Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)
Episode 3: South Park, We Hardly Knew Ye
Chapter 4: Whose Leg Do Ya Have To Hump To Get Some Peace?
Disclaimer: South Park and Family Guy do not belong to me. They belong to Matt Stone & Trey Parker and Seth MacFarlane respectively.
TV-PG-DLV
The sun had gone down, and it was time for bed for everyone. Stan and his family had gone home, and the Griffins had gone back to their temporary home for bed, leaving Kyle and Ike to get ready themselves. But...even though it was bedtime in his heart, in Peter's head, it was nowhere near that time.
So, when everyone was asleep, including Brian, Peter snuck out of the house, taking with him a few of the beers in the fridge. He made his way, in a very dumb "Mission: Impossible" like-way, of course, across the street and met up with Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire.
"Glad you could make it Peter." Joe said calmly as Peter handed each of them a beer.
"Man, this is gonna be so awesome! I haven't been this excited to have fun in a new town since that time I was in New Orleans."
"Oh yeah, I remember that day. You got sucked into that Hurricane Katrina didn't you?"
"Don't bring it up, Joe. It's painful enough from the scar on my foot, don't make it painful in my penis, too!"
"Sorry."
So the four friends took a sip of their beer can, and then started grabbing some stuff lying around in the street, such as wood, hammers, nails, screw-drivers, pornography magazines...uh, actually, that last one was just for Quagmire.
Anyway, the four friends started to build some sort of ramp...actually, two ramps that went as high as 150 feet in the air. They used all of the tools that they had with them to build these giant ramps.
The resulting noise coming from the tools being used caused a little sleeping Kyle Broflovski to awaken with a jolt. He was frightened by the noises, and believed it to be some sort of intruder. The little Jewish boy rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and walked over carefully to the window to see what the commotion was. He opened up the window and watched carefully at what they were doing, and tried to figure out what exactly that was.
Meanwhile, down on the ground...
"Oh man, this is gonna be so fun!" Peter said as he was getting set up on the other side of the street with rollerblades on. "I haven't had this much fun since that time I was at that carnival!"
(Cue Cutaway)
We cutaway to Peter Griffin at the Quahog Carnival, as he is playing the "Test Your Strength" game, where you have to hit with a big hammer and ring the bell. Peter was determined to win a prize with this first hit, but when he pulled back and then swung down hard, he accidentally crushed both of his big toes.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, OH MY GOOODD! AAAAH! OOOOWWWW!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, and he fell to the ground to clutch his toes, only to have the hammer hit him on the head and them have him fall unconscious.
(End Cutaway)
"Eh, too bad I didn't wake up until after the sodomy. Hey, you guys ready down there!?" He yelled down the street towards Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire. Joe gave him a thumbs up, which was the signla to Peter that it was A-OK to go. So Peter started blading rapidly down the road towards the ramps. He gradually gained speed and once he reached the ramps, he was expecting to jump off. But, the problem was that the ramps were built too far apart from each other for Peter's leg span. So...
Instead of jumping off, Peter's legs became lodged on top of each ramp, leaving him in kind of like a split position. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed after he hit the ramps. "F#CK! SH#T! G#DDAMMIT! SON OF A BITCH! DAMN, F#CK, F#CKING SH#T! BARBRA STREISAN! AAAHAHHHH!" He kept screaming. He was obviously in a lot of pain, but he did not hold back on his cries. In fact, they were so loud, they woke up everyone in the neighborhood, and that included Kyle, Kenny, Stan, and Cartman. The four boys each ran to their respective windows and wanted to see what the commotion was.
What Peter failed to realize was that he and his friends had built the ramp in front of Kyle's house, so Kyle was able to see clearly what he was doing. He was mortified at whathe was seeing, and almost let out a scream, but Peter did that for him. Peter saw Kyle standing at his window, looking disoriented.
"Hey Kyle!" He shouted to Kyle. "Hey buddy, how are you?"
"Tired!" Kyle shouted back, pretty irritated now. "It's 11:00 pm! What the hell are you doing!?"
"Oh, well see, my friends and I built these ramps so that I could jump off of them and do some freestyle tricks like those skating freaks on TV, but we accidentally built the ramps too far apart and...uh, now we're here. My thighs are killing me. I think the skin is stretching. Kid, call for help!"
"No way! It's not my problem! I'm not the one that decided to be an idiot in the dead of night! Besides, I'm 9, what the hell am I supposed to do!?"
"I don't know! Uh...why don't you take your clothes off, shake your ass around for a while, and let me take pictures of it."
"PETER, THAT'S SICK!" Joe yelled.
"What!?"
"That's child pornography! It's sick and it'll land you in prision!"
"Oh come on! When have I ever landed in prison!?"
(Cue Cutaway)
We cutaway to Peter Griffin sitting a prison cell in the Quahog maximum security facility. He is sitting in a prison cell while an officer is with him on the outside of the cell.
"So uh, officer..." Peter asked the officer. "What exactly am I in here for again?"
"Sir, you posted pictures of a naked girl's behind on the internet and then publicly raped her." The officer firmly said, obviously very upset at this. And who wouldn't be, if that same girl was your daughter in law?
"And that's a bad thing?"
(End Cutaway)
The ramps were cleared down and Peter was helped to the ground, and so witht that out o f the way, Kyle, Stna, Kenny, and Cartman all went back to sleep...only to be awakened by the sound of construction noises only hours later. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were busy with construction tools, trying to fix up Peter's broken car.
This time, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman ran outside to stop the noise themselves. "What the hell is going on this time!?" Kyle growled, irritable.
"This is my car. It broke down so we're trying to fix it, smarty." Peter remarked sarcastically.
"Dude, it's 2 in the morning, and that thing is a piece of crap!" Kyle shouted, now more irritable than ever. Peter did not seem moved, though.
"Thank you. This was my stepfather's. He died of internal injuries. How do you feel now?"
"Whatever! I don't really care! I'm tired, and I wanna sleep! Jeez, you guys are more annoying than those people who've just moved into their new apartment!
(Cue Cutaway)
We cutaway to a nice, fancy apartment, and a new, African family has just moved into the home. The family consists of a husband and wife, and two children, a boy, 7, and a girl, 4.
"Wow, this is a lovely place." The wife said as she placed their suitcases down.
"Yeah, it's so clean, and vibrant, an--OOH, STEREO!" The husband saw a stereo set and turned it on to maximum volume, and as if they were high, the entire family started dancing around like idiots to "Beast and the Harlot". For a half hour, they danced like that, howling like wolves, until finally, Peter Griffin barged into the door, and shot all four of them to death with a shotgun.
(End Cutaway)
"Just keep it down, we're trying to sleep!" The four boys stormed back to their own houses and into their own beds to try and get some sleep. Meanwhile, Quagmire was dwelling on a lingering thought.
"Hey wait a sec, Peter." He finally said to the fat guy. "Didn't you cause your father's internal injuries that killed him?"
"And your point is?"
Quagmire was so confused and angry at the same time that his emotions led him to pull out a pistol and shoot Peter, knocking him unconscious.
Once again, everything was cleared down and peace returned to the neighborhood. It was now 6:00 in the morning, and the boys were once again trying to get some sleep. Unfortunately, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe had different plans. They gathered right outside Kyle's house, and brought with them a high school band.
"OH boy, this is gonna be fun!" Peter whispered.
"We're gonna get in so much trouble!"
"I know, Quagmire, but it's worth it!"
Peter pointed to the conductor, cueing him to start the band, as they played to the tune "Good Morning".
All: Good Morning, Good Morning!
Cleveland: It's great to stay up late!
All: Good Morning, Good Morning, to you.
While the four were singing and the band was playing, a very bitter and irritable Kyle opened his window to see what the noise was. Every time he saw Peter as his doorstep, he seemed to grow angrier, but not at him directly, but as his action (and Frankly, I don't blame him)
Peter: When the band starts to play, the stars were shining bright.
Quagmire: But now, the milkman's on his way, it's too late to say goodnight.
Joe: (Screaming) SO SAY GOOD MORNING!
Quagmire: Ahh, good morning! (Whimpering) Sunflowers soon shall bloom!
All: Good morning, good morning, to y-
"What the hell are you doing now!?" Kyle shouted, interrupting their song. He was angry and not wanting to take any nonsense from them. He ran back outside once again, practically fed up.
"We're wishing you a happy morning, silly." Joe said in a kind of baby talk.
"And an even more happy New Zealand independence day!!" Peter shouted idiotically, causing everyone to stare.
"What?"
"Does New Zealand even celebrate independence day?" Quagmire asked.
"What's New Zealand?" Cleveland asked.
"Oh don't tell me you guys have never heard of New Zealand Independence Day, where they celebrate the death of all those people in those bombings back in '95."
"Peter, you're thinking of the Oklahoma City Bombings. They were in Oklahoma." Joe pointed out, flatly.
"Really? Well, this is news to me."
"Peter, remind me again why we agreed to do this." Cleveland asked. "I mean, it's not like we're making money or nothing."
"Who cares about money? I don't. See?" Peter took out a hundred dollar bill that appeared to have been drawn on front and back. "See? On the front I drew a mustache for Ben Franklin. But on the back, I drew a picture of Barney the Dinosaur having sex with the Iron Giant." Everyone stared at the piece of paper, Kyle being very disgusted with what he saw.
"Peter, you're so f#cking stupid it's unbelievable." Joe said, again flatly.
"Well excuse me for having an imagination!"
"Your imagination is what caused 9/11!"
"Oh really, where's your f#cking proof!?" And all of a sudden, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe got into an argument about which of them started September 11th. It was horrifying, and a couple of times throughout the argument, the C-word, the N-word, and the words "Michael Phelps" came up. Finally, Kyle had had enough.
"SHUT UP!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, straining his voice in the process. "All you've done tonight is harass me and make my life miserable!" He was now talking in a hoarse voice. "I'm tired, cranky, and I think my little brother has post-traumatic stress disorder!"
"That's not true. STewie's as happy as he can be."
"Not that dip-sh#t, you asshole! I'm talking about Ike! My Canadian adopted brother!"
"Oh my god!" Peter screamed upon hearing that Kyle had yet another brother...though that wasn't exactly what he was screaming about. "I coulda had a V8!" He slapped himself hard in the face, and fell to the ground unconscious. Kyle, now completely fed up, threw his arms into the air and went back inside his own home. Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland, also did the same. ("Remind me again why we hang out with him." Quagmire says to Joe, with Joe responsing "Free Booze".)
Peter regained consciousness a few minutes later, and then stood up, saw everyone was gone, and decided to head home. But, out of the thickness of Kyle's house's walls, he swore that he heard the musical stylings of "KISS".
"What the hell is that?" He asked himself as he heard the music of "Strutter" begin to play. He ran over to Kyle's house and barged right in to see Kyle on the couch, playing his "Guitar Hero II" video game. It was on Expert level, and Kyle was doing quite well. "What the hell are you doing?" Peter asked Kyle as he paid his attention to the game.
"Playing "Guitar Hero"."
"Why?"
"Well, it's too late to go to sleep now, as I'll have to get up anyway in about an hour."
"Why? It's summertime. The time of the yar where us fat people drink to blivion and those whores have sex with snow."
"Because I'm Jewish, and my family doesn't believe in 'sleeping in' unless I'm sick, because it'll 'rot your brain'."
"Wow, I can't wait to meet the slut in your family who came up with that one."
"My mom came up with that one."
Peter paused for a moment, pondering on that thought. "Like I said, she's a slut. And this game is f#cking retarded."
"How do you know, fatass!?" Kyle grumpily shouted to Peter. "You know when this game first came out, Stan and I got signed onto tons of contracts and made tons of money for just scoring big points on this game."
"Really?"
"Yeah. One time we actually made $6,000 for one show on this game."
"$6,000?" Kyle nodded to this. For a moment, Peter stood there, probably contemplating a new thought. Then, after a moment, his face lit up, and so did his head. "ESO ES! THAT'S IT!" He shouted as light beams rippled from his head, traveling out from the home and apparently towards Cleveland's house.
The entire front of Cleveland's house was destroyed when the beams hit, and when they did, the debree from his house fell. He was in the bathtub when this happened, and the resulting shockwave caused the debree that was holding up the floorboard to crumble.
The floorboard slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, NO!" Cleveland yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. He sat there in a daze, naked and on the bare ground. "Wha' happened?" He said as he slowly lost consciousness.
Meanwhile, back at Kyle's house...
"I love you, you son of a bitch!" Peter shouted gleefully as he picked up Kyle and started kissing him all over. Kyle, once again, was mortified. "Oh I knew I raised you for a reason, you braniac!"
"But, you didn't raise me. In fact, until today, you haven't been in my life at all!" Kyle tried to fight back.
"Nonsense! I've always been in your life! Inside, at least."
"What the hell does that even mean?"
"Now hang on there, you be nice to me!" Peter roared back as he put Kyle down. "Now I may not be the perfect father, but dammit, I'm a father! And you have to respect your father, otherwise God'll get you. God will get you with the Codak disk. OH God is gonna get with the Codak disk." Peter sang in a sing-song tone before he pulled down Kyle's pants, and took a picture of Kyle's bare bum before he put his camera away, and you know what the worst part was...both of Kyle's parents were standing in the room, having witnessed this awful thing that Peter had done. Peter immediately saw his parents standing there...and had no way of defending himself. "Um...uh, I blame the Danish for this."
At noon that very same day, Peter had gathered Cleveland, Quagmire, and Joe together for a meeting (A meeting that was supposed to be held at Peter's house, but he instead accidentally sent them to Stan's house while he was out playing with Kenny, Cartman, Stewie, and Kyle).
"Thank you guys for coming in at such short notice." Peter said to the three friends.
"Peter, dammit, why'd you do this? I'm missing Boy Meets World." Quagmire complained.
"Trust me, Quagmire, after this, you won't even remember then named "Meet." Now, it occured to me last night thanks to the imagination of a little 9 year old Jew that the only way you can make money is by playing music. So, I have a plan to make us a fortune! We're gonna get our old band back together, 'Fat, Horny, Black n' Joe'!"
All three friends started murmuring amonst themselves.
"That's right! Dudes, we're getting the old band back together!"
"But how?" Joe questioned. "We don't even have instruments."
"Don't worry, I thought of that." Peter reached over to his side and pulled out two "Guitar Hero" game controllers. NO one seemed more confused than Quagmire.
"Peter, those are 'Guitar Hero' controllers."
"I know. See, the thing sis, we're gonna make money the cheapest way that video games made possible: we'regonna fake it! We're gonna set up these controllers and the games in the park, and we're gonna pick a song, and...and j-ust play it! You know, just play it! I spend a thousand bucks just for the game controllers, including the drum set a microphone. By the way," Peter tossed Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland their credit cards. "You guys are maxed out."
"Swell."
"Peter, this is never gonna work." Cleveland said.
"Sure it is. Didn't you guys tell me the other day you were all on Expert Level in 'Guitar Hero'."
"NO, I said, 'I'm an Expert at the Guitar; I'm like a hero at the police station'." Joe correected, leaving Peter speechless.
"Oh. Well, I'm sure this won't be a problem. I hacked all of the Guitar Hero CDs and programmed the songs into 'Guitar Hero World Tour'. That's like, 400 songs to choose from."
"But Peter, none of us are good at 'Guitar Hero'." Cleveland said.
"Don't worry, it's a sinch. We'll start on 'Easy', and gradually work our way up. Look, if two fourth-grade queers can make money by scoring 100,000 points on this game, who's to say we can't make even more by scoring 200,000 points, or even more!?" As Peter finished asking the question, the front door opened, and there stood a groggy and probably intoxicated Stan. "Um...what the hell are you doing here?" Peter asked, still not being aware that this was actually Stan's house.
"Well I came home to get my basetball so me and my friends could play basketball. What the hell are you guys doing here?" Stan asked in a very perstigious way.
"Beat it kid, we're in the middle of a meeting." Cleveland barked, hoping he was doing what Peter would've done.
"Cleveland, that was dumb of you. Everyone knows that blackies and whities should not fight each other, for it does not make sense, and it only leads to molestation and rape."
"What the hell does that even mean?"
"Does it have to make sense?"
"Yes, otherwise you sound like a tool."
"Whatever, dude, I'm going upstairs." Stan huffed as he went past the four idiots and went upstairs, leaving Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland to talk amongst themselves.
"Hey guys, check this out." Peter said as he took out the Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock CD, and set it up in the PS2. He scrolled down the song list and picked the one that said "Do Not Try This Song". "You're gonna love this. It's hillarious."
The game level set itself up, and the song started playing itself. The first part of it was easy, in fact it was even labeled "Easy Part" on the top.
"Huh. This doesn't seem so bad." Joe said while Peter was playing.
"OH wait,, this is Guitar Hero?" Quagmire asked, shocked. "Oh god, I was thinking of the wrong game."
"You know, it's not as hard as it seems, but once this song gets into the harder part, then it becomes annoying."
"What do you mean by 'hard part'?"
"Well, that." Joe pointed out flatly, as he pointed to the TV screen. The notes on-screen were coming in much faster now and it was harder for Peter to hit them all. Peter was strumming like he has never strummed before, and he was hitting those fret buttons like they were his wife during sex.
"Oh my god!" Cleveland exclaimed.
"You can't possibly hit those!" Quagmire shouted. "And yet it's 'Still Easy'. W-What the-"
"Yeah, I know that." By now, Peter had reached the first 'Rest' part of the song, which was the easiest part to play. But this only lasted for seconds as it got into 'Medium', which was even harder, and now Peter was barely hitting anything. THen came 'A Little Hard', another 'Rest', 'Give up Here', and finally Peter reached 'Warning! Turn Off Game!', where the notes were just insane, and everybody was screaming at the top of their lungs, and Peter was going crazy. He was screaming the loudest, and finally, he just snapped, took the guitar, and smashed the crap out of the TV, and then even started throwing dynamite at it, which caused it along with half of Stan's house to be destroyed. Distraught, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe slowly snuck out of the house and ran away.
End of Chapter 4!
The Guitar Hero 'Impossible Song" thing was a reference to a video I saw on Youtube about a song on Guitar Hero 3 that was totally impossible to do. It was literally called "Do Not Try This Song" and it was hillarious. Look it up.
Next Time: Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe get their band back together. But will Peter's plan really work? Plus, the boys try to deal with Peter's insanity, and it seems to be getting to Kyle rather quickly. (Don't Worry, I'll get to Chris's side plot soon, but you'll just have to be patient)
Expected Update: May 20th.
A/N: Guess what? Swine Flu hit my schools, so I'm off for an entire week! So now I can update even faster!
Next Update: Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park -- May 20th.