Kida did not at all like this idea.
"What are you going to do, then?"
"I need to get Shizu-chan to fuck me, of course. The problem is how to arrange it without his realizing what is going on or he'll think that I'm trolling. I can always disguise myself."
"Play the trap card?"
"Don't be stupid. Of course not. I could pull it off beautifully since I am of course exceedingly pretty but Shizu-chan would bite my head off as soon as he realizes he'd been duped."
"Maybe you can annoy him so much he'll just flip a lid and rape you?"
Izaya rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.
"As if I haven't tried that yet."
"You have...?"
"Of course I have. That's half the reason why I irritate him as much as I do. I am into rough sex but unfortunately Shizu-chan doesn't seem to be into doing me. I cannot for the life of me understand why not. I am so hot."
Kida tried not to laugh. Izaya normally allowed to be made fun to some extent since it tended to simply feed his ego in a bizarre way (Kida had a theory that Izaya enjoyed being a troll as much as he enjoyed giving the impression that he was being trolled, which made him a pseudo reverse troll) but Kida could tell that now was not a good time to joke. Which was difficult since truthful Izaya was not as much as a contradiction of terms as it might seem, it simply meant that Izaya's megalomania was completely unchecked and ran amok.
"Ah..."
"I'll have to use you to arrange something. Then again I do that pretty much all the time and I don't even pay you the minimum wage even though I can more than afford it but I'd rather make sure you are always scrambling for money. Also, it's pretty fun."
"Orihara-san, that is..."
Izaya stopped his pacing and sighed deeply.
"But of course you ought to know all of this already. I picked you for my closest pawn for a reason, after all you are pretty clever. Not as clever as I but no one so let us leave it at that. At any rate I may have to use 'that'. And by 'that' I mean a super potent aphrodisiac that Shiki just so happens to have in his possession. If I use that on Shizu-chan he is bound to have sex with me and then all will be well. Ah, I wouldn't say no to rolling in the hay with Shiki, I really wouldn't, but this is dangerous to have a yakuza forced to spew his guts whether he likes it or not. Then I'd be landing in the bottom of Tokyo Bay and you don't want that either since you'd be unemployed."
"I see...so...thanks, I guess? Just what am I expected to do, exactly?"
"Very simple, you are to call Shiki and ask for 'that'. He'll know what you mean. Then set an appointment in some place by the river, yakuza love those shady places and one must humor them or they'll get all huffed. And then I'll to come up with a scenario that includes luring Shizuo to some love hotel or something. I am not too worried since I can come up with something given how clever I am. I really love myself so much."
Kida found himself fascinated. There was something strangely compelling about Izaya going on about how amazing he was.
"Orihara-san, I never thought you'd rather bottom than top."
Izaya nodded sagely.
"Yes, most people wouldn't. Unless you go by fanfic writers, nine out of ten they have me bottoming and at times I'm even moe!zaya which is completely off character. Bottoming or not, I am snarky all the way. One thing they have right, though: I am great in bed. Ah, there are some of those stories that I wish were real. I read, I fap, I feel sad that I remain a virgin of Shizu-chan sexy ways and then I troll him some."
"Fanfiction...? Do I want to know?"
"Oh please, like you don't read them too. By the way, you might want to know that your pal Mikado has all the fics where you're paired with him nicely backed up in an external drive."
Normally Kida would dismiss this as Izaya being, well, Izaya but he knew that Izaya was telling the truth. Since he could not help it.
"That's...disturbing."
"You don't know half of it. He has a thing for bondage and gagging. If I were you I'd be extra careful next time you have a slumber party. He wrote some of them himself. What, as if 'anon' setting would ever fool me."