Hello everyone! It's been really great to hear from some of you, you've been very encouraging!
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4: Ramenlessness is the True Secret to Failure
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"So basically, there's this test which is at the end of the school year, and you want to pass it? That's your wish?" Man, either this kid is a new level of desperate when it comes to escaping school or he thinks there's nothing better to use a wish on. That's just sad.
Though, when she gave it some hard thought, it was actually pretty clever. He'd proved that book smarts wasn't his strength, but by using a wish for this, it got around his deficiencies. It even springboarded him into the start of his desired career, for which he'd need to prove himself with actions. It was less about what was most correct and more about what was the most effective after paper exams. Real life was a multitude of 'more difficult'.
"Yeah!" Naruto was doing something with hot water in the kitchen, having gotten bored of her complex questions pretty fast - clearly he hadn't read the book.
Not that it would do the kid much good. It had missing pages and scribbles over most of it, and about 30 pages had been ruined by a spilled bottle of ink. Whoever had owned the thing before the whiskered boy clearly had it out for knowledge and self-learning, because that history book was good for neither.
He placed a cardboard cup on the bench, steaming with heat, and watched it like he was dying and the cup was the only cure.
She ignored his weirdness like he'd been doing for hers. There was an odd kind of companionship in that, and Laurel spared a brief moment to be thankful that this was the person who had laid claim to her lamp, rather than some asshole. He was a genuine sweetheart, from what she'd gathered in between history questions. "And is there a reason why you can't pass it without 'genie' magic?"
Naruto got really fired up, puffing his cheeks out like an angry squirrel. "The stupid teachers want me to fail, and they're boring and the lessons are useless-"
"Okay, okay," Laurel broke in, perched on a mildly dirty cushion and eyeing the rest of the apartment with a head full of cleaning time calculations, and years of experience. "How about this: you've still got a three months before the exam, right?"
Naruto didn't answer, forgoing it in favour of his divine cup. He dove in with a pair of chopsticks, and the witch watched in disgusted fascination as he inhaled it, chomping madly and swallowing like it would try to run away from him. It reminded her of Ron those few times he'd had to skip lunch, and when dinnertime came around… well, suffice to say that not a lot of people had the stomach to survive witnessing it. "What is that?"
The blonde boy finished his cup, and took a deep breath as if emerging from a deep dive. "Ramen! It's the best thing ever created, dattebayo!"
The witch-turned-genie winced at the volume again, "Hey, Naruto, I'm right here. You don't need to yell. It's hurting my ears a bit, kid." Slight exaggeration, but whatever. Empathy stops bad habits faster. Pain inspires sympathy, which is close enough to count.
"Oh, sorry!" He stage-whispered, and she couldn't hold in a grin at his dramatics.
"You can just talk without yelling, whispering is a bit over the top. Anyway. As I was asking before, you've got a few months, right?"
"Yeah," he put the cup into the overflowing bin, where it rolled off the pile and into the slowly spreading circle surrounding it.
"I have an idea." She stated, wanting to get him interested enough to participate.
After a dramatic pause that made him twitchy, eventually curiosity took over. "What idea?" He started yelling again, and she waved her hands in a patting motion so he'd stop.
The boy gave her the cutest confused look, all wide blue eyes and puzzled frown. Laurel told herself she was overreacting, and she totally was. She'd get used to it, and then it'd be fine, she told herself. "Naruto, calm down, not yelling? I'll do this with my hands if you start doing it again, because it might take a while to remember not to." He nodded again, looking a bit discouraged. "Hey, it's just because I have sensitive ears after being in the silence for so long, not because I don't like you. I promise. Anyway, my idea is that since I'm here now, how about I help you study for the test. Rather than doing nothing for the next couple months and magicking you past it, so then you get to have another wish because you didn't use it."
It was half because she thought she could help him pass, and the other half because it sounded like he actually meant what she thought of when he said 'ninja'. Sneaking around and completing missions and actually having to kill people, or be killed by other enemy ninja (ninjas? How did plurals work?).
She'd rather not magic him through the test only to have him sent out into the field and killed because he didn't actually know what he needed to.
Even if she only got him halfway through passing, that was halfway closer than he would be, and instill some confidence in the kid if she managed to trick him into thinking he'd passed by his own efforts.
He reminded her a little of herself with the way he acted like nothing bothered him, but how he'd brightened when she'd suggested staying with him was exactly how she'd felt every time Ron and Hermione had chosen her over someone else.
He thought about it, "But even if I can't do it I'll still pass?"
Laurel nodded in agreement, hair sliding forward over one shoulder while some shorter bits poked her in the eye. Stupidly messy hair. "Yup. We'll just try to not use a wish first, so you still have three later." She clapped her hands enthusiastically, ready for action. "Now, so I can help you the best way possible, how about you tell me about yourself and what you like to do, and then we can nail down a plan."
"My name's Naruto Uzumaki, and I like ramen and pranking people, and Sakura-chan. I don't like books or learning, the Bastard, and waiting the three minutes for instant ramen. I'm gonna become Hokage and be a kick-ass ninja!" He grinned so wide she thought Naruto's face might crack in two.
Laurel only understood most of that, and she assumed 'bastard' and 'sakura' were specific people. "My name's Genie, and I like magic, cooking and reading. I don't like cruelty or laziness, and people who use others like tools. I want learn how to do more magic, and help you become a ninja."
She didn't tell him her real name because names had power, and especially in her case since it made it impossible to avoid commands from the lamp's master (as she and Hermione had tested earlier).
"You like pranking people?"
"Yeah, I painted Mizuki-sensei's house orange once, and I drew in the Old Man's porn books last week, and cut out bits of Wataru-sensei's notes!" He cheered, but managed to keep it at a reasonable volume.
She gave him a pat on the head for encouragement, and when he wasn't looking, pulled a face at the dirt grains in there. Did he bathe in sand or something? "What do your parents have to say about that?"
Naruto sank into the cushion he was sitting on, face darkening in glum sorrow. "I'm an orphan. My parents died when I was born."
Laurel empathised, mentally apologising for the rude thought just previously. "Me too. I was raised by my aunt and uncle, who were… not nice people. Do you have someone who takes care of you?" She doubted it by the state of his apartment. No true caretaker would let a child live like Naruto was.
"I take care of myself!" He declared, like there was nothing wrong with that sentence.
Maybe figuring out the lamp's biding magic wouldn't be such a bad thing if she wasn't having to think about it exclusively. Laurel remembered some ill-advised research binges (runes in general, the Triwizard Tournament, horcruxes: the list went on) and every single one had ended with her hitting a metaphorical wall, and then later usually a physical one. The solutions had only been found after Laurel had taken a break and let her subconscious mull over it.
He wasn't a bad person, was a child in sore need of some kind of oversight and she was here. If no one else was going to take care of this adorable child, Laurel would try her best to do right by him. Her conscience wouldn't let her leave him alone now she knew a little bit about what his life was like. It was easier to just give in now.
"What do you say to me helping you figure stuff out instead? I don't have anyone either, so I can stay here with you and be your guardian or whatever."
He tackled her in a hug, face nearly splitting with the wide grin stretched across it and she barely stopped them from toppling over onto the floor. This kid is unreasonably strong. His eyes were closed tightly, probably in an effort to hide the tears leaking out of them. "You'll stay? Thanks Genie-nee-chan!"
The witch wrapped his small frame within her marginally larger one, one arm fitting around his back while the other stroked his hair comfortingly. "Hey, we can do this. I'll be the responsible one, you can be the cute enthusiastic one." The blonde yawned widely, even through his smile. "How about we get ready for bed, and we can think some more tomorrow. Do you have school?"
He nuzzled his face into her neck, mumbling a negative. With a feather-light charm cast on Naruto so she could get to her feet without overbalancing, Laurel picked him up and carried him through the open bedroom door.
The ginger-haired woman tucked him in like she wished someone had cared enough to do for her when she was younger, and sat with him for a while. Laurel threaded her hand through his hair and ignored any dirt that came out. She could deal with that tomorrow, after he'd slept. "Sweet dreams, Naruto."
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The redhead had spent the night plotting instead of sleeping, since that was one of the changes now that she was bound to the lamp. She could sleep but she didn't necessarily need to, and the witch had spent her free time sorting out the details of the plan.
First, Laurel didn't want anyone to recognise her, so some different personas would be needed. One for when she was with Naruto, one for when she was going around publicly, and one for any sneaky things she might need to do. She planned to go out with Naruto at some point to get an idea for what was considered 'average looking', but that would only be for her away-from-Naruto civilian, and her sneaky disguise.
She'd started poking around the house once that was decided, and discovered it was worse than she'd thought. The lounge-living room-kitchen area was sparse and dirty, there was only three cushions for people to sit on, all of them second-hand and covered in patches and a weird shade of brown-grey that didn't look healthy. The carpet was raggedy and peeling up at the corners, the walls were bare plaster and forgotten shreds of wallpaper, with the occasional dotting of vibrant paint that was probably Naruto's doing.
The only proper window she could find was painted shut, and so dirty the only light that might get through was noon, and even that would probably be like the vague glow from the middle of a dense forest.
In the kitchen there was a stretch of bench against the wall piled high with dishes and rubbish, which eventually flowed off the left onto the actual rubbish bin. The sink was full of what seemed to be all of the dishes Naruto owned, and the only real things in the cupboards were spiders and instant ramen cups.
The bathroom was a similar state, with the shower-bath going grey and green, the sink going yellow, and the mirror so dirty it was like looking the inside of the lamp and expecting to be able to make out more than vague blobs. She'd noticed his lack of toothbrush, and a basic bar of plain soap was the only thing he had to clean himself with.
There was another small fogged-glass window in here, but it was also painted shut and so dirty as to be useless. The ceiling, surprisingly, didn't seem to have any water damage as usually happened with years of steam with nowhere to go.
Outside in the rest of the apartment building, the walls were covered in graffiti proclaiming offensive things about demons, and a quick homenum revelio told Laurel that Naruto was the only person living in the building, even. There was a person on the roof, apparently lying down and judging by the colour of the spell-induced aura, within earshot. But that was only for anything above a loud whisper, so Laurel's habitual volume would be fine. The witch could freak out about that later.
That was basically permission to go through the various levels and empty apartments for the purpose of looting. The next half hour was spent in rooms empty of furniture or literally anything even close to being useful, but instead full of dead spiders and dust. The building hadn't been in use for years, and apparently no one even bothered showing enough interest for the landlord to feel like they needed to clean things.
Why was a child living alone, in a building clearly avoided by everyone else, with no parental figure or supervision?
Laurel returned to Naruto's apartment in order to start getting breakfast ready. To the woman's horror, there wasn't much more in the fridge than some half-gone fruit and a bottle of milk. Otherwise there were about twenty instant ramen boxes in all the cupboards, and some clean lunchboxes with several sections. There was a moment of disassociation when Death-given knowledge insisted it was a bento box.
Whatever they were, they were still in the original packaging, and had clearly never been used.
Giving into her current state of social ignorance, Laurel stayed inside and pulled her food basket from her bag of wonders, picking out some jam and a loaf of bread. She'd cooked all of the food in the basket herself, each put under it's own stasis charm and then enveloped in the basket-wide one. Layering stasis charms had the effect of slowing time indefinitely, from what she'd found. That had been one of the more interesting days in the Department of Mysteries.
Most of it had been made in the middle of the night, when nightmares wouldn't let her rest but her brain was too fried from sleep-deprivation to do anything productive.
It was a reasonable hour now, she guessed, and cast a quick heating charm on the bread, conjuring a knife to cut it with when she couldn't find one in his kitchen.
The smell drew the small blonde out of the land of dreams and into the room, the sleepy blinks and slow stumbling warming her heart as she placed a few slices in front of him. The witch had been forced to clean a few dishes so they'd have things to eat with, and leaned against the bench since there was only one proper chair. She could transfigure a cushion or something later.
"Alright, once you've eaten we can get down to business. I have a list of things we're gonna do today, and then we can see what we can do training-wise. That okay with you?" Naruto didn't do more than blink at her, and she resisted the urge to mirror the expression back at him.
Laurel handed him more slices when he asked for them, and couldn't help carding a hand through his hair again. She ignored the subtle stiffening in his shoulders, and kept her movements slow and careful. It was very soft for something so ill-kept and dirty, and she decided that would be the first thing on the list.
He finished breakfast, and she nudged him over to the sink so when she started washing dishes he would dry them with the towel she'd provided.
"What are we doing today, Nee-chan?" He looked completely bewildered, but did as she directed while she started explaining.
"Okay, first we're going to clean this apartment properly. By that I mean the kitchen, the bathroom, all of the windows, all of your furniture, and you. I mean, I think you're adorable, Naruto, but being able to shake dirt out of your hair is not a good thing." She listed all of this very matter-of-factly, in the exact same delivery she'd heard from Hermione over the years.
"But I don't want-!"
Laurel interrupted him, having heard that exact cadence of complaint before. "I know, I know. Nobody really enjoys cleaning though, so it's not just you. It'll mean we can do some training in here, later, once we've cleared some space. Also I'm not sure if you notice how bad it stinks, and some light might be nice.
"And if the kitchen's clean enough, I can actually make food. There's lots of good reasons for a clean house, and none for a dirty one except laziness." She pointed a finger at him flicking some bubbles his way. "This is part of me being the responsible adult, alright? I'm not gonna clean up after you all the time or nothing would ever get done, so we both have to clean up after ourselves."
She let that sink in, and started putting away all the dishes and utensils, pointing out spots he'd missed while drying and letting him have another go if needed. After that was done things looked slightly less terrible, and she decided the rubbish was the next thing to be dealt with.
A frown pulled at the witch's face, as she surveyed the task ahead, and nodded decisively. She shoved a small hand into her bag and muttered a wandless summoning spell - it was one of four spells she was capable of without using her wand, though with it they were more effective and less draining. She pulled out two pairs of cleaning gloves and handed one to Naruto. They should only be a little big on him, which was better than having to use bare hands.
Laurel and Naruto worked their way through most of it, but though she'd managed to open the windows, they hadn't cleaned them yet. She used this first effort to teach him how to clean properly, since with everything as far gone as it was, it was easy to tell when it wasn't done right. After he'd gotten the hang of it, she magicked the rest and they moved onto the next thing.
When the 12-year-old boy (Laurel had honestly thought he was 10) hadn't stopped complaining, she'd carefully pointed out that she could just as easily not use magic, and then they'd have to do everything by hand. This was a lesson, not a punishment, but if he wanted her to stop, it wouldn't affect the 'genie' either way.
He backed up so fast it was a wonder he didn't manage to turn himself inside-out, and she laughed it off.
After cleaning and making him more presentable, they'd go out and Naruto would help her find the important buildings like a library, where his school was, and maybe a free space to do the inevitable physical training. He also wanted to take her to a place called Ichiraku, which apparently had the "Best Ramen Ever!" and that she hadn't tried it yet was soul-rending and she absolutely had to before she died of Ramenlessness, which was a terminal illness and…
Well, Naruto's enthusiasm was cute, but Laurel got the feeling getting him to eat anything other than ramen was going to be one of the biggest challenges.
She'd asked about ninja techniques since Naruto had mentioned something called a 'henge', and the boy had demonstrated for her. The woman absently mused that it would be good for sneaking around the village, and in response the blonde had explained how he'd used it before to escape pursuers after a prank.
Laurel had luckily talked him out of using it for this time, but in the future it might be an exercise to play with him if it was a basic technique.
The witch was a big fan of creative knowledge use, and 'the basics' were often the most versatile things. It'd also be an easy enough thing to motivate him for, because there were so many uses she could imagine off the top of her head, including more than just the aftermath of pranks.
After going exploring, they'd need supplies. Stuff like food, personal hygiene objects, library books and - if Laurel could find one - some kind of time-keeping device like a calendar, so they could mark down the day of the exam and start the countdown.
But in the meantime, there was still the windows that needed doing, and while he was busy she could do something about the piecemeal walls and raggedy carpet.
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