Relive or Regret :chapter 4
by Spirit of Eowyn.
Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to the Hunger Games. I didn't write them like Suzanne Collins or else I would be publishing this and it wouldn't be fanfic.
A/n: when I read the last chapter to my husband he thought there was skinny dipping involved. There wasn't, otherwise Peeta would have had eyes completely glued to her and the lets be friends talk would just be cruel. I've been writing a lot. I had planned to finish the day in this chapter but there was so much going on and I'm at 10 pages!
"Are you okay?" I ask, reaching out a hand to help him up.
"No." Peeta answers. " I mean, I'm not injured," he brushed off his pants, rejecting my hand and frowning at the ground. "But no, that's not the norm, but I can't help it okay? I've tried-"
Oh. I hadn't considered how low his self esteem was right now. Damn. Even when I was trying to say something nice to him, I failed. I grabbed his hand and interrupted him.
"Peeta. I'm not. I would never try to embarrass you. I wasn't talking about you. No, I mean I was talking about you, but I mean,"
He looked at me and I could feel his hand tremble in mine along with his lips. He thought i was going to reject him again. I couldn't stand it anymore. I kissed him quickly, barely a meeting of lips.
" I meant I missed you. I told you I'm horrible with words."
"You missed me." He said as if it was a foreign concept.
"Yes. I like spending time with you when it's not completely awkward." Like it is now.
I saw his shoulders straighten and the beginnings of a smirk appeared but his tone was still uncertain. "And you think I'm handsome."
"I'm not blind." I bump into his shoulders.
He bumped my shoulder back. Okay, we were okay now.
A smile returned to his face. "Clearly. I've seen you shoot." He teased. "Katniss Everdeen finds me attractive. Hmm."
"Hey," I cover his mouth with my hand. " Shh.. Or the entire district will hear you and my reputation will be ruined." I teased right back.
"Oh yes, that would be horrible." He rolled his eyes.
We pass the fence and the meadow in a similar flirtatious manner.
"You've shown me your woods, I could show you how to make your own cheese buns..."
I look horrified. "You're going to leave me to the mercies of my own baking skills?"
He laughed." No, I wouldn't do that. I just thought it would be something else normal we could do. I don't really see you as the type to want to just hang out doing nothing or shopping."
"Yeah, no," That's a merchant thing, excluding Madge. "We could do that."
He smiled.
"Tomorrow maybe? You'll have to remind me though." Since tomorrow I'll have no clue what you're talking about and no memory of this place.
By now we were in the middle of the Seam. So I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was when I saw Gale, and with nothing better to do, waved. We were friends still, right? He frowned at me and jogs to catch up. The first thing I notice is that Gale is handsome, although I'd always known that if not from the visual evidence then from all the talk of the girls at school. Okay, stop noticing that Katniss! It's been years since I have seen him in person and it's a bit weird for me how friendly he is acting. He doesn't look at all awkward at seeing me. He hasn't killed anyone yet and I haven't chosen Peeta over him. He doesn't look like a military leader, just some kid in sooty clothing. I'm mostly trying to wrap my head about how different he is too. Maybe if District 12 hadn't of been bombed he wouldn't of been as ruthless as he'd become.
Peeta scoots closer to me so we are practically touching. Oh, maybe Gale hadn't been frowning at me. I had hoped to avoid a macho pissing contest but I forgot I was dealing with two teenaged boys and the girl between them.
"Hey." Gale said looking down at Peeta but addressing me. He gives me a huge prolonged hug and goes so far as to lift me off the ground. And then he does that weird thing guys do. He smells my hair. I just came from the woods and I'm probably sweaty and gross but somehow I'm supposed to be cool with that? I don't see what they get out of it, except maybe a sweaty nose. The only hair I've smelled was my kids either because they smelled like baby or to see if it needs washing.
" I thought you'd still be at work." I say pulling away. He smells like soot.
"Took the early shift Catnip." Gale said, pulling me into his side. I'm not sure if he's doing so because he wants to and we were at the point where this was okay, or for his competition.
"Oh. How's the family?" I say.
"Posy is still feeling sick." Posy was sick? I couldn't tell you when that had been. Decades and life and death experiences had made memories of little things like temporary illness of a friends sister fade.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll send my mother over when I get home."
At this point Gale is pretending Peeta no longer exists. "You should come see her, she's been asking about you." Gale said and pulled on my braid.
Peeta clears his throat, and looks pointedly at me.
"Oh, Gale, this is Peeta, Peeta, Gale." I say as if I think it's at all possible that they don't already know each other from school or in their sizing up the competition. My husband Peeta had told me that guys have an innate sense of who else is interested in a girl long before the girl is aware. Normal girls that is, so years before I would get even a vague clue. For all I knew they had been having this contest for years already.
I break free of Gale and stand between them in neutral ground. I like you both, and I'm not allowed to choose yet so calm down.
Gale pretends that he's just noticed Peeta's existence and he's a turkey. Prey. Peeta pretends polite interest.
They shake hands and I see white knuckles and forced smiles.
"We don't want to make Prim wait." Peeta said to me casually.
"Yeah, I'll stop by later." I said to Gale apologetically. Well, I think I at least sound that way.
Conversation is stifled a bit by our meeting, but Peeta goes to great efforts to get me to laugh. Again, for me, or for the appearance of my laughter. At my point in life it doesn't really matter but they don't know that.
"I've always wondered what it would be like to have a younger sister." Peeta says. "Do sisters shove each other as a sign of affection?"
I laugh. "No," I shrug because I've never had brothers or any siblings besides Prim. "You look out for each other, and braid each others hair and share secrets." I leave out that I braided her hair mostly because my mother had checked out and someone had to when you have to heat your own water to have what I would now lightly term a bath. I let her braid mine because it was practical and it was something she liked that I could afford to give her. She had told me her secrets and I had acted like everything was okay so she wouldn't worry.
He pulls on his hair, which is longer than usual and is brushing his ears. "Can't braid this."
" I could try." I tease.
"No, that's quite alright. I have a reputation to maintain." He warded me off but still smiled.
"What is it like to have brothers?" I ask as we pass into town.
"Fun most of the time, pulling pranks on each other and they showed me some moves."
"Moves?" I had to ask.
He looks caught or worried I would misread his words. "Wrestling moves."
Uh huh. Sure, I know all your moves by now Peeta and most of them can't be taught. I admire his backside, covertly. If he wasn't such a good person his words could have romanced his way into about any girls heart. Instead he chose the hardest one to convince in the district.
I notice Mrs. Mellark in front of the grocers. She glares at me as if I'm the Seam trash she imagines. I grab Peeta's hand. That's victor to you, you child abusing witch. How anyone could ever hurt their own child, let alone Peeta... I used to hate her, but with children of my own now my animosity towards her has increased exponentially. If anyone so much as slapped my child they would find themselves on the unfriendly end of a arrow. I glare right back, and do my best snobbish Effie 'you're beneath me' impression.
"Katniss." Peeta said, nodding at his mother and squeezing my hand.
I blink up at him, trying to cool my fuming. "I swear if she still hurts you, I'm going to give her a piece of my mind. Mother or no."
I see his jaw clench and swallow hard and it's clear he'd rather talk about most anything else. "She doesn't."
"Good." I bite out.
"You noticed?"
I didn't want to say that half the school noticed, including anyone who had ever seen his brothers. " I saw her hit you for saving my life."
He swallowed. "It was worth it. You were worth it. You were always worth it." He gets this hopelessly in love with you look on his face, and as much as I like it, I have to say something for his future benefit. I like it, but tomorrow's Katniss will feel guilty and freak out at that look.
"I agree that it was for my family, but you're coming on strong again," I chide as gently as possible.
He steps back. "Sorry."
"It's okay." I say. " I just never know what to say when you say stuff like that. I'm not good at words, and it reminds me just how much I owe you."
He looked a bit offended. "Owe, you don't owe me anything."
I sigh. Good thing he's getting this explanation from me, and not me me. " It's not that I think you're going to try and collect someday. In the Seam, no one not family would do something like that and we don't like to owe anyone anything. We may be poor and starving but we have our honor. It's all most of us have."
"I've heard that but-" He argues.
"No buts. Reminding me of owing you is only going to make me feel guilty for not making it up to you before, or at least having the guts to say thank you." I shake my head. "And when I feel guilty-"
" You clam up. Okay. Okay." He concedes.
I can tell that school has already let out because of all the young children in the road, so we head straight to the victors village. We pass through Main Street where the bakery is. The old town. I remember it looking nicer than this, but compared to what it is now it is barely held together with paint and nails. The merchants we pass are thinner than the poorest people living in twelve now. I can't believe that I had once thought them well fed. I have to lighten the mood so once the village is in sight, I reach into my bag and pull out the chocolate bar I had put in it this morning. I show it to Peeta.
"Whoever reaches my house first gets the first bite. Ready, set go."
He grins and we take off. I'm pretty fast but Peeta seems motivated. I reach the porch first but he tags the porch post seconds later as I pull out the bar and take the first bite with a big over exaggerated sound of pleasure at the taste.
He pounces grabbing me around the waist, I squeal. I break free and try to keep it out of his reach until he tries a new tactic. Instead of reaching for the bar that is behind my back, he just looks at me like I'm the whole world to him, inching closer until I have to fight habit to close the distance between us. Inches is all that separates us. I haven't gone this long without his kisses in the last twenty years. I bite my lip to keep my distance and try to keep from looking at his deep blue eyes. So clear, it makes my heart ache. He brushes my hair behind my ear and my eyes flutter almost closed. He grins mischievously at me and I know he must know I wanted to kiss him, that or-
He backs away from me and takes a big bite of chocolate. "Mmm. Mmm. This is good."
He was distracting me. Damn. He still is. What would a chocolate flavored kiss with a teenaged clearheaded Peeta be like? "No fair using your wiles, Mr. Mellark."
I am rewarded with one of his smiles that reach his eyes then Peeta looks behind me. I hear the door open.
"Hey, Prim," he says as I turn around. "want some chocolate?" he breaks off a piece for himself and hands her the rest.
"Thanks!" She says eagerly. Prim has gotten a taste for chocolate too.
I should probably go inside. Peeta waves as he steps off our porch.
I can barely stand it. "Hey, wait!" I call after him. "Do you want to have dinner with us?"
"What are you having?" He asks.
I have no idea. I shrug. "Probably stew."
"Okay." He smiles back. " I'lI bring dessert." I swear he is close to skipping.
"And cheese buns!" I answer.
He laughs. "Not sick of them yet?"
"Of your buns? Never." I reply.
His eyes widen and I'm sure he thinks my wording is an accident.
"Peeta's nice." Prim says, playing with her new blue hair ribbons.
"You're just saying that because he keeps bribing you with sweets." I say.
She grins, my little sister. I can't help it, I give her a big hug, and pull her into the house.
"How was school?" I ask.
She tells me about her friends and classes and something weird Rory did, and I listen. Every now and then she pauses to nibble on the chocolate. She never said so but I know it's become her favorite food. Without the games she would never of had the oppourtunity to discover that. She tells me how she aced her science and math tests. Prim was always very smart. While we talk on the couch, Buttercup comes to sprawl across her lap. Buttercup died over ten years ago we buried him the back yard, but here he was fat and happy. Today was a bit like visiting everything I had lost, as if it had just been preserved in a jar. District 12 as it was, all these people still alive. Gale not utterly ruthless, Peeta unharmed, whole. Prim alive.
I feel like I should say something important to Prim with this chance. Apologize for letting her down in the future. Thank her for helping me keep it together after fathers death when I couldn't confide to my mother my grief. For understanding. For being my little sister and reminding me that not everyone is selfish and uncaring. I want to tell her to never go to the Capitol, never trust Coin. But it wouldn't make sense to her now. I could never tell her to stop helping people who are ill or hurt, it's part of who she is. I wish I was good with words and could somehow persuade her to stay away from all danger or express my gratitude. But the words don't come yet, so I just listen to her and smile and hope that is enough for now.
I don't deserve to see her again like this, I think. Guilt chokes me and I fight the fat tears welling up.
"Are you alright?" My sister asks concerned. I'm not one for tears.
"No, I just." My voice betrays me. " I'm so proud of you."
She doesn't look convinced. I don't blame her.
"Did Peeta hurt you feelings?" She asks.
"No." I say with confidence. No, that's always me.
"Gale?" She asks. I had told her about how awkward things had been between us since the games.
"Not really. I just. I've just been thinking how much things have changed recently when I passed our home, and I was thinking what dad would have thought of us in this house, eating whatever we want, as much as we want without working in the mines." I lie, although I have in the past.
She looks older when she answers. " I think he would have been proud."
"I hope so. Even though it came at such a cost? I feel like I'm stealing it from Rue. From a lot of other kids who deserved a good life after everything..."
"I liked Rue." Prim whispers. "She seemed really nice."
"She was." I say. Look at me? Here I was trying to show my appreciation for my sister and make her happy and all I've done is made her sad. "Nevermind that. How about you and I go to town and I buy you whatever you want."
Her eyes go wide. "My birthdays not for months!"
"Do I need an excuse to dote on my one and only sister ?" I ask, standing up.
I can tell she thinks I'm being wildly extravagant, but I don't care. This is something I can give her now.
"Mom, we are heading to town. Need anything?" Prim asks my mom in the kitchen.
"Nothing I can think of at the moment. Dinner will be done in an hour." She answers and it looks like she's making some kind of roast with vegetables.
"Okay." Prim says.
Oh, right. " I invited Peeta over for dinner, he's bringing dessert and rolls, is that okay?"
I haven't had to ask permission for anything for a long time and even then with my mom it was usually asking forgiveness instead.
"Yeah. I think it's sad that he lives all alone, he's invited any time you ask." My mom says.
I thank her.
We stop by Peeta's house on our way out, and I knock on his door, which is weird for me.
He looks surprised to see us so soon. "Dinner should be ready in an hour, looks like a roast instead,is that okay?"
"Yeah." He says, paint in his hair and a long apron on.
"We're heading to town, do you want to come?" Prim asks.
"Um, I was working on a painting," He looks torn, and glances at me for permission. Maybe he thinks he would be overstaying his welcome since we have gone from ignoring each other for months to spending most of the day together.
I smile at him as an answer.
"But, sure. Let me just take this off," He gestures at his apron, going back inside and comes back with wet hair and the apron gone.
So we all make the short walk to town.
"So where to first?" I ask.
" I can get anything?" She confirmed.
"Yeah," I answered readily.
"The general store," Which carried clothes, soaps and everything non food that the grocer didnt carry, since a clothing store couldn't provide for a family with how rarely new clothes were purchased. Prim blushed and looked between Peeta and I. " for lipstick."
I turned her around to face me. "You're only 13, who would you be wearing it for?"
She blushes and turns to a cheerful Peeta who was covering his mouth to keep from getting in trouble. "No one." She stutters out. " You know girls, normal girls wear makeup. You wore it on TV even!"
"Who." I grit out. Prim was much girlier than I ever was but makeup for its sake had never been her thing. Well, obviously that I had known of. I had never seen her try on mother's makeup.
"Rory, right?" Peeta says when Prim looks desperate. She nods, turning pink.
I turn to him in disbelief.
He shrugged. "I noticed."
I gaped. Part of me wanted to tell her she was too young for any kind of romance, but then how much could it hurt if she died at 14? No, no she wasn't going to die, I just hadn't figured out how to save her yet.
"You know you're too young to be," not in love, can't say that. Prim would be pissed and Peeta could point out that he fell in love at five or Prim could point that out and things would get super awkward.
She looked at me expectantly. " to, to be wearing makeup. If a guy really likes you then he'll like you without it."
I tried not to be insulted when she didn't just take my advice, and turned to Peeta for his view.
"It's true. If he's worth your time, and really likes you, he'd love you even if you were covered in mud, blood, hadn't washed in days, and scowled at him." Peeta used a serious voice but I couldn't help feeling like I was the butt of a joke.
"Awwww." Prim seemed to be eating this up. That was Peeta, able to make being smelly, nearly dying, and cross into something romantic. "That's so sweeeeet."
He winked at her. "Don't settle for less."
"I don't know if its love yet, but all the boys look at Amelia Cobbler and she wears bright red lipstick and I just, I want to be noticed." She pushed her blonde hair behind her ear shyly.
"How about a new outfit?" I compromise.
"Okay." She says.
I want to say any outfit she wants but I'm kinda worried what she might pick out now that it seems she's not as oblivious to boys at 13 as I was at 17.
"We should find you something blue to match your eyes." Peeta suggested once we were inside the shop.
She tries on a few outfits, one of which is way too short and showing way too much skin. Nice try. Peeta is quick to say that it's unflattering. Once Prim is back in the dressing room he whispers to me with some horror, "I would never want my little sister to wear something like that."
"Thanks." I whisper back. He nods.
We eventually settle on practical dark brown pants and a loose plum blouse, with boots. She looks more teenager and less little girl. She even braids her hair in one braid over her shoulder when I realize it, she's trying to look like me. Does she think I'm the pretty one? That looking like me will make her popular with guys? Well, okay. Probably the two most attractive guys in the whole district are vying for my affections but I can't imagine anyone wanting to trade places with me.
" I need to find a feather." She says looking at herself critically in the mirror.
"How about about this?" Peeta asks, holding up a copper coated feather pendant on a simple brass chain.
Her eyes light up. "Perfect!"
I give her the money to go buy her gifts herself and Peeta stays at my side.
"I used to copy my oldest brother Rye, joined the wrestling team because I thought it would make him respect me." Peeta comments with amusement.
" I just never thought she wanted to be like me. She's so gentle, she cried when she sees injured animals. She could never hunt." I shake my head.
"Lots of girls probably want to be like you, you pulled off the impossible," he bumps into me." And well, you get to be seen with me." He puffs out his chest in a familiar way.
"True. Had to save your life to get that privilege."
He frowns, so I add. "You know, after you saved my life a bunch."
He just nods and heads over to Prim. 39 and still an ego killer Everdeen. I wince. Gah, why did I think decades would make me better at this?
We head back to the victors village and I don't know if I've actually helped anyone yet. Its starting to get dark and I don't have that much time left. It's frustrating. I just want to be able to say.' Hey you, don't ever go to the Capitol cause I said so, so do it! And don't volunteer for the quell, or at least follow Beetee to the tree and stay there like a good love of my life. For the sake of my sanity and yours. Okay? Fixed.' But I can't. One they'd think I was crazy, two you can't force people to do things three Snow can never suspect time travel so I must be careful.
"Sunset's pretty." Prim says, to break up this awkward silence no doubt. Peeta agrees.
I look up and it's this brilliant orange and pink.
Even if I write myself a letter, would I even believe what I wrote? I was so suspicious and distrustful back, now. If I can't even change my own damn mind...
My time to change things is running out.