Chapter 4

JJ sat in her house. She wanted to go outside, but she didn't… couldn't. It was wonderful seeing Emily again, she just wished she could be happier about it. Henry sure was glad to see her… Henry. She'd just told him a little, how daddy went away for a while. She wanted to establish their own routine before telling him that he was never coming back.

Spence. She had called Em every day, trying to get in touch and tell her what had happened to Spencer. She knew she would come. And then it had happened to her too. To Will. "Line of duty" and all that. Cops risk their lives every day. He was… gone because of it. He was gone.

She thought she'd cry more. She thought she'd be more emotional. Instead she felt numb. Like she was all filled up with cotton inside, everything muted. She wanted to be with Spence, because he of all of them knew, could understand. But he didn't want her there. He didn't want anyone, it seemed though, most of all, he didn't want her. She didn't know why, but she wouldn't force it. She'd just help him. Getting Emily for him, making sure to keep Hotch informed about how he was doing, making sure he had food. It seemed like he was so much worse off than her, emotionally.

A part of her knew she was sublimating. Like it was all just too much for one month and her brain, her heart, was protecting her by going numb. But she wondered if she'd ever feel anything ever again. She jumped as her phone went off. Emily.

"Hey, how's Spence?" she asked, immediately.

"He's as good as he can be at the moment. We're watching Solaris and I took a minute to come call you from the bathroom."

"The bathroom, huh?"

"We'll be about another 2 hours or so. Then I think you should come over."

"Emily… he really doesn't want me there. He hasn't been overtly rude or anything, just always seems relieved when I go."

"JJ, I don't think Reid knows what he wants right now, and what he does think might not be the best thing for him. It's been a month. I know everyone grieves in their own time, but he needs to let us in a little more. The only way that's going to happen is if we push."

"Alright, well I'm going to try to get outside for a long walk, then I'll come over, if you think it'll help."

"Good. See you soon."

Emily walked back into the front room and Spencer said "How's JJ?" without taking his eyes off the screen.

"Busted." she admitted.

"When's she coming?" he asked.

"She'll be here in a few hours. I thought we'd finish the movie."

"Why don't you finish, Emily?" He handed her the remote. "I'm gonna go take a bath."

"But –" she began.

"I've seen it 13 times. I know what happens." He said, shrugging.

"I'm going to order food, then. I'm hungry."

Spencer shrugged again.

"Chinese?" she asked.

"Sure. No chopsticks for me."

"I know."

Emily watched him go. Saw his slumped shoulders and understood. Something like a movie can only take you out of your pain for a little while, and he was at his limit. JJ had emailed her the scans of his and Maeve's letters and she had seen the depth of what they felt for each other, the way they had perfectly understood one another. Poor Reid.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. Yep, she still had her favorite Chinese takeout on speed dial. As she waited for them to answer she thought how much she missed these people, this town, this life. She always felt so needed here…

JJ walked. And walked. Her stylish yet affordable boots kicking the dry leaves in her path, or stepping on them. She loved the crunch. She looked up at the bare boughs, breathing in the crisp air, feeling the cool, light breeze toss her hair. She was amazed at how focused she could be on these inconsequential things, how much satisfaction they gave her, while what was really important, she was numb to. Jennifer was no dummy. She knew she wasn't going to get off scot-free with this, and that her grief would hit her – probably very hard in the coming weeks – but right now? She was almost… enjoying her solitude.

Her sadness was there, scratching at the edge of her consciousness. She could sense it, feel it, but she could also ignore it, and she was grateful for that. Will's death, his sudden, violent death, was horrific. So why wasn't she feeling the horror?

Her thoughts turned to Spence. Her amazing, brilliant friend. She missed him. And this was an emotion that she did own. They had grown apart since Emily's faked death and re-emergence. Things had never been the same since then. He glossed over it, for the sake of the team, but he had never really come fully back. They'd never gotten back to the special rapport, the trust… that had been broken with that fiasco. Everyone had understood. The deception had been necessary to protect the team. All but him. He had never really forgiven her. And she had married Will.

Part of her had to wonder if it was payback, now. If he was being cold and distant because he wanted her to feel what that was like, from him. She doubted it, though. He didn't have a vengeful bone anywhere near that body. Sweet, kind, dear man. God what was he doing in this life, this job?

JJ shook her head to clear it, and looked up. She opened her mouth in surprise as she found herself in front of his apartment building. She glanced up at the second story window and there he was, his hair still wet from his bath, looking down at her.

They stared at each other for what must have been five full minutes. JJ finally noticed her hands were freezing. She put them in her pockets and, never breaking eye contact, shrugged. He tilted his head down towards the door, beckoning her in with that slight gesture, and she moved then, obediently coming in and climbing the steps to his place, his home, feeling somewhat welcome here for the first time in a very long while.