Prentiss

I woke to the plain white room, the recurring beep of the heart monitor and the low volume of the TV were the only things telling me I wasn't dead. I wish I was dead. I don't know how long I was out but when I was, it was like I dreamt the whole past week again. It was terrible and every time I relived those mornings and nights when they took my dignity from me, leaving me with none, I felt like a part of me actually died.

I moved my head, stretching my neck slightly. Judging by the pain and discomfort of it, I assumed I had been in that same position for quite a while. It was a struggle to open my eyes, but once I blinked them open, they adjusted quickly and I was able to see everything clearly. There were several different bunches of flowers and I knew the majority were from Garcia, maybe one from JJ. I didn't know anyone else.

"Oh, you're awake!" A nurse said enthusiastically. "I know you're probably not fond of people you don't know right now so do you want me to tell your family you're awake and bring them to you?" I nodded and she smiled before walking out.

After a few minutes, Hotch and Rossi walked in. I don't know why, but fear spread through me when I saw them. I calmed it down the best I could. They were my boss and the closest thing I had to a father. They were my close friends. Why did this scare me? It didn't last week.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Hotch asked. I don't know why but everything inside of me was screaming and stopping me from speaking. I didn't reply and he looked rather suspicious because of that.

"Maybe we should have sent JJ in first, calm her down, let her wrap her head around what happened." Rossi said to him quietly. He approached the side of the bed and I instinctively flinched away, regretting my movement immediately. I wanted to apologise and tell him I wasn't scared of him but I just couldn't do it. He looked at Hotch and he nodded. Rossi looked back down at me, "We love you, Em." They both walked out.

JJ came in after 30 seconds, looking eager to see me. She walked straight to my side and I didn't flinch. She had tears on her cheeks and filling her eyes. She put her arms around me and kissed my cheek, "My god, we were all so worried. I had no idea what to do while you were nowhere to be found but then we saw you on the screen and it was just so hard to watch and then he was holding the knife to your throat and then you passed out and slipped into a coma and I've been worried sick." I don't think she took a breath the whole time.

"A coma?" I asked quietly, my voice husky and low, like it wouldn't get any louder. It hurt a lot to speak, too.

She nodded, "Yeah, but try not to speak. They damaged your trachea when they choked you, not extremely bad, but you shouldn't be talking yet. Your wrist is fractured and your jaw was slightly misplaced but they fixed that already. The burns weren't serious and they're almost cleared already. There was something else but you don't need to worry about it now."

I went to speak but she held her finger up, "Don't. I'll get a pen and piece of paper." She disappeared out the door but came back within minutes. She gave them to me.

'How long was I out?' "3 days." She answered easily.

'What is it that I don't need to worry about?' "Just, please don't make us tell you yet? You're going to be fine, you're healing great, but we just don't want to mention it yet."

I dropped the pen and nodded. It was the least I could do for them.

"So the team really wants to see you. Garcia has been crying for a week straight, Reid cried again today, Morgan is just full of anger and sorrow and guilt, Hotch and Rossi have no idea what to do. They don't know how to handle us and you obviously can't be on the team for a while but they're worried about what you'll do when you're not. They think you're not going to talk to them, Morgan or Reid for a while or even let them near you."

"I'm sorry." I croaked out.

She shook her head, "None of this is your fault, but don't speak! Hotch and Rossi are right, aren't they?"

I picked up the pen. 'I flinched from Rossi'. She read it and gave me a sympathetic look. I pressed the pen back to the paper. 'I don't want any pity'.

She nodded and apologised. "Do you want to see them?"

'Do they want to see me?' She smiled, "Of course they do. I'll go get them." She brushed my hair behind my ear and walked out quickly.

I flipped the page over and wrote a big "I'm so sorry" with a large love heart beside it and underlined it twice. JJ walked in, followed by the others and I held it up in front of my face.

She walked over and took it out of me hand gently as not to startle me. "No."

"Why could I talk properly the other day and not now?" I asked.

"You voice was worse the other day over the phone." Garcia said, "Didn't you notice? The nurse said it would have caused you a lot of pain." She walked over quickly and hugged me gently.

"I was more focused on the other pain." I said quietly.

They all looked at JJ. "Did you tell her?" Reid asked. I felt safer with JJ and Garcia by me.

JJ shook her head, "I left that out."

"Isn't immediate family only supposed to get the information?" I asked.

"I'm your emergency contact…and your mother couldn't get here." Hotch said, "So they told me."

"My mother couldn't get here or mother didn't want to be here?"

"…The second option…" Rossi said honestly.

"I assumed so." I nodded and my hand brushed over my throat.

"Okay, stop talking." She gave the paper back and laid it underneath the pen on my lap.

"Agent Hotchner? We've got results back from the scan and its confirmed." The nurse said from the door. She apologised for interrupting and left again.

"What's confirmed?" I asked him. He hesitated and looked at JJ then Rossi, "Tell me before I get up and find out myself."

He sighed and looked down, "Can you wait a while? At least until you can speak without pain? Because trust me, you will wish you waited if I tell you now."

I rolled my eyes, "Fine."

I looked at Morgan. His is the only voice I hadn't heard yet. I knew he was thinking about the last time he lost me as soon as his eyes met mine. He was standing back from the others and looking down.

"Oh, I forgot to mention the ambulance and then before they declared it a coma…" JJ said quietly.

"Do you want us to go?" Reid asked.

"It's not as personal as the other thing." JJ shook her head, "Uh...Em? You flatlined twice. You died. Twice. The first time was 12 minutes and the second was 27."

"Why couldn't I have stayed dead?" I mumbled and dropped my head to the side.

"Prentiss." Hotch said sternly in a scolding manner.

I glanced at him and shook my head. I was exhausted and sore.

After 5 very long days, I was allowed to go home. I wasn't to return to work or do anything physical. I was on bed or desk rest, but only a desk at home. I wasn't supposed to go to the precinct at all, but I'd fix that.

I still wasn't told the thing that they were all so inclined to keep from me. JJ drove me home, sat on my bed and talked like nothing was wrong to not upset me while I packed my things and we went to her house.

I was planning on staying at my apartment or a hotel but she insisted I stay with her. I lost count of the times I cried in the hospital. I had an anxiety attack when a male doctor came near me while the whole team was present, scaring Morgan, Reid, Rossi and Hotch too much for them to even come in the room afterwards. The overwhelming guilt made me feel sick every time I thought about the pain I had caused them.

It was the first day after leaving hospital now. Last night was my first night at JJ's where I got no sleep at all and cried for the majority of the night. Will was taking Henry to school. He was in kindergarten now. I assumed JJ told Will that I reacted very badly to the male species at the moment so he made sure he was always in a different room and didn't seem to mind having to change what he was doing if I came into the room. I was so grateful and I would thank him a million times when I was able to speak or stay calm around him again.

Henry was okay; he didn't scare me. He hugged me ever so gently when he saw me and returned to playing with his toys.

JJ had sat with me for a while before she needed to go to work. She offered to stay with me all day but I assured her that I'd be fine. She made sure to lock all the doors as to keep me feeling as safe as possible and squeezed my shoulder comfortingly before leaving. "You call me for anything, okay? I'll come right back. You are my priority right now."

"Thanks Jayje." I said quietly, but voice still very croaky.

She left and I read the newspaper on the table, seeing what had happened while I was out of the world and I resorted to reading one of the many books on one of their bookshelves.

Will came home after a while and tried to walk through the kitchen undetected by me, "Hey Will?" He stopped and looked at me hesitantly, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to come in and intrude on your life." I couldn't look at him without freaking out so I kept my eyes on the page of words.

"No Emily, it's fine. Take as long as you need to recover. Your team will be waitin'."

I nodded and heard him leave. I missed being able to have a conversation with him and I missed my team. I wanted to see all six of them and be solving cases with them and be as comfortable with them as I was last month, but I didn't know if it would ever be like that again.

I returned to my book and answered JJ's half hourly texts to see if I was okay or if I needed anything. Hours passed. and Will had already left for work.

"Hey JJ." I picked up her call.

"Are you okay?" She asked, her voice anxious. I was on speaker. I could hear background noises.

"I'm fine."

"You didn't answer the last three of my texts, Will isn't there to keep an eye on you and I'm freaking out."

"JJ—"

"I'm coming home."

"No."

"I'll be there soon. Hotch already approved me to work from home until a case arises."

I sighed but I didn't argue like I wanted. I didn't want to keep talking, I just wanted to continue sitting in complete silence, staring at the roof and replaying the past week over and over in my head. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't let it go. Granted, it was only very recent.

JJ returned home before long and she made me food which I had to force down. I wasn't hungry and I didn't want to eat but I didn't eat at the hospital and she threatened to call Hotch if I didn't here.

"Movies?" She asked me.

"Sure." I said in a tired voice.

"We can watch them in your room. I can't imagine how tired you must be.

"Can you tell me what everyone wouldn't in the hospital now?" I asked as we walked down the hall.

"Later. You need your rest."