Well, here we are: the dreaded meeting in Cullen's office. Thank you for all the encouragement on this story. It's been a lot of fun writing this one. I plan on doing one more chapter where Bones rewards Booth for being such a good sport through all this.
Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Booth was sure that this was not going to go well. Even with Bones right beside him, he was certain that nothing good could come with Cullen getting the good news that his manhood may not be so high and mighty as he thought it was. That and the obscenely high food bills that were now coming his way like clockwork when his wife went shopping, and Booth was sure that he was doomed.
"Are you wearing a protective device for your genitalia?" Bones suddenly asked as she was sitting next to Booth in the outer office of Deputy Director Cullen waiting for Cullen to call them in. She ignored the shocked look on Cullen's secretary's face when she asked Booth that question.
Booth wanted to crawl into any waiting hole in the ground. Of course Bones would notice that! He groaned. "It's called a cup, Bones," he told her quietly with some serious exasperation. "And I told you I'm trying very hard to keep my highly evolved body intact. The glares and soto voce threats this afternoon have gotten worse!"
"Do you seriously believe that they would scalp your eight and one-eighth inch penis?" Bones asked directly.
"Bones!" Booth hissed, noticing the now very interested look from Cullen's secretary, a woman who looked a lot like his grandmother. The thought made him even more nauseous than he had been before. "I would appreciate it if you didn't hand out my vital statistics! I'm not a peep show!"
"Actually I know a number of women, and a few men, who would enjoy having a view of such an impressively sized penis," Bones commented. Then she smirked. "Angela, of course, being at the head of any such list."
Booth wanted to hurl at the mere thought of any guys wanting to have an up close and personal look see at Junior and the Boys, but he kept it together. Right now he was embarrassed as Hell that Cullen's secretary was hearing all this.
"Bones, I am begging you to shut up!" he pleaded in a low, imploring tone. Then for some reason he would never understand, he let his small head do the talking for one sentence. "Are you on the list?" he questioned, then shut his mouth instantly once he realized what he had said.
"Of course," Bones told him with no shame whatsoever. "I would be ahead of Angela, assuming such an occasion presented itself. I would have thought that would be obvious, regardless of any artificial line you drew between us."
"I knew that damn line was going to bite me in the ass," he muttered so low that no one heard him.
"You may go in now," the secretary told them, making sure to take a surreptitious look at a certain area of Booth's body as they walked past her. She sighed and wished she were twenty years younger.
Booth entered his superior's office with no small amount of dread. He was sure that there was no good outcome to this one. Bones, he noticed peevishly, was right there beside him acting as if there was not a care in the world. Easy for her to feel that way. Her hard earned position wasn't in jeopardy. No one had thrown her under the bus by pointing out that her friends and co-workers womanhood was in serious jeopardy! Not to mention letting her boss in on the ensuing joy! As these thoughts were going through his mind he took a look at Cullen. The man was sitting behind his desk, not even standing politely. Damn! Sam Cullen was normally very polite, though he could be a real hard ass when he wanted to be.
"Booth, Dr. Brennan," Cullen said after a moment. He hadn't expected Brennan here with Booth, but Booth probably though some backup would save his ass.
"Director," Booth said, really wishing he could be anywhere else right then.
"Director Cullen," Bones said, a tad more formal.
Cullen slid a receipt across his desk towards Booth and Brennan. "That was what my wife handed me yesterday evening," he told them. "That was for one weeks worth of groceries at an organic food store. $800. Do you have any idea how much that will cost me if that is every week of the year?"
Booth tried to open his mouth and say something to defuse the situation, but Bones beat him to the punch. He could only grimace and pray for a miracle.
"Forty-one thousand six hundred dollars," she answered, doing the math in her head.
"Which is four times what I would ordinarily spend on food," Cullen said dryly, with a suffering look at both of them, his droll wit coming to the fore. "Anyone care to explain why my wife decided to shift her spending into overdrive and put my retirement plans into the fire?"
Again, before he had a chance to reply and try and salvage his job, Bones replied before Booth could.
"You can thank Booth for this as he has a real desire to ensure the genital health of his colleagues and friends," Bones told Booth's superior who's eyes widened a bit at that one.
Booth about lost control of his sphincter when he heard that one. "I what?" he exclaimed, trying not to have a heart attack. What did she think he was? Gay? He had no interest in guys dicks at all! Now she was making it seem like he spent his time worrying about his band of Braves Johnsons and their size! That was just plain sick!
"You really should accept your role in this, Booth," Bones told him. "Your inquiry over the weekend showed a very modern and prescient awareness of sexual health and vitality. While surprised, and, quite frankly, astonished, I was sure that you would appreciate my assistance in making sure that the information was properly distributed as I had access to the study that showed that male genital shrinkage was significantly more prevalent in those who pursued a non-organic food regimen."
Booth couldn't believe how Bones had just thrown him under the damn bus! Talk about a horrifying state of affairs! Now he was being made out to be a pervert! He knew his jaw had to be on the floor at that very moment as he tried to figure out how to get out of this nightmare!
"I don't give a damn about anyone's genital health!" he said loudly. "I don't even like thinking about my own!"
"You're too modest, Booth," she replied. "You did ask, did you not, whether it was possible to reverse any shrinkage that occurred?"
"Well, yes," he said sheepishly.
"I think that's enough of the arguing for one discussion," Cullen finally said, tiring of all this bullshit. Now he knew what his wife was trying to do. Yes, he was appreciative, but he'd have rather gone to his grave fully ignorant of any shrinkage that may or may not have occurred. Now that he had a weekly food bill that was not to be believed, and a wife who would not be reasoned with, he was going to have to punish someone for this colossal fuck up. "Dr. Brennan, could you step outside while I have a discussion with our new penile specialist here?"
Bones, for once, knew that a tactical retreat was best. The look of horror on Booth's face was enough to convince her that something was definitely wrong. "Of course," she told him. "I'll be waiting for you outside, Booth."
Booth felt like breaking down and crying. This had turned out horribly, and it was all his fault for insisting on Bones being here to explain herself. Oh, she had alright, but instead of taking responsibility for her disastrous screw up, she'd laid all the blame at his feet! As it was he was about to drop down and beg Cullen for a chance to repair all the damage.
"What'd I say about Squints being out of the lab?" Cullen said when Brennan had left the room.
"Not a good idea," Booth replied, trying to come up with a way to make Bones pay for this bullshit without getting her pissed off. He still wanted to have an outside chance of getting together with her one day, after all.
""And who's responsible when it goes South?"
"Me," Booth almost cried. This was worse than getting caught by Pops as he was having a grand old time with his girlfriend in the back of Pops classic Cadillac when he was a teenager! He never wanted to even see that beast of a vehicle ever again!
"I think my best agent has been turning into a Squint, and forgotten how to be one of the guys," Cullen remarked. "And also has picked up some deviant interests along the way."
"Deviant interests?" Booth let loose with a shout of horror and outrage.
"Worrying about a persons subordinate's dicks is deviant in my book, Booth," Cullen told him.
Booth prayed that his priest never heard about this one. He was damn sure going to make certain that Mitch never finds out about it. He'd be labeled a deviant freak for all eternity! He and Bones were going to have a little chat after this was over with!
Cullen picked up a few papers and made a scene of shuffling through them. "I was going to sign off on ending the therapy sessions with Sweets considering how well you and Dr. Brennan handled this recent case, but I think some more sessions are in order now that we know you've been damaged by working with the Squints," he told his best agent. "Two years of sessions with Sweets one on one, non-negotiable, and one year of sessions of both of you with Sweets."
"What?" Booth screeched. He'd been so close to being done with all that psycho hooey! Now he had two years to plow through?
"You also need some more time getting back to being a real agent, so Carolyn Julian will be moving her office to yours and you can have a desk in the bullpen for a while," Cullen decreed. "You're still an SSA, but I don't want to hear anymore about concern for genital health!"
Booth about swallowed his tongue. His wigwam had bit the dust! His bastion of independence was in flames! And those clear images of dull, rusty pocket knives working over Junior were at the forefront of his mind once more!
"Any questions?" Cullen asked.
"No," Booth said morosely.
"Then get out there and get your manhood back!" Cullen ordered. "And I better not get anymore shocking changes to my food bills! This is bad enough!"
"Yes, Sir," Booth said as he made his way to the door and left.
Cullen looked at the receipt from the night before. He could see his fishing boat and lake cabin plans for retirement going down in flames because of Booth's newfound interest in genital health. DAMN! He knew that letting Squints in the field was a disaster waiting to happen!
A/N: I don't know what possessed me to write this chapter like I did, but for some reason it wrote itself. There is going to be one more chapter, and that one will see Booth well rewarded by Bones for being a good sport about losing his wigwam. LOL. I hope you enjoyed this one, no matter how outlandish it was. Gregg.