How One Earns the Order of Merlin and is Still a Lonely Bastard (Or, how I wished the book had ended because I am a sentimental fool)
The black eyes flew open. He had to be ready and in the Great Hall for the ceremony in 30 minutes. Severus Snape rose quickly from the old, green sofa in his office and went about readying himself.
He went up alone. Black dress robes, white collar, black cravat and took his place next to the headmaster. The black curtains of greasy hair were a bit longer than most people remembered, the thin, pale face a little more lined, but the large black pools looking out and around the crowded Great Hall were the same.
It had been agony walking to his seat. More like a blur of faces and noise, colorful banners, bright glitter and a swirl of noise because he walked so fast. People with tears in their eyes, shouting his name, cheering, congratulating him, stopping him to shake his hand with glee and gushing as he tried to make it to his reserved seat in the front next to Dumbledore. Parents looking at their smaller children and pointing at him while explaining in terms the little ones could understand what he had done. And that he was probably going to be the next, most valuable chocolate frog wizard card in their vast collection. Actually, Honeydukes had contacted him and he was going to sit for his portrait next week.
Dumbledore beamed and clapped a hand to his shoulder. "I can't begin to tell you how proud of you I am, and thrilled beyond words at your recognition, so well-deserved, my old friend. You do know they will call you up and then we will present other awards to the Order of the Phoenix members. I rarely pay attention at these ceremonies but I would if I were you. They may expect you to say a few words."
"I am ready," Snape offered curtly but politely. He didn't trust himself to speak after what Dumbledore had said to him. The Headmaster's words warmed him, but a response was stuck on his tongue.
They sat through what only had to be a grueling, moving segment where tribute was paid and posthumous awards were given to those who had died in the fighting or along the way as they fought to rid the wizarding world of Lord Voldemort.
He noticed the weeping Andromeda and Ted Tonks, arm around his wife, the hand gripping her shoulder as if to settle himself, his wife, who was clutching both her grandson and the medals her daughter and son-in-law had received.
He felt a sudden tug in his stomach and had to look away. He had been Nymphadora Tonks Lupin's Potions Master and co-member of the Order and he would see to it that he said a few words to them later.
Potter's segment was a blur, too many thoughts swirling in his mind, until they honored him and put up a picture of him as a small baby with his parents. He felt as though his insides would give way. He'd never seen the pictures. And then he paid very close attention when James and Lily received posthumous awards for their services to the Order, to the wizarding world, and as casualties of the Dark Lord. He clenched his teeth as he saw the long, thick, red hair cascading down her back and the huge, bright green eyes as she smiled at her baby. He never saw her again when she left school and married Potter, only in passing at Hogsmeade, Diagon Alley…well, any sight of her was welcome to him and he sought her out quite frequently.
Then it was Sirius Black, Emmeline Vance, Charity Burbage, and others…
Then it was his turn. And the new Minister of Magic, Kingsley Shacklebolt, or Aurora Sinsitra's intended, rose to speak about Severus Snape.
He reached the podium, looked up at the crowd and began.
"Severus Snape attended Hogwarts as a young man. If one asked his teachers, and we did," the crowd chuckled, "they all agreed that he was most brilliant, earned high marks, had a talent for potions very early on, and would be seen endlessly studying. After seventh year, he apprenticed at an Apothecary in Hogsmeade where he quickly impressed his employers until a position opened at Hogwarts. It was no surprise that he would become Potions Master, Defense of the Dark Arts instructor, Head of House, and eventually Headmaster though for a brief time."
"And all the while, Professor/former Headmaster Snape was working closely with Albus Dumbledore and acting as a spy for the Order of the Phoenix, risking his life on a daily basis by pretending he was still amongst the Death Eaters and one of them. He had fooled Voldemort for almost four years. He protected Harry Potter from several disasters and honored his love for his dear friend Lily Evans Potter and ensured the survival of her son."
Everyone now knew about his love for Lily. And he wasn't embarrassed in the least.
Potter, circling Voldemort carefully as Snape was dueling others and attempting to blast the snake, one of the horcruxes, in another part of the Hall, was told later that Potter had told Voldemort why he had turned. Everyone heard and retold the account to others later.
He would never forget…the Hall was chaos, groups of people dueling sporadically. If nobody was after you, you had to be aware of stray curses flying everywhere. No part of the Hall was truly secure. It was over when Dumbledore, one eye on Voldemort who was re-entering the Hall, one eye on Harry to protect him until the last second, ready to duel Voldemort with Harry if he must, had warned Snape not to blow his cover until the last second. Snape refused plainly. He had to go to her.
Professor Vector was on the ground, blood streaming from another wound to her chest. Her head had blood trickling down the side from where it had hit a stone on the wall. She sat up, dazed, and felt her hands around the floor frantically for her wand, but there was no way she was getting up for what had to be the third time she had been hit with something. She had been dueling for hours, running about the castle before their last stand in the Great Hall, and was done for. A Death Eater was slowly making their way to stand over her, and Merlin knew what. Snape didn't hesitate to find out what was next. He would get her and then follow all of Dumbledore's orders. They would have to work around this somehow. Snape had blasted the Death Eater away. Grabbed her quickly in his arms and brought her to a corner where others of their side were present, and where the more experienced had formed a human wall, so the injured were in the back of them. He couldn't regret what he did. He placed her in the arms of someone else and her eyes closed from the pain. He was still nervous because if it was more than a wound, if it was tainted with a dark curse, they may not be able to stem the flow until he could reverse it.
Dumbleodore, raising his wand and speaking fast had said. "Harry is the final horcrux. I had a feeling you might have suspected for awhile now at the type of dark magic involved. Please know why I couldn't tell you or anyone until now. Harry and I can duel him together. I can not let him touch Harry until the snake is killed. The snake must be killed. Harry, will…he needs to be…the killing curse He will not die, Severus, only the part of Riddle that is in him. And then one of us will have to approach Riddle and strike the final blow, destroy the last piece of soul. Be careful, they now know, and no, I am not upset that you blew your cover to help Septima Vector. And I knew. I know you care for her. We must split up. Severus, kill the snake…a piece of soul resides in it. Harry can not touch him until the snake goes first.
And it was when they had this conversation behind several powerful shield charms that were starting to wear off, he turned, and saw that the Death Eaters saw him move Septima to where the Order was and were communicating and moving together against him. Bellatrix Lestrange lost her mind and screamed in a blood-curdling voice, "TRAITOR…TRAITOR! I told you all…all you fools."
Which made his job easier, because they knew Voldemort valued the snake, not that it was a piece of soul that needed to be protected. Voldemort never told them. The price of trusting no one that could potentially, in a move for power, kill the snake themselves.
The snake was slithering frantically, fearful, trying to get out of the way of hexes and curses, trying to get to her master's side. Snape walked right to where the Death Eaters were, deflecting spells, casting several powerful ones of his own, pausing, calculating, when several Death Eaters saw that they were getting nowhere because Snape was so much more powerful than them. They gulped; never suspecting that the quiet pet of Voldemort, the lapdog of Albus Dumbledore, had acquired this much magical skill, and that they had poorly underestimated him. He snapped his wand, pretending to strike someone near him and moved his hand expertly within seconds. The snake let out a piercing hiss and fell to the floor…dead. It was then that he went over to help Dumbledore and Harry. And the Dark Lord gave him such a look due to his treachery to him. He knew he would never forget it as long as he lived. Shock mingled with fear too because Lord Voldemort realized that he had never planned for this, and could not fathom how Snape had duped him for years.
"It is with great honor I present several of our highest awards to Professor Severus Snape, and one that was created to honor him and Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and Mister Harry James Potter."
"Professor Snape, would you please join me onstage," said Kingsley proudly.
Snape rose and looked at Dumbledore. He turned and saw Septima Vector for the first time. She had waved and mouthed, "Good luck" to him as he made his way to the stage set up for the evening.
Kingsley Shacklebolt waited for Severus to reach his side and then continued.
"May I present to you, Severus Snape, the Wizarding gold medal for bravery, Order of Merlin, first class, and lastly, the highest honor created and to be bestowed upon Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore as well, the Order of Merlin, phoenix maxis, which none but the three of you will ever receive. On behalf of myself and the entire wizarding world, we honor you and could never repay you or thank you enough for your sacrifices and services to us."
Professor McGonagall helped the minister pin them to Severus' robes, tears welling in her eyes. She then hugged him and looked about to say something but had difficulty due to her emotions. "It has been an honor to work with you and…and to know you as your teacher. I can never forgive myself for ever doubting you."
He offered quietly, "Minerva, what were you supposed to think, granted some of my past actions and affiliation, please do not think on it." He struggled, but offered what he hoped was a reassuring sort of smile.
The cheers and claps were deafening, people rose out of their seats and there was no chance the applause was ending any time soon.
He walked to the podium and looked around, taking it all in. After awhile, those with better sense who saw he was waiting to speak stopped and sat down and then the others followed suit.
There was so much to say…better to speak from the heart, he thought.
"I can't thank all of you enough. There were many dark moments, when I wasn't sure I would live to see another day pass, spend another moment at Hogwarts, times I thought I would reach the company of the Dark Lord, never to return. But we all had no choice but to see this through, no matter the obvious costs to us, and any sacrifices were well worth it. I wish to congratulate Headmster Albus Dumbledore and Mister Pot…Harry Potter, whom these great honors would not have been possible without them. To Dumbledore, who has been much more like a father to me and when in my darkest days…saved me. To Harry… whom had taken burdens on his young shoulders that no young man had ever faced, and persevered, and has vanquished the Dark Lord. Our world has changed forever, but for the better, and we should look to our best for guidance and leadership.
I would like to dedicate my awards to Lily Evans Potter in honor of her memory and great friendship to me. If I had been half as brave, I would not have made some of the gravest errors of my earlier life. I would like to thank and honor the Order of the Phoenix, those that have passed, and all of the people, especially students who fought in the brave battle for Hogwarts. And to Professor Septima Vector, who showed great patience with me when I mentored her and worked along side her at Hogwarts. Though I was her mentor, I believe it was I who had the privilege and learned many things from her. And to my teachers, especially, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, Filius Flitwick, Pomona Sprout, and Horace Slughorn, this was the only home I knew, and without your patience with me and guidance as a student and later as co-workers, it would have made all the difference."
Professor Vector had tears streaming from her eyes. Sinistra looked shocked at his words, and affection surged in her heart for him. He had saved her best friend. Had run over there at all costs, even death to himself and when her and Kingsley were married she intended to have him do whatever Snape wished for himself, now that he was minister. Nobody could ever repay what this man had secretly and later out in the open had done for the world.
He left the stage and took off the Order of Merlin first class. He saw Harry Potter sitting with Ginny Weasley gripping his hand.
Nobody in the audience could figure out what he was about to do.
Potter's eyes flew open apprehensively as if he still wasn't sure if Snape would verbally let him have it or not.
He walked slowly over to Potter and stared down at him, willing himself with everything in his being, not to tear.
"I…I want you to take this, Potter. This is for your mother and I want it to be given to her first grandchild," he said solemnly, choking back tears. Damnit he wouldn't…not in front of all these people.
"No, sir, I can't," Harry blushed and felt for his old professor, a surge of respect and admiration that was only possible now that they had defeated their common enemy, and after he realized how he had loved his mother deeply and throughout his life.
"Yes, you can and you must," Snape insisted, his hand shaking and still stretched out, with the award in front of Harry's face.
"Sir, please…it is yours," Harry's eyes now filled with tears as Ginny sobbed next to him.
"Potter," and he sounded like his old self, "do not argue with me in the presence of most…." Few habits die hard, he remembered himself and stopped abruptly, "I will not take it and…" his low, soft voice broke.
Harry took it and held out his hand to Snape. He only wished to help Snape and knew the best thing he could do for him was to take it before Snape, her feared, started to cry. He would drive him crazy enough later when he sent it back to him and Snape gave him a hard time about it.
It is when Snape looked down to shake Harry's hand and pass him the award that he saw huge green almond-shaped eyes and the first time he realized that yes, he was the spitting image of James Potter but that he was half Lily Evans too.
He handed it to him and walked back to his seat, his head down, and his long greasy hair covering most of his face.
It was also when the full realization hit him, sadly, that his life's work wasn't ever going to bring Lily back, thought he believed somehow, somewhere she knew and she was grateful and smiling down at him like she used to. His very best memories… the two of them, an hour left in the park before her mother called her and Petunia into dinner, laughing, joking, and making fun of some of the people in their year back at school. Her jests, good-natured, and his with sarcasm that masked his bitterness, because everyone loved her and he was struggling socially at school, something he never rose up from, until it had driven him to join the Death Eaters.
It was somewhat soothing to his soul. He had saved her son, a part of her, but nothing could save his soul completely, he'd done far too many terrible things, he believed.
He panicked. What would he do now? What purpose was there in his life now that he had done everything he had set out to do? What was next, if anything, for him. A huge weight felt like it had dropped in his stomach and he felt lost, lonely, and with a lack of direction for the first time in a very long time.
He turned around and saw an extremely moved Vector, crying harder after he handed Potter the medal. Her hand covering her mouth, and her dark blue eyes wide open, and blurred with tears.
He hoped it wasn't on his account, because he didn't deserve her tears…or her. He knew she was grateful that he had saved her live and for this he was moved…she needn't thank him. She had preserved his as well.