I am unexplainably angry. February gives way to March through a wave of fury on my part. Miss B's room continues to be my refuge from my classmates. She is the only teacher that really stands up to them about what we call "beak wars". Basically a bunch of people make fun of each other until someone takes it too far and makes someone else mad. Everyone but me finds them just hysterical. I think they sound stupid and ignorant. There are often a lot of terrorist jokes, and racist jokes, and parent jokes. I would punch someone in the face if they made fun of either of my parents. I want to punch them all for making fun of other religions. I relish the thought of them being punched for their racism once they get into the real world. I seem to enjoy punching lately. As much as I like my classmates, sometimes they tick me off too much for me to maintain my sanity.

Marie and Francine are rant-yelling about something. I think someone made a monkey/ape joke. I want to say something to make everyone shut up. I stay silent. My voice is too quiet to be heard, and even if I did have a loud voice, no one would care what I have to say. And no one would back me up. I don't have any close friends in my class. I imagine the things I would say if I could speak up.

Miss B starts talking, and I force myself to pay attention. Apparently we're going to have a class debate. Yeah, right. It'll just be the "popular" girls yelling their opinions and not allowing anyone else to talk. I think. I consider voicing my concern, but rule against it. Marie and Francine would probably yell at me to shut up.

Later, in the evening, I am sitting on my bed, meditating about my life. I stumble on to a memory I wish I could forget. I continue to think about it anyway. I need to learn to face my fears, or I'll never get anywhere in life. It really is pathetic that such a miniscule thing hurt me so badly, made me contemplate suicide. Until that moment, I hadn't thought about suicide for quite a while. Now it is one of my most common thoughts, though one I prefer not to mention. I force myself to go back in time, to April a year ago.

I was bouncing with excitement when we got home from Saskatoon. Maybe I could talk to Ivan on Facebook again! I dashed through the door and went straight to my laptop. I impatiently tapped my fingers while it started up. I didn't even check my e-mail, I rushed straight to Facebook. I held back an excited squeal; there was a message from Ivan! I opened it immediately.

That wasn't me last night.

I felt like the entire universe had ended. I was ready for the Horsemen of the Apocalypse to come take me to Hell. Hell itself was probably better then how I felt.

Yeah, I kinda figured. I wasn't going to say anything just in case, you know? Who was it anyway?

After sending my poker-faced reply, I logged off and closed my laptop and slowly walked to my room. I closed my door and slid down with my back against it, the way they do in movies. I silently sobbed to myself, feeling the pain of rejection. My first really harsh rejection. An enormous slap in the face. 'Who was I to think I could have a stupid "revolution"?' I thought savagely to myself. 'God, why am I so damn stupid!' My crying-fest continued, and I flung myself on my bed, muffling my gradually increasing in volume sobs. 'I quit. It's obvious a revolution will never happen, I can't even handle rejection!'

I wipe a tear away from my face. I'm not done with my painful reminiscing, but I need a break. I grab myself some tea and proceed with my reminiscing.

Ivan had blamed one of his friends, Berwald, for my humiliation. It doesn't make sense to me; He's really tall and can look intimidating, but I know he's not that mean. He's one of the nicest people I know. I decide to consult Gilla, she might be able to help me. I had been talking to her before "Ivan" and she had mentioned she was at a friendly get-together, so he probably was there too.

'Oh, that was me!" She laughs. I force myself to laugh with her. 'I can't believe you didn't catch on, I even signed off Facebook to go on his account with him!'

'Yeah,' I responded, faking a short laugh. 'God that was stupid of me, huh?' I was furious and mentally calling her every single insult I could think of. It took all my strength to walk away still chucking, rather then punching her in the face.

I grit my teeth. I bet everybody at the get-together had a real hardy-har-har making fun of me for not realizing I was being played. I punch my pillow. As angry as I am, I have to admit I feel a lot better now that I've forced myself to accept that it's happened, and it's done. My anger isn't gone; it's as strong as it was when I started to meditate. I drift off to sleep to the thought of what I would do if I were the Evil Overlord of the World. I would probably be the cruellest ruler in history.

(A/N) This next part until the end of the chapter is still controversial.

I dream of other bullying incidents. My memory goes back to kindergarten, where no one but Lars will so much as look at me. I try being friendly with the other kids. They ignore me and turn the other way. My parents and the teachers are oblivious. I meet Ingrid at church. She is two and I am five. We become friends instantly.

Grade One. I am still invisible, unless Gilla, Marie, and another girl feel like making fun of me for believing in unicorns and enjoying reading. I am the shortest and slowest runner in my class. I decide I have a crush on a guy named Ludwig, because in my mind he's Gilla's boyfriend, and the loser always gets the popular girl's boyfriend.

I give up talking to anyone during grades two and three. I am ignored if I try.

Grade Four. I am silent now. I don't even try to talk to anyone anymore. This is the first time I am stupid enough to tell Gilla who I like. The whole class knows in a matter of minutes. Ludwig treats me like a piece of dirt, rather then ignoring me. Everyone else teases me constantly. I sometimes come home crying.

Grades five and six are more silence. Lars moves in grade six, and I become nearly mute during school.

By grade seven I am depressed and trying to be a dark punk. It seems silly since I still listen to kids music. Gilla once more worms another boy crush out of me. It is grade four all over again. I had almost been friends with the guy before Gilla told him I like him. Francine has moved to St. Walburg. She instantly joins the ranks of Gilla and Marie.

Grade eight seems to be the year everything will change. Maybe. Until the all-too-familiar boy cycle with Gilla repeats. She tells two older guys I like them. I don't. They "flirt" with me anyway. I feel like I am being sexually harassed, but don't want to do anything. This is the first year all three of the "popular" girls silence me. Ingrid moves.

Grade nine is the same. The older boys still bother me. I am still too afraid of them to ask them to stop. The vicious by cycle with Gilla doesn't repeat. I am smart enough to keep any crushes I have to myself now. I lie through my teeth and say "no" every time Gilla asks me if I hate her. Not that that happens very often. No one talks to me unless we're doing a project together. Even then they sometimes ignore me.

Grade ten is when the older boys decide to leave me alone. We kind-of become friends after that. I meet Bella. Everything is looking up. I am still silenced whenever I try to talk, but at least I have a friend to talk with after school. I have an enormous crush on Ivan. He and Gilla use this to mess with me. My brain skips the entire memory of the Facebook incident, perhaps it's a sign that I am ready to move on.

Present day. I am still quiet. But maybe I can change that.