Chapter 4: The Scent of Innocence
I don't know exactly what it is, but waking up to find myself still in Hasetsu is like living some kind of beautiful, ongoing dream, and this morning, it's even better because I know that Yurio has vacated the storage room next to mine, and I am free now to give my full attention to training Yuuri. Well, at least I could if I wasn't distracted by all of the different things in this place. Saint Petersburg is a large city, and the part I live in is beautiful. Hasetsu is beautiful too, but in a completely different way. There is so much color in the buildings, trees and flowers. I love the ocean breezes and watching the petals fall from the trees. Everyone here is so friendly too. And don't get me started on the food. I'm surprised that I haven't gained as much weight as Yuuri has lost in the last couple of weeks.
Yuuri's still sleeping when I wake up, so I dress and Maccachin follows me to the room where Yuuri's mother has breakfast waiting for me. Yuuri's parents are so different than mine. My parents were more stern, and because we were wealthy, there were a lot of rules I had to follow. I couldn't escape that fast enough, opting to move into the dormitory near the skating rink where I was training, as soon as I could convince my parents to let me. There, the rules were more lax, and I got into plenty of trouble. I grew distant with my parents, until they just seemed like people I knew, rather than real family. Yuuri is much closer with his family than I ever was with mine.
I think I am already closer to Yuuri's family and friends than I was to my own in Saint Petersburg.
Yuuri's parents and I eat together, kneeling on pillows, around a low table. It's so different from the way I live in Russia, and I am loving every minute. I almost hate to leave for the ice rink, because I'm having so much fun laughing and talking with Yuuri's parents and sister. But, if we are going to get Yuuri ready for competition, we have to start now.
I have so many ideas about how to begin. There are so many possibilities. With Eros completed, we need to turn our attention to Yuuri's free skate program. I think it will be best to encourage him to learn to produce this on his own, with just support from me. After all, I have to return to Russia sometime, and by the time I do, I want Yuuri to be comfortable with doing this on his own.
God, I don't want to even think about leaving. Hasetsu is so beautiful, and I'm getting so spoiled.
But that's months away, so I just put it out of my head and set out for the ice rink. I get there with lots of time to spare, and since we don't yet have music or an idea for the theme of Yuuri's free skate, I'm free to just put on my skates and enjoy myself. I so rarely get to skate just for the fun of it. I'm usually putting together a routine, making alterations or practicing until my legs shake and I'm sweating all over from the exertion.
Given at least a half hour before Yuuri's arrival, I warm up, then gradually start moving in longer, more sweeping movements, stretching while I glide, then going into a spin and gliding out again. There is no set of moves that guides me. There's not even any music. It feels like meditation because I can feel how deep and slow my breaths are while I'm moving. It's so relaxed, such a departure from the more frenetic pace of training. I wish it could last longer, but Yuuri will be here soon, so I slow and come to a stop,
Our start time arrives and passes. Ten minutes go by, then twenty…and Yuuri is still not there. I check under my fingernails for dirt, daydream a little to pass the time, then lift a foot and tap the ice with my toe pick.
Where is he?
Nearly forty-five minutes pass before my cute pork cutlet bowl dashes through the entry doors and skids to a stop behind me, stammering as he apologizes frantically. I admit that it was a little annoying being made to wait, but he looks so adorable and completely intimidated. So, instead of being mad, I turn and give him a bright smile.
"Well, good morning Yuuri! I have to say you are impressively late. Only Aeroflot has kept me waiting longer."
He tumbles onto the ice in his street shoes, still apologizing as he remains on hands and knees,
"Oh, how fun! Japanese dogeza."
He continues to look like he expects me to be mad, even as I reassure him. With a little encouragement, he scrambles back off the ice and quickly puts on his skates. There's a very sweet moment as he glides onto the ice and heads out to meet me. I can see that he's smiling just a little, now that he knows he isn't in trouble. It's ever so clear that Yuuri can't believe this moment is happening. He's apparently been dreaming all of his life about sharing the ice with me, and he never ever dreamed that it would happen because of me coming to Hasetsu to coach him.
I didn't dream of such a thing happening before, either. But that video of him changed everything, and now, here we are, both a little shocked and overwhelmed we've reached this moment.
We start with a gentle warm up, a series of moves we make, side by side, and from the moment we begin, skating feels different to me. It's not solitary anymore as I feel Yuuri's presence and see his body moving, out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes, the solitude I feel when I skate is relaxing and comforting, but as I've aged and begun to struggle with each new program, it started to feel less pleasant and more lonely. And I don't know why or how it happened, but the more famous I became, the more distant I began to feel with the people around me. Yuuri has admitted to putting me on a pedestal, and I think I let myself be lifted onto one. I didn't mean to lose touch with other people, but there's something strange that happens when so many eyes watch you. People start to act as though you're not human, because you do one thing amazingly. I am a great skater, but I have other interests and needs too. Those things seemed to be pushed out by the focus on that one part of me everyone noticed.
There's also the ticking time bomb of advancing age that works against the mind. I am well aware that all of those eyes that watch so closely now, will eventually turn away, when age begins to steal away the beauty of my skating. It's sad, but it's a fact of life. As I've grown older, the threat moves closer and closer each year, slowly pushing back on my confidence and inspiration. And honestly, if Yuuri hadn't come along, I don't know how long I could have continued. I was at the top and already seeing the inevitable fall from that high place. Everyone else was still wrapped up in my success, but I was already stepping over the edge.
Yuuri appeared in front of me, and all of a sudden, I wasn't at the edge anymore. When I looked at Yuuri Katsuki, I saw the span of the top of the mountain I stood on, begin to extend. The number of years I have left as a competitive skater haven't changed, but knowing that Yuuri will be there to compete with, changes everything. I feel my focus shifting back from the inevitable fall to the here and now. We may not have forever, but Yuuri and I have this moment. We have this place and the ice that lets us be graceful and beautiful together. I know that when we finish our practice time and step off the ice, Yuuri will go back to being quiet and intimidated, but while we move together, it's heaven. I feel that his eyes have watched me for so long, he could follow my every move with his eyes closed. He looks happier than I've ever seen him so far.
I don't want this to end…ever.
We run through his Eros program, tweaking it here or there to prepare for his first competition, then the focus moves to the free skate that has to be made from scratch. We first discuss the quads he can do. Yuuri is convinced he wants to compete with three quads in his program, even though he is terribly inconsistent with landing the quad salchow. I decide not to press that issue for the moment, and we talk about the other jumps. I finish by asking him to consider what kind of music and theme he favors. I can see right away that he has no idea what he wants. I'll give him time to think about it. We spend the rest of our skating time playing with moves. I'm really just enjoying skating with him, and it's encouraging that Yuuri is starting to get more comfortable with me too. This is good. As cute as it is when he panics just being close to me, I want him to relax and trust me more. I want Yuuri to trust himself more. But…one thing at a time.
Right now, as we're gliding across the ice together? I just want to us both to enjoy sharing that feeling with each other. It's the love that Yuuri and I have in common, and it's heaven on earth being in this place together. I want to cry when our time is up and we leave the ice to change back into our street clothes. Yuuri is quiet as we walk through the streets, heading back to Yutopia Katsuki.
"You did well for your first day," I praise him.
The most adorable flush creeps onto his face, giving me a little tickle inside.
"Thanks," he manages.
He moves forward with me, his eyes sparkling a little.
"Actually, it still feels a little unreal, like I'm just dreaming it's all happening like this."
He says such cute things sometimes.
"Well, if you're dreaming, then I am too," I tell him, "and I'm pretty sure I didn't dream flying all of this way. I know I'm not dreaming up the delicious food and hot baths. No, this is real."
"I'm glad you like being here."
"Who wouldn't like being here?" I laugh, "Hasetsu is great, and everyone here is so welcoming."
"Well, you probably get that everywhere, being a skating god, right?"
"Hmm."
Yuuri gets quiet again, and he stays that way as we make our way home. He's still being quiet, and he looks like he's unhappy about something as we retire to the hot spring to relax. Yuuri sinks down into the water, but he doesn't look relaxed, he looks worried about something.
"You know," I say, sitting on the edge of the spring and spreading my legs to indulge in a few stretches, "I'm thinking that maybe three quads is too many for your free skate."
Yuuri's head lifts and he immediately objects.
"But I need those quads if I want to win!"
"Not true," I remind him.
Yuuri should know this.
"You could get by on one quad. Just get a perfect score on your performance components and you're good to go."
The very idea seems to crush him.
"I'll never win this way! I have to do more."
He needs encouragement, but I'm not sure how to give him that. I take his hands and look into his surprised eyes as I pull him up, partway out of the water and hold him there.
"Yuuri, do you know what made me come to Hasetsu to be your coach?"
He looks back at me like he has no idea at all.
"I was drawn to you because of the way your body moves to the music, like the music is already inside you and you are using your body to release it. You need a high difficulty program to help you maximize that potential. I knew I could give you that. And the short program proved it!"
He looks completely distracted by the fact that I've got hold of his ankle and I'm lifting his foot high into the air, giving him a good stretch.
"I think you should produce the free program yourself," I suggest.
He looks terrified at the thought.
"But my coach always chooses my music!" he objects.
"You should do it on your own," I insist.
"But Victor, I've never…and I wouldn't know where to begin."
"Just use your instincts."
"But my coach…!"
"Who was your last coach?"
We realize suddenly that we have an audience. Several of the bathers in the next room are peeking in. Yuuri jerks his extended leg out of my hand, blushing all over as he ducks back into the hot spring, waiting until the observers have gone away. He shuts down after that, and I'm too tired to try to do anymore. I suppose it will have to wait. I head off to bed, forgetting to eat anything, and as soon as I'm asleep, I find myself in a sweet dream, replaying our skating together from earlier, but this time, Yuuri isn't quiet or intimidated.
This time, Yuuri smiles as we move, then he turns and I catch his hands in mine and we dance a little together. I love his sweet, innocent scent.
Innocence has a scent, right?
His smile and the beautiful sparkle in his eyes lure me. I move in closer and breathe in more of his scent. My heart is pounding from more than the fact we're still skating. Then, Yuuri lifts a skate and uses his toe pick to trip the two of us. The next thing I know, we're falling together, only I never feel an impact with the ice, because his hands are on me, holding me, then sliding beneath my clothes as he crawls on top of me and starts kissing me.
It's so strange.
I know a lot of male skaters who are gay, but I've never been attracted to a man before. Women are beautiful, but Yuuri seems far more than that as his fingers slide along my skin and his lips and tongue glide along my throat, sending electric tingles down, between my thighs. If there was any doubt before, it disappears as Yuuri's touch awakens the long neglected place between my thighs.
I didn't think I missed sex. When you know that it would be easy to get someone to touch you, it ceases to feel like a challenge. And the complication of relationships can be draining when coupled with the hectic life of a competitive athlete. I couldn't be a good partner to the women I dated, so my relationships never lasted long. It's less complicated to just pleasure myself when I feel aroused. At least, that's what I've thought, up until now.
But in this dream? With Yuuri on top of me, his pale fingers tearing at our clothes, and that pretty, smiling mouth biting at my throat, then trailing downward to attack my very erect nipples? It sends little jolts directly to my groin, and I'm breathless and panting in moments. I arch my back, rubbing against him and praying that he won't stop. He continues to blush cutely and smile as he nibbles his way down to my belly button. He plays a little in there with his tongue, letting his smoky brown eyes tease me before he moves down between my thighs and takes me into his hot, relentless mouth.
Everything around us seems to disappear…the lights, the music we were skating to…and the chill ice under my back. The air hisses with steam and Yuuri's devouring mouth licks and sucks shamelessly. He savors me like one of those pork cutlet bowls he so loves, lingering over every inch of my flushed, needy skin. The fingers of one hand play with my nipples, while he takes me to the very edges of bliss, then stops and gives me a look of truly wicked intent.
The fingers of his other hand push into my mouth, stealing the saliva that has been building up there as he has tormented me. He gathers some on his fingers, then slides them slowly down the length of my body, sending chills through me, because I know where this is going, and I don't know if I'm ready to go there.
As I said, I've never been attracted to a man before.
I try to tell him, but one of his dampened fingers touches me in a place I've never had stimulated before. My heart goes into overdrive and I feel a moment of complete panic that brings me awake, just as the dream-Yuuri's ministrations send my shocked body into orgasm. I sit up in bed, panting and shaking all over, and my belly and thighs are damp with semen.
There is a moment where I'm not sure if I'm going to throw up or pass out. My ears ring loudly and my heart throbs until it hurts.
I drop back onto my pillow, working to slow my breathing and trying to make sense of what just happened.
The inescapable truth is that I'm very attracted to Yuuri. I knew that I liked him, and I even realized that the feelings I was having were more than platonic, but I didn't take them seriously before. It feels serious now. But, it's also impossible. Yuuri isn't ready for a relationship. He can barely be in my presence without freaking out. I think if I dared to lay a hand on him, he would run away screaming in terror. Whatever happens, I don't want to scare him. I don't even know if he shares my feelings, or if his interest in me only extends to skating.
We need more time.
I climb out of bed, wrap a robe around myself and head for the nearest shower. I bathe slowly, breathing in and out, and reminding myself why I'm here in Hasetsu. I didn't come here to seduce Yuuri, although it would be a delicious side dish. I came to Hasetsu to guide Yuuri to becoming the competitor I know he can be. Everything else is not so important as that. The attraction I feel needs to be leashed and kept quiet or it could become a threat to my mission.
I leave the shower and start back to my room, but I bump into Yuuri's mother in the hallway.
"Oh, you're up late, dear," she says, tilting her head and smiling, "You look a little flushed. Are you feeling all right? You didn't eat dinner. Do you want me to make you something?"
I start to refuse, but my stomach chooses that moment to growl, and a short time later, I'm filling up on a pork cutlet bowl, drinking sake and listening to Hiroko's stories about Yuuri's childhood.
God, I never want to go back.
I love Hasetsu and everyone here.
I'll just ignore, for the moment, how Yuuri is distracting me and focus on that.