The Jedi Way
Palpatine's plush apartments can make many Jedi feel uncomfortable. This is because they have been taught since they were born that the way of the force strives for simplicity. A Jedi surrenders the comfortable things like thick carpet, ornate artwork, and deep couches. For one who grew up satisfied with the bare essentials, this much luxury made one feel unnatural. Anakin surveyed the apartment and did not find it alien, but homey and welcoming. The red carpet contrasted with the gray walls gave a sense of ease to the young Jedi. However, right now he was not focused on the decor.
When word was out that Anakin had recovered from the Battle of Geonosis, Chancellor Palpatine had sent for him. Obi-Wan of course was weary of Anakin going alone, but that was what Palpatine requested. So right now the young Jedi was sitting on a couch bending and flexing his new robotic hand, waiting for Palpatine.
Suddenly, the doors slid open, and Palpatine walked in talking to Mas Amedda.
"Thank you for that," said Palpatine. "Will you see to it, I have something urgent I must attend to."
"Of course, Chancellor" Mas Amedda said with a bow and walked out.
Hearing that the Chancellor was ready for him, Anakin got up and started walking towards the door.
The Chancellor smiled and said, "Anakin thank you for coming on such short notice."
"Thank you for having me, Chancellor" Anakin returned with a polite bow. "What can I do for you?"
"Come sit, please," said Palpatine waiving towards his desk. Anakin sat down in front and waited for Palpatine to go behind, but instead the Chancellor leaned against the desk and stared down at Anakin.
"Anakin, do you remember the first day that we met on Naboo? Do you remember what I said to you?"
Anakin nodded. "You said that you would watch my training."
"Well not really," corrected Palpatine. "You see I'm not at all interested in the Jedi ways, but I was very interested in you. One so young, already an accomplished pilot, and the chosen one. Think of it, you might be the key to winning the war before it started."
Anakin's heart dropped at the idea of being not only the Jedi's champion but now the Republic's as well. Here he was with one arm missing, desperately in love with a woman, and can't control his temper. He looked down and shuffled his feet.
"Anakin, what's wrong?" Palpatine asked, placing a hand on Anakin's shoulder.
"I'm not sure if I can win any war, sir" Anakin whispered.
"Oh, heavens no boy. I am not expecting that of you. That is what the clone army is for. No your right that is not what is to be expected of you. I am simply saying that when you are older, you will be one of the most powerful Jedi I have ever seen. You already have the potential."
"Well, I'm not sure," Anakin mumbled. "I don't really think that I am supposed to be a Jedi."
"What!" Palpatine pushed Anakin's chin up so that he could look the younger man in the eye. "Is this genuine doubt I am hearing from the boy who won a podrace at nine years old? You were by far the strongest in the force Qui-Gon has ever seen, that is why you were brought here, to be trained."
Anakin sighed, "I know but I have failed many times since then."
Perplexed, Palpatine cocked his head to one side. "In what ways have you failed, young one?"
"I disobeyed my mandate. I did not protect Pad-Senator Amidala, but brought her straight to Geonosis, where we got captured and almost executed," Anakin explained.
"Really, that is not what I heard. I was told it was Amidala that wanted to go to Geonosis and you bravely accompanied her after not being able to talk her out of it," Palpatine stated.
"Who told you that?" asked Anakin dejectedly.
"Padme" replied Palpatine.
"What?!" Anakin stared up at the chancellor wide eyed.
"Yes. I went to check on her wound from the Nexu while she was in the Senatorial Medical Unit." Palpatine explained. "She was very worried that you would be in some sort of trouble for not keeping her on Naboo and explained she literally piloted the plane to Geonosis."
"We did not go to Geonosis from Naboo, Sir." Anakin said darkly.
"Oh. Wait what? Did you go somewhere first then to Geonosis?"
"Yes," Anakin said ashamed. "We went to Tatooine."
"Ah, I see." Palpatine looked Anakin up and down assessing him before continuing on. "Seeing that is your homeworld, I can assume it was a personal matter. Would it bother you if I asked why?"
"I um-" Anakin paused and he felt tears welling up in his eyes. He swallowed hard so that he would not completely come undone in front of the Supreme Chancellor. "I- I wanted to see my mother. Just for a moment, to make sure she was okay."
Palpatine nodded, then looked into Anakin's eyes. To Anakin, it felt like someone was peering into his soul. "Something was wrong, my boy. That is why you needed to go home, right?"
"Yes," Anakin replied shakily. He blinked back some tears, ashamed of himself.
"Anakin, it's alright. I am your friend," Palpatine promised.
"She's dead," Anakin whispered and dropped his head in his hands.
Palpatine nodded. "I see. Anakin I am so sorry. I remembered when my own mother died how I felt. It was like there was no comforting me. Does anyone know? Did you tell Padme?"
"She was there when it happened," Anakin spoke through his now silent tears. "And she told Obi-Wan and he told Yoda and Windu."
"Oh. I wonder how much help a Jedi would be in this situation, considering none of them knew their mothers," stated Palpatine sadly.
"They have all lost people. Obi-Wan remembers how he felt when he lost Qui-Gon Jinn. But losing a master and losing a mother is not the same thing. At least I don't think it is."
"Its not. Trust me."
Anakin looked up at Palpatine, and wondered how he would know what losing a master would be like. But at this time he really couldn't care.
"They want me to release her into the force," Anakin whispered. "Obi-Wan says it is like releasing all of your grief and pain, saying you are not going to fight what happened."
"But that is not what it feels like is it?" Palpatine sympathized. "It is a beautiful sentiment. But it feels like you are saying it is okay that she died. That she suffered."
"Yeah. I can't do it," Anakin confessed.
"There is a process to grief Anakin that is normal, natural. One does not simply let death go. You want to fight it. Its okay, just not the Jedi way," Palpatine reasoned. "Perhaps," he added after a pause, "Perhaps you can let them think you are releasing her into the force, but you hold on for your own sake."
Anakin looked up at Palpatine in wonderment. "How could I do that?"
"Oh," cried Palpatine. "I'm not saying you directly lie to your superiors Anakin. No that would be unethical and just not do. I am saying that if we analyze that what is supposed to be gained from releasing your mother into the force is that you have some sense of peace. If you can find that peace without letting her go then that would accomplish what Obi-Wan wants, and you would still have the attachment to your mother. Let people think you are strong even when you do not feel that way. That is what I did when my parents died. I can teach you."
"If you are going to help me with that," Anakin started slowly. "Then you need to know something else as well."
"Alright. What is it?"
Anakin took a deep breath. "My mother was tortured by sand people," he said.
At that Palpatine's jaw drop, and the old man sat down beside Anakin. After he took a moment to recover himself, Palpatine pulled Anakin into a loving embrace. At first, Anakin was shocked by the Chancellor's compassion, but he gave into the hug. After a moment, Anakin pushed himself out and the Chancellor let him go.
"I needed that," Anakin admitted. "But that was not my point."
Palpatine righted himself, and looked Anakin in the eye ready to receive whatever could be worse. Anakin breathed again and said, "I killed them. The animals that hurt her. And I am not sorry. I will NEVER BE SORRY!" By the end he was standing up, and Palpatine had to motion him to sit down again.
"Anakin," Palpatine said calmly. "Take advice from an old man. Not a Jedi, but someone who has seen a lot. It is not the Jedi way to mourn your mother, or kill her capturers and not be remorseful. No it is not the Jedi way. But it is a natural way. You will always be first a man, and then a Jedi.
"Somethings can never be done the Jedi way."