*Thanks so much for the reviews on this fic, I've really enjoyed writing this one with all the old faces but with the lack of interest I decided to put it on the back-burner whilst I concentrated on 'Dirty Secrets'. In the last couple of though I've had a few people asking me to update so here we are! I hope you enjoy and please review, it's how I determine whether or not people are liking the fic :) XX*
She was becoming more and more aware that people were avoiding her on the ward. She'd already been through bullying allegations before and certainly didn't need to have her name tarred again, especially since Michael had recently tainted the name 'Beauchamp' in the most extraordinary and criminal way possible. No, she had to protect her status and pull herself together. She'd already lost her secret lover, her job was the only thing she had, she couldn't lose that as well even at the expense of her mourning. Making more of an effort, she stared at herself in the bathroom mirror, her green scrubs making her complexion look even more washed out and exhausted than she really was. She had to suck it up and act chummy with everyone today, no matter how much it grated on her. Hearing voices approaching she blinked slowly, pushing herself away from the sink as she squeezed past the nurses entering.
"Ah, Mrs Beauchamp." She held back an eye-roll at the sound of Joseph's voice, turning to smile at him as convincingly as she could, judging by his expression, he could see straight through her facade, the bags under her eyes were concealed but still visible within close proximity.
"Mr Byrne, what can I help you with?"
"A patient recently admitted is requesting to be seen by you, and only you." His speech was stilted, it was almost a nervous thing but regardless it irritated her.
"Right." She turned and continued walking, inviting him to follow. "Tell them I'll be with them as soon as possible."
"Well, that's the thing you see." He stammered. "It's a child and I'm not sure we should leave them waiting? His Mother is quite...agitated to say the least." He winced at her irate sigh as she swung her stethoscope around her neck, catching sight of Sam as she turned back around around to face Joseph.
"Mr Strachan, whenever you're ready." Demanding him into action without actually having to ask him, he more or less threw his stuff down and was marching behind her within seconds.
"He hasn't been a patient here before but his Mother seems to know you fairly well." He guided the way as Connie and Sam followed, Sam was trying to straighten his tie and Connie was focussed on her watch as she tried to correct the time on it. "Here we are." He used the hand sanitiser on the end of the bed, his body language stiffening upon the tension he suddenly felt around him.
"Connie." The fatigued and heavily pregnant Mother addressed her coldly, causing Sam to glance to his side at Connie before looking at this woman and finally to Joseph, whose facial expression matched his own right now. Pure confusion and even a little bit of concern.
"Susan." She choked her name out, quickly licking her upper lip and glimpsing briefly at the child in the bed. Her throat felt like it had closed up. Stepping backwards, she held her hands out a fraction and shook her head. "I can't treat-"
"You will treat him. It's the least you can do, don't you think?" She snarled maliciously, her lip curling with each word spoken. Although he and Connie were at odds 70% of the time, Sam couldn't help but feel slightly protective of her. Almost the same way bees in a hive rush to the aid of their queen, this was a similar situation. He could see, even feel that Connie was beyond uncomfortable right now for whatever reason, and he wanted to diffuse the situation. From what he could gather about Connie, she was a known ball-breaker but this situation with her previous registrar passing away had caused her to become even more steely, he could only assume she was going through something deeply painful.
"My name is Sam Strachan, I'm Mrs Beauchamp's registrar-" He stepped forward, introducing himself whilst simultaneously shielding Connie from the angry stare of this woman, Connie winced knowing he'd just made the whole situation worse. With Sam concealing her, she blurred everything out around herself, reaching her hand up and massaging her forehead briefly she tried to calmly breathe away this light-headed feeling before quickly stepping back into the firing line upon hearing raised voices. Unbeknownst to her, Joseph had been monitoring her behaviour.
"Oh right." She nodded, becoming extremely tearful much to Sam's confusion. "So you're the replacement?"
"I'm sorry?" He squinted as he began his apology, going to say her name but realised he hadn't even caught her name from Joseph, who was completely useless in a hostile confrontation and was now stood silently on the other side of Connie.
"Susan, it's fine." Connie stated, holding her arm in front of Sam, wordlessly asking him to back down. "I'll treat your son-"
"Will's son." She spat emotionally causing Sam to blink slowly with realisation. This was Will Curtis' wife and child, the dead registrar he'd replaced. "He's been having panic attacks and asthma attacks ever since we lost him." Her lip quivered as she grabbed her child's hand, attempting to hold back the tears for her sake. Connie's chest was in turmoil, she felt like her airways were compromised, like she couldn't breathe. She could hear her heart beating in her ears before Sam's far away voice got louder and louder, snapping her back to the moment.
"Yes, Mr Strachan, sorry. I can take it from here. You can assist Mr Hope in theater, Joseph take over with Mr Langford please." They knew not to hang around and invite her to have to repeat herself. Instead they obeyed silently and went their separate ways. As soon as they were out of earshot she got into it. "I'll asses your d-"
"His name is Thomas." She interjected icily not even looking her way anymore, she fixed her gaze on her son rubbing his hand gently as he lay asleep in the bed. "This is all the aftermath of losing his Dad, it's broken his heart. Broken my heart." She was crying now, much to Connie's discomfort as she herself was fighting her own emotions, contemplating her own loss and feeling guilty for even experiencing grief when this fatherless child lay before her. She couldn't even look at them.
"I'll page Mr Hope, he's an excellent surgeon-" Susan's cold laugh choked through her tears, cutting Connie's fragile voice off quickly.
"I haven't requested you because I don't trust anyone else, I know you're good at what you do but I've requested you so that you can witness the damage you have caused to this family! This is all down to you and I want you to know the pain you've caused." Connie's mouth was completely dry, her head spinning quickly as she blinked, attempting to keep her tears from falling. SO far she was doing well.
"It's a conflict of interest, I can't, I'm sorry." Fighting a losing battle with her emotions, she turned quickly to leave, the tears rolling down her cheeks as she walked swiftly towards her office. Although she tried to travel there unseen, almost everyone turned to look at her as she moved through the wards. She didn't fully let go until she was in the security of her own office, the quiet protectiveness it offered allowed her to weep in peace. Her heart was physically in pain, to the point where she felt nauseated. Her moment of alone time was short-lived as Elliot came bursting through the door, closing it behind him to conceal her fragile state. She had her back to him, staring out of the window as she hurriedly tried to harness her outward sorrow.
"Connie." He began softly. "Mr Strachan alerted to me to Susan's visit-"
"It's fine." She sniffled, wiping at her eyes angrily. She was so tired of feeling like this, so tired of feeling tired, so tired of holding back her sadness when all she wanted to do was cry and cry and cry. She exhaled shakily, closing her eyes as she tilted her head back but as soon as she thought she'd got a hold of herself, Elliot placed a caring hand on her back and set her off again. What the hell was going on with her? In herself, she knew she was grieving but she'd never experienced this before. She couldn't function, she wasn't eating properly, she felt numb not only physically but mentally too. Elliot was deeply concerned, he'd never seen her like this before, he was honestly at a loss as to what to do. She remained where she was but faced away from him, embarrassed that he was witnessing this apparent breakdown she was having.
"Connie." He cooed, rubbing her back. Instead of overthinking the situation, he decided to treat her as though this was Martha, his daughter. Rubbing her back soothingly he remained silent for a couple of minutes, hurting with every one of her sharp intakes of air before speaking peacefully. "You can deny it all you want, I know there was something between you and Will, it wasn't obvious at the time but I can see how this is affecting you." He paused to think carefully about his next words, so far she hadn't interrupted him indicating that he was possibly right. In his heart he knew he was. "You're tired, you're not sleeping, you look exhausted. And don't think I haven't seen you crying when nobody's looking, because I have. Every day, Connie." She still wouldn't look at him. So far he'd hit every nail on the head.
"Mr Hope." Sam's voice came thundering through the office door as he whipped it open, patient file in hand as he read and walked at the same time. "We're getting Mrs Johnson prepped-" He looked up and ceased speaking immediately, seeing Elliot remove his hand from her back, he appeared slightly irked at the interruption. Connie had inched away as soon as she heard the door open, quickly forcing herself to get it together. Sam saw her body shudder though, one of those awful crying after shocks, he knew the one. "Sorry, I didn't realise-"
"It's fine, Mr Strachan." He huffed, giving him a stern look. "We best get to it then, come on." Forcing him backwards out of the room he did it in such a speed in order to spare Connie her dignity. Before Sam could even get a word in he found himself back in the corridor, closed out and stood face to face with Elliot.
"I'm taking over with Mrs Curtis and her son, you can assist Mrs Beauchamp in theatre with Mrs Johnson when she's ready." He looked Sam dead in the eye over his glasses as he spoke, carefully tucking his patient files under one arm.
"Is Con-Mrs Beauchamp okay?" Correcting himself promptly, he licked his lips hoping Elliot hadn't picked up on the first name use.
"Not that it's any of your business, Mr Strachan but yes, she's fine. Now go and get scrubbed up, Mrs Beauchamp will see you in theatre." He put his boss hat on and set the registrar to work before contemplating his next move. He honestly wasn't sure if Connie was fit to be at work, she didn't even seem as though she was on the planet. Sighing deeply, he removed his glasses and let them hang loosely around his neck on their chain. He took a moment to count to 3 in his head before re-entering their office, he was going to have to take a firm approach with her, as much as she was going to push against him he'd have to hold his ground for her sake. "Right, change of plan." His opening statement was strong, there were a couple of cracks in his voice but he wasn't off to a bad start. "You'll be performing Mrs Johnsons valve repair with Mr Strachan and I'm taking over with Susan Curtis and her son." He was speaking loud and fast, a look of panic on his face upon finishing but his body relaxed when she still hadn't uttered a word.
"Thank you." She breathed quietly. Standing up slowly she ignored his shocked face.
"Right, okay, good." Nodding with a tiny smile he caught her in the doorway, giving her arm a supportive squeeze. "Things will get better, Connie. I promise." She merely blinked tiredly at his warm offering of kind words causing his heart to drop sadly. He really couldn't do anything to ease her pain or sadness. It was a waiting game.
"I should go, it's getting late." He set his glass down on the washing machine. There was about thirty staff members crammed into Lisa's tiny flat, the team were celebrating Ric's 50th party and the speeches had just finished.
"It's eight o'clock." She smirked, reaching up to adjust his shirt collar. "Don't tell me you like to be in bed by ten, Mr Curtis." His breath caught in his throat, she'd pressed herself so close to him in order to fix his collar that his hands were fighting the urge to find their way to her waist. The dress she was wearing was driving him wild. It was peachy pink, silk, sleek, figure hugging and my did it accentuate her physical beauty. The back of it was completely open, her smooth skin on show and visible to all, which in all honesty was bothering him slightly.
"No, actually I like to say goodnight to the boys before they go to bed." He cleared his throat attempting to centre himself. They were in view of hospital staff and he was fully aware of that, he couldn't keep his urges in check though. He'd been feeling a type of way towards her for a while now. Admittedly, it took him a fair few weeks to get used to a female ordering him around, but having got past that he could feel himself gravitating towards her regardless of the fact that he was married and so was she. There had been plenty of hints thrown at him, or so he'd concluded and tonight was the final straw. This dress and her flirty behaviour had him caught, hook, line and sinker.
"And Mrs Curtis?" She enquired dangerously.
"Yes." He smiled, his eyes rolled over her facial features in the dimly lit room. The music was growing louder and the banter more rowdy, allowing him to feel less conscious of anyone paying attention to them. "She'll be waiting for me too." He ran his hand down her arm softly, removing her grip from his jacket as he finally pushed himself away from the kitchen counter. "I've gotta go, l'll see you tomorrow." Allowing the palm of his hand to drag along her front as he walked away, that was the only cue she needed. Watching him disappear through the hallway, she counted to ten as she glanced around the room, everyone was enjoying themselves and completely oblivious to their actions. Smiling to herself as she reached ten, she sauntered off in the direction he'd headed. Her dress clinging to her figure beautifully as she moved through the small flat hallways, craning her neck in the direction of each doorway until she found him. Coming to a standstill she leant seductively against the frame, a look of pure desire marking her face.
"Well." He started. "Close the door then." She wasn't normally the obedient type but she'd been lusting after this moment for long enough.
Entering the room slowly, she closed the door behind herself and remained with her back up against it. Her eyes dark with passion as he approached her hungrily, his wife and children removed from his mind completely. If there were any remaining afterthought there, they were wiped now as he locked lips with her. Finally tasting her as his palms felt at her sides, gripping her desperately. Her own hands had automatically moved to his face and neck, guiding him as their tongues were acquainted for the first time. He'd pushed himself so close to her that she was now pinned between his muscular body and the wooden door behind her, the music was still blaring beyond the bedroom walls but it sounded muffled to them.
There was a soft thud as she came into contact with the door, her breath hitched at the sensation causing her brows to furrow as he intensified the kiss. His hands had wandered from their initial resting place on her hips, smoothing around to her lower back and gliding upwards finally feeling her warm skin over the open backed dress. She'd almost mirrored his actions, slipping her hands down from his face to his waist as she let them sneak under his suit jacket. He felt so chiselled, so sculpted, even his back felt muscular. Reaching his lower back she bunched his shirt into her fists and tugged gently, pulling it out from his trousers. She wanted more physical contact, more warmth. Freeing his shirt from being tucked in she let her hands up inside, finally feeling his skin.
She moaned softly into their liplock which was growing in speed and urgency, her nails digging into his flesh as she pulled him even closer. She couldn't describe the need she had for this. She wanted him as close as possible, needed him as close as possible.
Their laboured breaths peaked in volume as somebody tried to open the door from the other side. They were immediately halted in continuing their passionate embrace, their lips detaching instantly with a synchronised gasp. Will swiftly moved his palm to the handle, securing it along with the weight of their bodies pushing up against the door.
"Hello?" Donna sang giddily on the other side of the frame, as the pair of them remained in close contact with baited breath. "Hello? Whoever's in there, I need my jacket." She waited for an answer but neither of them could muster a word. "Can you let me in please?" Connie shifted under the pressure he was placing on her body, causing him to become aware of how much he was crushing her. Silently and quickly her put his hand over her mouth and gently guided her into the corner so that when the door would open, she'd be concealed. She flashed him a devilish smile as he signalled for her to be quiet. He had more at stake than she did. A wife, a family. His children. Readying himself, he opened the door quickly.
Their time in theatre was quiet and fairly awkward to say the least. She didn't like that he'd seen her in such a vulnerable state and he felt like he'd done something wrong, when in fact he'd done absolutely nothing wrong. Thankfully, the procedure wasn't too major and they were finished in good time. For once he decided to try and obey Mr Hope. He was leaving her well alone, she was making it quite obvious that she didn't wish to have anyone harassing her today and so he kept his distance. Of course it wouldn't be a hospital if there didn't happen to be the odd major hiccup at least once a day. Elliot had rushed off to theatre again with Joseph, they were operating on Thomas Curtis, leaving Susan to wait worriedly. She started off outside the theatre room but being almost eight months pregnant, Sam was able to convince her to wait in the private room they'd managed to find for the young boy. Helping her to sit down, he offered her a sympathetic smile but it was greeted with a tearful eye-roll.
"That's all I need." She sniffled, her left hand massaging her bump soothingly.
"What's that?"
"Another sympathetic stare, I can't cope with it. Everywhere I go, everyone I see knows and they give me that same look." Wiping at her tears quickly she turned to look at him, her face looked broken. He'd seen the same look before, on Connie.
"He'll live on through his children." Sam smiled, her face was slightly puzzled as she hadn't informed him of her situation but she soon realised it must have been the talk of the hospital. "I lost my dad when I was younger too, that thought always kind of comforted me. Knowing that a part of him was with me always. It might not be visible to everyone, but in my mannerisms or quirks he shines through in me, I can feel it." He folded his lips together, finally feeling like he'd achieved something when she smiled emotionally, her right hand now resting on her bump too. "Is it a boy or a girl?" Changing the subject to a happier one he tried to distract her as best as possible.
"Will wanted a girl, he was desperate for this one to be his daughter. After two boys he wanted a little girl to dote on and protect." Her face almost beamed with just the thought of him. "I haven't found out yet, I don't think I want to." Her brow furrowed as she thought deeply. "We were supposed to be keeping it a surprise, we had a bet on." She laughed genuinely. "Will bet fifty quid it'll be a girl."
"And you think it's a boy?" He smiled.
"I just have a feeling, you know." Her demeanour changed rapidly, sadness washing over her again. "I just wish he was here, Thomas and Ben will at least have memories of him but this little one, whether it's a boy or girl, won't have the foggiest." Her body stiffened as Connie entered the room quietly, just in time to catch the last of Sam's sentence to the grief-stricken woman.
"Then you keep him alive, show her photographs, videos." He shrugged. "Don't let his memory fade, as much as it might hurt you'll at least keep him alive in their memories."
"You think it's a girl too?" She smiled through her tears as Connie glanced down at the ground, feeling extremely uncomfortable under Sam's gaze. For the most of his soft spoken sentence he was staring right at her before switching his focus back to Susan as she looked up at him. He knew.
"I'll confidently put another fifty quid on top of Will's." He smiled warmly, inviting Connie to clench her jaw before blinking back the tears. "Sorry, Mrs Beauchamp did you need me?"
"No." It was a slightly whispered response. Clearing her throat she continued on at a more audible and confident level. "Mr Hope has just paged me." Susan stood up immediately, the panic evident on her face forcing Connie to finish up quickly to avoid stressing the woman. "Everything went smoothly, Thomas is just coming out of theatre now, okay? He's doing really well."
"Oh thank God!" She collapsed back into the chair, one hand on her bump and the other clasped over her mouth as Sam and Connie exchanged a look before their attention was pulled back to her.
"Susan?" Asking cautiously, Connie frowned indicating her worry to Sam. Moving closer to the gasping woman she was met with an upheld hand.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." She panted. "It's just a twinge." Gasping to get her breath back, Connie flicked Sam a look before speaking again.
"Alright, twinge or no twinge I think we should check you over just to be sure-"
"I'm fine!" Becoming aggravated, she made it perfectly clear she wanted Connie nowhere near her, forcing Sam to give it a try.
"Susan, there's no harm in giving you a check over, is there?" There was no response prompting him to look to Connie for instruction. She raised her brows and nodded back in Susan's direction, silently telling him to persevere. "Does that sound like a good idea? She's probably fine but wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry?" His last question seemed to sway her decision, she gave him a small nod and agreed.
Sam proceeded with the ultrasound whilst Connie assisted Joseph in doing a post-op check on Thomas. Elliot had been catapulted back off to theatre again, leaving Connie to babysit the registrars. As much as she wanted to escape the room she had a duty to perform and a job to do so she sucked it up and knuckled down. She couldn't help but eavesdrop on Sam and Susan's conversation as they were all occupying the same room, they'd just added in an extra bed for Thomas.
"See, I told you I was fine." She smiled, feeling calmer upon hearing her baby was okay and it's heartbeat reassured her of this. "But you were right, better to be safe than sorry. Thank you."
"Happy to help." Smiling back at her he pulled the monitor head away from her abdomen and allowed her to wipe the gel off with the paper towels provided. Turning the monitor off he locked eyes with her. "Still insistent on not knowing the sex?"
"I think I've left it long enough now." She sighed with a slightly positive head nod. "I need to know if I'm going to have to buy all new girls clothes or what." Letting a shaky breath out, she looked to Sam with wonder. "Go on, hit me with it."
"Well, let's just say Will and I owe you a hundred quid between us." He laughed heartily. "And to clarify, yes, it's another boy."
"See, a woman knows these things. You can pay up in instalments if it's easier." She laughed quietly before turning serious, grabbing his hand softly. "Thank you, for everything." Their sweet exchange masked Connie's speedy exit, she couldn't breathe in there, her heart was beating what felt like two hundred times a minute. Her mind literally spinning as she made a bee-line for her office. The bout of nausea that hit her wasn't an unfamiliar one, Elliot was right, she was making herself ill but she couldn't stop it. She just wanted to numb it all.
"You were close to him, weren't you?" His fatigued voice shattered the silence. It was three o'clock in the morning and her quest to numb the agony in her life had led her to not so familiar territory. The hospital bar. Where, not so surprisingly, she'd bumped into Sam after their shift. He knew something was up with her, she'd been acting odd all day at work not to mention the weirdness between herself and Mrs Curtis. He invited himself to sit with her despite the physical and verbal warnings to leave her alone. Once she realised he wouldn't leave her the drinks kept rolling in and now here they were, laying in his bed at three in the morning. He turned to look her way in the dark, pointlessly as he was hardly able to see her.
"Please, don't." Her voice was low, it was almost animalistic in the way she used it to warn him the same way a lioness would warn a lion of it's boundaries even within a pride.
"Or maybe you were in love with him?" His words were soft and cautious but he just had to push it too far every time, forever ignoring her clear warnings. She threw the covers back roughly, causing him to sigh with regret. "Connie, wait." He huffed. "Don't go, it's late."
"I'll get a taxi." Collecting her clothes that were scattered across his bedroom floor she put each one back on as she found it until it was only her heels to retrieve. One by the door and one flung up on to his chest of drawers as they'd been in such a rush to have sex, he attire was all over the place. He didn't say another word, he knew there was no stopping her now and talking more would only further piss her off and that was the last thing he wanted at this hour.
The sex and alcohol were good for numbing the pain but upon sobering up a fraction, the cool air outside hit her like a train. She could feel again and the pain was tenfold. Sam's speech to Susan of keeping Will alive had etched into her mind with strength. She had only feelings to remember, nights of passion they shared and the connection they had. No photos, no visible memories. The only physical thing in her possession was his on call fleece, that she'd kept from his locker along with the letter for Susan. There was no need for her have that or know of their affair now, it'd only cause more pain and suffering and for what? He was gone and they couldn't be together as he'd apparently planned. As for the fleece, she figured it wouldn't be missed and she slept in it every single night just to feel close to him, to smell him.
That's all she had.