoke of a huge electro-magnetic field being used to accelerate sub-atomic particles to immense speed within the confines of the ring, using the main crystals as refraction points to direct the resulting particle beam in Shinji's direction.
Misato ordered a blast shield raised immediately, but the beam broke down the solid building of metal to molten girders and particle clouds just as fast as it was brought up.
Misato urged Shinji to move again, but the Angel was attacking what he though was his heart, the pain was to great to think of anything but the pain.
Misato was about to enter into a panic herself when Commander Ikari leaned forward.
"Drop the intersection, now."
"How, commander?"
"Detonate the supports."
INTERLUDE GO!
"Since you seem confident, I shall fight you on equal grounds. Only then shall you realise how pitiful you are compared to a Captain of the Geofront 13." Byahyuga stood across from Shinjigo in the most barren section of the Seiretei, possibly even all of Soul Society. Honestly, Byahyuga was happy that his adoptive sister Ruk had been saved by the intruder, but as a Captain he must uphold the laws placed upon them by the Soul King himself.
"'Equal grounds' huh? Let me just warm up my Bankai and I'll be right with you."
"Bankai? You think you can claim a power unattained by many members of my own noble family? I will show you the cost of your impertinence, boy! Bankai. Senbonzakura Kageyoshi." Byahyuga dropped his blade, where it began to disappear as though sinking into water. As it fell, thousands of glowing white blades began to protrude on the local reality.
"So you've got a few knives? You'll need more than that to stop me. Ban…KAI!" The explosion of Reiatsu as Shinjigo called forth his sword was massive, the dust cloud given off channelled and towered until it was a wall as tall as the Soukyoku. The first inkling Byahyuga had as to the fight he was in for was the immense shadow that had come into life behind the cloud. His second inkling came when the cloud dissipated, revealing the shadow to be a behemoth clad in purple armour, easily the size of Kawomura's Kokujō Tengen Myō'ō
"Shin Seiki Evangelion."
INTERLUDE, wat r u doin. INTERLUDE. STAHP!
WHY DO YOU RUN?
To avoid death
WHY DO YOU NEED TO ESCAPE DEATH?
I am afraid of it
WHY DO YOU FEAR IT?
Because it is death
WHY DO YOU NOT FIGHT?
Because I am afraid that if I fight, I will die
THAT'S COWARDS REASONING
Then I'm a coward
NO YOU AREN'T
Then I'm dishonest, and a coward
CHRIST YOU'RE USELESS
You don't know what life's like for me, you're not me
YES I AM
No you aren't
I AM
Are not
I WILL NOT START THIS SHIT
You're giving up? Does that mean I win?
YOU CANNOT WIN A BATTLE WITH YOUR OWN SUBCONSCIOUS, THAT WHICH IS INNER SELF
You're my inner self?
YES, I AM THOU, THOU ART ME
Do I get super-powers now?
WE TALK TO KENSUKE TOO MUCH
You're not the boss of me
YES YOU ARE
That hurts my brain thinking like that
I SWEAR TO CTHULHU I WILL MIND-SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU ONE OF THESE DAYS
Can I go now?
YOU ARE ASKING YOUR SELF FOR PERMISSION TO LEAVE YOUR OWN INNER WORLD?
I don't know how to get out, do you?
IF I DID YOU WOULD KNOW AS WELL. WE ARE ONE
So I can't go just yet?
YOU PLACE THESE LIMITS UPON YOURSELF
You're a pretty shitty all-knowing subconscious
YOU ARE SO MIND-SLAPPED
I'd like to see you tr-FUCK!
I AM LEAVING NOW
But you're my subconscious, how can you leave?
THE TAXI IS WAITING OUTSIDE. GOODBYE
...
"We've ascertained that the Angel has an attack range of up to three kilometres in radius but will automatically attack any large, hostile or fast-moving object within one kilometre of the Angel. It accelerates a collection of sub-atomic particles within its body and then ejects the resultant stream at the targets. At approximately 1030 hours today the Angel extruded a drill from its body and began to penetrate the Geofront's armour layers. As of the status report from 1500 its penetrated 17 of the 46 layers and it's estimated to breach the final layer a little after midnight."
"How's Shinji? And Unit-01, will it be repaired in time?"
"All damage to the pilot was psychological, so the doctors expect him to wake up before 1800 hours. Unit-01 is past the regeneration stage and they're up to refitting the chest armour."
"Has Unit-00 been successfully activated?"
"Dr Akagi's running the tests now."
"Let me know when that's done." Misato turned away from the crowded strategy table and looked around for Hyuga. Finding him proved to be rather difficult, as finding a specific dark-haired Asian man of medium build in a room filled with dark-haired Asian men of medium build is not as simple as it first appears. Of course, Misato could have circumvented the problem by ordering Hyuga colour his hair bright pink or wears a giant yellow top hat while at work. The main issue with this solution is that once the trend has been started everyone would do it, forcing Misato to order Hyuga not dye his hair or wear a brightly coloured hat, condemning all of NERV to a vicious cycle.
Misato eventually decided to yell for him as that seemed the most sensible solution.
"Hyuga! Get me a coffee, a beer, a coffee with beer in it and a beer with coffee in it!"
Hyuga, however, wasn't in the room. Sending a generic dark-haired intern of medium build on what amounted to a fool's errand, Misato turned back to her Gender-Neutral Planning Committee comprised of multi-denomonational men and women of various builds.
"Anyone have anything about the Angel? Probable method of how the fuck is it hovering? How it changes shape? Best idea for a first date?" Misato was obviously grasping at straws too small for the eye to see, but she kept grasping, hoping that she'll happen upon a pinhead-sized idea that allows any chance of Humanity's survival. After a few moments of consultation with members of the Gender-Neutral Planning Sub-committee the members of the Gender-Neutral Planning Committee fired off their suggestions and knowledge rapid-fire, one after the other.
Committee Member Okinawa: "The Angel likely uses it A.T. Field to float in a manner similar to the previous Angel."
Committee Member Smith: "It also likely uses its A.T. Field to alter its shape."
Committee Member Hitler: "And its probably using its A.T. Field to accelerate the subatomic particles. The huge power output of its S2 Engine enables it to create a particle beam of huge destru-"
"So its A.T. Fields all the way?" Misato sat with arms crossed, deep in thought and slightly perturbed at this repetition of the phrase 'A.T. Field'.
"We believe so, yes." Said Hitler
"Alright. Is there anyway we can break its A.T. Field?"
"A sufficiently charged group of positively-charged particles should be able to negate the electro-magnetic field holding the Angel's core together." Okinawa was the only female member of the Committee that had studied a science through higher education.
"Can I get that without the science?" Misato hadn't.
"If you shoot the Angel's A.T. Field with a very powerful electric bullet, we'll be able to destroy the Angel easily. We'll have to do it outside the attack range of the Angel's own electric beam." Okinawa seemed quite adept at Virgin to Japanese translation
"OK. Do we have a gun able to fire that electric bullet?"
"The particle accelera-gun, would have to be the size of an Eva unit, and it would most likely need a humongous amount of power to destroy the Angel."
"But do we have the gun?"
"There's a group of scientists that made a straight-line positron accelerator. I suppose we can modify sections to allow an Eva to use it."
"New Plan! We're going to shoot that geometric fuckwad with a lightning cannon!" Realising that a solution exists, Misato broke a cardinal rule of mathematicians everywhere: Never Actually Solve the Problem (Rule: -5i+$7.5*sqrt(hole punch))
"It's antimatter, not lightning."
"Anti-Lightning!"
"Le sigh" said Committee Member Jacques Remille
...
Shinji woke with a start.
"LEPRECHAUNS TOOK MY BRAIN ON A TAXI TO FRANCE!"
With a further start, he realised he had jumped out of the hospital bed, dive-rolled away from the door and adopted a pose that would bring shame to a yellow-belt in anything, all in front of Rei and a large wheeled cart.
"Your brain appears to be present."
Straightening from his lowered fighting pose, Shinji turned the rest of his body to face Rei. "Di-did I win? Did I do the thing where the Eva goes insane?"
Rei shook her head. "You did not. The Angel is currently occupying space above the centre of the city and is actively penetrating the armour layers above the Geofront."
"Is there a plan to destroy it? They can't be thinking of sending us against it again, can they?"
Rei reached into a lower section of the cart, retrieving a manila folder from its shining depths.
"Your section of the mission is outlined from page ten onward." Rei then handed Shinji a small meal tray and a plastic-wrapped package. "It is recommended that you eat before hand. You have also been issued with a new Entry Plug Suit for this mission." Rei left as simply as she had arrived, a look of deep thought crossing her face.
Later, at Mt St Haro
You will survive, because I am protecting you. Goodbye.
Shinji could have majored in Marine Biology and Interpretive Dance and still seen the flags Rei had raised within a five-minute conversation. With those thoughts leading his mind, he synched with Unit-01 as it lay by the positron accelerator.
But I'm not trained for an operation like this.
I am bonded to Unit-00.
We believe in you Shinji; good luck.
Wark!
"Shinji, your synch rate is only at 61%." Maya began, the only person brave enough to speak in the now taut Stationary Mobile Command Centre. "Can you do something to raise it?"
"I can try, I guess…" Shinji tried to force the unnecessary thoughts from his mind, but he was barely half successful. Futile though his efforts seemed, it apparently worked. He could feel a pulling at the back of his head, as though leprechaun's really were stealing his brain. He'd only felt this sensation when synchronising with his Eva unit, so he must have done something right.
"Unit-00 active, Unit-01 active. Ready to commence operation."
"All lines routed through New Gotemba substation. Storage systems at 80% critical voltage."
"Operation start time in T minus five minutes. Prepping fuses."
"Shinji, we're entrusting you with the power of Japan. We stand with you; by your efforts, we'll survive."
"That's quite a bit of pressure and melodrama for a lightning cannon Misato."
"Everything official gets recorded, I might as well say something good."
Later, when I could think of something to write
"Storage systems at 100% critical voltage, beginning transfer to particle accelerator." Misato looked to Ritsuko for confirmation, it seemed everything else was 'right to go'.
"Everything's set on our end; Unit-01, fire when ready."
Shinji sat back in the Entry plug, then leaned forward into the drop-down visor that was hastily grafted onto both the plug and Unit-01's head. Shinji began to list off the required computations, tick-tacking away at buttons lodged in the control handles.
"Gravity compensation active. Coriolis calculations complete. Rotational velocidensity ascertained and dampened. Ready to fire." Shinji took an agonising stretch of time to sort the flickering triangles into a cohesive whole. First the triangles flickered into a square, then something resembling a circle, finally forming a traditional diamond cross-hair.
"This is Unit-01, Shinji Ikari; Targeted and Firing!"
The Prototype Straight-line Positron Accelerator discharged in a single blinding beam as the huge volume of antimatter was forced through a tube of matter into an atmosphere of matter, exploding along the way. Shinji couldn't see past the massive visor, but everyone watching on a non-shielded camera, i.e. All of them, would have been left without functioning retinas for a good minute or two.
"Rei, can you see the Angel? Did I hit it?"
"The positrons deviated from their intended path."
"What?"
"You missed. The positrons were acted upon by a force not involved in the calculations." Rei was, for some reason, eminently suited for an exposition of 'science'. This was most likely because everyone else able to science was suffering from Burning Retina Syndrome, a terrible, blinding disease. Opening the channel to Dr Akagi in the Stationary Mobile Command Centre, Shinji decided to get some proper science from a scientist.
"The shot missed Dr Akagi; did I do anything wrong?"
Shinji noticed it then, the mounting sense of dread that had built itself up from the moment he decided to fight. It was simple really: the A.T. Field of the Angel they were attacking had a fluctuating magnetic charge, which they had compensated for in their calculations. Shinji knew enough about magnets to know that a magnetic field would alter the path of any charged particle. It just so happened that positrons accelerated by over 2TW of power were sufficiently charged enough to be deviated by an Angel's A.T. Field enfolding into existence by the lake beside Tokyo-3 proper.
"Never mind Dr Akagi, I figured it out. The other Angel is back."
...
"Hear that, Fuyutsuki?"
"Yes I did, Commander."
"And that means?" Gendo drew his sentence out, motioning for Kozou to continue.
"It means, that I pay one instalment on Captain Katsuragi's car."
"Very good Kozou, I was worried you were going senile on me."